There Is a Light That Never Goes Out
September 19th, 2006
I saw the world today through a miraculous Cloud of Grump. I planned – for the fourth day in a row – to switch my schedule around and get up and go to the gym in the morning instead of at night. And suddenly, thirty pops to the alarm clock later, it was the miracle hour – 8:15 – before I knew it. I’m certain that there is some deep, Freudian reason for this early morning self-sabotage, but at that hour, I don’t very much care what it is.
Sleep has been pretty shitty lately, so mornings come far too quickly for me to be happy about it. Mostly, I’m wondering what the hell happened that I can no longer make it through the night without waking up with a terrifying desire to pee. Is it just me? I can make it to 5 or 6 a.m. at best, and when that moment comes, it’s pain not unlike an overweight cow resting comfortably on my bladder, squeezing its torturously fat udders all over my lower abdomen (oh god, I just grossed myself out with the udder visual). And yet: I push through it. I convince myself that if I fall asleep again, I will no longer have to pee, and I will get to sleep – SLEEP! – right through the urge to pee, because who cares if you have to pee if you’re sleeping? You’re sleeping! Bladders sleep!
Well, my subconscious cares, and it cares deeply. Invariably, I have one of those dreams where I’m searching, searching, searching in vain for a bathroom – any bathroom at all, hell even a toilet standing on the side of the road – and yet, the only bathrooms I can find are a) disgusting and fraught with nasty wet toilet paper all over the floor; b) full of mysteriously broken toilets with lids you can’t actually lift; or c) occupied with some sort of wild public figure like Condoleeza Rice hovering over me, asking me really crazy questions while I try to eek out a satisfying pee ( “Tell me everything you know about Gitmo. What kind of fast food do they have? WENDY’S OR MCDONALD’S?”)
Thankfully, my bladder never wins the war over my subconscious desire to create scenarios to prevent myself from peeing the bed at the age of 30, so I wake up terrified over and over again, never fully get back to sleep, and then I have to get up around 7 a.m. to pee anyway. Which, wouldn’t you think that it would be a good idea for me to get up for good, for God’s sake, since I’ve already made it to the bathroom? Of course not. I instantly rationalize right then and there that because I didn’t get quality sleep for the last two hours because of Condi and the Bad Toilets, I must somehow make up for it right then, or I will be a miserable, tired wreck for the rest of the day.
Early morning bladder aside, our bed isn’t helping matters. A few years ago, we bought a giant, Michelin-man bed which, while awesomely large and spacious (which we need, as I am a spread-eagler, a snorer, a sweater, a solitary sleeper, and a host of other annoying sleep-related things), I fear we’re starting to abuse the vast field between us. A gander just now to my left reveals my phone, Adam’s phone, four television remote controls, the light/fan remote and a pair of wireless headphones I made Adam get a few years ago for his late-night television viewing (so he wouldn’t disturb my precious slumber). And mysteriously, there is also a pair of tweezers skulking around in there. Oh, and when we’re sleeping, we each put our respective (eye)glasses between the pillows, which means that I’ve almost broken them about a frillion times, in between bouts of almost stabbing myself in the eye with the tweezers.
And yet: I don’t change a thing night after night, even when I change the linens – I put the stuff right back where it was atop the fresh sheets, laid out to torture us again. Three times in the last two nights alone, I’ve rolled over in my sleep and cranked up the volume on the television, slammed the light firmly into the “on” position, and hit the fan on such a high speed it actually shook on the ceiling. It’s like I’m some kind of toddler who keeps touching a hot pan over and over again. Compulsive.
I’m rambling. Anyway, I had a grumpy day that also involved road rage, unfortunately on my part, and I’m shamed to admit that for a good half-mile today, I drove with my middle finger dangling out the window for the benefit of people who were behind me while I screeched out the window some sort of wild, irrational obscenity that I’m actually embarrassed about. There are moments, I am horrified to discover, when I fully understand why people who aren’t as…balanced as I am (?) can really lose their peaches and start shooting people in the streets over a poor driving decision. It just feels like such a personal violation of good manners, and the great irony is that I want to see their bad manners and raise them a good screaming match and maybe a middle finger or two. God, I just felt murderous towards that woman who wouldn’t let me merge as my lane was closing.
And lastly, after yesterday’s conversation, I will leave you with this bizarre opening line from the Glock website that reads like bad porn spam, and while it tries to affirm the idea that guns are a little on the dangersexy side, it cruises right past sexy into smarm.
I trust you will find it both informative and an enhancement to your shooting pleasures.
Well, indeed.
