Intuition
January 16th, 2007
Our local Quiznos has been shipping some poor soul out to the corner of the shopping plaza wearing a giant bean-shaped screen that screams “GET TOASTY” and every day I think I’m having a bad day at work or otherwise, I just think, seriously, I could be getting toasty right now on the corner of Pebblebrook Parkway and the 405. So shut up, just shut your toasty piehole, because life isn’t that bad. Not that I had a bad day today, because I didn’t, it’s just that it’s nice to know that the toasty man is there to remind me of how bad things could get. They could get toasty!
Although speaking of toasty, holy hell, it’s toasty as, well, a Quiznos sub at the moment, and my last walk with Sunny (where I half hobbled, being overly ambitious) was an endeavor in sweat, though that was likely due more to reasons related to the extended effort it takes to walk like a semi-normal person, although that did not stop my mulch-neighbor from hollering, “IS THAT YOU? SERIOUSLY IS THAT YOU?” I could only guess that I was supposed to be the “you” she was seeking, as confirmed when she approached and screeched, “What the hell is wrong with you? You’re walking like…like…Quazimoticus, I mean Quasi…Quasi…YOU KNOW.”
Quiznomoticus, maybe, would have been even better, to complete the toasty trifecta. Or bifecta. Or whatever.
This reminded me, by the way, of one of the pitfalls of being a written word person vs. an oral one. I mean, in the vocabulary sense, not the…whatever. Oral isn’t a dirty word, and yet…it is. It is! And once again I am reminded how utterly ridiculous it is that I will gleefully toss around the c-word like it’s water, but I am afraid to say perfectly normal every day words like ‘moist’ and ‘oral’ because they sound dirty. Because I am apparently from Victorian times, when women don’t show their ankles or use napkins. (OMG, napkins.)
Anyway, the written vs. oral thing has resulted in some very serious mispronunciations that make me cringe, such as clandestine. For the longest time, I thought that clandestine was pronounced “CLAN-destine” instead of the appropriate “Clan-DES-tine.” As in, I was probably close to 30 when I pieced that one together, after I actually mispronounced it in front of my parents who thought I was joking when I used it, like it was some kind of intentional mispronunciation or God forbid, a malaprop. Because, if you can believe it, it would appear that although I knew the correct spelling and usage of the word, no one in my life had apparently ever said it aloud, and neither had I. Although it’s more likely than not that I used it around other people who were either too polite or too amused to say otherwise, and that kind of gives me the oral heebs (um, oral heebs? My God.)
It is, however, a major improvement over the first time I did this, when I was 12 and kept saying “eppy-SKOP-al” to describe an Episcopal priest. Episcopalians, of course, were “Eppy-skop-ALIENS.” This revelation, by the way, was shocking enough to me that I remember it to this day, and I almost started crying at the clandestine conversation just thinking about it, and also, how many times have I done this in my adult life and had no idea? Many. I’m guessing many. And the humiliation isn’t over, of this I’m sure, given that I read a lot more than I talk, and mispronunciations lurk around the corner of every conversation.
“Homage” is another one I didn’t figure out until early-20s or so, and although for the life of me I can’t remember what I thought it was (“home-age” maybe, with a strong ‘h’ sound?) I do know that there wasn’t any oh-MAJZH bullshit coming out of my petite little lips. Wow, that was a bad phonetic attempt, but suffice it to say that I do, thankfully, know how to pronounce it now, and if I didn’t, Ilan uses it enough on Top Chef that you’d have to be dead not to pick up on it (though thankfully, I am not attempting a Kraft Italian dressing foam, and I’m not accenting quite in his snootypants way. And I’m wondering when he’s going to figure out that maybe having a girlfriend isn’t best for him, and perhaps he has a thing for Sam? Because everyone should have a thing for Sam. Because Sam is hot.)
This is a long way of saying, among other things, that people – and there are about 30 every day – who come here looking for the correct pronunciation of Jean Patou’s Fracas are really coming to the wrong place.
In other news, there is a wild frenzy here as we prepare for the visit from Schnozz, and that I am both excited and extremely nervous because I’m nerdy like that, and she might hear my snoring from two bedrooms over and write about it on the Internet. So here it is! A preemptive strike: I snore and I am not neat, and my favorite snack is peanut butter and apples, except I mix a little honey and I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter into the peanut butter to smooth it out. And Schnozz is hot. It’s all out there, before it even happens.
And we’re still on Motrin and steroids, so it’s not like it’s a barrel of excitement ’round here. I hope you have a great Wednesday.
*Jewel, in honor of her American Idol guest appearance tonight (an homage! Sort of!) that confirmed that she may very well be among the top 5 of People I’d Most Like to Punch. And no, no I don’t own this song.
