Getting Away With It
October 9th, 2006
Every time I get a cold sore, I get paranoid that I’m going to spread it, uh, everywhere, and I don’t just mean there, I mean EVERYWHERE. If I get a mosquito bite on my arm, I freak out, screeching that I’ve got The Herp on my elbow! The Herp on my elbow! like Maria Von Trapp and the damn Nazis. I read somewhere that it can happen, you know, on alternate Tuesdays when the moon is full, and despite obsessive handwashing and the adamant refusal to put anything non-disposable to my lips, I can’t accept that it won’t happen to me.
As happens every month, we are winding down the hypochondriacal portion of our hormonal curve, and now that I’m rational again, I can say with total honesty that I gave myself no fewer than 37 breast self-exams, each with a different result, ranging from “It’s cancer OMG, we’re all going to die,” to “This should clear up with a lumpectomy and one round of chemo and THANK GOD I like my hair short already!” to “Uh, that lump you’re feeling? Is YOUR BOOB, you dumbass!”
I have finally accepted that the final diagnosis is more than likely the correct one, but I cannot rest yet because my boobs are still extremely sore from all the poking and prodding and perpetual feeling-up. And although the pain could mean something really ominous (like getting my period, OMG!), it likely means that I need to just sit up and get my damn fingers out of my fleenies.
Speaking of boobs, tonight Sunny and I were walking with my neighbor and her one year-old son, Nolan (not that Nolan!), who was dropping vanilla wafers and creme sandwiches the entire way, which was basically Shangri-La for Sunny, who now doesn’t understand why tasty creamy vanilla things don’t appear at her feet with every step she takes. When Nolan and his mom peeled off to go home, we walked by the gym/clubhouse (shut up), where a couple of kids I recognized were hanging out and yelling loudly. After a couple of lines, I realized that the smallish one was singing about his teacher in some sort of pre-pubescent sexual ode that involved sticking his “honker” into her “hooter” as retold in that really gorgeous way that only a 10 year- old can manage. After he reached a frenzied crescendo of hooters, honkers and weenies, he looked in my direction and shouted:
“Hey sweetheart! I think your boobs are pretty hot too, babe! Rock them hooters!”
He’s 10. TEN. I know his mother. Are 10 year-olds really into boobs and hooters and teachers and honkers? When I was 10, I may have had a crush on John Schneider (Bo Duke to you and me), and I most definitely had an ill-advised crush on Bowzer of ShaNaNa (Um, oh my God?), but seriously, my fantasies were centered around hitting the local ice cream store/dairy farm and holding hands behind the hay bales for crying out loud and maybe some hugging. I was not interested in feeling up either of their honkers or weenies or anything, dude, and if the opportunity presented itself, I would have run screaming for the hills, because I’m sure the sight would have petrified me, as I’d never seen man-junk before, and secondly, uh gross. And finally, although this is entirely irrelevant because again, he’s TEN, my boobs are nearly impossible to see from any distance, so maybe he was ahead of his time and being an ironic 10 year-old smartass? I’ll kick his ass either way.
And finally, I did, indeed, wear earrings today and no one noticed, which is awesome and I may even do it again! Woot! That is, I was home free until I got home and brought Sunny out for her evening walk (pre-honker) and my (very stylish and also very observant) 8 year-old neighbor Lexi eyed me suspiciously and asked:
“You goin’ somewhere?”
“No. Why?”
Her tone was accusatory and her hand was on her hip, defiant: “Uh, because you’re wearing EARRINGS. You never wear earrings. WHAT IS GOING ON WITH YOU?”
I’d almost gotten away with it. Almost.
*Electronic. Oh, Bernard. Oh, Neil.
**Oh my God, Beth, you were totally right.
Entry Filed under: Nuttin'
21 Comments Add your own
1. Kristin | October 9th, 2006 at 9:07 pm
Rock them hooters is my new life slogan. Thank you Jonniker.
(Also: I get the Herp once a year. They are death in a mothereffing pustule. Hate.)
2. Yez | October 9th, 2006 at 9:35 pm
The girl children, they are too damn perceptive. (And the boy children – now they’re thinking with the other head that young? {{{boggle}}}
3. Orange Peacock | October 9th, 2006 at 11:44 pm
I love you.
No, really. FLEENIES? Where did you get that from? How did I miss such fantastic terminology, in all the time I’ve spent with porn-obsessed frat boys? Fleenies! It made me giggle so hard I snorted, eliciting some angry looks from my more studious roommate.
But oh. My. God. The ten-year-old catcaller? I fell out of my chair. (Literally. I was sitting with my legs up on the desk and…well…thanks a LOT for this bruise on my ass) Kick his ass, then march him home and make him repeat what he said to his mommy. And then let her deal with him, because ew! I really, really want to believe that he was just repeating stuff he’d heard and didn’t much understand, but I kinda think stuff like this is What’s Wrong With Society Today. That and Fast Franks hot dogs.
4. Christine | October 10th, 2006 at 5:26 am
Man, you should so get the 10 year old in trouble. And the girls? Yeah, they are too much. My now 7 year old goddaughter asked me about her birthday gift which I mail, and asked, “Are you getting me a toy? Or just paper? [ahem, my usual check] Or how ’bout you get me a credit card.” CREDIT CARD. I told her I would send her a gift card. God. Spoiled.
She would have went with the check, it would have been there already.
5. Lawyerish | October 10th, 2006 at 6:08 am
Am I hopelessly old-fashioned to have assumed that 10-year old boys still thought girls were gross? That’s how they were when I was in the fifth grade. Some things *should* never change.
