Can’t Keep it In
September 12th, 2006
I never liked Dick Van Dyke. I watched the show on Nick at Nite, surely, but my affection was always reserved for Laura Petrie. And I firmly believe that his campy presence ruined the Golden Girls, and for that, I’ve hated him forever, and would you ever put him
with Bea Arthur? Of course not.
It’s no surprise, then, that when he told me via Johnson and Johnson, I think, that I should never stick anything smaller than my elbow in my ear, that I ignored him. Because, duh, everyone knows that elbows can’t reach ears, and I don’t care if that was your point. I had an intensely itchy ear last night, and because I was alone, I rooted around with a Q-tip in there, and I think I jammed a ball of wax the size of my coffee table even deeper in there. I’m blaming Dick. Has anyone ever had their ears candled, other than Sarah Silverman?
I’m talking about earwax because I’m having trouble talking about what happened today, as I am still thoroughly traumatized. SunnyDog exacted the most divine revenge for the Poop Incident today, and I can’t get over it, and I don’t know anyone who could, frankly. Since I’ve had her, I’ve had to remove an alarming number of toxic, foul and completely bizarre items from the clenches of her sweet little lips. Some of the more offensive items include cigarette butts with greasy pink lipstick lining the filter, discarded pre-chewed gum of all kinds, rotting fast food, various and sundry dead insect and animal carcasses, and of course, the toad of death.
But this. Oh God, dude, I can’t even say it. Deep breaths now.
I pulled a used condom from Sunny’s lips today. A recently used condom. With splooge.
Are you dead yet? Because I’m writing this from beyond the grave.
I brought her to work today, and when I took her for a walk in the back parking lot, she picked it up, and I had acted quickly before I even knew what it was until (OH MY GOD) it emptied on my hand. Repeat, it EMPTIED ON MY HAND. She picked it up from the bottom, and someone else’s STUFF spilled on my fingers all slippery and freaky-like, and it was the worst thing that I’ve ever handled ever and I’m not sure I can go on. And oh, of course, even after the spillage, the condom was STILL IN HER MOUTH, so I had to fish around in there and pluck the rest of the condom along with, I hasten to add – because I cannot sit with this knowledge by myself – A STRANGER’S SEMEN ONCE AGAIN.
It wasn’t an old condom. It wasn’t even dirty. It was RECENTLY USED BY SOMEONE IN OUR BACK PARKING LOT PLEASE SAVE ME NOW.
Please help me.
In other, brighter news, my crush on Ryan Star is back on, baby. Yes, yes, he may move about like a four-year old on a precariously placed ladder, and is kind of an asshole and FINE, whatever, but dude, that song. The permanent five o’clock shadow. The hair. Hell, even the eyeliner.
Anything to get me to stop thinking about the splooge. Anything.
*Cat Stevens
Entry Filed under: Nuttin'
40 Comments Add your own
1. Yez | September 12th, 2006 at 7:59 pm
I yam dyin’ ovah heah! Irrepressible hiccups, LMAO. Fine job on the title X-D
2. Heather B. | September 12th, 2006 at 8:01 pm
I’m dead.
It was nice knowing you. Thank you for killing me. I still think you have great hair though. Goodbye.
3. Jen | September 12th, 2006 at 8:11 pm
I often catch my dog in the act of eating out the crotch of my dirty underwear.
I win.
And I’ve done ear candling. Before I did a little internet research and realized it’s all a HOAX. As the candle burns down, so does the wax on the inside of the tube, giving one the impression that brownish-yellow ear wax has been sucked up into the tube. Not so. All a hoax. Gah. I wish I had pictures of me laying on my couch with a smoking tube sticking out of my ear. Yeah. And I chose the lavander-scented candle.
4. jonniker | September 12th, 2006 at 8:14 pm
Yez: God, it was awful. Just awful.
Heather: I’m so sorry.
