Bigmouth Strikes Again

Our dog has had a rough week(ish). On Tuesday, she was leaking stuff all over the house, which forced me to bring her in to have her anal glands emptied (delicious!) which, while irritating, no doubt gave her a great deal of relief. Today, however, was much less relieving, given that the cat scratched her eyeball out, rendering her unable to see and clearly in a great deal of pain, as there was whimpering. Oh the whimpering. And the rapid blinking and squinting. The poor baby. It also meant that we had to sit in a waiting room with Rufus, who had an uncontrollable case of diarrhea. So…

Does anyone want a cat? Free shipping!

I mean, it’s kind of hard to have sympathy for an animal that scratched the eyeball out of an innocent little scrunchy-faced tootsie pop (who comes running at the word “mommy,” which melts my heart, which means I’m toast when we have actual children who speak and understand the meanings of actual words) and forced us to sit for 30 minutes with the unbearable stench and mess of another dog’s loose bowels. Not to mention the fact that she was apparently thisclose to being blinded and – AND! – as an added bonus, we’re now forced to stick a series of ointments into her eye every three hours, which is fun for the whole family.

So you know, if you want a cat, he’s yours.

Kidding!

(Sort of.)

(Okay, not really.)

(Any takers?)

I desperately needed a break from writing and thinking about sororities, because I was starting to have flashbacks that were giving me eye twitches, which are not unlike the kind I get when I smell Clairol Herbal Essences, which was the shampoo I used for the majority of college. Twitchy!

And speaking of shampoo, I have to scream from the rooftops that Matrix Amplify is not only the greatest smelling shampoo on the earth, but it has honestly nearly eliminated the need for me to blow dry. I know! But the volume! The astonishing, fresh-smelling volume!

Also, in the vein of completely random, unrelated factoids that no one cares about, did you know that I have no idea how to flush a toilet? Apparently I am incapable of flushing any of the toilets in our house without either a) clogging them, even with, ah, number one and a reasonable amount of toilet paper; or b) leaving them to run until they’ve used all the water in three counties. This does not happen when Ad uses a toilet. Am I flushing too violently? Am I a little too excited to see it all go bye bye? We can’t decide, but I’ll tell you, my husband is none too pleased about it.

And finally, a moment of humiliation from this past week. I was shopping for flip flops when a tall blonde cut me off in line. A tall, familiar blonde. A tall, familiar, gorgeous blonde, and since I was deep in college nostalgia, after she apologized, I announced (why?):

“I totally know you. Did we go to college together? High school? It’s killing me!”

And so on. And about halfway through the second or third statement, I realized what an idiot I am, just before she informed me kindly why she was probably so familiar.

“Um, did you ever watch The Bachelor? I was on The Bachelor, and I get that a lot.”

She was a contestant from many, many seasons ago, not someone I knew in COLLEGE. I knew her from a REALITY SHOW, and apparently, I cannot distinguish television from reality. The non-television kind. And also, I am apparently so old that I can’t place anyone, anywhere.

Awesome.

*The Smiths

14 comments February 11th, 2007