Cherry-Coloured Funk
December 13th, 2006
Three times today, people complimented me on my perfume, telling me each time how lovely I smelled, and my goodness, what beguiling fragrance was I wearing? Dude, an elderly lady said “beguiling” in reference to something about me. Which is perhaps the most awesomely hilarious thing ever, given that the wondrous elixir I was wearing was, indeed, vanilla lavender Downy fabric softener. (The very same kind that Sundry famously used to wash her clothes with, thinking it was detergent, which is just one of a frillion reasons why I love her). And I have to say, I agree with them. I’ve been a Clean Breeze gal for years now, but this lavender vanilla shit is causing a bit of a fracas, what with the unsolicited compliments, and it’s making me want to do more laundry, as it fills my entire house with delightful fragrance, and how wonderful is that? Wonderful! It’s wonderful! Let’s all go wash our clothes!
(Also, I would like to add that I strongly disagree with commenter Erin on that entry, because I use fabric softener on all of my towels, and while they might lose absorbency, I haven’t noticed. They are fluffy and soft and fresh-smelling and still work just fine, and it’s not like I’m using them as a maxipad or anything, where absorbency is critical. But to each their own!)
In exciting pet-related news, I went into Sunny’s spare crate this afternoon and discovered, lovingly placed and barely chewed, a single shoe of at least six pairs of my shoes and nine pairs of underwear from the laundry, all thongs, all chewed to bits in the uh, crotch. (Jenifer warned me of this phenomenon back at the juicy condom incident, and I did not heed her warning. Fool.) I didn’t even realize I had nine pairs of thongs, to be honest, and yet, there they were, chewed-crotch thongs, resting like some sort of secret pirate stash of excitement while she sat staring at me with a pink nylon number dangling from her lips. Pervy little pug. There were some dirty socks in there, too. And the UTI-excitement continues in the cat department, for we’ve had to change the cat’s antibiotics twice now, because – and this is so fun – in addition to peeing blood everywhere, the antibiotics didn’t agree with him, so we were waking up every morning to bloody pee and vomit everywhere. Yay! All of this means that I am down a few pairs of shoes, some thongs and I’ve gone through three cans of Resolve. And at this moment, the little pugleted darling is farting up a cloud of dogfart that could be used as a weapon. Pets are awesome.
Look, it’s time for me to be honest: I have a touch of the PMS, a fact I just realized late this afternoon when I started getting worked up (and sending dramatic emails, you know who you are) and reaching into my desk drawer for my emergency stash of chocolate, which officially makes me a miserable walking cliche, not to mention a bit of a drama queen. Today at work, a man came in to update our fire extinguishers and…well, he was just so earnestly concerned about it, so worried about our well being, so HORRIFIED that those fire extinguishers were four months past their deadline. And he was so nice about it. So nice! Calling us ‘kind people,’ and ‘sir’ and ‘ma’am’ and saying things like, “No! You cannot work under these conditions! What if there’s a FIRE? I cannot believe your employers failed to notice this!” And then I got choked up, because he cared about us! He CARED whether we perished in a fire as we hunkered down over our work projects! HE CARED WHEN NO ONE ELSE DID.
The PMS also manifests itself in a bit of, uh, an eating binge, and while there is avid gym-going happening, there is also avid cupcake-eating. Shoveling, actually. There is cupcake shoveling. They’re totally still good, right? I made them Saturday night, and it’s Wednesday and I have them in an airtight container and PLEASE tell me they are still good, because I just licked the frosting off of a plate just now. Strawberry frosting. With yellow cake. God.
There are also mood swings. For example, I was listening to the radio today on my way to work and Jewel’s “Foolish Games” came on, which inexplicably set me off. Off like a rocket, I tell you, because all I could think of – and in fact, all I could say and/or scream to the radio – was how obnoxious the whole song is and how, God, that guy she’s singing about? The one who talks about baroque moving him and loving Mozart? He sounds like a pretentious asshonker. If you love Mozart and baroque moves you, and you speak of your loved ones in hushed tones while wearing hemp? I’m not a fan, even if you are fictitious, and in fact, if I have PMS, you could annoy me so much I can’t concentrate for an entire morning, because honestly, all morning I was preoccupied with the stupidity of Jewel for writing about a dude who talks about his love for baroque, like he’s SPECIAL or something. Maybe a man whose interests lean more towards math and science would be a better choice? And maybe I should calm down over this.
