A Big Hunk O’ Love
November 14th, 2006
A. is away this week, which means, as usual, I get to eat whatever I want. I know that sounds like a stupid thing to say – it’s not like he controls anything I eat, or that his very manly presence makes me want to nibble on celery and watercress to keep my stick-thin figure to please him. Au contraire, for that old adage that married people get heavier after they tie the knot? There is absolutely a ring of truth to it, despite the fact that I thought it was a whole lot of crust, not unlike the Freshman 15 (mine was the Senior 15. Or 40.) I eat more when he’s around, probably because not a night goes by that I don’t see him in front of the television with a giant bowl of Halloween candy in front of him, the carnage of a thousand Willy Wonka confections strewn around him like litter.
It’s hard not to be simultaneously sabotaged and inspired by a nicely built man who maintains his physique despite a steady diet of Runts, Snickers and peanut butter cups. I guess that means I should get in line behind hundreds of women who feel like punching their husbands every time they suggest dinner at Cheeburger! Cheeburger! instead of Lettuce! Lettuce! Tomatoes!
But anyway, his eating habits aside, when we’re together, we eat full meals. Actual, full meals that include a main dish and a side or two, and sadly, because I cannot cook and he works from home and my God, he has to leave the house, those meals are usually out. Plus, we like to spend time together, and between work commitments and general busy-ness, it’s not hard for dinner to be the only time we’re only focused on each other. But when I’m at home, I am happiest when I graze in a manner that closely resembles a Lean Cuisine commercial. For example, last night I had almost an entire pound of homemade pickled Chinese radishes that smell like foot cheese (but oh, they are delicious!) and an Eggo waffle that I just remembered has been in the freezer for a little over a year – the Walt Disney of Eggo waffles.
Tonight, however, I had a grilled peanut butter, jelly and banana sandwich, after a recent conversation with a friend about Elvis and whether or not his death on the toilet had anything to do with straining due to the extreme difficulty in passing peanut butter and bacon turds, and I can’t recommend it enough. I mean, despite the turd association and Elvis talk. Oddly, it’s delicious with an hour-later chaser of footie radishes, which makes this quite possibly the grossest paragraph ever, and yet it’s strangely appetizing. (Recipes on request. Don’t fear the feet. Or the poop.)
The King and I diverge on the addition of bacon and/or bacon grease, mostly because bacon grease reminds me of rotting peanuts, and while I will eat radishes that smell like feet, I draw the line at rancid nuts. Bacon as a standalone, however, is an utter delight, and there isn’t enough of it in the world. But that doesn’t change the fact that it does not belong with peanut butter, and it certainly has no place touching the edges of any kind of jelly.
I used to eat like this all the time. Honestly, I was at my thinnest was when I was singlish, or at least not eating with a partner (I’ve been with A. since I was 23) and whipping together random meals that included copious amounts of fat free hot dogs, mashed potatoes from a box and the occasional meal of sauerkraut straight out of a can. Barely-thawed veggie burgers in tomato sauce were a favorite, now that I think about it, and my biggest splurge was the occasional burrito from Anna’s Taqueria. I miss those days, though I will admit that’s about the only thing I miss about being single. And it’s funny how little life changes – changes that have more to do with your daily existence than you even realize – seep into your life when you get married without the slightest awareness that things aren’t quite what they used to be. And while I plan to have a meal of boxed mashed potatoes, hot dogs and sauerkraut with mustard tomorrow, along with a side of mushy snow peas and cottage cheese, those kind of habits are ones that I’m more than willing to leave behind for what I get in return.
(This is, incidentally, my favorite meal ever, and exactly what I would order if I were on death row. I know.)
Eating is the only benefit to his business trips, for I miss him terribly, and, as I’ve discussed ad nauseam, I just don’t feel safe when he’s not here, despite a house that resembles an armored vehicle and a house alarm panic button inches from my head. Oh, oh, and a dog, albeit the tinest pug ever, who barks menacingly every time someone in the neighborhood farts and also won’t stop throwing up since we changed her food. It’s amazing I’m eating at all.
*Elvis. With bacon grease.
Entry Filed under: Nuttin'
19 Comments Add your own
1. Sundry | November 14th, 2006 at 9:02 pm
“the Walt Disney of Eggo waffles”. Hee.
2. Christine | November 14th, 2006 at 9:39 pm
Dude, Sunny is totally menacing.
And while reading this entry I developed some indigestion. Coincidence? Me thinks not.
3. guinness girl | November 14th, 2006 at 10:05 pm
Oh my god, I am dying over your Elvis conversation. Hahahahaha. Back in the days when I hosted my Elvis Extravaganza, I posted a sign over my toilet that said, “Elvis died here”. Heh.
4. jonniker | November 14th, 2006 at 10:10 pm
It was Sundry (above) who brought it up. I cannot take any credit for the consideration of the peanut butter turds.
