Bigmouth Strikes Again
February 11th, 2007
Our dog has had a rough week(ish). On Tuesday, she was leaking stuff all over the house, which forced me to bring her in to have her anal glands emptied (delicious!) which, while irritating, no doubt gave her a great deal of relief. Today, however, was much less relieving, given that the cat scratched her eyeball out, rendering her unable to see and clearly in a great deal of pain, as there was whimpering. Oh the whimpering. And the rapid blinking and squinting. The poor baby. It also meant that we had to sit in a waiting room with Rufus, who had an uncontrollable case of diarrhea. So…
Does anyone want a cat? Free shipping!
I mean, it’s kind of hard to have sympathy for an animal that scratched the eyeball out of an innocent little scrunchy-faced tootsie pop (who comes running at the word “mommy,” which melts my heart, which means I’m toast when we have actual children who speak and understand the meanings of actual words) and forced us to sit for 30 minutes with the unbearable stench and mess of another dog’s loose bowels. Not to mention the fact that she was apparently thisclose to being blinded and – AND! – as an added bonus, we’re now forced to stick a series of ointments into her eye every three hours, which is fun for the whole family.
So you know, if you want a cat, he’s yours.
Kidding!
(Sort of.)
(Okay, not really.)
(Any takers?)
I desperately needed a break from writing and thinking about sororities, because I was starting to have flashbacks that were giving me eye twitches, which are not unlike the kind I get when I smell Clairol Herbal Essences, which was the shampoo I used for the majority of college. Twitchy!
And speaking of shampoo, I have to scream from the rooftops that Matrix Amplify is not only the greatest smelling shampoo on the earth, but it has honestly nearly eliminated the need for me to blow dry. I know! But the volume! The astonishing, fresh-smelling volume!
Also, in the vein of completely random, unrelated factoids that no one cares about, did you know that I have no idea how to flush a toilet? Apparently I am incapable of flushing any of the toilets in our house without either a) clogging them, even with, ah, number one and a reasonable amount of toilet paper; or b) leaving them to run until they’ve used all the water in three counties. This does not happen when Ad uses a toilet. Am I flushing too violently? Am I a little too excited to see it all go bye bye? We can’t decide, but I’ll tell you, my husband is none too pleased about it.
And finally, a moment of humiliation from this past week. I was shopping for flip flops when a tall blonde cut me off in line. A tall, familiar blonde. A tall, familiar, gorgeous blonde, and since I was deep in college nostalgia, after she apologized, I announced (why?):
“I totally know you. Did we go to college together? High school? It’s killing me!”
And so on. And about halfway through the second or third statement, I realized what an idiot I am, just before she informed me kindly why she was probably so familiar.
“Um, did you ever watch The Bachelor? I was on The Bachelor, and I get that a lot.”
She was a contestant from many, many seasons ago, not someone I knew in COLLEGE. I knew her from a REALITY SHOW, and apparently, I cannot distinguish television from reality. The non-television kind. And also, I am apparently so old that I can’t place anyone, anywhere.
Awesome.
*The Smiths
Entry Filed under: Nuttin'
14 Comments Add your own
1. Janssen | February 11th, 2007 at 8:54 pm
I feel like such an idiot when I do that sort of thing: “Didn’t we do that one thing together? No? Hmm, must have been a movie I saw.” Yeah, I think I need to get a life or something.
2. Teej | February 11th, 2007 at 8:55 pm
First, poor puppy! I will take the cat. (She won’t scratch out MY eyes, will she?)
Second, you can come to my house for a toilet flushing clinic. My fiance will also be in attendance. For the eleventh time. (I suspect you are a much faster learner.)
3. Suebob | February 11th, 2007 at 10:27 pm
Anal gland joys – I know them well. For the first 2 years I had Miss Goldie, she had to have them expressed every 3 months or so. And then there were the infections! And the…what we called “boot scooting” behavior. So charming on the beige carpets! Then she had an operation that fixed it all. Yes!
Cats. Feh. I am done with cats, and I have the scars to prove it.
I would not have been confused by the tall blonde beautiful woman. No one like that went to my HS OR my college!
4. Schnozz | February 11th, 2007 at 10:35 pm
I’ve SEEN the sort of inadvertent torture a happy wiggly dog can inflict on a curmudgeonly kitty. Despite the fact that your dog has me wrapped around her little curly tail, I must defend the cat’s honor and say HEY DOG! THE CAT DOES NOT WANT TO PLAY.
