Fishin’ 4 Religion
October 24th, 2006
I feel fairly certain I’ve mentioned this before, but I have a special affinity for All Things Jewish. My last four boyfriends have been Jewish. I never really thought this was significant until I was almost relieved that I married a Jewish guy – it’s not that I married him because he was Jewish, but it happened to be a nice little side bonus. I like Jewish guys, Jewish people, Jewish culture, and I have no real tangible reason other than I have a strange sort of interest and attachment to the whole shebang. What’s completely bizarre is that I grew up in a town that had all of two Jewish people in it, and they were teachers that I didn’t particularly like. One of them was affectionately known as Slutty Whore Wilson, as she had a tendency to whore it up on school trips by giving random men the Eye of Lust and Also, Mad Sex. But that had nothing to do with being Jewish or not, but is indeed a random, pointless observation.
I think it all kicked off junior year when I was in our Very Serious high school production of Fiddler on the Roof. I was, if you were wondering, Fruma Sarah, a role that allowed me to run around, throw my hands up in the air and scream a whole lot. (“Pearls!” “Pearls!” “PEARLS!”) Because my knowledge of Judaism and conveniently, the Holocaust, was limited to vague references on television and by slutty teachers (my school didn’t mention it once, which is great, just great), I finally researched the hell out of the religion, and fell madly in love – not so much with the religion as with the concept of the culture, although I appreciate both. Then, of course, I went to college at a school that is somewhere in the range of 40% Jewish, and I started falling in love with Jewish guys, too, through sheer happenstance and some degree of statistical probablity.
And somewhere along the line, I have become strangely disappointed that I wasn’t born Jewish. The one blemish in my all-Jewish ex-boyfriend lineup was an ill-advised relationship with a blond Irish Catholic, and the second I realized what I was missing, I knew it just wouldn’t work out (I mean, not really. Or maybe. I actually met Adam while I was dating this man and within five seconds, knew I was going to marry him, broke up with the blond Irish Catholic and we’ve been together ever since.)
My unexplainable penchant for Jewish guys wasn’t without penalty – at least two boyfriends’ families did not want their precious boys dating a shiksa, and made their protests known plainly, loudly and at times, very rudely. While I have few regrets in life, one of them is not standing up for myself when an ex-boyfriend’s grandmother dressed me down in public for no other reason than she didn’t like me dating her grandson because I wasn’t Jewish. This woman who also refused to allow me into her home on a Jewish holiday (“Go find your own damn holidays and leave us alone!” Awesome). Instead of saying something to her (What the hell could I say? She was 85!), I stayed at his parents’ house in silence alone, while they all enjoyed a lovely celebration at her house a few miles away (I was visiting. VISITING. FROM ANOTHER STATE. And not allowed to go.). I’m still mad at myself for that one.
Another time, I walked in on another boyfriend’s sister telling her mother that she wouldn’t stand for her brother to continue to date a “classless goy” like me. And this was before the boxed Target wine, I swear. And actually, I’m pretty sure that sister just hated me (the feeling was mutual), and she knew that the only way to hate on me without looking like an ass was to pick on my religion. Anyway, all of those incidents (and there were more), always bothered me – still do when I think about it – because while I understand the desire to maintain the culture, and that in Judaism, the religion is passed down from the mother, it really hurt my feelings. I mean, my boyfriends didn’t care – hell, I knew more about Judaism than half of them, and most of them didn’t seem to have any desire to continue practicing. So, when they married a Jewish girl, they’d be ignoring Judaism more perhaps than they would if they married me, but with the proper pedigree intact. Not that I was marrying them, I’m just making a point. Feh. It just seemed like a low, manipulative blow, especially when delivered so coldly, even though there are likely many who will disgree with me.
Anyway, fast forward to today, and I did, indeed, marry a Jewish guy, and I now have a Jewish last name. However, despite my best efforts to assimilate, at almost every event where it comes up, I am instantly called out, “Well, Ms. X- I can tell you’re not Jewish! Who are you married to?” And I’m always disappointed, I don’t know why. Like I’ve failed again at not being Jewish enough, even though I’m not, and it’s not that important, and there is no way I could actually be Jewish. When we dropped the dog off at the dog sitter, she made it clear that she was Jewish, and was in part attracted to us because we were “Jews from Boston, omigod!” And then she took one look at me and said, “But you’re clearly not Jewish. However, you are! I knew it right away!” She squealed at my husband, rubbed his cheeks and I was jealous. I wanted Jewish cheek rubs.
Incidentally, I have never formally converted to Judaism, and have no intention to do so right now, lest I mislead you. My affection is mostly cultural, though I have an appreciation for the religion on many levels, and maybe that’s why Jewish grandmothers hated me so, and maybe rightly so. Our religious details aren’t really up for discussion at the moment, however, I would like to add that Adam’s family has been nothing but welcoming to me from the beginning, and there are some members of his family that I love so much I wish they were mine.
