Me and a Gun
September 18th, 2006
Over the weekend, there was this insane sort of standoff in a nearby neighborhood involving some dude after he got into a fight with his girlfriend. They fought, he was angry and so naturally he walked outside with his handgun, fired off a couple of rounds, and casually went about his day. I guess it freaked her out a little, she went running to the cops and it escalated. Next thing you know, there is a SWAT team and a K-9 crew outside their house wearing fatigues and screaming at him to surrender his weapon and come out, come out, wherever he is! Which was, I feel compelled to remind you, probably at the 7-11 having a Slurpee, not in the house surrounded by the SWAT team.
In discussing this today, a friend and I were marveling at the stupidity of the entire thing and she pointed out that in her neighborhood, people step outside and shoot handguns all the time. You know, they just pop outside the front door, let loose with a round of bullets to blow off some steam, and head back in for another go at the bean dip. And what’s scarier is that I had to agree, because me too. I mean, I’m not shooting outside, but people have gone out to shoot behind our house with their children (CHILDREN) for no apparent reason, and what’s sad? What’s really, really sad? I’ve stopped noticing. I spend hours agonizing over whether my ear eczema is life-threatening, and meanwhile, I’m going to get taken out by a rogue bullet before the week is out because I am just used to hearing the sound of gunfire out here. I did call the cops last week on a kid running through the streets with a paintball gun, because you could shoot your eye out, you know, with those pellets. But in handguns, I guess I am apparently entirely desensitized.
At a recent group lunch, out of nowhere it surfaced that every single one of them had a concealed weapon permit. They had Glocks in their glove compartments, for chrissake. I drove back to my car with one of them, my eyes glued to the glove box the entire time thinking, wow, she could shoot me now, bury me behind the hardware store and no one would notice.
I’ve always been terrified of guns, andI won’t own one, but somewhat recently, I went to the local shooting range with my father-in-law, and I am somewhat shamed to admit: It was a lot of fun. There is something so…sexy about holding a gun, I can’t even pretend to feel otherwise. I totally dig why people have them, because, truthfully, it’s hot, dude. In particular, I had a great time with a Walther, which is smooth, easy to shoot and, well, just hell yes. At a public shooting range, however, the strange fetishist reverie is easily broken when you turn your head to see some freakish survivalist not far from you firing off machine guns towards human-shaped targets, and suddenly you realize, oh my God, I’m holding a gun and holy shit, I could totally kill someone, who cares how sexy it is? (But again: Walthers are totally hot and yes, quite sexy, in an abstract kind of way, and maybe children shouldn’t read this, because it sounds like I’m suggesting guns as foreplay, and I’m not. Well, not really. Maybe unloaded? Kid! I kid! No really!)
My point is…hell, I don’t think I have a point right now, except to say that this whole experience was already scary, and now we can add gun-toting wild citizens to the whole shenanigan. Not only am I torturing myself with this most ridiculous discussion of the sex appeal of guns, of which there shouldn’t be any (there totally is), but I am apparently completely and totally desensitized to anything gun-related unless it relates to sex, I live near an entire cadre of gun-toting fools, and I have seen more uzis in action than I ever thought possible. Oh, and I live near an area where SWAT teams are used on a regular basis for small-time domestic disputes. And people shoot guns outside their front doors to cool down after an argument. And I’m acting like I find the whole thing strangely arousing, which means, hoo boy, it is time to go.
An interesting aside to this is that after that day where I shot the Hot Walther, my purse was filled with spent shells from being near the range and, well, it didn’t go over well with airport security when I went to get on a plane, but that’s a story for another day.
And lastly, and speaking of hot, unattainable crushes (uh, guns?), the majority of mine have been dropping like flies for me lately. It’s no secret that I’m a sucker for a slightly effeminate musician in eyeliner (we can explore the bizarre implications of this another day, but I promise you that my husband is neither of these things. No eyeliner here, and yet, I still find him superhot.) Until now, Brandon Flowers (of The Killers) has been almost everything my depraved little heart could possibly hope for, but lately, his performances have been leaving me cold, and the VMAs was no exception. Hot in photos, killer voice, but the performances and movement? Cold. I’m cold. Maybe he needs a gun. I mean, not really of course. God.
Link to the performance on YouTube, if you care, here.
*Tori Amos. And please, I’m not advocating gun totage, really, and of course, I advocate responsible gun ownership, but really, that’s not my job, and I wouldn’t be very good at it, since I do not own a gun, okay? And if I actually thought I was in any danger on a daily basis, I would buy entire outfits of Kevlar. I’m still thinking about it.
Entry Filed under: Nuttin'
17 Comments Add your own
1. Nat | September 18th, 2006 at 8:40 pm
Guns absolutely terrify me. I could never have one. I guess perhaps because I wasn’t raised in a country where it was permissable to have one? I can see the sexy factor, however, but only in the “I’m sexy because I’m strong and powerful and NOTGOING TO TAKE IT ANYMORE” way. Like I can see myself at the target practice place, but then if I had to shoot somebody, I’d crap my pants. Unless somebody was going to hurt my kids, or my husband. Or my supply of Cadbury’s.