Though something tells me that the dog just figured this out for herself. Well, hopefully, for the sake of Sunny’s poor sticky-outy eyeballs. God, I love that dog. RUN HOME TO MOMMY, SUNNY! HOME TO MISSOURI!
Wait, what was I saying?
5. Orange Peacock | February 12th, 2007 at 12:39 am
Poor animals. Poor you. But perhaps the messy, smelly, stressful events of the week will tip karma in your favor and you’ll have the National Clearinghouse folks show up on your door!
Or…something slightly less valuable, but still nice.
6. aly | February 12th, 2007 at 5:45 am
GAH! SUNNY! i am sending some “eye ball get better” love from here. poor little guy.
(also? i think the word ointment makes me as uncomfortable as certain won’t-be-mentioned-here-again words tend to make you. all i can think when i read that is eww.
)
not to laugh at sunny’s plight, but um, is there a lampshade involved here? PLEASE tell me he came home with a lampshade? and by “tell me” i mean in picture form, please?!
if it makes you feel any better, i pulled the “dont i know you” with a member of the Goo Goo Dolls (they’re from my area, so they were randomly out). they were much less “ha ha” about it and more “YOU DONT RECOGNIZE ME, BITCH?!” about it. not cool.
7. Claire | February 12th, 2007 at 6:31 am
hmm, i was just there with the ointment thing. luckily i just had to smear a glob of bacitracin into a gaping, oozing hole in BigDog’s back. If it were her eye, i probably wouldn’t be able to do it without crying. “i’m SOO sorry! mommy doesn’t mean to hurt you!! It’s for your own good! don’t you want to get better?? mommy LOVES you!!” you know how it is, i’m sure.
and The Bachelor chick? Too funny. She must have looked all dejected that you didn’t know who she was.
8. Jamie | February 12th, 2007 at 8:45 am
Doc mysteriously had anal gland issues as well – I had to take him to the vet monthly for…ahem…”expression.” Now I’ve changed his diet to help the issue, and he’s so full of fiber that he poops all over the place. I don’t know which is worse – the smell of anal juice on the couch, or coming home to a stinky present under my desk and a dog who is clearly ashamed of himself.
I can’t handle this, which is a big fat sign that I’m not ready to be a parent. It’s funny how they sort of grab ahold of your heart, no?
9. Allison | February 12th, 2007 at 9:17 am
Anal glands? Emptying them? Do all male dogs have this problem? When we still had our dog, we never got that done. Maybe that’s why he stunk so bad all the time.
10. Lawyerish | February 12th, 2007 at 9:39 am
Maybe Sunny needs an eye patch. Then she could be a little puggy pirate. Arr!
I had no idea cats were such a pain in the ass until I had one. I love that pain in the ass, but still.
11. Christine | February 12th, 2007 at 11:34 am
Aww, poor Sunny.
I would take the cat, but my boyfriend and Ninja would beat me senseless.
12. Beth | February 13th, 2007 at 7:07 am
LOL @ recognizing the blond from “The Bachelor.” I’ve watched that show more than I care to admit, I have to say. What was her name?
And about the doggie — I would love to take the cat off your hands, but I’m allergic. Finding a new home for the cat may be a good idea, given that pugs are susceptible to eye injuries due to their protruding eyeballs (if you add “protruding eyeballs” to your squick-list, I’ll be very honored) and Sunny might still try to play with the cat from time to time. It’ll save you on vet bills.
On toilets: I’m apparently in charge of flushing all toilets around here. Of course, my roommate is six years old and always in somewhat of a hurry, but still… ;^)
13. metalia | February 14th, 2007 at 3:05 pm
That “Bachelor” story is great.
I wish I could be of some assistance with your toilet-related issues; we currently have a possessed toilet which flushes on its own, apropos of nothing (i.e., when no one is actually IN the bathroom), and I may have to contact some sort of toilet exorcist. If such a person exists, you’ll be the first one I tell.
14. maggie | February 14th, 2007 at 6:45 pm
Hmm. My husband claims that I don’t know how to flush a toilet either. I think it’s these newfangled toilets that flush like 3 teaspoons of water at a time. Oh for the days of water wasting for a good flush.
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