Nothing Ever Happens
January 11th, 2007
Over the last few days, I’ve finished a giant freelance project, a major work project, interviewed someone who only speaks Czech (which is Polish? Is that right?), and just when I was turning a corner, someone pointed out that my zipper was down. And yet, three more times, it came down, because there is a word for people like me, and it’s bloated. For the first time in my life, I took a damn Midol after work, and while it helped a little, I’m still closer to a post-blueberry Violet Beauregard than is natural.
Mmmm…blueberries. We have reached that special time where I can’t get enough food into my greedy little gullet, and I’ve been sitting on my hands for the last 30 minutes, desperately trying not to run downstairs and go Lardass Hogan on the blueberry pie on the counter. And yet I haven’t! Although truthfully the reason I haven’t has more to do with the fact that blueberry pies stain, and since we already have a documented chicken wing/pizza stain from an ill-advised bed dinner, who needs blueberry bed? And I am not ready to get out of bed right now, blueberry pie or not.
Yesterday, my next door neighbor came storming out of her garage screaming like a wild banshee, until she finally announced to no one in particular that there was a snake in her garage. A snake! In her garage! Our snake! And all of us are too chicken to help her, and since my pathetic efforts in sweeping him out resulted in little more than me squealing like a stuck pig, I think he’ll stay there.
In other, completely random news, I lost the outside ends of both of my eyebrows, which gives me a subtle, yet sinister look. And by ‘lost,’ incidentally, I mean that my thyroid hormones were so completely fizzled that I started losing my hair again, which manifests itself first in eyebrow loss. Which, while mildly annoying, isn’t so bad, and sure beats the pants off of going bald, I just really hope they grow back (They usually do! They do! I will not spend my life looking like Malcom Macdowell!) (And also, my fake thyroid stuff has been adjusted, so no more eyebrow loss and also, no more behaving and feeling like a crazy person, although no amount of Synthroid in the world can help with the blueberry feeling and/or pie craving. Or Triscuits. And an apple with honey and peanut butter. Nope, still not getting out of bed.)
Perhaps most importantly, though no less random, I am addicted to Top Chef, and the entire time I’m watching this, all I can wonder is who in the hell is this Padma person, why is she so damn vacant and what on EARTH gives her any kind of qualification to judge Marcel’s cherry reduction foam, other than looking vaguely like a bobblehead doll with a Madonna accent? And then I realized with horror that this strange Padma person is married to Salman Rushdie, and, well, consider my mind officially blown to smithereens.
And finally, I hope y’all have a nice long weekend. I’m too fried to construct anything even a little coherent, and given that I have a 7 a.m. root canal/crown fitting (7 a.m. I scheduled it. Can someone tell me what I was thinking?), I should go. The weekend will be a welcome respite. For my part, I plan to sleep a lot before embarking on yet another week packed with projects, Czechoslovakian expats and maybe a juicing machine run by Oompa Loompas. And although Sundry’s got the corner on this one, what are you doing this weekend? And do you have MLK Day off, as I do?
*Pavement
Entry Filed under: Nuttin'
19 Comments Add your own
1. -R- | January 11th, 2007 at 9:18 pm
Your snake stories are not encouraging me to come to your part of Florida on my vacation.
So your eyebrows are not falling out anymore? I wonder what Lenny (?- that crazy hairdresser guy) would have to say about that. A LOT, I am sure. I am glad that you got everything adjusted!
Finally, I do have MLK Day off, thanks for asking! H and I are going to be lazy and lounge around. But tomorrow night, we are going roller skating. Aw yeah.
2. Melissa | January 11th, 2007 at 9:26 pm
Our office is open on MLK day, though the students have it off (lucky sons-of-bitches),
I’ve been fighting an urge to devour a block of swiss cheese, with or without crackers. I pray for strength.
Glad your eyebrows have halted their exodus. I misplucked once and had a look very close to what you described. People seemed to find it unsettling.
3. Yez | January 11th, 2007 at 11:27 pm
You knew, of course, that Season I’s… um, hostess was Katy JOEL, as in Billy Joel? But I didn’t know who Padma was either, so now we’ve stumbled on their master plan: celebrated spice. Er, celebrity spouses.
4. Beth | January 12th, 2007 at 4:23 am
Can’t Animal Control get rid of that snake? Or are they too busy wrestling alligators on camera for Animal Planet? ;^)
I’m also addicted to Top Chef, and I don’t mind Padma too much. I suspect the producers want neutrality but not ultra-boring, and they’re still finding that balance. Padma is so much better to watch than Katie, though, because she looks like she at least cares when someone is sent packing. Here’s one of many threads: http://www.chowhound.com/topics/351490.
5. TwoBusy | January 12th, 2007 at 6:54 am
a. But, you see, the problem with the cherry reduction foam is that it didn’t have the element of passion that would’ve made it truly lustful — and therefore worthy of the judges’ love. Plus, Marcel’s got some seriously goofy-ass hair. He looks like Syndrome from The Incredibles.
b. Padma apparently played Mariah Carey’s rival in Glitter. Which may or may not further pulverize your smithereens.
