January 15th, 2007

There are a few things I kind of half-wished someone had told me before about having a crown put in and yet, strangely, I’m thrilled no one did, because had I known, there is absolutely no way I would have actually gone through with it, or even showed up. Because seriously, there was gum-shaving and soldering (SOLDERING) and some sort of flaming electrode-type thing that removed a large swath of gum near the site, which resulted in some kind of…of…BURNING FLESH SMELL, not to mention lots of weird smoke pouring from my mouth that did not involve tobacco. And….And! A warning from the dentist for me to close my eyes because of “blood spatter.”

I mean, it’s just about the grossest thing I’ve ever done, and I have done and seen a lot of gross things, if you know what I mean, and I think you do. There was also that killer moment where my TMJ kicked into high gear during the impression portion of our show, and I, ah, couldn’t open my mouth for 40 minutes and laid there near-tears while the hygienist tried to pry my jaw open with the force of her elbows until the dentist came screaming in with a cortisone shot, which didn’t kick in until after I left. And when I left, mind you, I didn’t realize that I had giant blobs of purple rubber all over my face, including a large piece about the size of a penny smeared on the front of my nose until a clerk in the health food store asked me, the hell? To which I responded by peeling it off and running away with my very bad fermented cabbage drink thing that I picked up by accident.

And from there, wouldn’t you think the weekend would only get better? Sadly, no. I mean, it didn’t get worse, and it didn’t get any more exciting, but ‘better’ is a relative term, because the rest of it was spent wandering around in a Motrin haze, which reminds me, dude: they shave off your gums, whittle your tooth down to the saddest little nub – a piece of corn, really, and who says corn teeth aren’t highly coveted? – and wouldn’t you think you’d get something stronger? Wouldn’t you think that this would at least get you Percocet, or maybe some Vicodin? Except you don’t, you get a Motrin pill the size of my kidney, along with more steroids and a mouth rinse that makes all food taste like mud. Which is good, oh so good, because it means I have zero interest in eating, which is normally wicked disappointing, because God knows I love to eat, except…I ripped something in my foot, or collapsed an arch or something during yesterday’s run, so running, for the time being is definitely out, and by “running” I also mean “walking” and if this continues by Wednesday, I’m getting a handicapped sticker for my car, or at least stuffing a chicken in my shirt and parking in the mother-to-be spots. However, if I’d gotten Percocet, this wouldn’t have happened, because I would not have been running, due to the busy schedule of drooling I would have been on, so it all boils down to the evil that is the dentist or Why Crowns Suck the Big One.

Aren’t we just a barrel of laughs? Dear sweet lord! It’s not all bad – there have been some delightful parts, really. Ah, yes. Delight! I mean, there has been lots of lying about, sometimes asleep, sometimes awake, and Ad has been waiting on me rather wonderfully and – perhaps the best part – I’ve been able to enjoy the pleasures of snuggling with a small dog without any of the responsibility, because I haven’t taken her out for a single walk since it all went down, because that requires walking, which again, I am hilariously incapable of doing. This injury, PS, seems to be caused by my sad little flat feet, and other than fixing the support situation with orthotics (done! DONE!), does anyone have any idea what I can do? I mean, ah, it feels muscular, not broken bone-y, and not doctor-worthy yet, although if that would get me crutches, I’d consider it. Perhaps also important is that it doesn’t hurt unless I’m walking on it. Blog readers as doctors. You can’t beat it, really.

Running. it was fun while it lasted. The service, however, is fantastic. In a few minutes, I am going to demand tea, and maybe some apples.

Hope you had a wonderful weekend, and I hope it was a long one. Happy almost-Tuesday!

*New Order

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18 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Dave  |  January 15th, 2007 at 7:45 pm

    I’m not a particularly squeamish person, but I have to admit to being alarmed at the indelicacy with which surgeons of all types appear to practice their trade. I witnessed my firstborn being delivered by c-section, and my head just about fell off when I saw the OBGYN, a rather large woman to begin with, struggling to install spreaders on the incision.

    Anyway, thanks for sharing. I’m going go brush my teeth about eight thousand times now.

  • 2. whoorl  |  January 15th, 2007 at 7:51 pm

    Well, I am (was) a pharmaceutical rep and if you’ve met any of us, you would know we fancy ourselves as doctors. Unfortunately, I have no good advice for you except to purchase a little bell. It makes the waiting on you hand-and-foot part so much more fun. Ring-a-ding-ding Ad! Come hither!

  • 3. Amanda  |  January 15th, 2007 at 9:44 pm

    Hrm. Foot pain. Is is located at the heel of your foot? Because when I went through a manic running phase my heel started to KILL and it was because I had developed plantar fascitis (sp?). It really hurt and still occasionally bothers me if I walk/run a long distance. So now I just sit on the couch and eat cookies.

  • 4. jonniker  |  January 16th, 2007 at 5:22 am

    Amanda: That occurred to me (thank you, Dr. Google!), but it happened suddenly after one run, and isn’t really in my heel – more along my arch/middle of my foot, towards the outside, which makes me think it’s an arch thing caused by overcompensation on the outside of my foot. Oh hell. I have no idea.

