In the Rough
November 5th, 2006
It’s finally occurred to me that it’s November and Christmas is coming. Or perhaps more pressingly, Thanksgiving is coming. I’m sure you all already knew that, with the weather where you are being normally cool/cold and all, but given that I took the dog out for a walk this morning for about three minutes and came back with beads of sweat on my upper lip, it’s not so obvious for us. My sister asked me about our Christmas plans Thursday, and I was just…confused, to say the least, because it’s AUGUST, and Christmas is not something you think about in the summertime, you crazy woman.
But sadly, heat or not, time marches forward, and in little more than two weeks, I have an entire mound of family descending on our little house for Thanksgiving, and a dining room that looks like this:
Clearly, we eat in front of the TV. And keep our pets in a strange sort of prison.
I’ve always wondered who the hell uses Rent-A-Center, because paying $200 a month for a dining room table, or worse, a flat-screen TV, makes about as much sense as wearing a black bra under a white wifebeater, because if you can afford $200 per month for a dining room table, you can afford to save and BUY the dining room table, so why, Rent-A-Center, why? But given that hopefully we’re moving someday soon, and even if that move is three blocks from here, I am not paying to move a dining room table that may or may not fit in my next dining room.
And so to avoid having to lay down towels for everyone to sit on the floor and eat on, we’re going to rent the world’s most hideous dining room table. It’s plastic, painted to “closely resemble” cherry, which is entirely my fault, because when the man asked me if I cared if it was made from wood, I earnestly replied, to Adam’s endless amusement, “Well, I don’t know. I do know that I would like it to be made out of something!” As opposed to nothing, or maybe that new-fangled invisible material that’s all the rage in dining room tables.
But apparently “something” does not equal “wood” and so a shiny plastic faux-cherry dining room set is making its way to our home next week, for the price of $200 (we have to pay for the whole month, even though we only need it for the day. Thanks RAC(ket)!.) Dress code for Thanksgiving is green polyester. Extra kugel for bellbottoms. Bring grape jelly pie.
Are you all asleep yet? Because this was my weekend, and let me tell you, it was riveting.
I’ve opted to cater Thanksgiving entirely (with the exception of kugel and autumn bruschetta), as opposed to even attempting to make anything at all and give us all foodborne illness, or worse, stuck desperately trying to find a restaurant that is open on Thanksgiving to save us all from the charred remains of what was supposed to be dinner.
By the way, nothing, absolutely nothing, is open on Thanksgiving, and that seems to include Burger King, and I know this from many years of experience. Even Chinese restaurants close on Thanksgiving, I suppose to thank Columbus for presenting them with yet another country to spread their astrological charts and love for pu pu platters, and if you forget even one thing, you’re hosed, just hosed right up the hoo-ha, and a sad frittata made from months-old eggs may be your only saving grace.
Incidentally, the final nail in the catering coffin was when Adam read this post, where I discuss my delusions of foodie grandeur and beg for help in crafting a delightful meal for our family (location of TwoBusy‘s autumn bruschetta recipe is in the comments). Within moments of him reading it, I was politely informed that the only delusion I was still harboring was “the one where I’m actually going to let you make any of it and risk killing off my entire family.”
Arrangements to cater were made shortly thereafter.
As for the rest of the weekend, when I was not agonizing over plastic rented tables, I was torturing myself by cleaning the house in the manner of an obsessed lunatic that included a horrible Joan Crawford moment where I worked myself into a hysterical Fantastik’d frenzy because I could not, just COULD NOT, get my dishwasher control panel and dial clean enough. (“Miss Jenkins said it was clean? Do YOU think it’s clean? CHRISTINA!”)
Finally, the weekend was not without fabulous movies, and this weekend’s choices included Two for the Road (one of Audrey Hepburn’s last before her quasi-retirement, and Albert Finney manages to be sexy, would you ever guess?), Suspicion (Cary Grant as villain! Joan Fontaine!) and Rebecca (Joan Fontaine again! Hitchcock again! Creepy lesbian pseudo-necrophiliac housekeeper!)
I hope y’all had great weekends. If you’ve made it this far, give yourself a cookie. I’ve had four.
*Anna Nalick.
Entry Filed under: Nuttin'
19 Comments Add your own
1. Suebob | November 5th, 2006 at 8:53 pm
Can you back out of the rent a center thing? Because a party rental center could probably rent you folding tables, linens and whatever else for far less. I have rented a dozen chairs for $1.00 each a day. The tables will be plastic, but you will cover them with the rented linens anyway…and you won’t have to wash them!! Yay. Get a chocolate fountain and a swan beverage dispenser while you are there. Go wild.
2. Heather B. | November 5th, 2006 at 8:54 pm
Oh good. Now I have a reason to have had that cookie. And by cookie, I mean donut holes. And by holes, plural, I mean that the girl at Dunkin Donuts gave me two extra donut holes for free.
I actually plan to cook something on Thanksgiving. A dish for my mom’s house and a dish for my dad’s. I’ve warned my brothers to be afraid. Be very, very afraid.
3. jonniker | November 5th, 2006 at 8:56 pm
Suebob, this is, apparently, why I have a blog. Because no, nope and did I say NO? That did NOT OCCUR TO US. MY GOD. We are not bright. NOT BRIGHT. Thank you. AND THANK GOD FOR YOU AND PARTY RENTALS.
(The Rent A Center, incidentally, is in the most terrifying part of town, my sweet Lord. I really don’t want to go back there.)
