Judas
September 5th, 2006
I am afraid of people from the Midwest. Terrified! The perpetual niceness! The pleasing accent! The penchant for bringing mysterious things called “bars” to covered dish picnics!***
Until now (my area is rife with Midwesterners to the point where I wonder if the region is completely devoid of all residents in peak season), I’ve lived almost my entire life surrounded by east coasters. I grew up next to New Jersey. I went to school in New York. I settled in Massachusetts, home to the meanest, most unpredictable drivers in the universe. Midwesterners were a rarity, and the few I encountered had already been completely ruined by our dead-to-me culture that is the east coast. We are not a polite bunch, we east coasters, and we are relatively unapologetic about it. It’s terrible, but I am somewhat comfortable with it – it’s familiar.
I grew up not far from a city that beats the pants off of all of the other rude cities -yes, even New York. Philadelphia: the city of brotherly hatred. People in Philly don’t even bother to say hello to you unless they are forced to at some sort of gunpoint, and the accent makes every interaction about a frillion times worse. The dirtyfishydish Delaware/Lehigh Valley inflection is the foulest, trashiest of accents – we say things like “FOWWWWN” instead of “phone” and “wooter” instead of “water” and please, let’s not forget “crick.” And oh by the way, forget eye contact. If eye contact is made, it is more likely that you have something on your face that they can’t look away from – a large zit, perhaps. Or maybe they’re angry and are trying to will your head to explode with their heavy mind vibes.
And while it sucks, it’s what I’m used to: familiarity breeds contentment, no matter how dysfunctional. But the lack of pleasantries rarely belies the human within: it’s simply a cultural difference in how we greet people, I suppose.
I know it’s not right to feel this way. I’m learning after living down here, where almost everyone is from the Midwest. Everyone is so nice! NICE! Every time I meet someone from the Midwest, goddammit, they are so NICE! The neverending niceness that terrifies me to my very dark soul! “Hi!” they holler in a happy accent, waving brightly to make sure I see them. “So nice to meet you! How ARE you?” They genuinely want to know, and it confounds me. And the answer is: Not good. Not good at all. You’re scaring me with the niceness. People in the Northeast aren’t like this! You’re too nice! Do you WANT something? I am suspicious for a moment.
There is great irony in this: I am actually very nice and exceedingly polite when I meet people. I am nice to everyone I meet, in a Midwestern sort of way. I genuinely like most people I meet, or at least I try very hard to make an informed decision before I launch off and call them a sycophantic douchebag. I embody the very problem I am bitching about! I AM THE SYSTEM I AM AFRAID TO FACE.
We would be much better as a society if we put more of an emphasis on how we treat one another, but because of where I grew up – and the inherent rudeness within – I am always suspicious of inherent cultural kindness, if that makes sense. It’s wrong! So wrong! of us to be so rude here, and yet: it feels comfortable, so we go with it. How sad. And I know that 99% of Midwesterners ARE genuine, (hello, Carol!) and I have a cold, cold suspicious heart.
The sad truth is that I am more comfortable with rudeness. I’m sure it reveals some sort of deep-seated** problem, likely that I wasn’t held enough as an infant or that my parents are cold-hearted snakes (they’re not), but I always rationalize it like this: if someone is rude, at least I know where they stand. When things are hidden under a veneer of too-polite comfort, I am caught off guard, completely lost. I ramble, unsure of what they really think, and I find myself swinging the pendulum back and forth unpredicably, from X-Treme People Pleasing Mode 2000 to I Am Afraid You’re Being Nice to Me Because You Want Something and with no good reason other than I am unnerved by the niceness. Because, again, if you missed it the first time: dysfunctional, suspicious soul right here who is unaccustomed to nice people.
I am aware this is my problem and I mean no ill will towards my Midwestern friends, of which they are now a legion. Forgive me. I have a very good friend from Michigan (who I will be seeing this weekend at the wedding and OH MY GOD, I can’t wait to see her!), and I’ve always considered that while she’s Midwestern, she has an edge. Sort of. A blunt, soft edge, I guess. A light and fluffy edge? A clay edge? Oh, sod it, there is no edge at all.
