Promises in the Dark
October 23rd, 2006
I make a lot of small promises to myself as life goes on. I’d say 90% of them are completely broken – things like, “Oh dude, I will TOTALLY get up early tomorrow and then I will work out! Yes! I promise! EAT THE KUGEL NOW!” And then of course I don’t, but I have already eaten the kugel, and now, actually, I am wearing the kugel in the form of two saddlebags and maybe a paunch. But whatever.
One of the biggest categories of promises I make to myself involve what kind of parent I’ll be – or rather, what kind of person I’ll be as a parent (Navel-gaze much?). And while I have plenty to throw into the “Oh my God, my parents fucked that up and I’ll never do that” category, for the most part I had an awesome childhood with great parents who, by and large, did everything right. And I’m not fool enough to think that I won’t make dumb mistakes and also just plunk the goddamn kid in front of the television so that I can take a shower RIGHT FUCKING NOW OR DIE. (Because those people annoy me too. I’m not a mom and they annoy even me. I’m not sure how actual mothers deal with it. “No television until they’re 17!! Stunts their development, you know! Down with Baby Einstein!” Ugh. I’ll stunt your development, sister, with a Reef in your frontal lobe.)
God, where am I going with this? Ah, invalidation. That’s right. I promise myself to do my best not to invalidate the life or struggles of someone who is childless, just because they do not now, or choose not to ever, have a child. I can kind of feel parents rolling their eyes in my general direction already, but dude, I don’t ever want to lose this perspective, so bear with me. And let me just announce right here and now that you’re probably right, and I will eat these words.
But invalidation is a pretty shitty thing, and it happens every day, in all kinds of categories, from all kinds of people. But for some reason, in my admittedly subjective and also non-scientific sample group, parents tend to unintentionally do this to those who don’t have kids quite often. It’s in the small kinds of things – small truths, small feelings, small terrors – that accidentally invalidate people with different lives. Like our lives up until this point have been completely meaningless, and all of our challenges will be laughable in the not-so-distant future. So just forget what ever’s bothering you and go have a vodka martini BECAUSE YOU CAN (or wine in a box. Whatever.)
I’m not saying y’all aren’t right, and I am by no means trying, in a horrible twist of semantics, to invalidate the challenges of parents – no, not at all, for I can see that it is, indeed, the ultimate challenge – but it is a little bit frustrating to hear, repeatedly, that your life will change so much that you will laugh – laugh! – at how obnoxious, self-absorbed, inappropriately stressed you are compared to what you will be because, after all, that’s nothing. It’s not that it’s not true, it’s that, like many invalidating things, it’s unfair to the person who doesn’t know anything differently than their own barometer built from personal experience. They don’t know that perhaps in a year this really will be nothing, so to them, it’s totally something, and that’s all that matters.
I went to college with a girl who spent the vast majority of her time telling the rest of us that we didn’t know how easy we had it. And in retrospect, compared to her, we did have it easy. Her mother was an abusive alcoholic, and she spent the majority of her college years stripping (yes, stripping) in a nearby town to pay for her tuition, because she saw that as her only way. And while I was in full agreement that her life was, indeed, more of a daily grind than my own, I didn’t really dig on hearing about it everytime I mentioned I had a zit or had cramps, like I had no right to have any sort of discomfort because I didn’t strip, and my mother wasn’t an alcoholic. I still had cramps, and lo, they were annoying. Maybe not abusive alcoholic mother annoying, but still a part of every day frustrations. And yet we were subjected to repeated admonishments of “Oh, you think that’s bad? I have a zit and cramps and I have a shitty mother who drinks, you ungrateful sod! Take that!” And take it, we did. (Please, I’m not intentionally making light of her situation, for it was truly awful.)
Now, I’m not saying that you’re all not right. I promise, I believe you. It’s just that, as a friend recently put it, I’m not sure that being child-absorbed is that much better than being self-absorbed. It’s just different, albeit in a massively life-changing, visceral way that I have long accepted that I cannot fully imagine. And while it’s more altruistic in the sense that it’s caring for another person, it’s a choice you made, an extension of yourself that satisfies some part of you. There are many selfish aspects of being a parent, just like there are many selfish aspects of the rest of our lives – even the hard stuff – of that I am sure. And there is unselfish love and adoration, and lists and lists of things that I, or anyone else who doesn’t have a child, cannot imagine. But nothing makes me want to stab my eyes out more than when I hear that people who don’t have kids don’t know what love actualy is, however hyperbolic (full of hyperbole? It’s not a word, is it? Dear God.) the intentions. This burns me because that’s so unfair to those who make different life choices, especially those who choose to never have children, because lo, those barren fools will never know love! And while maybe – no, definitely- parent/child love is infinitely more fierce, because of so many other things that are impossible to explain or quantify, it’s no less valid.
