Domino Dancing
August 27th, 2006
I don’t dance under any circumstances. It goes along with that whole uncomfortable-in-my-body thing – I am mostly unaware of the space around me, and walk into walls, objects and I’ve stepped on my pets more than I’d like to admit (and the squealing – oh the squealing! – is miserable). Want to make me squirm? Force me to dance in a large group of people, preferably with Gloria Gaynor or ABBA swirling in the background, and I will melt into a puddle of miserable discomfort.
It’s not that I don’t feel the urge to move in time with music: au contraire, for I can rock out and head bob when I’m alone in a moving vehicle like nobody’s business. It’s that I cannot perform these movements in front of another living being, and that definitely includes Sunny. The last time I danced, I had consumed no fewer than 11 shots of tequila and was be-bopping along with my too-short-but-still-hot French Moroccan college boyfriend when I fell back, hit my head on a random barstool and got up and kept right on dancing after he picked me up off the floor. The next day was spent puking, shivering and feeling like I was wearing orthodontic headgear combined with some sort of vise-like grip around my temples. And that was that.
Nothing good comes from dancing. I know there are many who argue with me, but seriously, no. Just no. Yes, it’s awkward for me at parties to simply stand in the corner looking stiff and judgy, and yes, it made for many an uncomfortable evening out with my friends when everyone thought that heading down to Avalon on Lansdowne Street was a good idea (and oh by the way, this is never a good idea, even if you’re Paula Abdul.) And for the record, I’m not happy with this development: like many things, it’s a symptom of my odd shyness that manifests itself in bizarre, specific ways.
Repeat: it’s never a good idea for me to dance. I am even uncomfortable when other people are dancing, unless it’s a part of some sort of performance, and a night out at Wonder Bar doesn’t count. And, like the rock star situation, this is because I imagine that it’s me, and I can hardly contain my terror because they might MAKE ME DANCE, and then I will explode.
There’s a solid chance that this makes me a mirthless, pathetic sack of a human being who is trying to suck the last remaining joy out of humanity, and perhaps that’s a correct assessment. But the world, oh the world! would just be so much more comfortable for me if there was no dancing! I wouldn’t have to see people rock out, their awkward little bodies twisting in the wind like a giant mass of drying towels. Their jaws are always set tight, for they need to concentrate, as dancing is hard. I wouldn’t have to feel bad because other people feel bad that I am not dancing, because really, I am much happier this way. I would rather just stand on the sidelines, bobbing my head like Chris Kattan while sipping on a cocktail, thanks. And it would most definitely mean that I would not have to sit there eating multiple pieces of crappy cake while wedding revelers rock the night away to Mustang Sally.
However, like most things that involve some level of letting go, it is true that I am merely jealous of the dancers: Jealous that they can just let their little bodies go free with the rhythm without worrying about the awkward direction of their hips and flailing arms. I’m jealous that they can just screw their eyes shut and let go and not worry about how ridiculous they look. Because I can’t. Nope. No can do. My flailing arms have taken out entire soup displays at the supermarket just moving them normally – I shudder to think what deliberate arm-flailing would do.
You know that song – that incredibly annoying, twee, and interminably frustrating song – “I Hope You Dance?” Every time I hear it, I sincerely hope Lee Ann Womack falls over and clonks her head hard enough to require stitches while cutting a rug at her next family function. Maybe then she wouldn’t be such a judgmental pain in the ass about those of us who choose to sit it out instead of dance, and intimate that we are all going to burn in the fiery depths of hell because we lack faith and dancing. (I know, I know, I’m doing the same to the dancers. The irony is not lost on me.)
Actually, the main reason I wish they would stop playing that song is so that women with a penchant for acid washed jeans and big hair will stop playing it at their weddings and writing the lyrics all over their websites with giant airbrushed hearts, flowers and kittens, screaming things like, “DADDY! I luv u always and foreva…I HOPE U DANCE. Lotsa LUV AND KISSES – BRANDI.” (The ‘i’ must be dotted with a pink heart.)
Separately, it’s been a painfully uneventful weekend at Chez Jonniker, unless you count a level of work stress eeking from Adam that can be picked on Doppler radar as a giant angry-looking blob. I can FEEL the stress oozing from his pores like a meal of old roasted garlic. I feel just wretched for the guy, but honestly, I’m doing my best to avoid him. Hence, I have been living my life in a strange, yet not unpleasant, vacuum. If there was a single goddamn thing worth photographing or reporting on, believe me, I would. I am as sick of seeing those giant hunks of meat in the corner as you are. And lo, maybe we’ll have a hurricane to talk about! Whoo hoo!
