Fools Like Me
September 7th, 2006
I got my haircut last night, hence no entry, not to mention two work projects that kept me writing until 1 a.m. I get my hair cut quite a bit – with short hair, you can pretty much go three weeks comfortably, four weeks if you’re really pushing it, especially if you have a low hairline in the back, as I am blessed with. This hairline issue basically means that if I go a day over 3.5 weeks, I suddenly find myself with Neanderthal Neck, and I start to consider turtlenecks as a viable option even in pudding-hot humidity.
My hairdresser did not disappoint in the drama department. As some of you may recall, he has a tendency to make every appointment as miserable as possible with Camille-worthy dramatic performances. Prior instances include abandoning me mid-foil to go curl into the fetal position behind a stack of hair product, crying and falling to one knee telling me he loved me, torturing me with nonstop talk of veiny penises (penii?) and threatening me with clairvoyant visions of his clients’ impending doom. These incidents are exacerbated and enabled by the fact that he runs his own salon and I often go after hours when we are alone. He is free to be, um, himself, I guess.
Last night’s incident really didn’t have anything to do with me specifically, per se, fortunately or unfortunately. Squiggy’s friend Tiggger was visiting when I got there. Squiggy (who is a tall skinny Jewish man in his mid-50s with a white pompadour and a penchant for low-cut polyester) introduced Tigger (who was a tall, attractive African American) as a “totally straight, and isn’t he SO HOT?” [actually yes, yes he was] former coworker and then promptly announced, after calling him a horrendous racial slur, that he would like to shove [Tigger's] penis up his “chocolate wizzwang.”
There were accompanying pelvic thrusts in Tigger’s general direction. Like, um, strippers do, if you get what I’m saying, and sweet lord, I hope you do, because I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE TO EXPLAIN THIS. But, um, there was visible swinging near my shoulder, and there may have been a bump that I would like to forget. Get it? IS IT CLEAR ENOUGH FOR YOU PLEASE SAY YES.
I died. The end.
Except, no! It went on! Tigger proceeded to come back at Squiggy with a retort of his own, YES!
I originally had a quote here, but I can’t! I CANNOT! It was too horrible, but please, let us suffice that there was more talk of chocolate wizzwangs, Tigger called Squiggy a horrible Jewish slur, along with a really upsetting word for a gay man, and then he told us that he could “break Squiggy in half” with his “Ron Jeremy unit” and then there was talk of a chocolate milkshake and I died again. Then, as if it couldn’t get worse, there was crotch grabbing of the Ron Jeremy unit. There were jerking motions that were, for me, a bit to, uh, realistic for your average Wednesday night. While the RJ stroking was going on, he was describing the girl he was going out with later in a little too much detail and good God, there was eye-closing and then – THEN – I actually died. For real. For the third time.
They laughed and laughed. It went on for at least an hour, the two of them hurling extraordinarily terrifying ethnic and derogatory insults at each other(at one point Squiggy took it to the lowest of lows with the ethnic slurs, and I was thisclose to running screaming from the building, honestly, because I was so miserable and uncomfortable with those things being said seriously, please dear God it was awful) and more penis grabbing and thwapping (against my ear at one point, folks, AGAINST MY EAR), and I have never been so miserable in my entire, entire life.
At the end, I just lost it, and I actually started weeping in the chair silently. No one noticed. Oh! And please: let’s not forget that because Squiggy was so busy thinking up snappy and racially-offensive retorts, I was stranded with a man brandishing scissors who was less than focused on my hair. Consequently I paid an embarrassing sum for a neck shave and repeated racial slurs, insults and a penis smacking repeatedly against my ear. Awesome.
By now, I imagine many of you are wondering why I continue to subject myself to this torture, yes? I would be if it wasn’t me, and to help answer that question, I am going to provide some photographic evidence from seasons past. More than a year ago, I wrote an early blog post about the worst haircut I ever had. And lo, it was bad, and before now, I’ve never posted photos. It was the last time I changed hairdressers, so you can see why I’m concerned. And so, that fateful day ages and ages ago, within an hour, one bad hairdresser took me from this:
I was experimenting with a Very Dark Moody color then, which was not only awful, but not the hairdresser’s fault. I have no one to blame for the Morticia look than myself.