Also: fleenies? That is AWESOME.
6. Beth | October 10th, 2006 at 6:12 am
Wow. Where do I start?
Elbow herp: I once had a roommate who very sincerely told me she didn’t get zits. Rather, she got “sun bumps.” Like the one on her nose. Which I was (not very) sorry to tell her was a zit.
Herp: I used to work for an animal magazine company (which publishes a gazillion titles). The reptile category was called “herp.” ‘Nuff said.
Fleenies: Seriously? Where does this come from? It’s so darned cute! Is it okay if I start saying it? ;^)
Foul-mouthed ten-year-old kids: That kid is way over the line. One of the pleasures of being an adult is being able to scold neighborhood children or threaten to tell on them (or to call salesgirls “honey,” but I think you have to be about forty to do this successfully). Of course, being a mom means you have this power times one hundred. Just one more good reason to have kids. ;^) In fact, a mom friend of mine is legendary for once having sent some strange children HOME from a playground because they were swearing. *
* (This level of it-takes-a-village-ness should be attained gradually and not be attempted by amateurs.)
7. jonniker | October 10th, 2006 at 6:57 am
Kristin: It’s an admirable slogan.
Yez: I KNOW. The boy. THE BOY. Lexi, though, is the funniest kid on the block. She’s so sassy for an 8 year-old.
OP: Origin of fleenies to be found here (I completely made it up with a very specific purpose in mind):
http://www.jonniker.com/?p=133
Christine: I want to, in theory, but I know I won’t. I just can’t picture myself repeating it to his mother.
Lawyerish: My nephew is 10. MY NEPHEW. If he’s yelling about another woman’s hooters, what then? Oh my God.
Beth: *I* don’t know where to start! Sun bumps! HA! HERP AS REPTILE MAGAZINE. Why? Just why?
8. Jen | October 10th, 2006 at 8:19 am
OMG, you have the cold sore spreading paranoia, too? I get one about twice a year, and every time, I inadvertently touch my eye and think I’m going to wake up the next morning with crusty herpes of the eye. Or better yet, that I’ll accidently touch something else, and end up with herpes of the you-know. And that’s just scary. I have the same paranoia about getting pregnant from a toilet seat. Yeah, I know. Nuts. Especially since I’m on the BC, and what toilet seats am I sitting on that are covered in you-know? Gah.
9. Stinkypaw | October 10th, 2006 at 8:28 am
You are soooo spreading it! I woke up this morning with one on my upper lip! Thanks a lot!!!
I don’t think I was like kids today when I was 10 (even if it seems like that was ages ago… uh… actually it was !) , and girls tend to notice more the jewellery than any adult… kids today… I tell ‘ya!
BTW, I’m tagging you to do a little meme: name nine things about yourself, weird or otherwise, not mentioned yet on your blog, and tag six more to do the same.
10. Jamie | October 10th, 2006 at 8:45 am
I’m still in a state of disbelief about how a 10-year old used the phrase, “Hey, sweetheart.” Perhaps the heart of a 54-year old, pot-bellied construction worker beats inside of him.
11. -R- | October 10th, 2006 at 9:03 am
Julie Andrews did not have The Herp!
One time a kid asked me if H was my dad. H is only one year older than me. And also, EWWWW. I think I prefer the kid’s question to the song and dance about hooters though.
12. GG | October 10th, 2006 at 9:39 am
Honker? I have never heard this used to refer to the male genitalia before, and perhaps that’s why I find it so hilarious. Ha.
13. Jen W. | October 10th, 2006 at 10:34 am
My favorite term was “man-junk.”
14. Leah | October 10th, 2006 at 12:15 pm
One thing I have learned from my boyfriend is “once a perv, always a perv.” Apparently boys start looking at whatever porn they can get their hands on (or “Our Bodies, Our Selves”) as soon as they can. Ten is probably average. And all your male friends? Totally think about you naked while THEY’RE naked. I KNOW!
15. sweetney | October 10th, 2006 at 12:21 pm
umm, you just made me think of Bowser for the first time since the 80s. YOU WIN.
16. Claire | October 10th, 2006 at 12:23 pm
YAY!! Fleeenies!!! So cute.
Ew, about the 10 year old. I remember this stuff happening when we hit 11 and 12 – the boys would walk around the classroom with wooden rulers in their hands.. you know. over their honkers… and be all “ur…i have a penis”.
Boys are dumb and gross.
But at 10? No, i dont’ think so. I guess they really are growing up fast.
God that reminds me of Brian S. from my 7th grade shop class. He was such a creep.
17. TwoBusy | October 10th, 2006 at 12:24 pm
I’m sure Mr. Tennant appreciates your (herp-enriched) moans of ecstasy.
18. Her Bad Mother | October 10th, 2006 at 3:38 pm
Bowser? For serious?
‘Kay, well, I had a crush on Gopher from Love Boat, so I can’t talk, but still. Bowser?
19. Zoot | November 9th, 2006 at 7:48 am
I may be naive, but I think that kid is uniquely brazen as my 11-year-old son would rather die of emarassment than say such a thing to a woman.
I hope I’m not being naive. I hope he’s not screaming such lines at my neighbors when I’m not around.
20. Ashley | December 5th, 2006 at 1:41 pm
You know what sucks? Getting cold sores in your nose which happens to me never but I am afraid they will strike at any moment.
21. Naked Girls and Women&hellip | August 23rd, 2007 at 12:54 pm
Naked Girls and Women
Sorry, it just sounds like a crazy idea for me
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