And you know what’s funny? Someone told me that it doesn’t end even when you have kids. Someone with kids who are older than yours is always ready with, “You think you have it tough now, just you wait! It gets worse!” and “Oh please. You have it easy. Talk to me when she’s 12.” And the cycle of invalidation continues. How crappy of us.
So I guess I’m trying to promise myself right now that when I do have children, I will do my best – my very best – not to invalidate the lives of people who made different choices than I did, or who just happen to be in a different place. Even if I see some sort of holy light that transforms the way I view the world, and I see childless people as a lower life form who lack proper perspective, I’m going to try very hard to remember that. In fact, I’m going to try to start now, actually, and accept that everyone’s experiences stand alone, and can only be framed in light of their own bag of life’s tokens, no matter what the circumstances.
I’m making this sound like a much bigger deal than it is. It’s not that it keeps me up at night, or I’m deeply offended on a regular basis – I’m not. And I’m so not at all saying I know what it’s like to be a parent, not at all. And when I join the ranks, fully expect it to blow me away, and God, I will probably laugh that I ever wrote this, but I think I’m going to try not to.
*Pat Benatar. Second appearance.
Entry Filed under: Nuttin'
23 Comments Add your own
1. Linda | October 24th, 2006 at 4:39 am
I actually think about this a fair amount; it used to bother me a lot when people talked about how becoming parents was the Best Thing That Ever Happened and how their life had So Much More Meaning now. I felt like that really devalued the life of someone, like me, who didn’t have kids. Like I was doomed to never know true happiness or whatever.
So it’s weird to find myself thinking the very things I hated hearing, now that I am a parent, and I try to make sure that if I talk about those changes/feelings I am clear I’m only talking about myself, that I’m not comparing my lifestyle to anyone else’s. I don’t know if I’m always successful, but I sure hope I never sound like someone who thinks their choices are more valid or have more meaning.
In summary: woooooord.
2. Bunny | October 24th, 2006 at 4:58 am
Your post was very thoughtful. I find myself as a mother of young children thinking, “This is hard! This is noble! You don’t know how good you have it!” I think I say those things to myself to hide the fact that I don’t think I’m doing a very good job. When I am insecure, I think, “But it’s so hard, I have it so rough.” And, you know, I have found myself commenting about others, “oh, you could tell they don’t have kids.” Like it’s a bad thing. It just means that I was probably jealous of the fact that they wanted my children to be quiet so they could go back to enjoying thier cup of coffee, library book selection, shopping, etc.
I do think that being a parent has completely changed who I am and it’s hard not to think of the world as with or without children because that is how my life has been divided.
I like the way you put it: invalidation. You hit the nail on the head.
3. Lawyerish | October 24th, 2006 at 6:24 am
This is so great, I wish I had written it. Amen, sista.
Imagine how painful it would be to hear “you never know what love really is” from a parent if you were infertile. I think about stuff like that because it has happened to people I love, and I makes me want to go around putting notes in people’s pockets that say, “THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK.”
It’s amazing the small (and not-so-small) ways we all judge each other, and as loony as it sounds, I think the blogosphere is helping at least those of us who are a part of it to remember to tone that down, to realize that everyone out there has a story, and it’s no better or worse than our own.
4. winterwheat | October 24th, 2006 at 7:20 am
You put that SO well. I couldn’t agree more. It used to piss me off when I’d hear people with kids complain about how hard it was, because they made that choice. It’s not like AIDS or life after a hurricane.
Now that I’ve got one I understand better where they’re coming from. It’s not, “Oh, YOU’VE got it so easy,” (although for some people that probably IS the intended meaning, and those are people you should talk with very infrequently), it’s more like, “DUDE, I had NO IDEA how much this would KICK MY ASS.” I walk around shellshocked by the whole thing because I truly had NO IDEA, and honestly, having had an idea wouldn’t have prepared me much better, because every mother-child dyad is unique given the uniqueness of the two human beings who comprise it. When I hear people with kids lamenting how tired they are, I no longer hear “I’m a grown-up now with REAL problems, you immature adolescent,” I hear “Oh my god, I feel like a loser, WHY can’t I get this RIGHT, could somebody please appreciate how much this is KICKING MY ASS?” Which makes me feel better because I feel the same way.
As for the love thing, it’s absurd to imply that people without kids don’t know what love is. Remember the fierce love you felt for your mom and dad when you were very little? The stab-you-in-the-stomach pain associated with the thought that something bad could happen to them? It’s just more of the same.
5. nita | October 24th, 2006 at 9:12 am
This is actually my first time reading your blog and I was surprised and delighted by your funny and honest post. I agree with you on so many points. This is only the second time I have ever commented (ever)!, so please bear with me…
Before I had kids, I thought through every reason why I should have them and came up with NOT ONE altruistic reason.
