Morning Has Broken
October 5th, 2006
I woke up this morning with a thick trail of dark red – brick, if you will – streaked along my pillowcase, and for a brief moment, was thoroughly convinced that I’d been shot in my sleep and well, this was it. It wasn’t until I rocketed bolt upright in bed and felt up my entire body (lingering for a little too long around my left boob, which was, I was sure, the source of the wound because it hurt like hell) that I considered that there may be other possibilities other than, you know, a stray bullet screaming through the bedroom window.
I got my hair cut and colored last night (until 11freaking30 p.m.), and I get most of it done a couple of shades of reddish something, and I guess it all didn’t sink in, because I am now resting my head (yes still, because I haven’t done a damn thing about it) on a pillowcase that is exactly the same shade as my hair. And you know, I was so, so close to having a normal haircut with my hairdresser, until I told him the condom story, which in retrospect was an obvious pitfall I could have avoided. When I mentioned that I made the grievous error of taking a whiff of my slippery fingers (SORRY SORRY SORRY), he agreed wholeheartedly and said, “Oh yes, you can’t help it! Like when you accidentally scratch your anus in public and you want to make sure you didn’t pick up any odorous remnants!”
Uh, yeah. Like that. (I am not making this up, and believe me, I wish I was.) After I finally managed to steer the conversation away from male genitalia and anuses (it can’t be anii, but I want it to be), we ended up debating whether I should get the peach fuzz on my cheeks waxed (I brought it up, and it’s very pale, okay, but GAH, it’s there, and what am I going to do? When the light shines behind my head, I AM FUZZY), he proceeded to tell me how he gets the male equivalent of a Brazilian every three weeks, and God, it sure is painful, given his hemorrhoids (that reside, conveniently on his sphincter muscle. He was sure to detail what that means in vivid terms). And just…Jesus Mary and Joseph. This is getting out of hand.
And yet, bloody panic aside, my hair is as good as ever.
The gunshot wound happened, incidentally, at 7 a.m. and this time, because my heart was going about a frillion times per second (you know, because someone SHOT ME), I decided to get up and start my day all fresh-like and put on some coffee. From my embarrassing stash of deeply-discounted and discontinued Green Mountain grinds, I selected French Toast (mmm….buttery!), and was knee-deep in a beatific General Foods International Coffees moment when I came upstairs to take a shower and found my husband lying in bed, all rumpled and awake, glaring at me and hissing “URINE” in a very angry tone.
What? I was baffled.
PISS, he insisted.
I guess the maple syrup accord in the French toast coffee smells like day-old urine if you’re not drinking it, and what better way to wake up, I say? Except that he’d just spent the last 10 minutes in a half-awake stupor convinced that I had peed the bed in the night, and left it for him to fester in. Nice. (Incidentally, syrup is a word that irritates me immensely, because there are people who say seer-up, and then there are sirrup people. I’m a seer-up person, and I’m rapidly learning that I am in the minority and to that, I say, pshaw! And also, you’re all wrong, sirrups!)
And separately, I didn’t shower today, and well, I probably should have, it’s just that I got all distracted by the piss-talk, and my hair had just been done at 11:30 last night after four hours with the Lenninator, and hell, I opted for playing with the dog instead. Except that around noon, the ammonia from the dye in my still-unwashed hair started to smell like – you guessed it – urine! Only I thought it wasn’t ammonia, but was in fact, maple syrup, after this morning’s fiasco (I don’t know how I made that leap, I just don’t know), and I spent an inordinate chunk of my lunch hour Googling “maple syrup smells like urine” and convinced myself for a few moments that I had (oh my God) maple syrup urine disease. Which, uh, it’s a DISEASE. Maple syrup urine disease is an actual disease and oh, it’s genetic! So then, of course, I was sure that not only did I smell like piss on a day that all of my coworkers are in the office, (all because I am a sad, lazy sow) but P.S., my kids were going to die as infants while smelling like caramel and syrup (seer-up!) from some sort of amino acid deficiency or mutation or whatever, and great, just fucking GREAT.
And then I thought: the boobs, the shooting, the syrup, the panic, the dates. Ahhh, the PMS. And all is right with the world. There is an explanation for the madness.
And so, I hope you all have a fine weekend, full of French toast and pancakes and blueberries and…syrup. But if you plan to serve sirrup, don’t tell me about it, okay?
*Cat Stevens. I love Cat. Don’t make fun of me.
Entry Filed under: Nuttin'
25 Comments Add your own
1. Suebob | October 5th, 2006 at 7:36 pm
Wow.
2. Kristin | October 5th, 2006 at 9:55 pm
I have nothing to contribute in regards to the maple syrup, but I also love Cat Stevens. Yes.
3. -R- | October 5th, 2006 at 10:00 pm
I cannot believe that is a real disease. No.
But you are right. It is see-rup.
4. Claire | October 6th, 2006 at 5:21 am
Hmm. Sirrup…. Seer-up…. SIRrup…
I’m not sure which camp i’m in and i’ve been sitting at my desk trying to pronounce syrup (outloud, like an ass) as naturally as possible. I have never noticed and now i can’t tell. Will have to work it into a conversation later in the day to make the final decision.
Who doesn’t like Cat Stevens? For shame.
