Halloween
October 31st, 2006
Halloween disappointment: a brief photo essay.
Fresh from the factory, the candy hangs its hope on going home with the right child. Not just any child! Not one who will stuff its creamy sweetness without tasting it! And certainly not the strange-looking young man up the street wearing the hula skirt and shoveling in Charleston Chews like leaves in a bag, no! Charlie Bucket! It waits for Charlie Bucket, yes! Unfortunately, Charlie doesn’t come, leaving the candy with no one but J & A, who both hate Bottle Caps and loathe Charleston Chews, and who are now stuck with 11,000 pounds of them.
Boo! I said BOO! Christ, is anyone out there?
The pumpkin costume cries, its promise of being stuffed with chubby pug legs unfulfilled, as the pug in question screamed with the screams of a thousand shucked oysters at the very presence of the pumpkin.
To put it mildly, Halloween was a crushing disappointment, and I’d like to point out that historically, this is why the holiday has always let me down. Like New Year’s Eve, Halloween is always fraught with anticipation and wonder that cannot possibly be satisfied. And every year, I have been cautious in my preparations, choosing to remain cynical instead of overly hopeful, ensuring that my expectations were as low as humanly possible and therefore, I would always be pleasantly surprised with whatever happened! Yes!
But no. Alas, I was crushed. Crushed! I had such high hopes! Soaring expectations of unprecedented numbers of trick-or-treaters and adorable costumes and hijinks! Tricks! Treats! I decorated, for chrissake. Right now, there is a six-foot hanging witch dangling from my garage, and a giant pumpkin that says WELCOME! in big WELCOMING GODDAMN LETTERS. And a battery-powered ghost glitters from the window! A GHOST. (See above. Fancy, non?) And we haven’t even covered the jack-o-lantern, which is all…jack-o-lanterny and ominous in our office window, acting all ghoul-y and shit.
I went out to Walgreen’s at 5 o’clock tonight in a cold panic, because OH MY GOD we were going to run out of candy like last year and THEN WHAT? (Also, this trip included an ill-advised purchase of a Tweezerman blackhead extractor, and if you were ever wondering, it does not work. As in, you would have to have blackheads the size of quarters to actually get any extracting done. Use your fingers like everyone else.)
We got all excited. We ate dinner early. We sat in the driveway like everyone else, eagerly anticipating the mad rush of adorable trick-or-treaters and their cheerful parents. And then….
Silence. Silence…oh wait! I can hear the raging party across the street being held by adults in provocative costumes that include: a sexy ninja, a sexy pirate, a sexy witch and also, the obligatory sexy French maid. *yawn*
And more silence.
Sad.
And so, my most memorable Halloween remains Halloween 2004. The Red Sox had won the World Series, my best friend was throwing a party, and I was going to celebrate! With bourbon. Which accidentally turned into more than half a bottle of bourbon, to be specific, which left me so drunk I told one of our friends that his fiancee “terrified me to the very core,” fell down the stairs, and walked in on a very deep conversation between my husband and a strange guy just in time to hear him say, “No no, don’t be afraid. Marriage is great- really great. Except for times like these when she’s being a drunken pain in the ass, and I can’t stand to be around her, my God. But don’t let that scare you!”
This was after I told some kids that I later learned were high school students who crashed the party some very inappropriate things involving what sort of escapades (sexual and non) they should and should not be partaking in that I can’t even repeat. Oh and also, I was serving them alcohol with my own two hands. I did not realize this until several days later.
Later, apparently nearing an inability to stand – oh oh, and also, around 11 p.m., because I started early, like around 6 – I insisted that we depart IMMEDIATELY, and proceeded to bark drunken and entirely inaccurate directions to avoid a detour on the Mass Pike, getting us three kinds of lost and also, in a major argument, because while I was drunk and HAPPY to be lost with my head out the window like a Labrador, Adam was sober, and not pleased, not pleased at all to be circling the Prudential Center for the fiftieth time. Especially not with a screaming, drunk wife who was suddenly threatening to puke in the car. Also, a wife who started slurring repeatedly:
“Are you mad at me? I know where I’m going! TRUST ME. I LOVE YOU, HONEY.”
“No. I want to go home. Just relax. Where are we?”
“Oh my GOD, you’re mad at me. YOU. ARE. MAD. AT. ME. WELL, FUCK YOU THEN! FUCK YOU! I WON’T TELL YOU WHERE TO GO.”
I stewed for a moment.
” WAIT WAIT, NO I LOVE YOU. I’M SORRY. BUT FUCK YOU ANYWAY, BECAUSE YOU’RE MAD AT ME. I LOVE YOU. FUCK YOU.”
Drunken angry logic at its finest. We circled the Prudential Center 11 more times while I screamed more obscenities at him and, God bless him, he didn’t open the car door and throw me into Back Bay to freeze to death, which is more than I can say for myself if I were in that situation.