Crushes…..hmmmm, I have about fifty four of them right now, and some of them are on the cute men in the movie Munich. I know I should be focusing on the story and all, but I’m all, “Mmmmm, they’re cuuuuuuuuute”. Am I shallow? Perhaps?
2. Suebob | September 18th, 2006 at 8:59 pm
I tend to pretend that the explosions I hear are fireworks, which they often are (I live in a Mexican neighborhood. Mexicans, bless their hearts, love the big noisy fireworks). But sometimes – like the other night, I slide out of bed and onto the floor until I can be sure. I would so hate to be taken out by a stray bullet.
The dog? She is smart. Sleeps in the closet.
3. Stinkypaw | September 18th, 2006 at 9:08 pm
Interesting post. Just tonight I was telling a friend that last Wednesday when some crazed guy walked in the cafeteria of a local college and shot of bunch of students, I was standing in line to have my picture taken for the renewal of my firearm permit – I felt kind of weird about it all, after, to think of what had happened while I was renewing my permit… Guns are not the dangerous items, it is the people handling them that are truly the dangerous ones… I’ve been around guns all my life, and it is scary to think that we (not just you!) as a society are becoming more and more desensitized…
And yes there IS something very sexy about guns…it might be that sensation of (fake) “power” that we feel when firing one…
4. Yez | September 18th, 2006 at 9:29 pm
Firearms are sexy. Respect for firearms is sexier. Proficiency in firearms handling and use is sexier still. Not using them is sexiest of all :>
Target practice and skeet shooting are each One Helluva Good Time and totally cool, if the respect, safety and legality are all there.
(I’ve said enough already about desensitization!)
5. dissed | September 19th, 2006 at 5:03 am
Gotta have my guns. Yep.
6. Gypsy | September 19th, 2006 at 6:16 am
James Bond carries a Walther. I’m just saying.
7. Lawyerish | September 19th, 2006 at 6:18 am
For the first time ever, we diverge. I am utterly terrified of guns. I have an irrational fear that if I ever touched a gun — ever came NEAR a gun — I would somehow accidentally shoot myself and/or a loved one. I don’t think I would feel the sex appeal if I went to the shooting range. Because there are GUNS at a shooting range! And I could DIE!
I personally wish guns would be completely outlawed, 100% gone, forever and ever amen. Of course that wouldn’t stop the flow of illegal weapons into the country and blah blah blah, but I would feel better never even hearing gunshots in a movie or on a television show.
I am a great big, huge wuss.
8. TwoBusy | September 19th, 2006 at 6:44 am
To review:
Theme parks = evil.
Guns = sexy fun.
Mystery spooge in your dog’s mouth = hey, I wonder what that smells like?
Solid.
9. -R- | September 19th, 2006 at 7:03 am
I would definitely go for the Kevlar outfit. OMG.
10. christine | September 19th, 2006 at 7:06 am
I don’t believe Florida sometimes. My parents luckily don’t live in an area where people go to shoot their guns into the air to blow off some steam. BUT seriously sometimes I wonder what is wrong with people.
My boyfriend had a recurring dream last weekend that our house was being broken into, so now he deems it a premonition and is advocating for a gun. IN OUR HOUSE. I won’t let him. Because honestly, I can’t walk down our stairs without tripping and I have no doubt I would take out a leg, my own and not that of a would be robber.
11. jonniker | September 19th, 2006 at 7:49 am
nat: I can’t help but recall vaguely that Munich is chock-full of really hot dudes, so I understand.
SB: Fireworks? We have those too, and oh my god, re: the floor shimmy.
SP: Wholly agree that it’s the people.
Yez: Amen for responsibility! My FIL only has them for range-shooting purposes. Or so I hope.
Dissed: *nervous laugh*
Ish: I was with you 100% until the range experience. I realized that it would be a bit challenging for me to just fire off and shoot someone by accident, and once I let go of that, found it to be fun.
TB: Excellent summary.
R: It’s tempting
Christine: Having a gun in the house is a scary prospect. I really don’t think I could do it, especially if we thought about having kids. It’s just too dangerous to think about what could happen when (not if) the kids found out we had a gun, and where it was.
12. jes | September 19th, 2006 at 10:09 am
I don’t think I could ever get used to the sound of guns shooting around me. Bizzare.
13. jes | September 19th, 2006 at 10:10 am
Bizzare?
Bizare?
BIzarre?
Gah. What is happening to me?
14. Amity | September 19th, 2006 at 10:22 am
Did you happen to watch “How I Met Your Mother” last night? Totally on topic!
15. lena | September 19th, 2006 at 5:26 pm
This is seriously disturbing. Everyone knows Slurpees kill.
Seriously, it is frightening what we must accept in our neighborhoods now.
Also, Brandon disappointed me at the VMA’s as well.
16. suze | September 19th, 2006 at 5:47 pm
I’m completely afraid of guns. In Canada however, we don’t seem to have the same number of people shooting them off for no reason in the back yard. at least, not in my neighbourhood. Although, we did have the swat team on our street a few months ago. I saw plenty of guns that night.,.,
17. urban chick | September 24th, 2006 at 6:07 am
your country (or state?) scares me!
we no like da guns in da u of k (thank god)
knives on the other hand…
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