6. H | January 12th, 2007 at 7:35 am
My daughter gave herself a Groucho Marx look the first time she (without telling me) plucked her eyebrows. Then she got defensive about it and refused my help. I still wonder what it was like for her to go to school looking like that.
Nope. I don’t have Monday off. The forecast for the weekend includes high temperatures of minus zero. High below zero! I miss the mild winter. My family and I will spend the weekend trying to find ways to avoid leaving home. Well, except for the teenage son, I’m sure the cold weather won’t stop him.
7. Sadie | January 12th, 2007 at 7:59 am
I don’t get the day off work for MLK Day, and frankly I am a little pissed. Because I would like to honor the work and memory of the Reverend Dr by sleeping until 9 and inviting my dog onto the bed for another hour of thoughtless loafing whilst I watch The View.
This weekend I am compelled to clean my bedroom, which smells a little too fiercely like aforementioned dog. I might clean the dog too. And also watch football, and for that endeavor I shall make a layered Mexican dip (cheese! and cream cheese! and beans! and salsa and more cheese!) and eat the whole dish of it greedily.
8. Suebob | January 12th, 2007 at 8:37 am
Mr Stapler and I are addicted to Top Chef as well. He (currently unemployed, and I am beginning to worry about his mental state) has been obsessing over Tom Colicchio’s blog at the Bravo site.
Padma’s official website says she is a cookbook author and has a picture of her cooking in a…negligee?…slip? something that I have never really felt like rolling out pizza dough in…So I guess she’s qualified to give instructions and furrow her brow ever so slightly and say “Pack your knives and go home.”
9. metalia | January 12th, 2007 at 9:42 am
Looove Top Chef. The only time I don’t is when Padma…speaks, just stands there, and…generally does anything.
10. Heather B. | January 12th, 2007 at 11:55 am
She’s not really married to Rushdie, is she??? Seriously??
I’m wikipedia-ing her now.
P.S. I hate Marcel. HAAAAAAAATE. I miss Mia and Michael for the entertainment value.
11. claire | January 12th, 2007 at 12:35 pm
I’ve gotten myself addicted to Top Chef, too. But – and i hate to say it – i just don’t hate Marcel as much as everyone else does. I’m not sure why, but he doesn’t bug me as much as maybe he’s supposed to. Eh, whatever.
Hope your root canal wasn’t too painful. I see your weekend will be filled with Vicodin or Percoset. Not too shabby, i think.
12. jonniker | January 12th, 2007 at 12:39 pm
Claire: I don’t hate Marcel as much either. His hair, well, that’s a different story, but I don’t loathe him as much as I thought I would.
Yez: KATIE JOEL. OMG.
Also, ah, Ionly got Motrin. And thank Jesus it’s working.
13. jes | January 12th, 2007 at 12:41 pm
I am doing nothing. NOTHING, I tell you. Except maybe cleaning, and I’d rather do NOTHING than clean. Because cleaning? Isn’t fun. Even if I do have cute, new plastic gloves.
14. Debbie Stothert | January 13th, 2007 at 1:40 pm
Czech is not Polish. They speak Polish in Poland and Czech in Czechoslovakia!!
Love your blog BTW!
Debbie in cardiff, UK
15. jonniker | January 13th, 2007 at 1:47 pm
You know, Debbie, that’s what I thought, too! Except this dude – this Czech dude – gave me a very long lecture about how Czech is very close to Polish, and is actually Polish, but with a Czech dialect sort of spin. It was all very confusing for me, given that it was through an interpreter of sorts.
16. TwoBusy | January 14th, 2007 at 7:20 am
Czech and Polish are both Slavic languages, like Slovak and Russian (even though it uses Cyrillic, it still shares some of the same etymological roots). So while there may be some similarities – and there may be some shared understanding between speakers of the two – they’re no more the same thing than Italian and Spanish.
17. jonniker | January 14th, 2007 at 8:00 am
I think what happened is this: the translator, for reasons unknown, tried to explain to me the *origins* of Czech by explaining it has its roots in Polish (Mind you, this is only a guess of what her intentions were, or maybe he was talking through what he was saying). In doing so, however, because HER English isn’t so good, and because he speaks none whatsoever, she ended up lecturing me that Czech people speak Polish, even when I politely protested. Mass confusion ensues.
And now we know. Hooray!
18. kerrianne | January 14th, 2007 at 11:38 pm
I honestly can’t remember a time before I was addicted to mostly EVERY show on Bravo. I tell myself no time ever actually existed.
And Padme! She annoys me on a Wednesday-night basis. Which, I suppose, is far better than, say, on a daily basis.
19. angela | January 15th, 2007 at 6:51 pm
Yuck, snakes. We have a tri-level house, and the lower level, which has our laundry room, leads out to a garage. One morning when I ran downstairs without my contacts in or my glasses on to grab something from the dirty clothes pile, I saw what I thought was a black sweatpants string or something next to the basket. I grabbed what I was looking for and went about my business. But later when I went back downstairs with proper eyesight, I realized it was actually a small snake. In our house. On the carpet. With our dirty clothes.
I still am quite traumatized by this and now always think there are snakes in our laundry or under the couch or something. Do you think it’s time to move?
Leave a Comment
Some HTML allowed:
<a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>
Trackback this post | Subscribe to the comments via RSS Feed