Do Your Ears Hang Low?
October 8th, 2006
I barked my way through Friday afternoon and was pretty much inconsolable due to a series of hormonal crests and troughs. I was only able to perk up at dinner, when I actually got tears in my eyes as I whimpered, “I want…jalepeno poppers…with ranch dressing.” And though I paid for those poppers in the form of searing midnight cramps, I can honestly say they were worth it.
The hormones made for an exciting weekend for all of us, and no wicked menstrual cycle is complete without a well-timed cold sore, which is affectionately known around these parts as The Herp. Yes, thanks to the wonders of being a woman, along with the herpes simplex virus, my lower lip is tingly, angry and pustulated, waiting to freak the hell out of my coworkers tomorrow, and it’s already well into a bout of terror for poor Adam. By tomorrow morning, I fully expect it to be lying supine on its own pillow and shouting demands for ice cream and pickles like Aunt Sponge and Aunt Spiker.
And as if getting dressed in the morning wasn’t already a challenge – for the next seven days, I will have a demanding little creature on my lower lip that will require some sort of disguise or distraction. I’ve addressed the issue of my fashion sense here before, and really, it continues to plummet below acceptable levels. Foul-smelling skirts and wrong shoes aside, I don’t need a garment mishap to find myself in an awkward situation. And the worst thing about it is that I’ve actually managed to get my sad little ass awake before 8 a.m. – hell, I’ve even managed to eek towards 7:15 at times, but I don’t actually do anything to improve my appearance, because my mind and body are operating at the same level as a bowl of banana Jello. Instead of showering, putting on makeup and/or figuring out something to wear other than a t-shirt and wrinkly skirt, I spend my time staring into glazed space, surfing the Internet (sometimes wildly answering e-mails in manner of drunk person) and occasionally sitting on the (closed) toilet and catching up on US Weeklies from last July. I shower, then pick up whatever random bits of clothing I can cobble together from the closet and/or floor and leave the house with wet hair. Hot hot hot.
The other day, I found myself in a semi-important meeting-type thing and when I looked down, I was wearing a random Threadless t-shirt with Barney on it (!!), and a heather gray skirt that was so…gah, it was so limp it looked like I was wearing sweatpants that were cut off at the knees. God. It’s time for a change.
The thing is, I don’t do well with change of any kind, and worse, I hate when people notice that I’ve changed something. I hated when the clerk at the hardware store noticed I’d colored my hair, which is stupid, just stupid, I know. It’s just that when someone notices something new, I get all self-conscious about it, like they think I’m trying too hard, and nothing horrifies me more than someone who is trying too hard. Are you catching the flawed logic here? I’d rather look like I rolled out of bed into a pile of rotten milk than look like I put any sort of effort into changing my appearance for the better, because God forbid I look like I tried.
This same flawed logic applies to any article of clothing or accessory that doesn’t perform a specific function, i.e., simply covering the body, holding up pants, etc. I’m afraid of accessories, and does anyone remember when vests were in, back in the late 80s/early 90s? Vests were my nemesis. They didn’t do anything, they just…well, they just vested. And please, the suspender years? They were some of the worst in my personal fashion history, because man, I looked like I tried. I looked like I tried and failed, to be very specific.
Which brings me to my completely random and entirely senseless point which is that I’ve noticed that my pierced ears are starting to close and, well, I have a feeling I might regret that. And while noodling through my belongings this weekend, trying to find something – anything – that would help with The Herp, I discovered that I actually have quite a broad collection of earrings, and while I was young and not such a tightwad pain in the ass about things, I actually wore them.
And God, how easy is it to just throw on a pair of earrings? Much easier than trying to construct some sort of wild fashion statement that involves straps and/or any shoe that is not a flip flop.
Yes. Tomorrow, I will start with earrings. But honestly, if one person notices the earrings, I will never change anything again, and it’s back to sour milk-scented watermelon skirts for everyone!
*Barney. Yes, that Barney.
Entry Filed under: Nuttin'
16 Comments Add your own
1. Suebob | October 8th, 2006 at 8:55 pm
We are soul sisters. My biggest fear about wearing makeup is that people will NOTICE I’m wearing makeup. With the accessories, yes, I KNOW. A belt is a foreign concept to me. God forbid people should think I was TRYING to look pretty. WTF is up with all that?
2. Gentry | October 9th, 2006 at 3:04 am
I think the earings make you look like a violin playing gypsy. And thank you for yoru kind words in my comments. The last thing I need is another pug, but if you have time to slip a pack of sweet tarts and/or sprees in the post. I’d me mighty grateful. Is Sunny on Dogster? Or have you not sunk to that depth of pathos yet. (Napoléon has a profile).