Jen: GAH! That’s happened to me TOOOOOO. And once I found three pairs of dirty underwear in the cat’s litter box without explanation.
5. Nat | September 12th, 2006 at 8:22 pm
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!
My children have to get up for school tomorrow and my loud squealing and chortling (no, I probably didn’t actually chortle, but I needed a better word for a dorky laugh. Perhaps a guffaw?) is going to wake them up!
OMG. Used. Condom. Ack. Gah. Bleeeergh!
But the funny thing is, when I read the word splooge (uncontrollable laughing here right now), but seriously, when I read the word splooge, that was when I realized that the condom had nothing to do with you and your husband. Because you would have been a bit more sensitive with the wordage, right, if it had been from you guys? You would have said, “the love offering of my sweetheart” or something.
But oh my God. I’m sad now. Because you know you can’t go on living and breathing like a normal person because you’ve had someone else’s STUFF on you (OMG, I feel so bad for you), and I’ve grown to love your writing, but now you’ll have to go into the Spooge Protection Program. And I will cry. All because some assholes had to get it on in the parking lot.
*sigh*
6. -R- | September 12th, 2006 at 8:25 pm
Maybe a kid just spit a loogey into the condom and left it in the parking lot to freak out other people. I really think that is what happened, and although it is gross that you had some kid’s spit on your hand, you don’t have to die now.
Dick van Dyke was on the Golden Girls? How do I not remember that?
7. jonniker | September 12th, 2006 at 8:29 pm
Nat: Oh my God, most hilarious comment. I howled through it, thank you. And we have a seedy parking lot, for sure. Shit’s gone down there many times.
R: Alas, I don’t think it was spittle. I know, um, the feel of splooge, and it was authentic, right down to the – oh nevermind, suffice it to say I actually put my fingers to my nose before I realized what was happening and there was no denying it and you can stop talking to me now because I AM JUST GROSS, THAT’S WHAT. And yah, Dick! The very end. Dorothy married him, and that’s how the series ended.
8. carol | September 12th, 2006 at 8:33 pm
I am speechless.
9. Cee | September 12th, 2006 at 8:51 pm
Oh my god. Oh my god. I can’t believe that happened to you. How many times have you washed your hands since?
Re ear candling – I tried it when I thought I had too much wax in my ears. And I got massive ear infections in both ears as a result, because I’d removed all the protective wax that’s supposed to keep icky stuff out of your ears. My doctor was very stern. I had fungus growing on my ear drums – extremely gross. I’m never going near ear candles again.
10. lightspeed | September 12th, 2006 at 9:04 pm
Poor you!
Well, I’m distracted. From my previous comment, I have discovered that I both need to learn to proof read and to punctuate. Shameful.
11. michelle/weaker vessel | September 12th, 2006 at 10:31 pm
O. M. F. G.
I totally just barfed all over my keyboard.
Okay, now that I’ve gathered my composure….
Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!
I don’t blame you if you go totally Lady OCD Macbeth after that.
12. Amy K | September 13th, 2006 at 1:24 am
Lady OCD MacBeth time, indeed. Try not to scald yourself or get any chemical burns. This is right up there with those drama in real life tales of young kids blowing up the “balloons” they found at the playground.
13. Blythe | September 13th, 2006 at 3:10 am
I’m so glad Ryan rode to your rescue. You can always count on him.
That’s the best/worst “don’t be a litterbug” story I’ve ever heard.
14. Christine | September 13th, 2006 at 5:44 am
OHMYGOD. I died for you. At first I thought perchance it was yours and I thought, “well that’s rather embarassing”…but OHMYGOD someone else’s…I. um. so. so. sorry.
And I’ve never had my ear candled. If it’s bothering you I would pour in half a capful or so of hydrogen peroxide with your head tilted. Let it bubble away and then dump it out onto a cotton ball and dry it up.
15. TwoBusy | September 13th, 2006 at 6:04 am
Monday: explosive dog-carrot diarrhea.
