Feel It
February 22nd, 2007
I really need A. to come home, because in the last few days, my dinners have consisted of chicken broth with a few sad little green beans thrown in, frozen pierogies and, once again, ancient Eggo waffles. The culinary coup de grace was last night’s Chef Boyardee overstuffed sausage ravioli eaten right from the can over the sink. I mean, I couldn’t even put it in a bowl? Seriously?
Separately, this is the closest you’ll ever get to drunk blogging from me, because I’ve pounded back two shots of whiskey and a glass of wine because this week – this day – was toilet-worthy, despite last week being a complete shitter, and one that should totally be followed up with a really and truly stellar week. You know, a week that would involve something like endless bouquets of flowers and maybe a minor lottery win or something. I did get a lovely thank you gift from my boss for all of last week’s suicidal misery, so it wasn’t all bad, however, unless it was for $1M, I’m not sure it could begin to make me feel any better. Although now that I think about it, one of the items was a gift cert to a wine bar, so perhaps tomorrow I shall buy and drink several bottles and see how I feel then.
It wasn’t good. I mean, it wasn’t good at all for many reasons, but mostly it wasn’t good, because it involved an altercation with the IRS and a root canal. I mean, honestly! Honestly! It’s like a cliche! In one day – today – I spent four hours on hold with the IRS and came to the conclusion that I need a root canal. The only way that could be worse is if I *had* a root canal today, in which case, I would have set up an IV drip of Maker’s Mark and maybe stolen some OxyContin to ease my suffering. Although in truth, the root canal would at least stop the wild scraping of the tooth, at least.
So, ah, yeah: the root canal. I had a root canal and a crown put in a few weeks ago, and a filling put in right next to it, and lo, it turns out that filling – that horrid, awful filling – was hitting too high repeatedly, and the dentist didn’t believe me! She didn’t believe me, and she kept fixing it without really fixing it, and finally, today, she drilled all the way down to the nerve! The nerve! While I wasn’t under the influence of any sort of Novocaine! NO NOVOCAINE! And a drill! And a nerve!
!!!!
This, as you can imagine, feels something like taking razor blade wrapped in aluminum foil and jamming it right up your jawline through your ear like a rocket of pain to your frontal lobe (or is it temporal over there?) A light breeze is enough to send me into near-hysteria.
And wait! There’s more! This was at 5:30 p.m. this afternoon, when the endodontist was closed. Closed! And here I am with Motrin, two shots of whiskey and a glass of wine, blogging my face off and praying that the endodontist can get me in tomorrow, because sweet holy lord, I’m dying here, and I’m wondering how drunk I’ll let myself get before I realize it’s completely futile and just roll over and pass out.
Oh, and the IRS. THE IRS. I have canceled , as in cashed, checks made out to them, and yet, they do not have record of this, as evidenced by the very cruel notice I got yesterday. They do! not! have! record! of! my! money! The obscene amount of money that is no longer in my bank account, but has been cashed by someone named the “Internal Revenue Service.” And they’d like it again, please, or else. But Ken is working on it. Ken promises to help me. Ken promises that I will not have to pay it all all over again, or have a lien put on my house, because he is going to fix it. Unfortunately, Ken cannot fix my tooth with the money I’ve already given him, so if the IRS and the dentist were the same person, things would be much easier on all of us.
I’m holding out for next week. I really am. In the meantime, I’m spending my weekend in a Tylenol/Codeine haze and knocking back Crown Royal at every possible opportunity, and thinking really? Really, Universe? I mean, everyone is happy and healthy and all that, and I’m so lucky, and really, I’m so, so happy, but at the moment, I’m intensely irritated and I just want someone to throw me a bone. A non-tooth bone, and preferably one that won’t clonk me in the head and knock me out.
(Incidentally, the whiskey made me a little on the emotional side and I sobbed – S O B B E D – my way through the very end of Grey’s Anatomy, heaving and hiccuping to the point where I upset the dog, and she started crying to come sit in my lap and lick my face – not because she wants to comfort me, understand, but because tears are her favorite thing to lick. Crying, to her, is a delicacy. Oh, and I’ve rewound the scene three times, and instantly bawl, complete with loud noises.)
Upside: It’s Friday! And he comes home tomorrow. Hooray!
* I give up. His name is Adam, no one cares. NO ONE CARES, and even he doesn’t care at this point.
*House of Pain. I love Everlast. Don’t laugh.
Entry Filed under: Nuttin'
21 Comments Add your own
1. Schnozz | February 22nd, 2007 at 11:07 pm
Oh my God, you poor thing. What can I do? If I knew your address, I would send you a pizza!
2. Gentry | February 23rd, 2007 at 2:27 am
Dude, you need cheese. Eat a lot of cheese. That will make you feel better.
3. TwoBusy | February 23rd, 2007 at 6:23 am
Alternate post title: I Wanna Be Sedated
Anyhow. What a craptastic week. Sorry yr man wasn’t there to comfort you through jaw pain, IRS hassles and ravioli/whiskey burps.
4. Claire | February 23rd, 2007 at 7:30 am
gah! i think i’m more afraid of the IRS than i am of a root canal (because i am seriously petrified of the IRS), but god, what a day.