  • 5. Lawyerish  |  January 16th, 2007 at 7:34 am

    Are you running with orthotics in your shoes? Years ago, I tried some new arch supports in my running shoes, and they were not placed exactly where they were supposed to be, and I ended up with this horrendous foot pain on the bottom outside of my foot. Apparently I had strained a bunch of ligaments because of how my foot was compensating for the arch supports. I went to a sports medicine doctor and he taped up my foot in some miraculous way that took away the pain completely, and within a week or so I was out running again. He also showed me how to position the thingies in my shoe so it wouldn’t happen again.

    The gum shaving and soldering about made me pass out. I don’t think I would make it through that alive.

  • 6. Yez  |  January 16th, 2007 at 8:23 am

    “The impression part of our show” is never my favorite. Small jaw, standard size molds: gag reflex! And why do I always have a cold during those circumstances? All my sinuses seem to kick into seepage mode, and I’m sure I’ll drown, suffocate or send the mold flying across the room with a gigantic cough/gag.

    I wish I could’ve warned you about the gumectomy :> but so far, that hasn’t happened to me. You’d think they could’ve forked over a Vicodin :-I

  • 7. Suebob  |  January 16th, 2007 at 8:42 am

    Oh my. The gum shaving. I think I need to lay down with a cool cloth on my forehead. Right after I brush and floss again.

    I have the TMJ too, which makes dentistry a little more tricky. Open wider! I CAN”T BECAUSE MY JAW WILL BREAK. The last time I had those rubber blocks in my mouth, I started feeling like I had to pee worse than any other time in my life. What a joy that was.

    Anyway, I am glad it is over.

  • 8. Andrea  |  January 16th, 2007 at 8:48 am

    Well, I guess I can forget about making that dental appointment that was in the back of my mind for the last couple weeks. Must work up courage first.

    No advise on the foot pain except to put it up and never ever run again. Unless some dude is chasing you with a butcher knife. Or a Jehovas Witness brochure.

    Hope you’re mending soon. I’d send you some of my pain meds after my gallbladder removal last week, but I had to fight with the nurse in my doctor’s office who all but accused me of being a junkie because I needed an extension on the scrip for one incision that doesn’t seem to be healing right. Maybe I am a junkie pill popping pain medicine hoarder. Mine. All mine. Maybe that dumb nurse was right. Yipes.

  • 9. rhea  |  January 16th, 2007 at 9:45 am

    That’s why you’ve got to shell out the extra $$ to be knocked out during dentistry work. I spent years under the ministrations of orthodontists and assistants and they never cleaned up their mess on my face, I always had to check before I left, or I’d be sure to have some bits of gunk everywhere.

  • 10. Jamie  |  January 16th, 2007 at 10:47 am

    I am suddenly very aware of, and very grateful for, my relatively healthy teeth. Crikey.

  • 11. Leigh a/k/a Bellydancer  |  January 16th, 2007 at 11:58 am

    I can totally relate about the crowns! My dentist was so traumatized by my first crown that he insists on sedating me for each and every procedure now. It had something to do with my tongue not wanting to be still! It was all over my mouth– totally involuntarily– seeking out the smoking tooth, darting over towards the drill, etc. At one point I remember the hygenist holding my tongue down and commenting, “Leigh, you have a really STRONG tongue!” So, ever since then, he puts me to sleep for every-darned-thing. Which is FINE WITH ME. But I will never get the picture out of my head of me sitting there in the dentist’s chair with my tongue running amok! How embarassing.

  • 12. guinness girl  |  January 16th, 2007 at 12:03 pm

    OWWWW. Poor you! I bet wine will make it all feel better.

  • 13. Claire  |  January 16th, 2007 at 12:41 pm

    but… you’re supposed to get Vicodin for every dental procedure, aren’t you?

    gah, what a world we live in. shame.

  • 14. jonniker  |  January 16th, 2007 at 1:57 pm

    Ish: I’m going to look into them! I did change insoles since, so hopefully that will help.

    Rhea: AHAHAHAHAHA, extra money to the dentist. Good idea in theory, but given that I paid them $900 out of pocket for this delightful little procedure, I may endure the smoking gums again next time. Dental insurance is a sham. A sham, I tell you! Given that they only cover 50% of crowns, unless you want to go the all-silver grill route.

  • 15. Jhianna  |  January 16th, 2007 at 2:01 pm

    Ohmigod and I have to have two crowns at some point. I’m asking to be knocked out. I don’t care how it has to happen, but I’m not gonna make it through THAT.

  • 16. jonniker  |  January 16th, 2007 at 2:04 pm

    Jhianna: The gum-shaving apparently doesn’t happen to everyone, or even most people. I’m told it was a combination of my solder-happy dentist and the location of the crown. My mother had *four* crowns put on her front teeth, and had no such similar experience. Fear not! I think you could make it through if you had a Valium before hand. Next time, that’s what I’m doing (if there is a next time. Ugh.)

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