And then there are my friends from Wisconsin, who are darling and also a little edgy. And Ohio! I have friends from Ohio! MINNESOTA. ILLINOIS. Dear God, they’re all going to hate me for this, but it’s *my* problem! MINE! The Northeast breeds sad, rude people!
One last Rockstar note (yes! I’m still talking about it!): Dilana’s songwriting tonight, dear sweet Jesus oh my God. During a painful reality recap!, Gilby Clarke voice overs that he’s unsure of her lyric-writing abilities, noting: “She’s too…literal, I guess.” He grasps at straws, trying to figure out how to politely say to the universe that she is very, very stupid. We are treated to a display of this unimaginable ineptitude as she explains how her original song is all about “her fans on the Internet” and then sings in a happy singsong little voice to Gilby: “Ooh ooh – what about this: (singsong voice): ‘CON-TROL ALT DELETE?’” Gilby sits there, unmoved, in stony stunned silence. As did I, folks. As did I.
Because nothing says “rock song” like the lyrics “control alt delete.” She might as well go on and sing, “JAVA! JAVA APPLETS! I LOVE U! JAVA! PHP! BLAWWWWGS! ”
Control Alt Delete, man.
*Depeche Mode
** I feel oddly compelled to explain that this is the correct spelling of this term. I’ve seen it used incorrectly so many times in the last week, I’ve wanted to scream: It is not deep-seeded, deep-ceded or even deep-ceeded. So help me. Deep-seated: as in, deeply seated in the area of one’s breast, I think is the etymology. No, no I do not know why, that’s just the way it is.
***Because many people have asked, Carol explains bars below: they are DELICIOUS, and I’ve eaten them at pot luck dinners down here. My friend from Wisconsin always says, “I’m bringing bars!” and for the first five times, I just stared at her blankly: bars? But damn, they are good.
Entry Filed under: Nuttin'
21 Comments Add your own
1. Sarcomical | September 5th, 2006 at 8:03 pm
hello, i am from the midwest and i must say, what the hell are these “bars” that you speak of?
2. carol | September 5th, 2006 at 8:52 pm
“bars” – delicious squares usually filled with chocolate chips and covered in caramel drizzle.
Midwestern and damn proud.
3. Woman | September 5th, 2006 at 9:48 pm
Are you really just Rush Limbaugh in a bad wig ????? That’s the image I get from your writing style.
Oh and by the way, these bars you mention are not indigenous to the midwest. Do a little research, toots.
4. -R- | September 5th, 2006 at 9:57 pm
They don’t have “bars” in other places? WHAT DO YOU PEOPLE EAT?
Ok, I’m calm now. I have to admit that I feel like most Southern people are being fake – scarily fake – when they are freakishly (scarily) nice to everyone, so I know where you are coming from with your random geographical prejudice. Are Floridians not nice? Oh wait, everyone in Florida is originally from the Northeast.
5. jonniker | September 6th, 2006 at 5:49 am
Sarcomical: Cookie bars!
Carol: I love your accent. I find it so soothing.
R: Oddly, I became comfortable with the south, after living in South Carolina several years ago. I figured out what the verbal and non-verbal cues were when they were angry, despite the pleasantries and sweet accent. I just have to learn the same for the Midwest. And to answer your question: the vast majority of people in my area are Midwestern, not Northeastern. The northeasterners mostly settled on the east coast – think Miami and Boca.
6. christine | September 6th, 2006 at 6:17 am
Who is this “woman” #3? And why does she call you “toots”?
May I also call you “Toots”?
I’m from the home of rude, Jersey, and I have to say I always try to be exceedingly polite.
And also? Bars sound delicious. And, how else would you spell deep-seated?