3. Beth | October 9th, 2006 at 3:15 am
Aw, I hope you don’t discontinue wearing earrings if someone notices them. You look enviably cute, and you have THE best haircut for showing off earrings! Plus, I just have to say — wait until you have a kid someday, and the wee one notices everything about you, and sincerely says things like “Nice underpants, Mommy!” The compulsion to discontinue wearing things people notice may start to lessen at that point. ;^)
4. carol | October 9th, 2006 at 4:52 am
The earrings are you! I think it’s a smart answer to your Issues, Oh! I mean problem!
Earrings are easy and add a ton.
Please don’t worry about others. I’m with Beth – I think it’s time for a child. All the attention is diverted to them – and for the record – mine RARELY notice anything about me…except when I fart…then they shout in stores “MAMA!! I CAN SMELL YOU!!”
5. Christine | October 9th, 2006 at 5:35 am
The earrings are lovely. And sweet Jesus, today is a day that if I had an extra hour, a shower and better clothes might have been worth it. But alas, who has the time?
6. Claire | October 9th, 2006 at 5:47 am
i can’t belive you chose a Barney song. Ew. Well, its not like he wrote it or anything so i guess its ok…
Aunt Spiker and Aunt Sponge! Yay!
But, you know, Boo, cause you feel that way.
And also, i hope it makes you feel even remotely better that i cannot see any sign of The Herp in that picture you posted. It may be because the sun is full on my computer screen right now, but i think you’ll be ok. People are pretty good about averting their eyes to that sort of thing anyway.
Earrings? Pretty! Don’t be afraid of decorating yourself just a little. Too much and they’ll think you tried too hard. But earrings? nah.
7. Lawyerish | October 9th, 2006 at 6:36 am
Well now I am afraid to comment on the earrings, because you may get all self-conscious about them and bag the whole thing. But since you *invited* comment, I will say that I think they are very cute and make you look put together, especially with that amazing haircut. And I see no sign of The Herp anywhere.
8. Heather B. | October 9th, 2006 at 7:21 am
Ok, because you showed off your lovely hair, I will post a picture of myself. It’s only fair…;-)
9. Orange Peacock | October 9th, 2006 at 9:03 am
For what it’s worth…I had a flash of ADD and scrolled down to the picture halfway through the entry, trying to figure out what was different for a few minutes before reading the rest and smacking my forehead. So, as long as everyone else around you is as unobservant as me, you’ll be fine! Most people don’t even notice dramatic change. They just keep wondering if you got your hair trimmed or something.
10. Marmite Breath | October 9th, 2006 at 9:12 am
Cute earrings? Check
Rockin’ hair? Check
Attractive glasses? Check
Lovely skin? Check
Burning jealousy from blogging friends who have none of the above? Check!
11. Jamie | October 9th, 2006 at 10:02 am
I dig the earrings. You do have the perfect haircut for them!
12. Beth | October 9th, 2006 at 10:10 am
LOL @ Carol. I taught mine to say “Who stepped on a duck?” at, um, moments like that. Why yes, I *am* raising a little Rodney Dangerfield! ;^)
13. TwoBusy | October 9th, 2006 at 11:10 am
Hey… I know that song! From the segment of the video where they’re on the farm, and a couple of the BarneyChildren (TM) find that sad, beleaguered bassett hound and start to serenade him, “Do you ears hang low? Do they wobble to and fro? Can you tie ‘em in a knot…”
(long, awkward silence)
Please kill me.
14. Jen W. | October 9th, 2006 at 12:47 pm
Love the earrings. Don’t stop believin’…in the earrings.
15. Leah | October 9th, 2006 at 2:29 pm
I wore non-tennis shoes to work last weekend and everyone asked why I was dressed up (even though I was in my usual T-shirt and jeans), and then I died right there by the watercooler.
I am starting with necklaces and bracelets as I am too pussy to get my ears pierced.
16. Moose | October 9th, 2006 at 3:50 pm
Any time I deviate from my standard jeans, cartoon t-shirt and 10-year-old docs uniform, I inevitably catch a glimpse of myself in a passing reflective surface and think “dear god what have you done to yourself?”
Suffice it to say, vests never worked for me either.
I think you should keep the earrings. Maybe even, in a week or two, when you’re comfortable, change the earrings. To a different pair of earrings. But only if you’re comfortable.
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