While we’re on the subject of songs, the Pussycat Dolls’ ‘Buttons’ also upsets me, because my God, they’re talking about LOOSENING BUTTONS and backing up the talk of dirty things on the radio and what if I have a daughter who decides it’s her goal in life to get her buttons loosened because some slutty little whorebag in a garter belt sang in a convincing way that it was a good idea? And I can’t even talk about Fergie or Nelly Furtado and their promiscuous talk without wanting to hang my head in my hands and cry. Because while I’m all for sexual freedom, WHAT ABOUT THE CHILDREN?
Jimmy totally has asthma, only this time, it’s Janie who has asthma and also, the sluttskies. The PMS-induced sluttskies and suddenly my daughter is asking to be a “hooker” for Halloween, as I did my mother at age 11, after watching a particularly risque Golden Girls episode (please tell me I’m not the only one who remembers the time they got arrested for prostitution? Anyone? And can I just say I DID NOT GET IT, particularly because a) I had no idea what a hooker was, and b) Would anyone honestly pay to have sex with Bea Arthur? Seriously? I mean, she rocks, don’t get me wrong, but…well, she’s always struck me as more Arthur than Bea, no matter how many fancypants pantsuits they tried to pour her into. ) And if you missed it the first time, when I was 11, I actually asked my mother if I could be a prostitute for Halloween and cried for an hour because she said no, because I was excited about shopping for fishnets, for crying out loud. Fishnets! And maybe a bustier. I was 11. Dear God, and thank sweet Jesus for rational parenting, and if that’s not proof that my mother was always right, I’m not sure what is.
Steam. I’m out of it, and I think that’s enough excitement for one day, because after all there was drama! Disease! Dessert! Sluts! Hookers!
*Cocteau Twins
Entry Filed under: Nuttin'
28 Comments Add your own
1. Orange Peacock | December 13th, 2006 at 11:08 pm
I’m lightyears away from having kids. I am TERRIFIED to think of how hypersexualized the media will be by then. It’ll be a freaking Brave New World scenario by then…
2. Heather B. | December 14th, 2006 at 7:18 am
What’s the matter, you don’t want me to push up on your buttons, baby? Hmmm? No?
3. Christine | December 14th, 2006 at 7:24 am
Gah, the PMS. The pets! Gah. As an aside, what do you feed your cat? I’m a little OCD about problems that could develop but he’s also picky. He likes the smooth food, no chunks in gravy for him. Asshole. (And I might be wrong, but I think somewhere here or in email that you mentioned you got all into kitty nutrition when your baby got sick.
And also, I told my grandmother at four that I wanted to be a stripper when I grew up because of something I watched on TV. I was four. My grandmother was not pleased.
4. Amity | December 14th, 2006 at 7:26 am
I made the mistake of watching the Pussycat Dolls perform that song on the AMAs (or whatever dumb ass awards show was on a few weeks ago…) and I’ve been worried about little Janie and my burnt retinas ever since.
5. Christine | December 14th, 2006 at 7:38 am
Also, forgot to close the parenthesis. Whoops.
6. TwoBusy | December 14th, 2006 at 7:55 am
Your Hallowe’en prostitute costume-wanting just gave me an entirely new reason to be terrified of the future. Thanks!
7. Lawyerish | December 14th, 2006 at 8:07 am
I am more than a little afraid that I am going to find myself becoming a “mother for modesty”, making my daughter wear some kind of burlap sack for a bathing suit or sport shapeless calico dresses to school, so afraid am I of encouraging leers from strange men and/or letting her realize too young the power of sexuality. SO, SO AFRAID.
Janie has the sluttskies. I need to work that into conversation on a daily basis.