To this:
Please note this photo was taken mere moments after I stopped crying and finally began to see the humor in it. I am miserable. I am fat. I am multi-chinned. I am wishing I could stop crying from the horror of it all, and when I do? I can’t stop laughing, because what the hell else do you do when this is what you look like? I also feel compelled to point out that what you cannot see is the long, desperate mullet in the back. Yep, there is a partay going on back there, much to my chagrin.
So you can see why I am reluctant to switch it up and give up a quasi-normal head of hair.
I’ve got my appointments booked through next June. Yes. Yes, I do.
*Lisa Loeb
**Also, I would like to remind everyone of Suebob‘s post. Please, I beg of you, heed her advice.
Entry Filed under: Nuttin'
25 Comments Add your own
1. Stinkypaw | September 7th, 2006 at 8:10 pm
You look really good on the last picture – keep those appointments!
Too bad you gor embarassed and died in there, you could have had a blast with those two… I think I would have been embrassed and yet I wonder…
You might just have to “resusitate” and keep on seeing Lenny, if you want to keep your good looks!
2. Vaguely Urban | September 7th, 2006 at 8:39 pm
Holeeee makeover story! You’re just gonna have to put up with the cock talk to maintain access to the cuteness that is that haircut!
3. -R- | September 7th, 2006 at 8:44 pm
Are you sure you aren’t wearing a wig in that second picture?
4. jonniker | September 7th, 2006 at 8:48 pm
SP: Thanks! Mercifully it’s not just the hair – I was miserable then, fat and unhappy and depressed and overworked and just…sweet man alive, it wasn’t a great time. The hair just adds to the misreeeee.
VU: HA! Thanks. Yes, cock talk is in my future. I can handle the cock. It’s the racial slurs! Derogatory comments! Dear God!
R: OH MY GOD. When I got home from that haircut? That’s exactly what my hubs said, “honey – take off the wig. It’s terrible!” THAT IS MY HAIR.
5. Marmite Breath (Nat) | September 7th, 2006 at 9:00 pm
Oh my GOD! I just about peed my pants looking at that second picture (sorry). It was so funny!
But the last picture is redemption, indeed. You are lovely. I love your hair colour now–very flattering.
Your story reminded me of the time that I saw a hairdresser who was a friend of a friend. I went to his salon (after hours, why, dear Lord, why?) and after he had done a piss-poor job on my hair, he turned to me and said, “You know, you really do have the most fantastic breasts.”
And then, I mumbled “thanks” and got the hell out of there. Of course, I should have retorted with something witty, but I was in shock.
So, I feel your pain.
And now, I’m jealous of your hair colour. Does Lenny want to travel to the midwest and do my hair?
6. carol | September 8th, 2006 at 4:10 am
I am super close to cutting ALL of my hair off (it’s down to almost the middle of my back now), but this post has SCARED me….every three to four weeks???? Can I afford that ? I suppose I could skip the counselor and get a Lenny for double duty!
7. Lawyerish | September 8th, 2006 at 6:39 am
OhmyGodohmyGodohmyGod. The hilarity. Of the shaggy haircut. COME ON. I made myself wait for a second before scrolling down, just to prepare properly, but nothing — nothing — could have readied me for that photo. And I am SO SORRY that happened to you.
There should be a cause of action for bad haircuts. I mean, REALLY.
And to make up for laughing near your haircut, I have to agree with the world that you look absolutely darling now. Stay with Lenny, humping and all.
8. Claire | September 8th, 2006 at 6:56 am
you know… i always want to go into the salon and say “make me pretty. do what you want” but seeing what could happen if they have no F-ING IDEA what they’re doing, i think i’ll stick to my “just a trim” because that’s terrible.
That second picture doesn’t even look like the same person! You poor thing. It really does seem like you have to get used to the Inappropriate Hairstylist for, like, the rest of your life. Because, god, look what could happen.
(Reminds me that i should probably call John-Paul, my wildly gay, blue-eyeliner-wearing, Fabulous hairstylist. Short hair is a pain.)