I threw up the entire next morning, and just when I thought it couldn’t get any more miserable, I heard Adam yelling from the bedroom, “I WOULD LIKE YOU TO KNOW THAT THE SOUND OF YOU PUKING IS MUSIC TO MY EARS. ENJOY!”
I had not been drunk like that since college. And I have not been drunk like that since. And sadly, that was my most memorable Halloween ever. I hope yours was better.
*Siouxsie and the Banshees, Dead Kennedys, Sonic Youth, Dave Matthews, and likely 100 more. You pick.
Entry Filed under: Nuttin'
28 Comments Add your own
1. Yez | October 31st, 2006 at 10:46 pm
I’ve never heard of people sitting in their driveways waiting for trick-or-treaters. Until today. You’re the second one! Is this another global trend of which I am unaware? I did NOT get the memo on this, or I would’ve fired back an indignant “reply all” refusing to comply. Ringing doorbells is an essential component of Halloween, dammit! Next we’ll be driving to the kids’ houses to deliver candy X-D
Also: the way to ensure that you get trick-or-treaters is to buy candy YOU love. You found this out the hard way :-J
2. Marmite Breath | October 31st, 2006 at 10:51 pm
I am jealous that it is warm enough to sit in the driveway. My kids went out in 32 degree weather tonight!
I’ve been that drunk too, Jonna, and I hope to never experience it again, as funny as it is at the time.
Aww, you mentioned Charlie Bucket and I got weepy. I must be about to start my period.
3. Meepers | October 31st, 2006 at 11:28 pm
Thank you again for making me laugh so hard I almost spat bubbly onto the monitor. Also: I volunteer to take your Bottlecaps, for yea verily, yea, we are Certified Sugar Freaks over here. They’re so strange and fizzy! As for the B part of your story….been there, baby, BEEN THERE. More than once, shamefully. Sans the serving/advising of the teens.
PPS. Have I told you that you are my husbands’ musical soul mate? Seriously…you guys are like…eerily alike in taste. You’d have loved his band.
4. jonniker | November 1st, 2006 at 5:15 am
Yez: I think it’s because it’s hot here, and the design of our houses leaves the doors really set back from the street. Safety, maybe? The doors are set so far back that someone could literally drag a kid in off of the street and no one would see/hear. I might add that it was also a bazillion degrees, and we sweat our faces off.
Also, we DID have candy we love, too! It didn’t work! We’re now stuck with a frillion pounds of THAT, too. Sigh.
(Also, Nat, that was the most miserable night ever. Morning after? SO MUCH WORSE.)
Meeps: I’ll have to mail you the damn Bottle Caps.
5. aly | November 1st, 2006 at 5:31 am
i’m still perplexed as to what exactly a sexy ninja is. aren’t you not supposed to realize they are there until they’re… i dont know… attacking you? how is that sexy? really?
and my favorite drunk moment was throwing up on my husband’s shoes. he was NOT PLEASED. he was also probably less pleased b/c earlier in that night i had decided to tell/show all of his friends (who i was meeting for the first time) that i WAS, indeed, the same bra size as a girl near me — and proceeded to swap bras with her to prove it. in the street.
it was a lovely evening. i think he would have preferred drunken directions (b/c frankly? i give directions like that sober).
ps. i think we need more pictures of sunny to get over the raging disappointment of no pumpkin costume for him.
6. TwoBusy | November 1st, 2006 at 6:19 am
Nothing says Hallowe’en fun like the soft glow of an electric penis in your window.
Oh, sorry… it’s a “ghost.”
Yeah, right.
7. Christine | November 1st, 2006 at 6:45 am
Halloween is consistently disappointing around these parts too. I live down an alley, and so no trick-or-treaters, or even an excuse to decorate.
BUT now that I have this post, it makes it all better. And I agree with TwoBusy…I wondered why you could be showing the glow in the dark vibrator.
And also? I think it’s hilarious that there is some poor mother who will wait forever for her nice single boy to get married due to the events of Halloween ’04.
8. jonniker | November 1st, 2006 at 6:58 am
Oh NO! it’s a ghost! It IS! IT IS!
Oh God. That would explain a lot. It’s about 2 feet tall. Does that help?
9. TwoBusy | November 1st, 2006 at 7:02 am
I’m sure most parents would look at your 2-foot tall glowing electric blue penis and say, “Hey kids — there’s a house we need to visit!”
10. Jen | November 1st, 2006 at 7:11 am
I just set my expectations low and then avoid the disappointment. This is why we went to dinner last night and then went to see “The Departed.” What a great movie.
11. Jen | November 1st, 2006 at 7:12 am
Oh, and my first thought was, also, immediately, glowing penis.
12. Lawyerish | November 1st, 2006 at 7:35 am
Totally looks like a glowing dildo.