(As if to illustrate his ornery nature, Adam just exploded in a fit of irrational rage because our favorite weatherman is not briefing us on the status of Ernesto: “What the fuck, is he on vacation? Does he not know we need him? THIS IS RIDICULOUS.”)
*Pet Shop Boys.
Entry Filed under: Nuttin'
20 Comments Add your own
1. -R- | August 27th, 2006 at 8:34 pm
The key to having fun while dancing is to realize that you suck at it and to just be as stupid as possible. But I respect your choice to not dance if that is what you choose.
What I dislike is when someone goes to a club with you and your friends but then refuses to dance and just stands off the dance floor by herself, thereby making the rest of you feel bad and unable to enjoy yourselves, so you have to leave, wondering why this girl agreed to come in the first place. Ahem. I hope MC Storm feels better soon.
2. jonniker | August 27th, 2006 at 8:46 pm
R: Trust me, from a non-dancer’s point of view: we aren’t trying to ruin your night or make you feel bad for dancing, and I apologize on behalf of all of us for that annoying girl. It’s that we’re uncomfortable and while we might want to dance the night away, we simply can’t. The answer for me after I figured this out was: do not go on dancing-related outings. Thankfully, I’ve never had friends who were really all that into dancing, so the club problem has come up all of three times in my non-dancing adult life. And there is *always* at least one non-dancer at a wedding for me to hang with while we devour cake.
3. Jen W. | August 27th, 2006 at 11:20 pm
Oh my God, thank you for saying EXACTLY how I feel about dancing. The more people try and make me dance, the more I rebel and throw a fit. How do I deal with it when everyone around me dances? I drink. And drink. And then drink some more. And make fun of everyone in my head. “Heh. assholes dancing. Glad I’m not out there.” At least that’s what I try and tell myself. Thanks God I have a boyfriend who is an even worse and reluctant dancer than I.
4. Tan | August 28th, 2006 at 1:51 am
The last time I danced was at a wedding where I was tipsy enough to agree against the advice of that voice in my head shouting `who ARE you?? we don’t do this remember?’ … and I almost fell over on the slippery polished wooden floor and was saved by my very drunk partner. That is the only time I’ve really danced in front of stacks of people, I am totally on your page. The one thing that made me almost more uncomfortable than dancing is the participating in the `catch the flowers’ at weddings. Or my MIL trying to force me to instigate the dreaded `kiss everyone (including hairy uncles you’ve never met before) goodbye circle) at my own weddding. Sadly, I think it’s the one and only time I’ve ever put my foot down with her and said no outright!
5. Danell | August 28th, 2006 at 4:47 am
Oh, Jen W., ME TOO. In fact, have you ever thrown such a fit and protested so hard that you attracted more attention to yourself than you would have if you had just gone out and made a small attempt to dance amongst your drunken friends?
My friends, unfortunately, feel that dancing is an absolute necessity when going out…which is how I became good friends with Tequila Andlotsofit.
6. Kristin | August 28th, 2006 at 5:14 am
I don’t dance either. Because a very sincere, well meaning girl on the Greek Island of Ios told me that I probably shouldn’t, never, ever again, for the good of the Planet.
I concur, and feel this post on every level.
Devouring cake’s a far better use of time, anyhow
7. Heather B. | August 28th, 2006 at 6:09 am
I f*cking love ABBA. Love ‘em. I dance around to such gems as Super Trouper and Waterloo in my car. Let it be known, that I am a loser.
8. -R- | August 28th, 2006 at 6:58 am
I feel that I should clarify that I was ranting about a specific person who said, “I’d love to go dancing!” And then glared freaking daggers at the rest of us while she stood off the dance floor. If you are not a glaring daggers weirdo, then I have no problem with you not dancing.
9. Gypsy | August 28th, 2006 at 7:06 am
I LOVE to dance. Love it. Am I good at it? No, not really. Not anymore. Limber is not in my world anymore. But I do love it. And I love anything to do with it. I watch So You Think You Can Dance with my eyes alight and my mough agape and just filled with joy. It’s silly, really. But I can’t help it. When I clean I put on ABBA. It’s motivating. And I dance around the kitchen while doing the dishes, singing at the top of my lungs. The dogs dance with me. We are ridiculous, but I don’t care.
In public, though? It takes a little while for me to be comfortable with dancing again. The music has to be really good. When I was younger? No problem. I’d dance anywhere, anytime, with anyone.
10. Jamie | August 28th, 2006 at 7:13 am
The dancing issue is entirely about context. I made a living for a long time by dancing and teaching dance, but that doesn’t mean you’ll see me freestyling on a sidewalk, on the train, or in a bar. Unless, of course, I’ve had more than 3 margaritas. Then, all bets are most definitely off, and others should be advised to avoid any/all flyaway elbows.