7. Claire | September 6th, 2006 at 6:58 am
i’m sorry, i almost just choked on my pumpkin bread when i got up to the java java applets song. Too funny. (and how awfully true. i’m SO off the Dilana wagon and actually saw the show in real-time last night).
oh, and fyi. i have a wonderful bar recipe that not only has chocolate chips, but also coconut and walnuts. called: Magic Cookies. and yes, they are.
The boyfriend has always thought that people from Minnesota are nice like their Canadian neighbors, only with a psycho-killer edge. I don’t think i’ve ever met anyone from Minn. so i have nothing to judge by.
8. Gypsy | September 6th, 2006 at 7:08 am
When we moved from our nation’s capital back to our small, north Florida hometown we had culture shock. People… smiled! And waved! And made chit chat in the check out aisle. And said please and thank you and ma’am. And, most startling of all, they let us cut in traffic. With a friendly wave!!
This is what we had grown up with, but after being gone so long we were sneering, aloof, no-eye-contact people. It was an adjustment to get back to the niceness.
As to the populace of Florida, in my area they are mostly native Floridians. North of about Orlando you don’t get as many bluehairs.
9. jonniker | September 6th, 2006 at 7:16 am
Christine: You may call me whatever you like, toots. Jersey! I love New Jersey. People make fun of it, as they only envision Newark, but it’s gorgeous in so many places! The farms! The greenery! And um, the industrial parks, but that’s for another day!
Bars *are* delicious! And deep-seeded/ceded seems to be most popular.
Claire: Dilana was an honest to goodness train wreck. And Carol and R are Minnesotans! I love Minnesota, actually. Minneapolis/St. Paul are so pretty and my kind of city (urban, yet suburban). But cold! oh, so cold!
10. GG | September 6th, 2006 at 7:28 am
Okay, I don’t know who this ‘Woman’ is, but I’m going to kick her ASS. See? Even though I am semi-southern, I am not always scarily/freakishly nice. Perhaps that happens after a year in Philadelphia?
11. Jamie | September 6th, 2006 at 7:38 am
I have always had issues with traveling in/around the east coast for this very same reason. I can’t help it – I take it personally when I’m on the receiving end of a curt comment from a New Yorker, or a rude glare from someone in New Jersey. I always wonder, “Am I walking too slowly, do I look like a tourist? Can they tell I’m from Illinois? How hard would it have been for them to just be polite?! ” Being nice is not just how I was raised, but to your point, much a factor of WHERE I was raised. My grandmother insists it’s the influence of the scandinavian populations here, but I think it’s just common decency.
12. TwoBusy | September 6th, 2006 at 8:51 am
So… in other words, as people from the Midwest are polite because of the influence of their Scandinavian heritage, people from the northeast are unfriendly because we were presumably descended from rats and cannibals? I’m not arguing — I just want to make sure I have my facts straight.
Btw: Woman #3? That’s not a bad wig. That’s a hard-earned penis haircut, and you’d do well to show it some respect.
13. Lawyerish | September 6th, 2006 at 8:59 am
God, I love the Midwest. It’s so true that Midwesterners are genuinely nice, whereas down South there is more of a veneer of fake-nice. I feel most comfortable in Chicago (which begs the question of why the hell I live in New York, which is decidedly Not Nice); people there walk in straight lines and say “excuse me” and look each other in the eye.
I guess I could see how it would be disarming to someone from this area, where everyone has that protective shell around them, and it’s every person for herself.
Although it’s funny, you do have a Midwesternishness about you, which I can only attribute to your having grown up in a rural, small town. So you fit in with all the nice. And that’s why we love you.
(P.S. I love the fluffy edge. I have ZERO edge whatsoever. Next to me, the Pope has an edge.)
14. jes | September 6th, 2006 at 9:01 am
I have never even heard of bars. I am feeling a bit left out, what with my lack of familiarity with anything midwestern. Damn it.