Anyway, this is a really long way of saying of all the things I love about the Jewish culture – and they are a legion – as with all things, food is my favorite. Knishes, stuffed cabbage, brisket, kasha varnishkas, gefilte fish – everything but matzo ball soup, in fact, and I don’t care who you are, eating sawdust gathered together in a giant ball is gross, just gross (I’m going to get stoned for that.) And while I’ve always wanted to learn how to make Jewish food, there was that little problem of not being able to cook standing in my kosher pickled way. Until now. Behold the kugel, made with my loving little mitts in anticipation of Thanksgiving:
It’s a bad photo, because my photography matches my cooking skills.
There are six eggs, two sticks of butter, a pound of sour cream, a pound of full-fat cottage cheese and more sugar than you want to know about in that heavy little noodle pudding. But , it’s delicious, and I DID IT, OH MY SWEET GOD. And if I don’t throw it away tomorrow, I am going to wake up in the middle of the night and rub my face in it, and maybe stuff some in my bra for later because if I didn’t mention it, it’s that good. And I will gladly hand down the recipe to anyone who wants to die an early Death By Cheesy Buttery Sweet Noodle, because it would be an honorable death, oh yes it would.
*Arrested Development. I love them. Don’t make fun.
Entry Filed under: Nuttin'
26 Comments Add your own
1. Orange Peacock | October 24th, 2006 at 9:38 pm
It looks delicious, but I can feel my arteries closing down just READING about it.
2. Schnozz | October 25th, 2006 at 5:12 am
Well done on the cooking!
Perhaps we should trade faces. People ALWAYS ALWAYS think I’m Jewish. (Admittedly, part of it is the SchnozzFest name, but even those unaware of my blog ask me when I’m going to temple next.)
3. Jen W. | October 25th, 2006 at 6:02 am
Congrats on the big kugely success!
4. aly | October 25th, 2006 at 6:11 am
oh sweet lord of whatever religion i need me some kugel. please give me the recipe. you tell me “2 sticks of butter, A POUND OF SOUR CREAM” and think i dont need this?!
my thighs are already quivering in anticipation.
damn, woman. i be impressed.
5. Kristine | October 25th, 2006 at 7:08 am
I love kugel. We make it every Thanksgiving. It’s one of my favorite foods but I only have it around the holidays.
6. -R- | October 25th, 2006 at 7:16 am
Send me the recipe please! I heart dairy and noodles, and I don’t know why you said that was a bad picture because that kugel looks SO GOOD!
Did your (ex-)boyfriend actually go celebrate the holiday at this grandmother’s house and leave you home (well, at this family’s home) alone?!
7. guinness girl | October 25th, 2006 at 7:25 am
I’m TOTALLY a wannabe Jew, too! Too bad I married a Catholic. Mmm, kugel looks yummy – recipe, please?
8. meredith | October 25th, 2006 at 7:35 am
Oy, I love me some Jewish boys! As a late teen my best friend converted. I think I loved how welcomed I felt at the services and that it was more family oriented than ‘jesus on the cross’ like christianity.
I was told by an older Jewish woman in my office “Marry a Jewish man, they treat their wives like queens”. Still trying to find one!
Of course it conflicts with my other fetish…hot Irish boys….
9. Lawyerish | October 25th, 2006 at 8:00 am
Now I offically do not believe that you can’t cook. Look at that kugel!
I am in SHOCK, utter shock, over your ex’s relatives. And he LEFT YOU THERE while he went off and celebrated? Alone??? WTF?
The one thing that bothers me (not, like, a lot — and I totally understand where it comes from, so no one shoot me or anything) is that, technically, our marriages (that’s yours and mine, both interfaith) are not recognized by Jewish law. It is basically a nullity to marry someone outside the faith. Whereas in the Episcopal church, at least, they’re just like, whatever! Come one, come all! Everyone’s welcome!
Similarly, it bothers me that I’m not supposed to take communion at a Catholic church. Like, hello? Why not? Am I going to set the wafer afire with my Protestant heresy?
10. Heather B. | October 25th, 2006 at 8:06 am
Dude, I totally want to be jewish. Which would make me some sort of quadruple minority hybrid type thing, but who cares. Bring on the gefilte!
(actually no, but I do enjoy a good Seder meal)
11. Suebob | October 25th, 2006 at 8:19 am
“And this was before the boxed Target wine, I swear.”
Hilarious.
Classless goys unite! That reminds me, I have to get ready for winter by digging out the pansies I have planted in an old tractor tire in the front yard. Right next to the toilet filled with ivy geraniums and the Bambi statue.