*The Smiths
Entry Filed under: Nuttin'
18 Comments Add your own
1. Tan | September 20th, 2006 at 5:28 am
I alwas dream that the doors don’t close or the partitions between toilets aren’t high enough, and there’s like 20 other people standing around fully able to watch me pee if they wish! I too can’t make it past the wee hours of the morning (no pun intended). And my dream is to have a king sized bed purely for the sprawl factor
2. Lawyerish | September 20th, 2006 at 6:20 am
Oh my God. I have the same sleeping-urge-to-pee problem. Why? Are our bladders aging that much? I can sleep through it, too, but I dream about racing around for bathrooms just like you. Although, thankfully, Condi Rice does not make an appearance. That would be the equivalent of a night terror for me.
3. Jenny | September 20th, 2006 at 7:19 am
My God you nailed it.
I think someone needs to market a temporary night-time catheter.
I’d totally buy it.
4. Heather B. | September 20th, 2006 at 8:43 am
I think you should be less concerned with the urge to pee and more concerned that the Ice Queen shows up in your dreams. Though not really a dream, more like a nightmare.
5. Leah | September 20th, 2006 at 10:44 am
I thought it was just that the cat has taken to sleeping on my abdomen, but apparently my bladder is aging and we’re all going to die. Either that or just wet ourselves.
6. -R- | September 20th, 2006 at 11:23 am
I love your writing! But there is too much on which I could comment. How have you not broken your glasses yet by sleeping with them in the bed? Get some nightstands! That will solve all of your problems! Well, not the almost peeing in bed or road rage problems, but the sleeping on remotes, glasses, and tweezers problems. Also, that gun website sounds really pervy.
7. Tartine | September 20th, 2006 at 12:05 pm
Oh, how I torture myself in the early morning by not just getting up and peeing already. I hold it and hold it for hours, and by the time I give up and go pee I only have like 30 minutes before my alarm goes off. And of course I go back to bed. Why would I do something productive like go to the gym? Please!
8. TwoBusy | September 20th, 2006 at 12:24 pm
The real fun begins if and when you reproduce, and suddenly you have a third party adding creative new debris to your bed of fools. Inadvertantly turning on the light or crushing your glasses is one thing, but nothing compares to rolling onto your back in the middle of the night and suddenly discovering the front end of a Weeble jammed up your ass.
9. jes | September 20th, 2006 at 1:46 pm
Forget having to pee and wanting to shoot people. Eye glasses?
On your bed?
When you’re trying to sleep?
WTF?
I do not understand such oddities.
10. JayAre | September 20th, 2006 at 2:05 pm
OMG. I am sitting in the public computer area at my college laughing so hard there are tears streaming down my face. People are staring at me. This is so embarassing.
That’ll teach me to check blogs when I ought to be studying.
11. Suebob | September 20th, 2006 at 4:09 pm
Sorry to say, I think it is the good old aging bladder syndrome. That is why I quit camping – too far to the loo in the dark.
My dreams are of filthy broken toilets with long lines…I am surely demented.
Do yourself a favor and take that stuff outa the bed before you hurt someone!
12. Jem | September 20th, 2006 at 7:46 pm
I am TERRIFIED of the pee dreams. I keep thinking “Surely I am not this stupid, I will realise that if I pee and yet I still keep having to pee, or something is stopping me from peeing, IT IS JUST A DREAM” but still I continue to dream about peeing.
13. Carolyn J. | September 20th, 2006 at 9:09 pm
Firstly, this post is damn funny.
Secondly, you may want to check into your drinking habits during the day (drinking, not *drinking tipple tipple wink wink*). I only have to get up to pee when I drink too much liquid in the late afternoons.
14. Yez | September 20th, 2006 at 10:04 pm
Watch your email for a Daily Affirmation (photo taken today)!
15. Orange Peacock | September 21st, 2006 at 8:27 pm
I had a pee dream last night after reading this, and I blame you 100%.
Still, don’t you ever fear that your body will forget that it’s just a dream? Eek!
16. Kristin | September 21st, 2006 at 8:58 pm
I LOVE your writing. You are witty, charming, and honest. It is truly a pleasure to read your blog everyday! I also leave my glasses in bed -my husband being new to wearing glasses just does not understand…
17. amyjami | September 28th, 2006 at 2:20 pm
“Three times in the last two nights alone, I’ve rolled over in my sleep and cranked up the volume on the television, slammed the light firmly into the “on” position, and hit the fan on such a high speed it actually shook on the ceiling.”
omg……..this little gem just got me busted by a coworker because i was actually snorting and almost caused me to wet myself and it’s not even early morning (which i do too, but mine’s around the 4:30 hour. not good). dude, you CRACK me up. every day. i love your stories!
18. Consumer Electronics Revi&hellip | September 27th, 2007 at 8:51 pm
Consumer Electronics Reviews
I couldn’t understand some parts of this article, but it sounds interesting
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