15. jonniker | September 6th, 2006 at 11:13 am
GG: Southern! The Southern people I know can dish it out like nobody’s business, and in the most amusing way! I love it!
Jamie: Totally geographical. If you lived out east, you’d be terrified of nice people, as they are usually homeless and/or tourists who want help with something. The natives soldier on angrily.
TB: Thanks for the penis haircut shout out. And welcome to my troll.
Ish: No edge! I love it. I have an edge, but it is a fake edge. An edge that exists only when threatened, but if I’m ever in a real confrontation? The edge becomes a wave of pink cotton candy.
Jes: I shall make you bars for next BlogHer.
K: Midwest! Ah, Detroit. I’ve never been.
16. winterwheat | September 6th, 2006 at 11:14 am
You should spend some time in Detroit, my hometown. It’s not *quite* the same as the rest of the Midwest. A little more of what you’re used to, a little more, shall we say, Mideast??
I’ve done extended time in Michigan, Wisconsin, and Illinois, and my feeling is that the only real reason to stay in the Midwest is to live in the midst of Midwest Nice. People really ARE nice here, and genuine, and welcoming. Since the view isn’t the best, especially if you don’t live on one of the Great Lakes, it kind of HAS to be about the people, doesn’t it? That, and the fact that the City of Big Shoulders is pretty damn awe-inspiring, especially at night, driving along Lake Shore Drive. Also, Milwaukee is way more beautiful than Laverne & Shirley reruns would have you believe.
My parents are both New Yorkers who relocated to Detroit for my dad’s auto-industry job. They still subscribe to the belief that ignoring people is more polite than speaking to them, which makes sense if you live in a city that’s so crowded that NOT making eye contact seems most courteous, because it gives people a smidgen of privacy.
I’ve never seen anything but “deep-seated.” Deep-ceded? Deep-seeded? WTF?? That’s almost as bad as the student papers I’d get in the early ’90s that referred to someone named “Net and Yahoo.”
17. Jen W. | September 6th, 2006 at 1:13 pm
Having grown up in Chicagoland, gone to school in South Carolina, and lived in NJ and Florida, I have to say I agree with you on a general level. Unfortunately and fortunately, there are always exceptions to the rule. I know some real assholes from Chicago, and I met incredibly nice people in NJ. Who knew? And SC? There certainly is that fake niceness there. I couldn’t STAND it, but I was lucky to find some people that would tell it like it is to your face and still be your friend.
18. Woman | September 6th, 2006 at 8:13 pm
Darn, nothing new for today? Just when I was revisting your blog to get another dose of banal writing *sigh*. Your little fan club delighted me enough with their humdrum humourless comments. I visit your blog when insomnia kicks in and I need a foolproof way to catch some zzzzzzzzs. Your writing succeeds where Ambien and other sleep-inducing agents fail. Nighty, night!
Woman
19. JayAre | September 6th, 2006 at 9:08 pm
When I first moved to Texas from L.A., it completely freaked me out when people would open the door for me. Not even just open it, but stand there waiting for me if I was anywhere nearby. I always expected them to ask me for money. Now, 10 years later, I totally expect it. LOL Watch out if you don’t open the door for me, I’m dead sure gonna make faces behind your back.
And I LOVE southern women, when they talk bad and gossip about someone… They always end it with “bless her/his heart…” Like that makes it all okay. Cracks me up everytime.
Also, dude, this Woman person really need to get a life.
20. amyjami | September 7th, 2006 at 12:29 pm
iowa. that’s about as midwest as you can get. i live in the middle of a cornfield for crissakes and we have bars and casseroles and other such midwestern “treats” continuously.
we’re nice. well, most of my fellow townspeople are much nicer than i. i went away from the field for awhile and lived elsewhere so when i came back, i realized just how scary some of these people are with their niceness.
i confess……….sometimes, i hate my neighbors because they’re too nice ALL the time.
21. BETSYPorter26 | July 1st, 2010 at 6:01 am
Make your life time easier take the business loans and all you need.
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