(Update: Adam fully supports the chocolate fountain and maybe the swan beverage dispenser.)
4. Christine | November 5th, 2006 at 9:12 pm
Pshaw Adam of little faith. I for one, fully believed in your ability to host a Thanksgiving shindig of epic proportions in which you cooked everything lovingly and knowingly from scratch. And blech. It will save you soooo much trouble, unlike my house where the boyfriend insists upon a full turky — not a chicken, not a giant turkey breast, or some other variety of fowl — even though it’s just the two of us. Should you feel like driving 20 hours, swing by, we’ll be eating turkey forever.
5. Jamie | November 5th, 2006 at 9:19 pm
Catering is an excellent idea.
From where will you be getting the cornucopia-shaped ice sculpture?
6. Amanda | November 5th, 2006 at 10:01 pm
I’ve had two (brownies (in the past 10 minutes)). I think you and I would get along famously!
7. Sadie | November 6th, 2006 at 7:24 am
I, too, was going to suggest renting a banquet table and folding chairs, because they really can’t be any more tacky than a faux-cherry plastic Rent-A-Center dinette set, and they will certainly be a hell of a lot cheaper. Plus you can rent linens.
I read the “Little Lies” post you linked to, about your culinary failings, and I want to point something out to you: Thanksgiving sides, as a whole, can be cooked for a really, really long time, rendering your food-borne-illness paranoia unnecessary. Also, since each year I singlehandedly prepare an entire, excessive Thanksgiving dinner for 8-10 guests, I can ASSURE you that there are several dishes that even a retarded person could make, which will taste good and not poison your guests. Therefore, I urge you, nay, CHALLENGE you, to make at least ONE side and one dessert in addition to your tasty autumnal appetizer. YOU CAN DO IT!
8. Lawyerish | November 6th, 2006 at 8:21 am
Dude, I am hosting Thanksgiving, too, and we also have no dining room table (nor a dining room…details), and I was all, “RENT-A-CENTER, YEAH!” and was going to google them hastily (because who DOESN’T want a plastic “cherry” table?), but now I see people’s party center rental idea, and that’s even better! Thanks, Internets!
9. Sadie | November 6th, 2006 at 8:32 am
Btw, Target has a 6-ft banquet folding table on sale this week for $29.99 – I once used one of these to seat seven people comfortably for a dinner. Plus it has many other uses afterwards – a gift-wrapping station, craft table, banquet table for buffets, etc.
http://www.target.com/gp/detail.html/sr=1-2/qid=1162827172/ref=sr_1_2/602-2511252-0498236?ie=UTF8&asin=B000BK3IBC
10. -R- | November 6th, 2006 at 9:37 am
I heart Suspicion!!!
Sadie, a gift wrapping station? You are way too organized for me.
11. jes | November 6th, 2006 at 10:05 am
Somehow I was under the impression you were going to be in NYC for the race. Not to actually race, but to cheer Lawyerish along. Humph.
12. jonniker | November 6th, 2006 at 10:18 am
A gift-wrapping station? Oh my God, that is hysterical and just gave me vast insight into your household. Remember, mine is of the “slob” variety, and given that I don’t have a dining room table, my guess is that a gift-wrapping station is as likely as a snowball in Miami.
13. TwoBusy | November 6th, 2006 at 10:26 am
Mr. Gorbachev — tear down this wall!
14. guinness girl | November 6th, 2006 at 10:37 am
Ooh, I had four cookies last night, too! Damn, I wish I’d brought them to work.
I’m laughing at you for renting a table, and for making sure that the table is “made of something”.
Hmm. This is making me wonder if I have written about the time I called the CDC for advice on whether I was going to poison my dinner guests accidentally or not. Hmm.
15. Claire | November 6th, 2006 at 11:57 am
oh jeebus, i heart you, jonniker.
this is all too funny. and even though you don’t have a dining room table, i envy how much room you have in your house. i think i’m going to throw away all my (crappy) furniture. sparse sounds really nice today.
also? love the Mommy Dearest references. i felt like that this weekend too.
16. Sadie | November 6th, 2006 at 3:20 pm
I would just like to clarify, heh heh, that I do not have, nor have I ever had, a gift-wrapping station. Unless you count my living room floor or that old Pier 1 bag full of scraps of wrapping paper that are too odd-sized to wrap anything with. I was just trying to think of other thigns you could use a $30 banquet table for, once Thanksgiving is over. To be honest, my table is out on the back porch holding a dead houseplant and some magazines I need to throw away. Do you feel better now?
17. anna scott | November 6th, 2006 at 3:38 pm
Why don’t look in your local classifieds and find a used dining room set. Where I live, you can find pretty nice ones for 100 bucks.. then you can resell it when you move for 100 bucks.. just a thought. I like your blog and writing style btw.
18. gigi | November 6th, 2006 at 9:08 pm
Girl, I know just how you feel. My dilmena is this: how to fit 25 family members in a dining area that is not much larger than your own. Eeeeeeeeeeeeeek! I could just kick myself for trying to be all Martha Stewart-like and volunteering my home and my sanity for Thanksgiving dinner.
19. Catherine | November 7th, 2006 at 4:39 pm
Yay Suebob, because I was going to say the same thing – get a big ole folding table and chairs and pretty them up with decorations. It’s about the food and the company – and the alcohol – not the furniture. If you want to impress, go to Tarjay and buy a pretty tablecloth, on the theory that if you never own a table that size, you can use it as a picnic cloth or plant cover in a freeze.
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