Changeless

I’m always afraid life is going to leave me behind. The first time I can remember this feeling so distinctly was when A. and I first planned our trip to the Carribbean. I’d certainly traveled plenty before that, and though I’d been to Europe and all sorts of other, less pedestrian places, I’d never been anywhere where the water was that clear bright blue, and I was ridiculously excited to swim in it.

I couldn’t picture it – I couldn’t imagine what it would be like to swim in water so clear that you could see your feet, even as it swirled around your neck. I had no idea what our vacation would be – how we would relax, what we would do – and because of this, I became convinced that it would never happen. I was sure we’d never get there – that a car accident would befall us, or some sort of family emergency would prevent our arrival, and we’d never know what it was like to trail our little toes in white sand together. As our plane dipped down to land at the airport, I clutched the armrests even more tightly than usual – I’d never imagined we’d get this close, this fast, and I was sure the end was near, if only for me. I didn’t think it would actually happen.

Later on, I was convinced I was never getting married. I was sure that one of us would back out or that I would die, that A. would die, that a tsunami would sweep us away in a big blue wave. I was positive that we’d never get there, never get it over with, never get on with our lives. I was sure that my life would end in this strange engagement purgatory, unfulfilled and alone, because I just couldn’t see it any other way. I couldn’t move on.

When we moved here, I was so focused on what I was leaving behind – of the life I was giving up – that I never considered that I’d be an active participant in a new life. I became convinced that my new world would ride around me in giant circles behind thick glass while the sounds of my past were piped in through an invisible sound system. I could see things – see what I might be missing, what I might want to do – but I’d be stranded alone in a strange island pining for a life I could only hear about, but never touch. I would be left alone, unchanged, stranded in a changed world.

I’m starting to get over it. I’m starting to understand that when things happen – some good, some bad – we get to go along for the ride, and it’s just part of what we signed up for. I’m starting to realize that when things happen to me, I am not helpless. I can choose how to handle things, how to behave, how to adjust my life. I’m starting to let go a little, and enjoy the ride. I’m realizing that when change happens, I will not be left behind. I am starting to understand that just because things change, it does not mean that I will remain unchanged and completely lost. I will not be left pining for what might have been, or what was and is now gone.

I get to change, too. I get to go on the journey and see what happens.

*Carbon Leaf.

8 comments September 4th, 2006