Is It Any Wonder?
January 23rd, 2007
Day three of the Great Swimming Experiment yielded new irrational concerns. What if I get swimmer’s shoulders? I don’t think I’m ready to have armpits that can crush walnuts, as convenient as that might be for all that nut-eating I dream of doing with my new body. I mean, running didn’t breed concerns of monster thighs, but with all the breast-stroking, I’m not sure what I’m going to do if I suddenly get big, broad shoulders and my husband calls me Helga.
Separately, I went to the gynecologist today, which was a thrill a minute, given that you lounge around in a paper robe while some dude feels you up then sticks his fingers in your hoo-ha. I actually really like my gynecologist, all things considered, but that’s probably not saying much, given that my first ob/gyn used to smoke while he took my vital signs, never used a nurse while he did the sensitive bits of the exam and later hanged himself in his living room because it came out that he had a cocaine problem and was $400K in debt to loan sharks. Strangely, I liked him too, but mostly because he was hot. We can dissect the implications of that at another time.
Anyway, you know, because I only really go to the gyn once a year unless there’s a problem, he gave me a pregnancy checklist just in case I get pregnant before next year’s exam. And then I hyperventilated and almost fainted and barely even noticed when he stuck his fingers in places I’d rather he didn’t, because GOD, I was walking out of there with a pregnancy checklist. It didn’t help that five seconds after he handed it over, he asked where I was in my cycle (Day 11) and then he brayed like a donkey and announced, “So basically, you’re ovulating RIGHT THIS MINUTE, and could get pregnant TONIGHT. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.”
And then I shot him.
I made that last part up. But I will say I’ve all but worn a plastic bubble over my entire body tonight, and if Ad so much as brushed up against me, I ran away and ate something smelly or farted or picked my nose or something. Brussels sprouts and eggs have been popular choices. Because I have a pregnancy checklist and I am actually afraid to use it.
And finally, because God, the oversharing has to end, my nephew got an assignment at school that required him to write about a story that has been passed down through the family. Instead of choosing, I don’t know, the time his grandparents emigrated from Italy or something, he opted to write, in that clunky prose that only 9 year-old boys can muster, about the time his Uncle Ad got really drunk in college and stole a billboard and got busted by his R.A. The closing line of the essay is “My uncle does a lot of wacky, bad things.”
We’re so proud.
*Keane
Entry Filed under: Nuttin'
25 Comments Add your own
1. -R- | January 23rd, 2007 at 8:48 pm
What the heck is a pregnancy checklist? If you check everything on the list off, do you then get pregnant? Or is it a list of signs that you might be pregnant? I have a lot of questions for you lately. Sorry!
I LOVE the story that has been passed down in your family. Your nephew is hilarious.
2. jonniker | January 23rd, 2007 at 8:54 pm
R: The pregnancy checklist includes the types of folic acid supplements to take post-haste, when to call the doctor, when you can start thinking about traveling, what signs to look out for if you’re worried something is wrong, etc. Is basically all the stuff you would wonder, I guess, if you got pregnant and couldn’t get a doctor’s appointment for a week. It also includes some super-obvious material like “Stop smoking. Put down the vodka.” and so forth.
I forgot to mention that as a precursor to this whole pregnancy checklist, I am now scheduled for a colonoscopy and a mammogram. I mean, really. A pap smear, a colonoscopy and a mammogram. The trifecta of misery.
3. Janssen | January 23rd, 2007 at 8:59 pm
Man, I love that last line of your nephew’s essay. SO awesome.
4. Meepers | January 23rd, 2007 at 11:48 pm
Ahh yes, the Checklist; part hysterical absurdity (STOP EATING THAT SOFT CHEESE NOW OR YERR PRESHOUS BAAAYBEE WILL BE BORN WITH A DENTED HEAD) and part common sense (“Having a regular excercise program in place is a good idea”).
If I had a 9 year old nephew doing that essay, here are some probable topics he could use:
-Times my greatgrandmother had kids (13? 14?)
-Times she killed a goose with her BARE Hands: 1
-Times my grandpa hitchhiked to/from Montana/California (2) and ended up at some sort of hippie-rave thing (1)
-Times my aunt stole a street sign and brought it to aunt Maya’s house while she was high/drunk: 1
Family. In a way, that’s what your whole post was about. In a way.
5. Nothing But Bonfires | January 24th, 2007 at 12:35 am
Dude, I think I got pregnant just READING this. That’s how fertile you are right now.
6. Schnozz | January 24th, 2007 at 12:44 am
SCHNOZZ’S PREGNANCY CHECKLIST
1. Have sex.
7. Sadie | January 24th, 2007 at 7:17 am
my insides are hurty.
I thought you didn’t have to get colonoscopies til you were like 40. Mammograms too, as long as there’s no high family incidence of breast cancer (thanks to my mom’s, aunt’s, and grandmother’s faulty breasts I get to start having the boob-squash at 30! thanks, family).
But um, good for you for being proactive and stuff.
Your first OB/GYN sounded pretty cool, frankly. Like a Don-Johnson in Miami Vice kind of cool. Did he wear white blazers with colored t-shirts under them while he did your exam?
8. Lawyerish | January 24th, 2007 at 7:26 am
If I didn’t know you, I would so think you made up the thing about your former gyno. I mean, seriously?