And its ok to sob at the teevee when you’re alone. no one can point and laugh at you then. poor, jonna..
btw – my security code is “huh”.
heee…
5. rhea | February 23rd, 2007 at 8:18 am
I cried too! But you had more reason, luck must be around the corner.
6. Suebob | February 23rd, 2007 at 8:36 am
No way. I would have been screaming for the Novocaine. I don’t even want to feel my face at all.
7. jonniker | February 23rd, 2007 at 8:45 am
Suebob: I was. I didn’t know what was going to happen. It was…horrible. It was horrible.
8. TwoBusy | February 23rd, 2007 at 9:29 am
Did you break the arm off the chair?
9. Schnozz | February 23rd, 2007 at 9:37 am
Oh–and I forgot to say that I watched ALL THREE of those hours of Grey’s Anatomy in sequence this morning, with Mr. S sitting all of fifteen feet away from me, and I would not allow myself to break down in his presence because he would have made fun of me. He had no idea what I was watching (headphones) and probably just thought I was verrrry sniffly for some reason …
10. Heather B. | February 23rd, 2007 at 10:11 am
Um, how about a hug?
11. Andrea | February 23rd, 2007 at 11:22 am
Dude, that is probably the best day to complain about in the history of days to complain about. Because my god, the IRS and drills and nerves in the same day. Yes, by all means, medicate with booze and codeine. And cheese. Because Chef Boyardee? Really? Now that I have an ankle biter who likes it, I buy Chef B for him. The first time I gave it to him, I got a bowl for myself because I used to love me some Chef B. Yick. It’s like eating cardboard.
ADAM! Come home and comfort your wife!
I cried too. My son thinks I’m a raging lunatic. But he thought that before. He crawled on my lap and said, “Mama, is the Alex Show making you cry?” He calls it the Alex Show because every time he’d ask me what I was watching, it happened to be when Dr. Karev was on the screen. So I’d say, “I’m watching Alex.” I told him, “Yes, Alex Show is making me cry.” Because I care about the people in the show. I CARE. Even though they’re fictional people. And fie on anyone who makes fun of me for sobbing like my best friend had died.
“This is like, two dollars worth of Sudoku.” Riot.
12. Christine | February 23rd, 2007 at 2:19 pm
I think we already knew his real name? Or did I just think Jewish names starting with A and guess? (Although Aaron and Ari would have also been nice.)
More importantly, OHMYGOD you poor thing. Why don’t you live closer? I would bring over baked mac and cheese to ease your pain. Or at least fill you up.
13. jonniker | February 23rd, 2007 at 2:26 pm
Christine: Of course you did. But I went through a very brief, ill-advised period of time where I attempted to conceal it. Hilarity (or not) ensued.
14. Cee | February 23rd, 2007 at 3:38 pm
Oh, you poor thing. What a terrible week. I hope your weekend is suitably wonderful
15. Yez | February 23rd, 2007 at 7:18 pm
Alternate alternate post title: I Want a New Drug.
OMG, drill hitting a NERVE. “!!!” is right. You described it almost perfectly; if the “razor blade wrapped in aluminum foil” was hooked up to a frillion volts, that might come closer to the actual sensation. I know this because my IRS/FBI/DentalPolice file surely mandates that I experience it on a regular basis, since childhood. (Fortunately, my current dentist seems to have missed the memo. He starts preparing tanks of Novocaine when he sees me pull into the parking lot.)
Glad we’re back to Adam. Although I really, really love Adonymous.
Artsy! My security code is “artsy”!
16. amanda | February 23rd, 2007 at 9:37 pm
You seriously had the perfect storm of home alone with no one to console me but whiskey and the blues. Thank goodness he’s coming home, maybe next time you can accompany him an just gather handy dinner party information frkom day time tv n the hotel room…Further demonstrating my “which of these kids is doing her own thing” distinction from your hip commenters and yourself – Ice Ice Baby might have been a back pocket alternative for the title.
17. jonniker | February 24th, 2007 at 3:21 pm
Amanda: I *love* Vanilla Ice. Ice Ice Baby…I was 14 and dating someone I shouldn’t have been, and we drove around for hours listening to it. Oh yes. Ice, Ice Baby indeed.
Oh my God, House of Pain could not be more unhip. They are, after all, the same folks who did “Jump Around,” which isn’t exactly ah, cool. But Everlast! Oh, how I love Everlast. Whitey Ford Sings the Blues is one of my favorite albums ever.
18. dissed | February 24th, 2007 at 7:16 pm
Throws bone: You have great hair.
19. amanda | February 24th, 2007 at 8:50 pm
Jonniker, you are the consummate hostess. Thanks for making me feel like less of a jack ass. I’ll be popping in without blushing.Thanks.
20. Sara | February 27th, 2007 at 6:10 pm
A good reason NOT to eat Eggos: http://www.marksdailyapple.com/fume. Friggin’ hilarious. WTF?
21. Bradley Birkenfeld | March 1st, 2010 at 4:22 am
Add some more effective for the touching article some types heartily words etc. good combining of article and issue also language are good. Give photos related to this events in future updates.
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