Entry Filed under: Nuttin'
37 Comments Add your own
1. Schnozz | January 16th, 2007 at 10:46 pm
Calling me hot is exactly the sort of preemptive strike I can’t stay angry about.
I promise not to write about your snoring if you promise not to write about the oppressive body odor that rolls off me in waves, forcing me to use the Internet to make friends so that by the time I show up at their house, it’s too late and they have to spend time with me.
It helps to hide the gagging with fake coughs, if you were wondering.
2. vague | January 17th, 2007 at 1:43 am
Don’t feel bad; when I was a kid, I thought “Albuquerque” was “al -BOOK-er-ook.” Not to mention, er, someone I knew in grad school (like, totally not me) who said “hegemony” like HEDGE-a-moe-nee. I also may have called “homage” “HOMM-edge.”
Oh, I cringe.
I hope your foot feels better — I have had many a foot injury from running with my incompetent flat feet. The sports medicine people at my school gym are great with the ultrasound massage: check it out if you have a place nearby that offers that. (It sounds weird, but is basically just a hot massage with a pinch of magic. Not weird at all.)
3. Allison | January 17th, 2007 at 5:15 am
Jewel. UGH. Can’t stand her. How in the world could she accuse someone of having too much “pitchiness”? Yeah, she’s not pitchy at all.
My word is monotonous. Moan-o-toan-us. Yes.
4. aly | January 17th, 2007 at 6:10 am
Photosynthesis. I vividly remember trying to pronounce this in my 7th grade science class and BOY DID I FAIL MISERABLY. I could define it! And explain the process! I KNOW WHAT IT IS! The teacher just sadly shook her head at me and moved on.
Most of the words I cannot pronounce come from the Lord of the Rings books and/or are cities. It’s miserable. (And? I spent a good portion of the LOTR trilogy being very confused).
Even worse is if someone asks me to clarify about which city am I talking about and I say something about New Zealand being near Ireland.
5. Claire | January 17th, 2007 at 6:44 am
Thank you, Jonna. Sam IS hot. Huh. I knew there was something there.. (is he hot? hmm, i don’t know if it’s hot.. but maybe hot?) Yes! hot! Ok.
My sad mispronunciation: Deter. Little word, but big mistake. “DEET-er” instead of “de-TERR” until my early 20′s. Because i’m sad like that. I don’t know what i was thinking until my mother heard me say it one day and was all “What? What did you just say?”. She’s a teacher, so that kind of thing made her worry about me.
6. Sadie | January 17th, 2007 at 7:14 am
This is a hysterical thread that only prolific readers might identify with, but I am one of those and so I relate. A word which I have read and know the correct spelling and usage of, but still stumble over and/or am unsure of the pronunciation:
Brazen (s it brah-zen? bray-zen? I don’t know!)
see also: Anonymity (every bone in my body wants me to say “uh-NON-im-ity” but I know it’s “ANN-on-im-ity”)
and now I am nervous about ‘homage.’ Really, how should you say it? I’ve been saying “om – idge.” Is this dead wrong? Oh God!!
7. Heather B. | January 17th, 2007 at 7:53 am
I can pronounce homage perfectly fine as well as most words. But ennui. Can’t do it. No clue. But I sweat that word the way Marcel sweats foam. So that’s a lot of usage.
Also let’s say that there’s a huge vat of chocolate ganache and Sam is over there whipping it up making it all whipped like and creamy (which is a really disturbing word) as ganache is supposed to be. So he’s doing that and there I’d be about to jump him. Because the hotness is overwhelming even depsite the watermelon gnnochi malfunction.
Have fun with Schnozz. It’s been fun ‘seeing’ her through other’s blogs, which is probably stalking or something, but whatever.
8. jonniker | January 17th, 2007 at 7:53 am
Sadie, I think you’re fine as long as you’re not doing what I was doing, which was probably HOME-idge. My phonetic read-out above is more a nod to Ilan’s PERPETUAL use of the word, where he accents the pants off of it by saying it like “fromage,” kind of like how people sometimes really like to say “filet mignon” like it’s something VERY VERY SPECIAL.
9. guinness girl | January 17th, 2007 at 9:05 am
OMG. I SO know how you feel. Imagine, if you will, 15-year-old little me at a clandestine (ha) party on the beach (where all us high-schoolers used to go, hidden between sand dunes that are no longer there thanks to the hurricanes, whenever someone got ahold of some wine coolers and/or Old Milwaukee Light. Shudder), with some older acquaintances – one of whom was my ultimate crush. Said acquaintances begin doing “whip-its” and offering them to me. Because I am, and always have been, a nerd, I refused and said that they were dangerous. When asked what could happen, all I could remember having read about them was “they can make you impotent!” Of course, I neither knew what impotent meant at the time nor, unfortunately, how to pronounce it – which is how I mortified myself because I basically said “im-PO-tent”. Gack.