Also: “No no, don’t be afraid. Marriage is great- really great. Except for times like these when she’s being a drunken pain in the ass, and I can’t stand to be around her, my God. But don’t let that scare you!”
Quote. Of. The. Decade.
13. jonniker | November 1st, 2006 at 7:40 am
ohmyGod. Well, does it help that it’s the back? And that it changes colors? And that the front has eyes? Not a single eye, but TWO EYES? NO?
14. Nancy | November 1st, 2006 at 8:09 am
LMAO at Adam’s remark about you puking! I just wanted to thank you…I was almost that drunk at my cousin’s wedding and I’m glad to know that I’m not the only person over 25 that’s done that to themselves.
You and Adam should divide the candy and take it to work.
15. -R- | November 1st, 2006 at 8:40 am
I didn’t get home until 8 last night, which means that H got to see all the cute trick-or-treaters, while the only two kids I saw were only about 9 and yet were just wearing regular clothes when they came to our house. I gave them candy anyway because the less we have left, the better.
Luckily, I am a happy drunk, and H says my drunken ramblings are cute. I have not yet imbibed half a bottle of bourbon in one night though. If you can survive that AND Florida, you can survive anything!
16. jonniker | November 1st, 2006 at 8:53 am
R: I am almost always a happy drunk, too! This is our only memory of me being otherwise, which also might be why I haven’t drunk bourbon since. I mean, my God. The yelling. It was terrible.
17. Jamie | November 1st, 2006 at 9:08 am
The eyes only make it look like a dildo that’s looking back at me. EYES WITHOUT A FACE…sing it with me, now.
I cannot believe you didn’t get any trick-or-treaters. None! Feel free to send some of the Bottle Caps my way.
18. jes | November 1st, 2006 at 10:00 am
OH. MY. GOODNESS.
Jonniker, do you know how much I want to love you and lick you right now? Lick you like a child given her first Tootsie Pop? HEAVENS. I can actually see your pictures. They’re aren’t blocked by big brother. I can see them!
GAH. It feels good to finally SEE what other people are talking about. I’m beginning to feel a bit visually impaired.
More than normal, I mean.
19. Erica | November 1st, 2006 at 10:33 am
All the Halloween stuff is great, but I am laser-focused on one particular item…the blackhead extractor. I just bought one of those goddamn things and it is a complete POS. Useless I say! I ended up with all these little red circles all over my nose! Are we using it wrong?
Thanks a lot Tweezerman, you assholes!
20. Heather B. | November 1st, 2006 at 11:50 am
giant glowing dildo, heh.
Sorry, I can’t stop thinking of that…
mmm bottlecaps.
21. Gentry | November 1st, 2006 at 12:21 pm
Please send pumpkin costume to Paris. Napoléon (has no shame) and loves getting dressed up.
22. Haley-O | November 1st, 2006 at 2:10 pm
I feel your disappointment — not because we didn’t have trick or treaters (we had too many!), not because the monkey didn’t wear a costume (we didn’t bother to buy one), but because I COULDN’T EAT ANY FREAKING CANDY….trying to lose this darn baby weight — so you can imagine why Halloween wasn’t the greatest this year….
23. claire | November 1st, 2006 at 3:02 pm
oh god. this whole thing is just ever so funny.
first of all, we have both bags of snickers that my bf bought for halloween. i had class last night until 10, so he was in charge of the beggars… sadly, he didn’t want to deal with the stupid dogs barking everytime the doorbell rang so he put a bowl out on the stoop with a “take one” sign on it. I don’t think anyone took anything. and bf has lost the meaning halloween. i am sad.
second of all, i had a very similar halloween as yours, tho mine was in 2003. but mine was loads of fun. and less angry. and i was only concious for about 3 hours of it. i was told i passed out at about 11:00 but was quite entertaining before then. i think i might post about that myself. maybe tomorrow…
Oh, yeah – i thought glowing blue penis, too. Sorry.
24. Yez | November 1st, 2006 at 3:12 pm
Okay, you’re right – I can see the logic in driveway hosting
I can also see Fluorescent Penis, though, and two eyes hardly matter when it’s TWO FEET TALL and glowing blue
25. Amy K | November 1st, 2006 at 9:15 pm
“Not a single eye, but TWO EYES?”
That just about killed me.
26. dissed | November 2nd, 2006 at 5:12 pm
I love the way you make me feel normal.
And yes, that is a giant blue penis.
27. Jonniker. » When Yo&hellip | October 1st, 2007 at 6:45 pm
[...] First of all, it’s October, and do you know what that means? The penis ghost is coming! The penis ghost is coming! Also, whatever, I’m totally finding a costume for Sunny, I don’t care who mocks us. She will wear something festive. SHE WILL. [...]
28. Suebob | October 3rd, 2007 at 7:25 am
The Red Sox won the world series? That’s not possible, is it?
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