5. Daily Tragedies | November 14th, 2006 at 10:35 pm
As I read this post, I’m sitting in front of the TV eating couscous right out of the saucepan. Just like college. (Also just like college? The fifteen pounds I’m sure to gain if I keep this up for more than a day or two.) Tomorrow it’s back to salad.
Enjoy your week of culinary freedom!
6. Blythe | November 15th, 2006 at 12:09 am
I’ve been flying solo this week as well, and last night I spent the hours of 3pm until 9 grazing my way through:
a) a bag of butter-flavor microwave popcorn with extra added melted butter
b) a carton of plain yogurt
c) an Asian pear-apple
d) a large bowl of steamed broccoli with American cheese melted on top
e) peanut butter toast
But I’ll happily flip the Suzy Homemaker switch and put together a meal that seems logical on a single plate when Prince Charming returns home. I must admit he’s worth it.
Now, however,I think I’ll make some bacon for lunch, to follow my chocolate bar and cranberry juice appetizer.
7. Gentry | November 15th, 2006 at 2:09 am
how do you know what rotting peanuts smell like? Please most more pictures of Sunny. Especially next to something to demonstrate scale.
8. Lawyerish | November 15th, 2006 at 7:05 am
First of all, bacon is proof that God intended for us to eat meat — He would have made something that tasty if it weren’t meant to be consumed. And grilled peanut butter sandwiches are one of my favorite things from childhood. Note to self: make more grilled peanut butter sandwiches.
When my husband’s not home, I tend to also graze on weird things that I wouldn’t otherwise eat. Sometimes I stock up on Airheads — a wonderful taffy-like delight — and popcorn, sometimes I subsist on cereal. Or order in chicken fingers. And, yeah, it’s not like he controls my intake otherwise, but I feel somehow freed to make really poor dietary choices when he’s absent.
9. TwoBusy | November 15th, 2006 at 7:21 am
Ana’s Taqueria! We used to live around the corner from one. You know — before we moved to the suburbs and died.
10. Claire | November 15th, 2006 at 7:22 am
if no one were watching me, i would probably subsist on cold cereal and bagels alone. I would be in carb heaven and a happy, happy girl.
mmm…
11. Heather B. | November 15th, 2006 at 8:15 am
So what you’re saying is that if I ever happen to become unsingle, then I will no longer feel the need to subsist on organic apples and noodles made of tofu and veggie burgers?
Thank God.
Bring on the grilled cheese and fries. I really need to get myself a husband or something.
12. Suebob | November 15th, 2006 at 8:56 am
Every single night, I drink a cup of Trader Joe’s roasted red pepper soup and eat a garlic naan. If I deviate from this – like last night, I start to eat anything in the house. Last night I used pecans to scoop up bits of blue cheese. This morning I still feel ill. Back to my soup.
13. Jamie | November 15th, 2006 at 9:00 am
My GI tract was alright until the mention of mushy snow peas in cottage cheese. No judgments, but I have to ask – you really, truly, for super real eat that?
That is grosser to me than footie radishes (which, by the way, remind me of those footie pantyhose socks that you get out of the kleenex-style boxes in discount shoe warehouses. Not that I would know. I’m just sayin.
14. jes | November 15th, 2006 at 9:57 am
My husband loooovvvvveesss bacon, tomato and peanut butter sandwiches.
He also loves pickle and peanut butter sandwiches.
I think both options are NASTY.
15. Orange Peacock | November 15th, 2006 at 11:07 am
Never before have I questioned your taste, but…
I was hungry before I read this, and now I think I’m pretty much set for the day foodwise. Blergh. I think you managed to combine just about every food I hate into two paragraphs, there. Wow.
16. Lawyerish | November 15th, 2006 at 12:43 pm
Oh my God, Jes! I have totally had peanut butter, tomato and bacon before and GOD, it is good. Y’all all have to try it. And I grew up eating peanut butter, pickle and mayonnaise sandwiches, which, by the way, my mom now denies feeding us. But my brother and I know the truth. They were actually pretty good; the pickles add a nice salty crunch. The mayo part kind of grosses me out now, although I love mayo on other things.
17. Leah | November 15th, 2006 at 6:51 pm
Just yesterday Simon was talking about that one time he found a cockroach in his peanut butter and bacon pizza and instead of “Ew, cockroach!” I was all “Ew, pb and bacon?!” I had never heard of such a thing and was convinced he’d made it up. Now I am convinced you’re in cahoots.
18. Jen W. | November 16th, 2006 at 9:28 am
I’m STARVING now. And, craving the boxed mashed potatoes. I used to eat them almost every day in college because they were so easy to make, especially when I came home smashed from the bar. What sounds like a great idea? Why, taking flakes of dehydrated mashed potatoes, pouring milk on it, and sticking it in the microwave for a tasty treat, of course!
19. Amazing Cooking Guide&hellip | November 16th, 2007 at 6:06 am
Amazing Cooking Guide
I couldn’t understand some parts of this article, but it sounds interesting
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