10. -R- | January 17th, 2007 at 9:42 am
I mispronounce regular words when I get nervous. Usually during meetings with important clients because I am cool like that. I like to think it really impresses them.
11. Yez | January 17th, 2007 at 9:48 am
Heather B: “On NWEE”
Jonniker: Jef still says THESS-au-rus! Even scarier, now he has me saying it :-\
12. Andrea | January 17th, 2007 at 10:56 am
My biggest mispronunciation faux pas was when I was about 13 and I said “rick-OCK-ett-ed” instead of “RICK-oh-SHAY” after my sister said she liked the way ricochet was spelled and pronounced. I also may have said other stupid things, like trying to describe a really vibrant red as “jet red” thinking it works for jet black so why not red?
I am dumb. And not even toasty. But I would never have the chance to say ricochet aloud, since bullets don’t fly by me on a regular basis like they did in the books I used to read. Although my pronunciation of it sounds dirtier than the correct way, much like how oral is dirty but not. And I too cannot say moist in any context. (It’s even hard to type.) Also, for some reason, petrie dish gets on my nerves the way moist does, too. I also had a teacher who really liked to say petrie dish in an overly exaggerated articulation, which was worse than nails on a chalkboard. Ugh.
13. Suebob | January 17th, 2007 at 11:50 am
I am sure the faux pas are too many to admit. Most have some religious overtone, since we never talked religion at home:
Biblical – Bib-ILL-i-cal
Calvary – Cavalry, of course
Lourdes – Lords
Sam is hot, though I fear he is a bit cranky. Maybe after a couple beers he would unfurrow his ever-concerned brow and shake his groove thing.
Ilan – If he isn’t gay, he should be, because seriously, what gay guy wouldn’t love a name like Ilan?
I had a Mystery Foot Ailment for about 3 months and would walk around exclaiming “Why do they make grocery stores so big? And why do they put the milk and yogurt at the back?” Now I realize that these are the exact things my 80 year old mom says. Except not the yogurt – she doesn’t eat it.
14. Leah | January 17th, 2007 at 12:14 pm
The hands-down smartest person I know (a bonafide genius he is), mispronounces just about everything that could be mispronounced, and then he does it to words that have never been mispronounced in the history of the world ever.
And now, a story: We were talking about the Gift of the Magi in my upper-level college English course, and the prof was saying “MAJ-eye,” as you would expect. At one point, a girl raised her hand to tell us that she had never heard it pronounced that way, that she thought it was “MAG-EE.” But the best part, which I still laugh about today, was that when she said “pronunciate,” she said “pro-NOUNCE-iate” and the professor did the most noble job ever of keeping a straight face as the world’s hugest repressed snicker floated over the room. You just can’t make that stuff up.
15. no name slob | January 17th, 2007 at 12:36 pm
I stumble over “palatable” every damn time. I so want to say “puh-LAT-uh-bull,” so there’s always a micro-pause while I get my shit together before speaking. It should be easy, since, duh, the root word is “PAL-uht,” not “puh-LAT.” And yet I struggle. The one thing I find amusing about this is that saying “puh-LAT-uh-bull” actually makes the sound of the word much less pleasant and therefore rather unpalatable.
16. Amanda | January 17th, 2007 at 12:45 pm
Minutiae. I don’t know how to pronounce it. Please help.
17. sam | January 17th, 2007 at 1:24 pm
Jewel is a sellout and a snot. I don’t like her on my show! Boo!
18. rhea | January 17th, 2007 at 1:55 pm
minestrone
I’ve rarely ordered it because whenever I look at it I get all flustered. (myne-strone – rhymes with stone)
placate
I always pronounced this play-sayt (no wonder no one ever knew what I was referring to) and only made the connection a few years ago.
19. Jamie | January 17th, 2007 at 1:55 pm
I mispronounced “jicama” until last year at dinner with friends, where they very politely corrected me, then proceeded to attempt to hold in their laughter, fail, then bust out in gales of laughter. About a damn salad topper.
20. Mauigirl52 | January 17th, 2007 at 4:07 pm
I totally identify with the “clandestine” problem. I used to read all of those Georgette Heyer Regency romance books when I was about 12 or 13 and the women were always have clandestine meetings with the men they fell for. Or clandestine marriages – they would run away to Gretna Green on the Scottish border. And I too thought it was CLAN-dest-ine.
I’m sure there are a number of other words like that but they are escaping me now!
21. Suebob | January 17th, 2007 at 7:45 pm
Oh, my friend, Univ of Michigan Law, Law Review (editorial board!!) pronounces fecund “fee-soooond.” And he is one of the geniusest geniuses I know.