Tuesday: fresh mystery splooge.
Wednesday: ???
You’re on a serious roll. I can’t wait to see what vile organic substance covers you today. Vomit? Boogers? A bucket of pigs’ blood, a la “Carrie?” The mind boggles.
16. Lawyerish | September 13th, 2006 at 6:24 am
I have to go kill myself now, on your behalf.
17. Nancy | September 13th, 2006 at 6:59 am
Oh. My! I’m still laughing my butt off up here! In between the EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWs of course. Brilliant! Just brilliant!
18. Claire | September 13th, 2006 at 7:36 am
Oh my god.
i have to go wash my hands now.
maybe i’ll just bathe in the sink, because ew, oh my god, i can’t believe ew oh my god eww eeeeewwwww
urp, i can’t believe you stayed composed for long enough to remove it from her mouth. You are a good dog-mommy.
UGH OH MY GOD.
19. GG | September 13th, 2006 at 8:16 am
omigodomigodomigodomigod.
I am DYING for you over here. That might be the grossest, most horrific, most traumatic story I have ever heard. EVER.
AUGH!
Poor you!
20. impossiblejane | September 13th, 2006 at 8:55 am
oh my god, I’m so sorry. Get a cat. They don’t eat shit like that.
I am the biggest germaphobe. I would have been on the phone to my doctor to get every shot possible.
And please ignore my laughs. I was laughing so hard but so disgusted for you at the same time. I’m so sorry. Must wash now.
Jane
21. impossiblejane | September 13th, 2006 at 9:04 am
The condom story distracted me so much I forgot that I wanted to write about ear wax. Ear candles suck. My mom always used a better treatment on me.
You need someone to help you. Buy a baby syringe. Fill a bowl up with very warm water. Put a towel on your shoulder and have the person helping you hold the bowl under your ear. Fill the syringe with the water and have the person gently insert the syringe into the ear (be extremely gentle not to put it far…the same distance you’d put an ear swab…BUT DON”T JAM IT). Have them squirt the water and let it flow out. Do this 20-30 times. I swear to you it really gets big chunks of wax out without destroying your ears. It feels weird and makes a funny noise but it really feels good. Let me know how it works out.
22. Jen W. | September 13th, 2006 at 9:17 am
I will not speak of what you spoke of earlier. Because it causes death.
So instead, I will tell you of the raging hatred I have for Lukas Rossi. What the hell was he THINKING when he tried to do Coldplay’s song? Chris Martin’s falsetto? And then he screams like some hard core metal freak and jumps around the stage?
I actually screamed at the TV, “You fucking suck you goddamn poser!” and switched the channel.
23. Jamie | September 13th, 2006 at 10:33 am
I had to read this twice, b/c when I read it the first time, I initially thought you meant one of YOUR recently used condoms, and I thought to myself, “ok, that’s gross, but why is she so disturbed?”
Then I finished it. And read it again. Because it’s a little like a train wreck in that way.
24. Leah | September 13th, 2006 at 10:42 am
This is the first blog entry that has ever made me actually, physcially gag.
That is some serious gross you got there. So gross I can’t even bring myself to defend Dick Van Dyke, whom I love as a second father (which is perhaps why my own father refuses to believe he’s among the living and refers to him as Dick Van Dead).
SO GROSS.
25. Beth | September 13th, 2006 at 10:51 am
My, oh my! I think it’s very obvious what you need to do here. First you need to get a new dog, then you need to move, and then you need to boil your hand. Not in any particular order. The damage here is obviously severe and almost irreparable, but I think if you follow my advice you might recover…in about ten or twenty years. ;^)
26. Gentry | September 13th, 2006 at 10:57 am
1. I hope you’ve soaked your hand in a bowl of bleach for 5 hours.
2. Funny because I just played the “do pugs like carrots?” game too. My results weren’t so disasterous. But they were colorful.
