Run

There are a few things I kind of half-wished someone had told me before about having a crown put in and yet, strangely, I’m thrilled no one did, because had I known, there is absolutely no way I would have actually gone through with it, or even showed up. Because seriously, there was gum-shaving and soldering (SOLDERING) and some sort of flaming electrode-type thing that removed a large swath of gum near the site, which resulted in some kind of…of…BURNING FLESH SMELL, not to mention lots of weird smoke pouring from my mouth that did not involve tobacco. And….And! A warning from the dentist for me to close my eyes because of “blood spatter.”

I mean, it’s just about the grossest thing I’ve ever done, and I have done and seen a lot of gross things, if you know what I mean, and I think you do. There was also that killer moment where my TMJ kicked into high gear during the impression portion of our show, and I, ah, couldn’t open my mouth for 40 minutes and laid there near-tears while the hygienist tried to pry my jaw open with the force of her elbows until the dentist came screaming in with a cortisone shot, which didn’t kick in until after I left. And when I left, mind you, I didn’t realize that I had giant blobs of purple rubber all over my face, including a large piece about the size of a penny smeared on the front of my nose until a clerk in the health food store asked me, the hell? To which I responded by peeling it off and running away with my very bad fermented cabbage drink thing that I picked up by accident.

And from there, wouldn’t you think the weekend would only get better? Sadly, no. I mean, it didn’t get worse, and it didn’t get any more exciting, but ‘better’ is a relative term, because the rest of it was spent wandering around in a Motrin haze, which reminds me, dude: they shave off your gums, whittle your tooth down to the saddest little nub – a piece of corn, really, and who says corn teeth aren’t highly coveted? – and wouldn’t you think you’d get something stronger? Wouldn’t you think that this would at least get you Percocet, or maybe some Vicodin? Except you don’t, you get a Motrin pill the size of my kidney, along with more steroids and a mouth rinse that makes all food taste like mud. Which is good, oh so good, because it means I have zero interest in eating, which is normally wicked disappointing, because God knows I love to eat, except…I ripped something in my foot, or collapsed an arch or something during yesterday’s run, so running, for the time being is definitely out, and by “running” I also mean “walking” and if this continues by Wednesday, I’m getting a handicapped sticker for my car, or at least stuffing a chicken in my shirt and parking in the mother-to-be spots. However, if I’d gotten Percocet, this wouldn’t have happened, because I would not have been running, due to the busy schedule of drooling I would have been on, so it all boils down to the evil that is the dentist or Why Crowns Suck the Big One.

Aren’t we just a barrel of laughs? Dear sweet lord! It’s not all bad – there have been some delightful parts, really. Ah, yes. Delight! I mean, there has been lots of lying about, sometimes asleep, sometimes awake, and Ad has been waiting on me rather wonderfully and – perhaps the best part – I’ve been able to enjoy the pleasures of snuggling with a small dog without any of the responsibility, because I haven’t taken her out for a single walk since it all went down, because that requires walking, which again, I am hilariously incapable of doing. This injury, PS, seems to be caused by my sad little flat feet, and other than fixing the support situation with orthotics (done! DONE!), does anyone have any idea what I can do? I mean, ah, it feels muscular, not broken bone-y, and not doctor-worthy yet, although if that would get me crutches, I’d consider it. Perhaps also important is that it doesn’t hurt unless I’m walking on it. Blog readers as doctors. You can’t beat it, really.

Running. it was fun while it lasted. The service, however, is fantastic. In a few minutes, I am going to demand tea, and maybe some apples.

Hope you had a wonderful weekend, and I hope it was a long one. Happy almost-Tuesday!

*New Order

18 comments January 15th, 2007