12. Beth | October 25th, 2006 at 8:32 am
I’ve never had kugel, but I now want to try it, based on your description. Darn you, you non-Jew! ;^)
13. Christin | October 25th, 2006 at 8:54 am
There’s still plenty of time for me to convert to become one of the chosen people…but in the meantime, I LOVE the food. Love, love, love.
And your kugel looks fantastic.
(also may I recommend you to http://www.smittenkitchen.com for a-freakin-mazing looking food photography and recipes. And just ohmygod, I wanted to lick the screen.)
14. Jamie | October 25th, 2006 at 9:53 am
“Kugel” is #7 on my List of Fun Things to Say, Just above “flibbertygibbet” and below “macaroni.”
15. Claire | October 25th, 2006 at 10:14 am
Oy.
In the past 2 1/2 years that i have been with my (ahem, Jewish) boyfriend, i have been called a goy, shiksa and gentile more times than i can count. Not only by his family, but by he, himself. “But i say it with love, honey!”
I’m lucky that his family doesn’t seem to care very much that i’m not jewish, but sometimes i wonder if thats because they already have two jewish grandchildren and figure if i produce any, it’s just a bonus. Bonus goyim children, that is.
I have so much to say about this, that probably isn’t appropriate in a public forum, so i’ll just keep my mouth shut.
Recipe, please?? Maybe my kugel will make them think i’m one of them…
16. Amity | October 25th, 2006 at 10:26 am
One of my saddest moments was when a Jewish boy I used to work with and love told me that he would never date me because I couldn’t make him matzo ball soup. (His way of saying, “No, I don’t date the shikshas.”) And my hertage is Jewish, all the way up to my maternal great-grandmother divorcing her 1st husband and marrying a gentile! I understand your affinity for all things Jewish, and also have found myself often attracted to the boys. Of course, the fact that I worked in a Jewish-owned restaurant for a number of years, where it seems the waitstaff was recruited from the synagogue did put me in constant close proximity.
17. TwoBusy | October 25th, 2006 at 11:57 am
The great irony is that even if you died by kugel… you still couldn’t be buried in a Jewish cemetary.
Unless, you know, they had a special “classless goy” wing.
18. -R- | October 25th, 2006 at 12:38 pm
Lawyerish, you don’t take communion at a Catholic church if you’re not Catholic because it’s a sacrament. You can compare it to how you wouldn’t get baptized (baptised?) at another church if you didn’t believe the same things the church teaches. Not the best example, but maybe that helps.
Plus, you do look like someone who would set fire to the communion wafer. (Joke!)
19. carol | October 25th, 2006 at 8:22 pm
I don’t know about kugel. is it a Thanksgiving dessert? Instead of pumpkin pie???
20. jes | October 25th, 2006 at 9:19 pm
Jonniker! It looks so tasty! And now I want some. Without going through the effort to cook it for myself.
Instead of throwing it away, will you box individual servings and mail them? That would be a SWEET package to have delivered!
21. Gentry | October 26th, 2006 at 1:56 am
Please send kugel recipe. And as a Real Live Jewess,® please accept my apologies on behalf of all the narrow-minded mean old Jews who were rude to you. I will curse them in Yiddish later tonight when I light my candels.
You forgot to mention the best part of Judiasm…no ban on masturbation.
22. aly | October 26th, 2006 at 6:16 am
omg, i laughed so hard at gentry’s comment.
so apparently not only do i want to live in florida (for the target boxed wine) but now want to be jewish. masturbation and kugels for EVERYONE!!!!
23. hollywoodgirl | October 26th, 2006 at 4:45 pm
Don’t be mad at yourself for not standing up to the 85 year old grandmother of your ex-boyfriend. You scared her.
Think of it as a pothole in the road to your current happiness. You might have married into that family, close one!
Target sells wine?
24. Neil | October 27th, 2006 at 10:00 pm
In my Jewish family, there is much argument about kugel, because depending on what part of Eastern Europe you came from, the kugel was made differently. Polish Jewish like their kugel sweet with a lot of raisins, while Hungarian Jews added extra cheese. It is a very serious subject and can be discussed for over an hour. That is more Jewish than the kugel itself.
25. dissed | October 28th, 2006 at 4:28 pm
What’s with this lust for Jewish men? I want a Georgia Jew NOW.
Not to mention the kugel.
26. Jen | April 5th, 2007 at 6:39 am
Just found your blog and lurrv it. I was reading through some old posts and found this one. As a Jew I am so disappointed and saddened to read about the treatment you’ve described receiving, from the ex’s bubbie to the Jewish dogsitter. My mom converted to Judaism when she married my dad and I’m always blown away when people debate about whether or not I ‘look’ Jewish. In most cases, how can you possibly tell??!!! And, the kugel? Oh my God. Looks. delicious.
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