8. Andrea | December 14th, 2006 at 8:17 am
I came over here yesterday from SueBob for your ROFL award for November. Needless to say, I’m now a Jonniker fan. I haven’t laughed so hard in a long time.
This is probably going to out me as a total nerd, but I’m gonna say it anyway, because my self-censoring attribute is WAY weaker than my mouth. I actually use peroxcide on carpet stains. Diluted half and half with water and put in a spray bottle, it’s the exact same active ingredient in those expensive carpet cleaners. And a big bottle of it is only a buck. I’ve gotten spaghetti sauce, blood, poop (I have a two year old boy and pets), chocolate milk, and many other stains out with it. I even put it in my steam cleaner water and saved $20 on a big bottle of cleaner. I swear by it.
There. I’m a total dork, passing on cleaning tips. But the world should know. Peroxide. It didn’t leech the color out of my carpet either, but if you decide to try it and have dark colored carpet, you might want to test it first. Okay, my geekery has reached an all time high.
9. jonniker | December 14th, 2006 at 8:23 am
Christine: I feed a mix of Nutro and Wellness wet. The Nutro has chunks of potatoes and peas in it, but is otherwise a pate. The Wellness is a really smooth pate, but it’s harder to find and also, infinitely more expensive.
The UTI became an issue when I switched his food to an all-dry brand called BlueSpa. It’s supposedly fantastic stuff in terms of quality, but I guess it didn’t work with his Ph, (which is unique to every cat) and also, since we now know he’s prone to urinary problems, we have to feed all-wet. Generally, I’m in favor of an all-wet diet for cats, as it mimics what they get in the wild, especially because mine just doesn’t drink that much. But, given that his food was costing us a small fortune compared to Sunny’s, I thought a change might be worth it in the long run. Uhhh, not so much! All-wet it is!
10. Amanda | December 14th, 2006 at 8:27 am
Nally Furtado used to be all folky and I’m Like a Bird-y but then once she had her daughter she got all raunchy and horny. It seems like things should have happened in the reverse order: be all ho-ey and shake your half-clothed booty while you’re young and free and sowing those wild oats, but then simmer down and don a nice pair of mom jeans after you have a kid.
This post was awesome, by the way.
11. Claire | December 14th, 2006 at 8:31 am
yeah. i was thinking about the sexiness of all the songs on the radio just yesterday. I’m not repressed or anything, but yeah… what about the children? Why is Fergie telling us about her lumps? Eh? Remember a couple of years ago, that song about it being hot in here and taking off all your clothes? THAT song made me glad i didn’t have children and i wonder how parents are handling all the sexy songs.
And then i think about that song from the early 90′s? When i think about you when i touch myself? Yeah, i’m sure my mom loved that
12. jonniker | December 14th, 2006 at 8:41 am
Amanda, that’s all I can think about. SHE HAS A DAUGHTER. A DAUGHTER. JESUS.
And Andrea, thank you for all of that. Our carpet is very pale beige, which is frustrating, but I cannot wait to try this.
Claire: THE DIVINYLS. I FORGOT ABOUT THAT.
13. lizgwiz | December 14th, 2006 at 9:23 am
What IS it with dogs and underwear? I had a crazy Golden Retriever years ago who took all the underwear out of a load I had waiting to be done in the garage and BURIED it all in the yard. There were little panty tufts poking out all over. I laughed until I cried. Maybe she thought they’d grow into underwear trees?
14. Lacey | December 14th, 2006 at 9:37 am
Oh … so funny! You make me snort with laughter at work! I thought I might have been the only one who was a little obsessed with my clothes detergent and my fabric softener. I also use Tide Clean Breeze with Downy Clean Breeze fabric softener and then some generic Mountain Breeze dryer sheets. BECAUSE I AM CRAZY, OBVIOUSLY. Crazy about my great smelling clothes. I have been interested in the Vanilla Lavendar craze, but honestly a little afraid to try. I mean, I’ve got a good thing going with my detergent/softener/sheet mix.
And the dog and the underwear? I know that pain. Oh do I.