Also: I have to admit that I am only comfortable with woman gynos. I’m always, I don’t know, mildly surprised when people go to men gynos. And for some reason, the guy smoking during your exam — sans nurse, no less — drives home why. But whatever works for you, obviously…
9. jonniker | January 24th, 2007 at 9:12 am
Sadie: That is true about colonoscopies. My father had colon cancer at a very young age, which is why I am supposed to start now. He survived, incidentally, as that’s usually the second question people ask. He was very lucky.
As for the mammogram, that was actually really interesting. He said to start now, because I would be having kids after 32 or so, and he’d like to have a baseline of my girls first (Although I do have a family history of that, too). I guess he said women who start having kids older usually miss mammograms until they are way past the time they should get a baseline, because they have one kid at 32, a second at 36, and before you know it, they’re 40 and have a problem and no baseline. I don’t know, honestly, but off I go to have my boob squashed into a slide! I can’t wait.
Lawyerish: I KNOW. I tell my mother all the time that I cannot BELIEVE we went to him for as long as we did. In retrospect, it sounds so freakin’ bizarre, but everyone who went to him loved him, despite how unorthodox he was. But seriously, he was a great doctor, at least in bedside manner, etc. He was always accessible, always helpful and so nice and ah, very hot.
However, once he killed himself, all of the strange behavior started to make a hell of a lot more sense, especially the smoking in the office thing. My mother will regale you with the multiple times he offered her a cigarette in the exam room, because he knew she smoked. Also, the nurse thing never occurred to me until years later, and I’m not sure if that was a requirement back then.
10. rosie | January 24th, 2007 at 11:07 am
My doctor is young and hot too and that’s why I’m trying to find ANOTHER. I just can’t deal with it.
Now, my lady parts doctor is another story. I have never seen a man gyno and I don’t think I ever will. I know, I’ve got issues.
11. Amanda | January 24th, 2007 at 11:39 am
Your mom smokes? Somehow I can’t picture it.
I, thankfully, have a petite woman gyno with delicately small fingers. Makes for nice(r) cervical exams.
12. guinness girl | January 24th, 2007 at 12:16 pm
Somehow, I think it’s better that the gyno smoked during your exam. Well, better, that is, than if he smoked AFTER it. Shudder.
I’m impressed you knew you were on Day 11. I never have a clue. Even though I take THe Pill. No fucking clue.
13. jonniker | January 24th, 2007 at 12:22 pm
Amanda: My mom doesn’t smoke anymore. It’s been years since she had, but yep, she did for a fair amount while I was growing up. I smoked, too. Sometimes I miss it. But if you met me, you would find this fact to be very surprising, as I am very goody two-shoes in person.
14. Christine | January 24th, 2007 at 1:14 pm
I think it is hilarious that you went to a gyno that smoked during the exam, til you get to the point of him killing himself. So bizarre. And $400K in debt is one hell of a coke habit. Sweet Jebus.
15. Jamie | January 24th, 2007 at 1:53 pm
AAAAHHH, Sadie! I thought I was the only one who regularly used the word “hurty.” Hilarious!
Umm, and I have a gyn appt. on Monday. I’m personally dreading the conversation where I inform him that I’m back-to-backing my birth control pills in order to avoid my period on vacation in 3 weeks. He’ll probably yell at me. Fantastic. Good thing he’s not hot.
16. jes | January 24th, 2007 at 1:57 pm
Please post the Pregnancy Checklist, as we all want to be prepared with you.
Also, I made a trip to the gyno two weeks ago, for the very same reason as you (Day 28), but it was much less entertaining. I do believe I would have rather had your experience than my own.
17. Em | January 24th, 2007 at 3:16 pm
Jamie: I did the back-to-back pill thing for two years!! It worked (obviously), so if your doc gives you a hard time, find another one!
Especially, if he’s not even cute to begin with.
My preference is lady doctors as well.
18. Corinne | January 24th, 2007 at 4:26 pm
Hmm…instead of the pregnancy checklist, I had the “you could switch from the pill to an IUD” conversation at my last visit.
I obviously don’t plan on ovulating anytime soon.
19. Melissa | January 24th, 2007 at 5:34 pm
Still penduluming between “I want children now” and “oh, please no.” but I might ask my (non-smoking, though who knows what he does when all the hoo-has are checked for the day) ob/gyn for a checklist next time. Doesn’t hurt to be prepared …
20. Melissa | January 24th, 2007 at 5:37 pm
And this made me nod my head in a very well-of-course way: ” … so much as brushed up against me, I ran away and ate something smelly or farted or picked my nose or something.”
21. metalia | January 24th, 2007 at 7:34 pm
I can’t believe I’m going to ask this again, but I must…is it the same nephew of the fish/worm tale and the story I have now come to think of as The Truth About Santa?!
I have a hottie OB/GYN, too! I sincerely hope mine isn’t a suicidal coke addict, because like I said: hot.
22. jonniker | January 24th, 2007 at 8:09 pm
Metalia: No. NO! It’s his brother. Both, however, are my sister’s kids. Ad and I strive to shape young minds, one small child at a time. She’s thrilled, I’m sure.
23. Debbie in the UK | January 25th, 2007 at 1:08 am
I am going to see Keane in concert next month!
24. Suebob | January 25th, 2007 at 9:33 am
I wrote a Brilliant Comment yesterday, complete with Amusing Anecdote, but the comment box dealie said I had entered the wrong security code ( I hadn’t! Honest!) and wiped out my post.
Boo.
25. Heather B. | January 25th, 2007 at 12:14 pm
Uh, too much talk of pregnancy here. I’ll come back in about 10 years.
I practically feel myself getting pregnant just by being here.
Make it stop.
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