The earth certainly needs no more humans, and I am not some irreplaceable genius who needs my genes immortalized, so…all the reasons came down to selfishness of one sort or another. The list is long: need of a family/community, don’t want to be alone when I am old, want to know what it is like to care/love someone other than myself, etc.
But, the bottom line is that all of these choices (if it is a choice and not a surprise) are made by each person, and they are, originally, selfish by definition, but not a lot of people want to actually own up to that.
Because if they did, then they sort of have to justify the rest of their lives as parents. I suspect that this may be the basis of many insecurities your other posters mentioned. Even though the outcome of parenting can be totally amazing , it can also be frightening. The thing of it is, we may choose to be parents, but we cannot control, in any way, the outcome.
I feel I am a very average woman who chose to have children and have gone through many of the cliched phases of parenthood, so I am guilty of many of the “stages” : .shock, joy & awe, followed by overwhelmed-ness (is that a word?), followed by exhaustion, tedium and moments of grace, then the realization that, OH MY GOD this is a lifetime commitment…
All of my experiences parenting were new to me, I had no point of reference. All the familiar landmarks were gone.
The experience is brand new to each person, how can they know until they go through it, what it is, exactly? And how can they judge someone else who doesn’t even know what it is yet?
You said so well yourself,:
“it’s that it’s unfair to the person who doesn’t know anything differently than their own barometer built from personal experience”
I think the problem might be that even though someone has gone through the “miracle of birth” and is now a parent, that does not mean that they won’t still be an annoying, judgemental and unhappy person. They just happen to be a parent now and they may use their new “position” as a sort of moral grenade, ready to go off on those “lower life forms” (as you put it) and divert attention from the from the fact that they really DON’T know what the hell they are doing.
None of us do.
But it is so sad that they feel the need to invalidate those that have not made the same choices.
Thanks for letting me rant. Whew! I think I need a shower now.
Great and thoughtful post. The world needs more people like you.
6. Beth | October 24th, 2006 at 9:31 am
SO holding you to this promise. HOLDING YOU TO THIS PROMISE. If I hear one more new parent tell me they “didn’t know what love was until Junior,” I will…do something drastic.
7. Heather B. | October 24th, 2006 at 10:20 am
Dear Jonniker,
How did you get so freaking awesome?
Love,
HB
8. Moose | October 24th, 2006 at 11:23 am
I don’t even need other people with actual children to feel invalidated. Because why depend on others to make my life miserable when I can do it so much more efficiently all by myself? Just today: “I’m tired. So tired…. Oh yeah? Well, wait until you have kids! THINK OF HOW TIRED YOU’LL BE THEN!”
9. Leah | October 24th, 2006 at 2:04 pm
A-fucking-men, sister. (Apparently you bring out the foul-mouthed, religious black woman in me.)
10. Danell | October 24th, 2006 at 4:06 pm
First of all, I think that if you are the kind of person who can think this way (this thoughtful and articulate way) and realize this sort of thing before you have kids, that you won’t suddenly become blind to these things after you have kids.
Secondly, (and I may be the only person on earth this has happened to) I heard SO MANY HORROR stories of the “just wait until you have kids if you think you have it bad now” variety that since it happened last year, I have been a tiny bit UNDER whelmed at many aspects of it. There are many examples of things that I just wouldn’t describe the way some people do. So many of the things I have felt are much more…subtle, for lack of a better word. Perhaps (and obviously it is) for some people the birthday of their kid is like a giant explosion of love and changes and instantly life is up-side down for them. But for me, it was much more gradual. A slow shifting of things over the past year. Slow enough that I have tried to stay aware of the other folks around me who did NOT just have a kid. Their lives are the same as before, the same things that were important to them before the birth of MY kid are the things that are important to them now. And I still like them and they still like me (I hope).
Um, excuse me for just rambling on fairly incoherently in your comments section! Sorry. Heh.
11. Carolyn J. | October 24th, 2006 at 4:07 pm
You sure are right! And so is Lawyerish, people really should think before they speak.
The feeling of invalidation is summed up well when you meet someone, they ask you if you have kids, and you say no.
There’s a pause, then they scrunch up their faces and say, “NO kids?” As if to say, you’re joking, right?
And it IS a dirty little secret that people are not doing the world a favour when they have children.
12. jonniker | October 24th, 2006 at 4:15 pm
Linda : You are never this way, even when you write about Riley. In fact, I always get the sense that your past seems a little more worthy because of Riley, not less. Like all of those annoyances and things add up to have made you a better person, and a better mom. And you don’t belittle.
Bunny: Oh thank you. But also let it be known that I think you *do* have it rough.
Lawyerish: Yes, yes! I thought about the infertility portion, but didn’t go there, but you are so right. Imagine how invalidated you’d feel if you couldn’t? Imagine how BROKEN? Good god.