3. Remind me to tell you about the time Napoléon ate and pooed an intact wine cork.
4. Ear candling: I ran a double blind experiment. I candled my right ear, unwrapped the candle and found it disturbingly full of wax. Then I candled a pillow that couldn’t possibly be housing ear wax, unwrapped the candle and found the same amount of ear wax. Candling is a way for hippies to stick it to the man.
27. Sarcomical | September 13th, 2006 at 11:25 am
i can’t look at you for a while…
28. Jen | September 13th, 2006 at 11:57 am
That’s what I was saying, Gentry, about the ear candling! Ha!
29. deb | September 13th, 2006 at 12:05 pm
O.k. what you need to do now is burn the flesh off of your hand and start over. AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!
30. jonniker | September 13th, 2006 at 12:54 pm
Got it, okay, candling = not good. And now that I think more deeply about it, Sarah Silverman did some sort of ear enema life on Jimmy Kimmel, not candling, that sounds a lot like what Jane recommends.
And I don’t blame any of you if you never read me again. I am gross, and I know it. And yes, my hands are chapped from the neverending washing.
31. amyjami | September 13th, 2006 at 1:15 pm
i would have skinless hands and i’m so sorry this happened.
i say that, of course, while snorting and gaffawing and seriously? next time the dog wants to eat something gross………LET HER. LOL
32. Carolyn J. | September 13th, 2006 at 5:36 pm
My doctor’s nurse does the ear-wax removal thing with a giant clinical looking syringe made especially for ears. If you do anything at home, please proceed with caution because you can damage your ear. If your wax block doesn’t come out right away, get thyself to a doc.
Oh, and re: Used condoms….is there an autoclave out there big enough to hold an entire person?
33. Orange Peacock | September 13th, 2006 at 8:13 pm
Oh. My. God.
Ew EW EW EW EW EW EW.
Had that happened to me, I would have shown up at the nearest ER in hysterics, shrieking “CHOP IT OFF! CHOP IT OFF!”
As it is, I really hope it was your non-dominant hand, because HOW WILL YOU EVER BRING YOURSELF TO TOUCH ANYTHING AGAIN?!?
34. winterwheat | September 14th, 2006 at 4:47 am
That is SO sick.
Moments like that are what hand sanitizer’s for — a tourniquet until you can get to a sink with real soap and water.
My dog licks the crotch of my underwear too (and my husband’s).
35. Claire | September 14th, 2006 at 6:44 am
i just wanted to pop back in and say:
Dear god, i can’t believe they chose Lukas.
I’m glad i didn’t seriously think about purchasing tickets for the tour, because i could nowayinhell sit through 90 minutes of that.
how utterly dissappointing.
36. suze | September 14th, 2006 at 10:25 am
oh dear god, remind me not to catch up on your blog during lunch time again. I’m fighting the urge the throw up in my mouth right now. And the computer screen may never recover from the half chewed french fry residue it is now riddled with…
37. dissed | September 17th, 2006 at 8:51 am
I am cackling. With glee.
38. dissed | September 17th, 2006 at 8:55 am
Okay, I’m cackling with glee and a trace of malice. Because the raccoons got into my trash and I picked up the trash and realized, too late, what was in my hand . . . it can only have belonged to the housesitter’s fiance, and the housesitter is my niece, and I DID NOT WANT TO HAVE TO THINK ABOUT THAT because I see them ALL THE TIME and I have touched his, um, yeah.
39. Matthias | September 25th, 2006 at 1:10 am
Hi jonniker,
at least, if you found that thing in the parking lot of your company, there is a small chance that it wasn’t a complete stranger …
Perhaps it was your colleague who dropped IT there.
Does that give you a better feeling ?
40. I Very Seriously Have Not&hellip | January 20th, 2008 at 5:58 pm
[...] If this is what it takes to have something interesting to write about, then I’ll pass this week, thankyouverymuch. Because OH MY GOD. [...]
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