11. christine | August 28th, 2006 at 9:00 am
Oh…I’m a dancer. And a bad one at that. But I do not care, for often there are so many drinks involved that not only am I clearly the best dancer EVA, but if you disagree with me I might threaten to beat you up. That is before, I exhibit my unending grace and fall down. I’m good like that.
12. Daily Tragedies | August 28th, 2006 at 12:19 pm
Hmmm. I am a reformed non-dancer, I think. I’m still pretty reserved (unless really, really drunk) and despite being out there dancing and having a good time, a little part of me (the one that says, “don’t look at me! can’t I just go read a book?”) wouldn’t mind standing in the corner for a bit. I will never, ever be the free-flowing, not-a-care-in-the-world, jammin’-to-my-own-groove dancer that I am always jealous of. Alas.
Also? Does anyone know the appropriate dance moves for You Shook Me All Night Long? Because it seems to be a wedding reception staple and I know all the words, but for the life of me have no idea what to do with my BODY for the duration of the song. Thanks much!
13. Claire | August 28th, 2006 at 12:31 pm
Oh, Jonniker. I am much in the same boat.
As a non-dancer, i can never understand how, HOW, WHY people insist on getting up and flailing around. I just can’t grasp it. Especially at my company’s christmas parties – it just seems like the most inappropriate and totally embarrassing thing, like Ever. I couldn’t imagine getting up and dancing in front of my co-workers. People i see everyday. ugh. So weird.
Dancing at concerts is different, though, and the only exception to the No-Dance Rule. You just kind of sway or bop to the band and absolutely no one is looking at you. Even if they’re standing directly behind you, they’re usually just watching the band. That’s the key. No one can see me dance. It’s too embarrassing.
14. Beth | August 28th, 2006 at 12:32 pm
I’m most comfortable dancing if I know specific steps. When it comes to free-form dancing at clubs — forget it. Hate that. I’d much rather dance ballroom or folk or disco. (Yes, disco.) Anything that has specific steps and doesn’t require 100% creativity. But I respect your right not to dance, and I would probably rather sit with you at the bar than dance to a DJ anyway. ;^)
15. Stinkypaw | August 28th, 2006 at 1:30 pm
I like to dance, but I’m not confortable with the “new” dances (hip hop, etc), but when the music is good, I have this urge and I follow!
I respect your wish not to dance, and there’s nothing worst then when you don’t feel like dancing and a “friend” keeps on coaxing you to go dance – hate that!
I would probably never dance at a concert or in between tables (at a restaurant), that I just feel too out of place and I think I’d be embarassed…
16. Suebob | August 28th, 2006 at 2:14 pm
You should have been at church with me yesterday. They sang “I hope you dance.” And they sang it BAD. It was just terrifying.
17. Yez | August 28th, 2006 at 3:26 pm
“You know that song – that incredibly annoying, twee, and interminably frustrating song – ‘I Hope You Dance?’”
Thankfully, no. But if it’s Lee Ann Womack, it’s Country, so of course I don’t know it :>
I’m wigging out that you chose this topic because last night I came ->
18. Yez | August 28th, 2006 at 3:27 pm
Damn this WP editor! To continue: last night I came THIS CLOSE to sending you an mpeg of TBX and me rocking out in the living room to a moldy oldie =8-O
19. jonniker | August 28th, 2006 at 8:20 pm
Jen: Adam is a non-dancer too. Thank the lord, eh?
Tan: NO KISSING! But, um, I hugged everyone at my wedding, even people’s random dates who I hardly knew. I cringe when I look at the photos and think, “I totally hugged her. Oh crap.”
Danell: I’ve done that. Totally done that.
Kristin: Amen to cake.
Heather B: Not a loser! cooler! Cooler than me!
Gypsy: I never even had the younger freedom. Sigh.
Jamie: THANK YOU. A dancer, yet a non-dancer who gets it. Thank you.
Christine: I don’t doubt that after drinking, that you are the best dancer evah.
DT: “Look at me! Go read a book!” made me laugh out loud.
Claire: They hate us. I think that’s it.
Beth: Specific steps? Like line dancing?
SP: Oddly, I can do concerts. It’s to keep me away from the distraction of the live singing.
SB: I would HAVE DIED.
Yez: Yabbut, you’re different. I’d have been amused!
20. Flower Guide Online&hellip | October 1st, 2007 at 1:41 pm
Flower Guide Online
I couldn’t understand some parts of this article, but it sounds interesting
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