Organ Grinder

One of my neighbors started a new job last week, and she’s pret-ty damn excited! I ran into her tonight while walking the dog, and she looked all…dolled up and dressy-like, compared to her usual sweatpanted self. I foolishly inquired kindly: why the lipstick, Julie? And she proceeded to give me a mad earful about the inexplicable joy she’s found in her life selling organs in the mall. And by ‘organs,’ I don’t mean hearts and livers, I mean musical-type organs which I didn’t even know they still made, did you? I mean, I’ve been to the mall many, many times and I cannot recall with any sort of clarity ever seeing an organ store, but I suppose I’ll take her word for it, and assume it’s tucked in the back behind the JC Penney. Well, I have to believe it, especially given what followed:

“You know, I’ve been thinking, and you and your husband are really ripe for a pipe organ. Have you ever considered it?”

And then she made this big old sweeping gesture with her hand that looked…well, it looked rehearsed, and I felt like I was in that scene in Garden State where the kid with the pyramid scheme tries to rope them in selling knives or something while he looks skyward for some sort of divine inspiration. Her arm went swooping wildly as she mouthed the words “pipe organ” and her eyes turned toward the heavens dramatically. And um, she said “ripe.” Not surprisingly, I was completely speechless, because aren’t pipe organs huge? Like Phantom of the Opera huge? And perhaps more importantly: who exactly is ripe for a pipe organ? Who longs to spend their evenings holed up playing “Beautiful Dreamer” in varying honky tones?

I just…well, I just don’t know what else to say, frankly. And given that she’s trying to sell me a pipe organ on the street, I’m guessing her commissions aren’t rolling inm because who the hell is buying organs? I’m not even sure she realizes what a pipe organ actually is. Because I’m not sure either.

Apropos of absolutely nothing, late last week, I noticed that my skirt reeked of sour milk. This was determined after sniffing the entire contents of my desk, including my drawers, where, sadly, a fuzzy Tupperware container was indeed unearthed, but was not the cause of the stench. After I realized it was following me to my car, I started to consider the fact that I may have sat in something and shrugged it off as a one-time experience after sitting in ice cream.

Unfortunately, it was not a one-time experience, as three more days this week, I found that I smelled slightly sour, like baby formula gone rancid. And, um, wow, if that’s not an alluring odor, I don’t know what is, exactly. The culprit was discovered late yesterday to be a Werther’s Original caramel, washed and dried – melted, actually – and left to…well, left to fester in the back of the dryer, which, when mixed with Downy Clean Breeze, creates an extremely unpleasant smell, and I really don’t recommend anyone try this at home to recreate it, given that I spent my morning with some Goo Be Gone and a healthy dose of Nature’s Miracle. The all-clear has been given as of 7 p.m. this evening, but I can’t be sure.

And lastly, to continue the streak of completely unrelated drivel, I discovered that I am deeply, deeply in love with finding a bargain, and that there are no limits to this bargain-loving soul of mine. Yesterday, I discovered a store called Liquidation Groceries which, as you can probably guess, specializes in large volumes of oxymoronic near-expired non-perishables, which means it’s basically a giant warehouse full of generic Triscuits. However, I discovered that they do have Green Mountain coffee, which warms the cockles of my caffeinated soul, and because, I don’t know, I was afraid it was the last cheap Green Mountain coffee I would ever see for the rest of my life, I loaded up and bought 11 pounds of coffee for $4. I am kicking back with the remnants of Spicy Eggnog decaf as we speak. Because nothing says “holiday” like 90 degree weather and a house covered in a plague of breeding frogs.

Have a great weekend.

*Marilyn Manson

10 comments September 28th, 2006