And also, Lenny. EW. Ew ew ew ew. You could have lived a long, happy life without ever hearing about Lenny’s hemmerhoidal sphincter.
5. Amity | October 6th, 2006 at 5:37 am
I second Kristin.
6. Christine | October 6th, 2006 at 5:44 am
Well. I’m definitely not a sayer of “sirrup” but I don’t think I say SEERup. Maybe just a combo? Damnit! I don’t know.
And Adam? Piss is hilarious..
7. TwoBusy | October 6th, 2006 at 5:45 am
I’m a cute 23-year old and the only thing I love more than cute loafers is cute Brazilian waxes.
8. Beth | October 6th, 2006 at 5:49 am
When you say “sirrup,” do you mean “surrup,” or is that something else? ‘Cause I can’t say “surrup.” That would be, well, gross. Kinda like saying “melk” (milk) and “warsh” (wash). Okay, I’ll stop myself right here because, believe me, I could go on. ;^)
9. Lawyerish | October 6th, 2006 at 6:18 am
Now I’m driving myself crazy trying to figure out which one I say. I think “sirrup.” Sorry. I hope we can still be friends.
I knew it was time for another Lenny entry when you didn’t post the other night! Is it odd that people out in the Internet ether can sense when you are getting your hair done?
10. Daily Tragedies | October 6th, 2006 at 7:23 am
Isn’t it nice when The Crazy can all be explained away? I usually don’t figure it out until three days later.
Seerup, all the way. And Cat Stevens? LOVE. Grew up with his greatest hits record, had to download the whole thing from iTunes.
11. Heather B. | October 6th, 2006 at 7:40 am
I have no words.
Oh, wait, can we see another picture of your fucking fantastic hair?
Please and thank you
12. Beth | October 6th, 2006 at 8:29 am
Best entry ever.
That is all.
13. glenda | October 6th, 2006 at 10:46 am
What about the midwest variant, “Surp.” Simplifies everything.
14. Melissa | October 6th, 2006 at 11:24 am
Sirrup-sayer here, but I can’t change it now. I also say kyu-pon instead of coo-pon, will that be a problem?
Your Lenny stories absolutely kill me. He doesn’t seem to have that public story/private story filter, does he?
Have a great weekend, and thanks (as always) for an excellent post.
15. Yez | October 6th, 2006 at 12:48 pm
SEER-up. Not sirrup (as in stirrup), and certainly not Surp, just as a looking-glass is a MEER-er (I think MEER-or sounds a little haughty) and absolutely not MEER.
Tell Adam he has an olfactory malfunction.
16. hollywoodgirl | October 6th, 2006 at 1:54 pm
In my world, it’s seerup. Maple, only. Any other flavor is not seerup, it’s sauce.
The watermelon skirt: is it a watermelon print or does the skirt look like a watermelon?
17. Allison | October 6th, 2006 at 2:14 pm
I say sirrup also. I think maple syrup is scary. The stickiness! And also, my pillow sometimes smells like syrup if I don’t change the sheets for a while. That might be gross. Sorry.
18. amyjami | October 6th, 2006 at 2:22 pm
please don’t ever stop going to lenny. this is PRICELESS. HAHA
sirrup
melk (my husband HATES this, but i can’t change it!)
wash.
i think it’s a midwest thing. only the old people say “warsh” anymore tho…..
19. Orange Peacock | October 6th, 2006 at 3:07 pm
Oh, Lord. You should hear my mother’s family gatherings. I am an interesting hodgepodge, with a New Yorker father of good sleazy Italian stock, and a Southern farm-gal mother. At holidays on the farm, we say sirrup, warsh, ain’t, “Eleanor” becomes “Elner”, but it doesn’t matter because everyone has TWO first names. The kids get threatened with whuppins. AND EVERYONE IN A TEN-MILE RADIUS IS RELATED. And did I mention everyone has two names? Ella Louise, Ada Mae, you betcha. The only way my brain doesn’t explode (for I am the black sheep, with a thoroughly Italian name and a more New Yorkish accent ground in by my father) is by focusing on the fact that all the food is homemade and grown on the farm.
Also…ODOROUS REMNANTS??? Oh, Lenny.
20. Leah | October 6th, 2006 at 4:16 pm
If “anus” is originally from a Latin noun that’s neuter in gender, it would be “ana.” This is me putting my education to good use.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to read the rest of the entry.
21. Leah | October 6th, 2006 at 4:19 pm
Good God, woman.
22. claire | October 7th, 2006 at 1:16 pm
I wanted to check back in and tell you that its definitely seer-up.
Had pancakes this morning just to make sure.
Ok, then.
23. Stinkypaw | October 7th, 2006 at 3:38 pm
Wow! Your brain amazes me! I am in awe of you! Really!
Love your Lenny stories! They are the best! I’m getting a Brazilian next week and for some reason I have a feeling I’ll be thinking of you, Lenny and his hemorrhoids! Arrgh!
24. Jen W. | October 8th, 2006 at 10:05 am
I had pancakes this weekend, and they were drenched with SIRRUP, and they were gooooooood.
25. Jamie | October 9th, 2006 at 1:58 pm
SURRRRUP all up in the Midwest – represent!
The sound of someone saying see-rupp makes me shudder.
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