15. Mauigirl52 | December 14th, 2006 at 9:45 am
When we first had our previous dog, not long after we got her she ate half a bra. I’m not talking about chewing a piece off of it. I mean she actually consumed one half of the bra, hooks and strap and all. We were so stupid about dogs that at that time we didn’t even panic, we just decided to wait a couple of days and see what came out. She continued to eat and poop normally and then on the third day she barfed up the half bra. Intact. In pristine condition if a bit discolored. Apparently it wouldn’t go through and her stomach just kept it there until it decided it would have to go back out the way it came in!
Sorry to hear kitty is still having urinary tract problems. Has the latest antibiotic helped yet?
16. jonniker | December 14th, 2006 at 10:24 am
Lizgwiz! That’s awesome.
Lacey: Totally try it. I was Clean Breeze ALL THE WAY and even told Sundry so, but I am a total convert. Compliments! COMPLIMENTS!
MG: Thank you, he seems a little better. He’s peeing normally (TMI. God.), and actually started eating again. (HALF A BRA. OMG)
17. Jamie | December 14th, 2006 at 10:55 am
“A little more Arthur than Bea…” GAH – YES!
This? THIS is why I love your writing.
And also b/c I’ve been to crotchless, dog-eaten pantified hell and back. And my underwear is sadly, still not safe. I don’t get it, but I think (at this point) I need to take it as a compliment and move the hell on.
18. Leah | December 14th, 2006 at 12:05 pm
Are the sluttskies contagious? Because they sound like they are.
19. Suebob | December 14th, 2006 at 1:21 pm
I am so seeing “Jimmy Doesn’t Have Asthma” t-shirts. Please, please.
20. guinness girl | December 14th, 2006 at 1:50 pm
I fucking hate that Jewel song. If it weren’t for “Hands”, I would hate HER, too. Instead, I just wish she’d stop talking about how she once lived in a car.
21. jes | December 14th, 2006 at 3:49 pm
Is it pathetic that after that long rant, all I do now is chant: “Remember Downy Vanilla Lavender”, “Remember Downy Vanilla Lavender”, “Remember Downy Vanilla Lavender” for when I go to the store tonight?
22. metalia | December 14th, 2006 at 6:39 pm
So, I should probably be embarrassed to admit this, but I must share this with you: I’ve always hated “Foolish Games,” but it was not until today that I realized just WHAT a sanctimonious douche the guy in the song was. You see, I always thought Jewel was singing “your thoughts on Marlboro moved you,” and not…um… “your thoughts on art, baroque moved you.” (I don’t know; my only justification is that the prior line is about his cigarrettes…) It was only thanks to this post that I have seen the light. Hee!
23. JayAre | December 14th, 2006 at 11:13 pm
My husband won’t let me use any fabric softener on our towels, and it pisses me off EVERY SINGLE DAY.
24. maggie | December 15th, 2006 at 7:04 am
ROFL – I love that an old lady said you smelled beguiling because of your fabric softener! And the dog and the underwear and the shoes?! Oof.
25. jessica | December 15th, 2006 at 2:30 pm
I just caught my cat spending some “quality time” with my new fake-fur-lined clogs. I wear these clogs without socks, so I’m sure the smell in there is DIVINE. He had his two front feet jammed in the shoes while he was skating them around the floor with definite humping motions. Yes, shoes – plural. Both of them at the same time – one one each foot.
I jumped over and read the condom story – I am so f’in sorry.
26. Catherine | December 15th, 2006 at 4:10 pm
Tide now makes a Vanilla Lavender scented Tide, so you can coordinate your laundry fragrances. Probably not good if you are washing your husband’s clothes with yours, but it’s very, very good. And Dudley the Boston has been on a shoe thing lately, if he’s home alone (with the other dog, two cats and the light on) after dark he gets stressed and chews a shoe. It’s all cheap shoes we didn’t care about so far, but still, it must cease.
27. toasty redhead | May 28th, 2011 at 4:44 pm
I agree 100%
28. online game rentals | May 29th, 2011 at 6:11 am
I agree 100%
Leave a Comment
Some HTML allowed:
<a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>
Trackback this post | Subscribe to the comments via RSS Feed