99 Problems

I’m not really sure how or why to explain the overwhelming excitement I have, once again, at the new television season that picks up in January. I’m also quite certain that this means that despite my best efforts, I haven’t managed to pick up an actual life that means that I don’t need to rely on the television for vicarious entertainment. That being said, I couldn’t care less about Studio 60 anymore, and I’m not sure I ever did, because a) I find it patronizing, and b) I have very little interest in the insider politics that surround network television, but, I’m also not a fan of introducing an assload of romance to the scene, and when I look forward to new television for weeks! And weeks! I expect a little more than a glorified snorefest/sendup of network television fraught with condescension and tinged with just enough romance to allegedly interest those of us they believe are too dumb to really get it. Oh, I get it all right. I GET IT. I just don’t like it, Aaron. And I’m not sure I like you. Seriously, it’s insulting.

Apropos of nothing, I’ve gained and lost a total of 18 pounds in the last few days, and I’m still dropping about 2 pounds a day. I recognize that sounds upsetting and weird and completely unhealthy, and if you’d asked me any other time, I’d have told you, hell yes, I’m bloody terrified, and also, might have a tapeworm, or maybe a wicked stomach flu, and hoo boy, it’s unpleasant to poop all the time, even in my chair at work! Really!

That’s not what’s happening, obviously, or I’d be in a set of Depends right now, and extolling the wonders that are Desitin and baby wipes. It’s that the steroids I was on last week caused me to…plump up, shall we say, and I honestly hadn’t even noticed appearance-wise, but I certainly noticed that by last Monday, exactly one pair of my pants fit, and seeing as I was exercising and eating healthy, it was a weird thing. And so, hey, I weighed myself and promptly fell over, because the numbers on the scale were higher than any number I’d ever seen in my entire life, relatively speaking, and suddenly it all made sense why small children would cower behind their parents’ knees and the ground shook as I drew nearer. I’m sure the meatloaf I made didn’t help (Dude, I made meatloaf and it was awesome, and I cannot believe it, I JUST CAN’T BELIEVE IT), but really, what seems like a 25 pound weight gain and subsequent loss in about a week is a bit…shocking, to say the least, and I haven’t decided yet if the rapid gain or the rapid loss was more surprising, because waking up every day and seeing the scale dropping from 2-5 pounds every morning was just as upsetting, because really, where is it going? How is it leaving my body? Am I sweating it out? Pooping it out? Where is it? It’s like a game now. My guess is that the highish doses of steroids caused me to gain a small truckload of water weight, and anyone with an ounce of insight is welcome to let me know their thoughts, because again, it’s creepalicious, because I’d never been on oral steroids before. (Not Fergalicious! And I ain’t promiscuous! Someone stop me! And I said oral again!)

However, the fact that I’m starting to be able to wear pants that don’t have an elastic waistband is a major plus, and in that respect, I’m not complaining.

Finally, I have a confession to make, and I know I’m not alone in this. Flickr sometimes makes me uncomfortable. More specifically, some Flickr self-portraits make me uncomfortable. I am mystified by the wild Flickr phenomenon, and am even more baffled by some self-portraits, and though there are lots and lots of people who do them well (and if I know and like you and have you as a contact, chances are I haven’t even given this a second thought, so we can just squelch the paranoia right here and now, and some of my contacts do them, and do them well, I swear), there are many who just make me feel like I’m intruding on some kind of private moment, and not in a good way. And while that might be the point, and maybe it displays my own discomfort with my smiling (or pouting in a seductive manner, perhaps) face in front of a camera or maybe my complete lack of knowledge for all things photography, I’m still a little oogy about it, for reasons unknown. Although I’m sure those reasons have something to do with taking yourself seriously, which I am incapable of doing, for better or for worse.

And it’s totally my issue, not the issue of the rogue Flickrer, I realize this. I realize there are lots and lots of people who think that blogging is the most self-absorbed thing on the planet and that this whole thing is a giant trainwreck (hee!), and who on earth would want to write to work things out? And they might be right. And just as they can’t imagine writing a lot of the time, I can’t imagine thinking of whipping out a camera at some of my most, ah, intimate moments, and more to the point, I can’t imagine having the time, but for those who do, I tip my hat to you, because I am too clueless and gutless to fathom it. And I promise, I’m not judging, but good god damn, the Flickr gives me the heebs sometimes. It probably speaks to some sort of deep-seated discomfort I have with my nose or something. Or maybe just my desire not to see people pouting at the camera like there is some sort of photographer named Hans screaming, “GIVE ME ZE SEXAY” when really it’s just them.

ETA: I’m not talking about all self-portraits, so if you have one, or if you’ve got photos of yourself on your sidebar or anywhere, I swear, I’m not talking about you, and I LIKE seeing what you look like! And even if you do self-portraits, I’m not necessarily referring to you – I like the 365 project, for example. Well, provided that you aren’t staring seductively at the camera or making your camera-face that involves some kind of pout that is not found in nature. I guess I’m thinking specifically of a…a…special breed of self-portraiture.

*JayZ of course. And I don’t really have 99 problems, or even one problem, and a bitch ain’t one, that’s for sure. Instead, I am very, very tired and don’t feel like finding something more appropriate.

20 comments January 22nd, 2007