Winterwheat: Same as the comment to Linda above. In fact, both of you have always been the kind of people I want to be as a parent: normal, understanding and not at all condescending.
Nita: I actually forwarded your comment to a friend (sans personal information) and said, “It’s going to take a lot for me not to hunt this woman down and make out with her.” Because your comment was one of the best I’ve ever received. Thank you. You honestly defined what so few people have the courage to admit. Awesome.
Beth: Hold me to it. God help me if I ever get up in you and exclaim that you could not POSSIBLY love The Girl or The Dog or The Boy. Oh my God, that makes it sound like you have some twisted situation going on. I mean CAT instead of Boy. Sheesh.
HB: I responded to you privately, but you have no business being so nice to me all the time, as I have done nothing to deserve such kindness.
Moose: I do this all the time! “WHAT ABOUT THE BABY? WHAT THEN?” HA.
Leah: It suits you.
Danell: I get what your saying, and I love it. A friend and I were just saying that we might be pleasantly surprised (um, maybe?) at having kids, because the way some people talk, I am fully expecting a mountain of death and destruction at my doorstep the moment I give birth with NO JOY WHATSOEVER.
Carolyn: I love the “doing the world a favor.” Heh. Although I do think there is something to be said when good, kind people procreate. I don’t know, it makes me feel a little bit better about the world, like maybe the chances of adding a few more good people to the world are a little higher. But I don’t elevate it to the level that the world NEEDS THOSE CHILDREN OR IT WILL EXPLODE, you know?
13. Neil | October 24th, 2006 at 5:17 pm
From what I hear, having is kids is supposed to be the most amazing thing in your life. I hear parents talking all the time about how they didn’t find themselves until they were parents. If this is all true, it should be the childless people who should be lecturing the parents about how hard it is to find themselves and be productive without the “crutch” of children. And if someone is happy, loving, and mature without having kids, parents should look up to that person with awe, not disdain. Each lifestyle has its own set of joys and downers.
14. dissed | October 24th, 2006 at 6:35 pm
Yep. And the kid IS kicking my ass.
15. Meg | October 24th, 2006 at 7:39 pm
Kick it, girl. I love this. I can’t have babies because my body says I can’t, but when I get to take care of someone else’s for the rest of their sweet little life, I will hold this in my heart and never hurt anyone the way they’ve hurt me with words like those.
I don’t choose to be single or childless. This chooses me, by biology and circumstance. And paying attention to the life I have now and living it fully does NOT make me self-absorbed. It means I’m living my life to the fullest.
16. Schnozz | October 25th, 2006 at 5:18 am
HOORAY! The Promise! I am so holding you to The Promise. Which deserves its capital letters, dammit.
17. Sandy | October 25th, 2006 at 10:01 am
You have no Idea how much this hits home. My family is very conservative (all of my female relatives were married by 18, except for my sister, who got married at 22) and I’m constantly hearing how I don’t really “get” what life is all about, and I’ll understand once I get married and start having babies like Jesus intended.
It is invalidating and frustrating to be so subversively put down. It’s nice to hear that SOMEONE out there gets that just because I’m 25 and haven’t had a baby yet, it doesn’t mean that my life is meaningless.
18. Sadie | October 27th, 2006 at 6:31 am
Oh, what a fabulous post, Jonniker. I so relate. And frankly, if I only went with everything I read on parenting blogs, I would never have kids, because yeah, “mountain of death and destruction” is right! I mean, perhaps I am showing some of that childless naivete here, but some mothers make parenting sound like such a joyless, exhausting burden, and it makes me feel kind of bad for their kids.
19. no name slob | November 1st, 2006 at 1:21 pm
So well considered, and very well written, too. I’ve chosen not to marry and also not to have children (ever), and I’ve been lucky not to get too much pressure (or worse) from my family and friends about these choices. But I know that with a more conservative or simply a different circle of people around me, it could be much worse. And I certainly have felt a rather vague yet very powerful sense of general disapproval and–as you say–invalidation from the world at large. These choices clearly render me (and those others of us who make them) less of an adult, less of a person, and certainly less of a woman to many. I’ve been to wedding showers at which women I’d never before met asked me about marriage, heard I didn’t care much for it, and crumpled their faces up and essentially refused to speak to me. This kind of response not only hurts me and angers me–it kind of scares the shit out of me. How is it so hard to accept these choices that don’t hurt anyone?
What a relief it’s been that my close friends who have children have thus far (and as far as I can tell) adhered to the promise you’ve made to yourself. It’s a wise and kind promise, and one that’s about simple respect as much as anything else.
By the way, I’m a new but avid reader. I’m also apparently a really long-winded first-time commenter. Sorry. Anyhow, fabulous stuff.
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