9. Heather B. | September 8th, 2006 at 7:40 am
OMG!!! I loooove your hair. And thankfully that second one is only around in picture form, you can erase if necessary. But wow, you have great hair. Totally worthy of the occasional penis dangerously close to your ear.
10. Jen | September 8th, 2006 at 7:59 am
Wow! Short hair really suits you! You look great. I suspect that since I’ve recently cut several inches off my hair, I will continue to go shorter and shorter. Such is the cycle of my hair. Not content with it just sitting on my shoulders. It must be above my ears, or nearing my ass. It must be a Libra thing.
11. Beth | September 8th, 2006 at 8:32 am
It SO looks like a wig, the shag haircut. Did people think you were faking?
Would Lenny believe you if you told him you were suffering from some sort of disorder that requires complete silence?
12. Woman | September 8th, 2006 at 9:37 am
Good gaaaaaaawsh! Your photos match your writing. Train wreck city.
I remain,
Woman
13. Erica | September 8th, 2006 at 9:38 am
THANK YOU for bringing that picture back into circulation. Good lord, I felt so bad for you that day. This was mingled with the furious hatred I felt towards that salon for leaving you in such a state.
Your hair does look great now so I agree that it’s certainly worth listening to cock and ball stories and even getting a penis slap near your ear every once in a while. There aren’t that many good hairdressers out there!
Maybe next time you can start talking about vaginas or something and see where the conversation goes.
14. whoorl | September 8th, 2006 at 10:53 am
You are seriously my favorite. My laughter just woke up Whoorlito. DAMN IT JEBUS.
But it was worth it.
15. Jamie | September 8th, 2006 at 11:38 am
Somebody needs to ban the IP address of “woman.”
And by “somebody,” I mean Jonna.
16. TwoBusy | September 8th, 2006 at 1:47 pm
When I scrolled down to picture ‘B,” I found myself unable to keep from crying out “GAAAAAH!” People in my office actually stopped what they were doing to make sure I was okay.
I hope you find that comforting.
17. Leah | September 8th, 2006 at 2:00 pm
Schadenfreude. I laughed so hard I died.
18. Christine | September 8th, 2006 at 3:34 pm
God bless you for having the balls to post a picture that I might have burned. OHMYGOD the shaggy hair. I remember reading that post ages ago, and your words did not do the haircut justice.
I’m so sorry that this means you will be dealing with Lenny and the possibility of inappropriate penis thrusting at face level until you move out of Florida.
19. lightspeed | September 8th, 2006 at 8:18 pm
Ok, when you first got the “shag” cut, I remember making comments to the effect thats it wasn”t really all that bad. At the time I believed that.
I was oh so horribly wrong. It really was awful. It was out and out sin.
Your current photo looks so, so amazing. Next time, bring Valium.
20. Catherine | September 9th, 2006 at 2:25 pm
Short hair is indeed a pain to maintain, and expensive too. I have a haircut appt tomorrow and with tip it’ll be a fast fifty bucks. I’m thinking of growing mine out a tad for that reason, to cut down on the monthly expense. That is a very cute cut and great color! I guess I could tolerate the gross conversation for a great haircut, but now I am very grateful for my hairstylist, who is also middle-aged and gay but very Southern Gentleman.
21. bethany | September 9th, 2006 at 5:29 pm
WOW! That first picture dosen’t even look like you! Seriously I was all “well that’s not her” Whos that? What a transformation. I don’t dislike the first two but the light color looks so much shinier and smoother. It really brightens your face up! The cuts all looked good though!
22. Jen W. | September 10th, 2006 at 7:37 am
Just looking at the last photo makes me want to chop my hair off again!! So sorry you had to suffer through the embarrassment to keep the good hair.
23. Sundry | September 11th, 2006 at 1:58 pm
Oh my god, hilarious! I love that last photo, and can you come to my house and make my eyebrows look like yours? Thanks.
24. World's History at Cultur&hellip | August 6th, 2007 at 9:13 am
World’s History at Culture Club
I couldn’t understand some parts of this article, but it sounds interesting
25. JamesHaynes29 | May 27th, 2010 at 3:50 pm
Buildings are expensive and not every person is able to buy it. However, home loans was invented to aid people in such situations.
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