22. metalia | January 17th, 2007 at 8:04 pm
Panacea is my Achilles’ heel; it was not until college that I learned it was “panna-SEE-uh” and not “pan-AY-sha.” Even now, I sometimes look at it, and think, “Really? THAT’S how it’s pronounced?!”
23. Leah | January 17th, 2007 at 10:59 pm
Also, my dad cannot say “heffeweizen” and Simon once laughed at the way I said “boatswain,” but come on, that’s a tricky one.
24. Jennifer | January 18th, 2007 at 8:41 am
A few years ago I read about a study that said that early readers tend to mispronounce more words than later readers…. so see, mispronunciation is a sign of early intelligence! (okay, that is my own spin, to make myself feel better!) The researchers thought this was due to some children learning to read before they were taught the rules of pronunciation and when the children were too young to have been exposed to some of the vocabulary orally.
25. sarah | January 18th, 2007 at 9:52 am
My word was facade. It wasn’t until my mid twenties that I realized that it was not pronounced fac-aid…
26. Sadie | January 18th, 2007 at 1:03 pm
Amanda, I can’t just leave you hanging.
Minutaie. Good one. It is pronounced like this:
“min-oo-sha.” No, really.
27. Leah | January 18th, 2007 at 1:10 pm
Actually, while “minutia” (singular) is pronouned like Sadie said, the plural, “minutiae” is “min-OO-shee-eye”, “min-OO-shy”, or the perplexing “min-OO-shee-ee.” That’s a Latin degree at work for ya.
28. jonniker | January 18th, 2007 at 1:20 pm
I’m dying. DYING. Because, dude, I did not even discuss the pronunciation, because all I could think was: what if I”m wrong? WHAT THEN? And the clandestine scenario washed over me all over again.
Sadie and Leah: you are very brave.
29. orooni | January 18th, 2007 at 4:02 pm
Mine was unison, which I pronounced as “you-nee-shun.” (And I still have to think about it before I say it.)
Also, I had no idea how to pronounce “heinous.” And once, reading aloud to a class, I mispronounced “ignoramus.” Oh, the irony almost killed me.
30. Yez | January 18th, 2007 at 7:57 pm
OMG I forgot my worst one. I read the word “tedious” aloud in class (maybe 5th grade?) as “TESH-us”.
31. Leah | January 19th, 2007 at 2:54 pm
Ooh! I read the word “organism” out loud in 7th grade science class and said “orgasm.” I died right there at the tender age of 12.
(I’m not brave; I have a close relationship with a dictionary.)
32. Cover Your Mouth | January 19th, 2007 at 9:28 pm
Listen, I had to pronounce the word “ennui” in a writing class the other day while reading aloud someone else’s short story and totally f**ked it up and it pretty much ruined my week. I wanted to just stop reading and say “okay, I just want you all to know that I’ve read the word “ennui” a thousand times and I totally know exactly what it means, but I have no f**king clue how to say it, so don’t judge me.” I said “in-yoo-ee”. It’s “on-wee”. Dammit.
33. Waspgoddess | January 21st, 2007 at 12:04 pm
And here I was thinking all native English speakers instinctively knew how to pronounce even the most impossible words. I’m so relieved.
btw — http://www.answers.com has been my saviour many times, they have a great feature that lets you listen to recording of anything from ennui to homage.
Great post
34. hello insomnia | January 21st, 2007 at 12:44 pm
When I finally went to Japan I was so excited to practice what I had learned in high school. In the first small store I went to, I read all the Kanji out loud. I picked up a square shaped plastic thing and ended up pronouncing “LARGE CONDOM” in Japanese. I don’t know what the word is for big-mouthed hoe, but I’m sure that was what the other customers were thinking.
35. gamonie | April 11th, 2007 at 12:12 pm
I haven’t gotten much done these days. So it goes. What can I say? I’ve just been letting everything pass me by. Basically not much going on lately, but it’s not important. I’ve basically been doing nothing worth mentioning.
36. Jonniker. » Comfort&hellip | November 26th, 2007 at 8:19 pm
[...] And the thing is, I mean it. I’m flattered when people feel comfortable enough to say something dumb, ask a stupid question, admit that they thought that monotonous was pronounced moan-a-tonus (sorry, Allison, it’s just too good, I can’t get over it! I can’t! I LOVE IT! I dream about it!) Hell, I’m flattered when people feel at ease enough around me to fart around me, because they know I won’t judge them, although I may ask you to roll down the window, if you don’t mind. [...]
37. Gay Incest Old Gay Men Ga&hellip | May 5th, 2008 at 10:41 pm
Gay Incest Old Gay Men Gay Male Galleries…
I can not agree with you in 100% regarding some thoughts, but you got good point of view…
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