Tiny Dancer
February 26th, 2007
I had a root canal today, and it was the highlight of my day, which sounds worse than it actually is, because have you had a root canal lately? I don’t mean to wax poetic about today’s modern dental marvels, but I was in and out of there in 15 minutes, I felt absolutely zero pain and the overall inconvenience factor was less than that of a filling. Well, except for the $1000 price tag, given that I have already whipped through my dental insurance allotment for the year. Yes, yes it is only February, why do you ask? Ahem. Anyway, no one is more shocked than me, and if I wasn’t entirely convinced that my endodontist was unattractive and very likely gay, I’d have considered making out with him right then and there, such was the depth of my gratitude.
I mean, I’d spent the weekend in some sort of Vicodin haze, which made me wonder, seriously? People get addicted to this stuff? I don’t get it, even a little bit. The addictive properties of just about everything else, I completely understand, because at least they make you feel kind of…good, or something, I guess. It’s hard for me to judge, because I don’t really have an addictive personality, and at this point, that includes cigarettes, despite my past. I could have a pack of cigarettes a day for a week, and quit the next, and ah, this theory has been tested in recent years.
So while I’m not Matthew Perry, I remain perplexed by the appeal, because Vicodin made me feel as inert as a pile of day-old soggy buttered pancakes. Half a pill and I was more than half in the bag, and at one point, I decided to read the side effects while under the influence and convinced myself that I was about to overdose, and if I fell asleep, my heart would stop beating and I’d be dead by apparent suicide, and what would everyone say? Hence, I spent all of Saturday night forcing myself to stay awake so that I would not die from half of a dose of Vicodin, playing a strange sort of combination of William Miller and Penny Lane, and talking to myself like some kind of strangely twisted Jekyll and Hyde routine. Penny wanted to sleep, but William was NOT GOING TO LET PENNY DIE.
Vicodin and I are not friends, which means I am now free to hand it over to my neighbor, who is a purported Vicodin dealer, as rumor has it that he gets it free from the U.S. government because he is a veteran. It is tempting, given that at least it will keep the punks in the neighborhood confined to their houses, passed out in front of the television, MTV’s “My Super Sweet Sixteen” blaring in the background. If it wasn’t dangerous, scary and more than a little illegal, I’d be tempted to slip a couple into their beers at night, because God, the punks! The noise! THE AKON. I CANNOT TAKE THE AKON.
Penny did, by the way, eventually get to sleep, but only around 3 a.m. after William was convinced the danger had passed. These hours were, by the way, spent listening to my snoring, sick-sounding husband and working myself into a wild froth about whether or not he was actually sick and regretting every single moment I’d spent earlier in the day kissing him, and oh, they were a lot, because, did I mention I was so happy he was home? I’m not typically the clingy type, but I was attached to him for most of the weekend, afraid to let go of his hand because he might use it as an opportunity to escape the madness, of which I was a central character.
Well, Penny, William and me, that is. We were all really happy to see him.
Happy Tuesday.
*Elton John. How great is that scene? It almost makes me forget that Billy Crudup is such an ass.
Entry Filed under: Nuttin'
17 Comments Add your own
1. hello insomnia | February 26th, 2007 at 9:34 pm
I bet Akon pored over his lyrics and using his quill pen, decided on the two words that captured his worship and respect for the female spirit: “Smack that.”
2. Heather B. | February 26th, 2007 at 9:47 pm
It’s all fun and games and qualuud until someone leaves his pregnant girlfriend. Stupid Billy.
3. Yez | February 26th, 2007 at 10:39 pm
What’s an akon?
But yay, so glad about the blessed root canal!
4. Melissa | February 26th, 2007 at 10:59 pm
Yay re: your fast and non-painful root canal! That is wonderful. Minus the punch to the pocketbook, of course.
Funny how people react differently to drugs. I’ve had to take Vicodin once or twice, and nothing. A big fat nothing. And the meds I used to have to take for migraines that were actually barbituates? Got me talking a mile a minute and organizing my sock drawer while I tap-danced and thought up to-do lists.
5. Yez | February 27th, 2007 at 6:46 am
OK, never mind (Wikipedia to the rescue)! Now I know it’s a who, not a what :> but even the song titles don’t help. My radios are locked onto the oldies stations :>
6. -r- | February 27th, 2007 at 6:53 am
This makes me less scared to finally make a long overdue dentist appointment. Thanks!
As for the Vicodin, I haven’t ever had to take it, but H has, and Oh My God. He gets all clingy and spacy and kind of nauseous and bossy and I hope he never has to take it again.
7. Sadie | February 27th, 2007 at 8:12 am
Imagining you on a Vicodin bender talking to yourself in multiple personalities while Adam sleeps noisily beside you is really a priceless visual…thanky.
Also, it reminds me of the time I got my impacted wisdom teeth removed and I was given Percocet. Everyone was all jokey and excited about my Percocet (“if you don’t take them all, can I have them?” “oooh, you got the good stuff.” “What kind of drugs did they give you?” et cetera). So, because of these idiots, and on principle, I did not take the Percocet. “Eh, it doesn’t hurt that bad, I will just eat Tylenol.”
And then I got dry sockets.
And by the time I decided that maybe Percocet would be a good idea, it could not *touch* my pain. I ate Percocet like candy, and nothing. My husband watched in stunned horror while I downed double the dosage, and repeatedly announced, “nothing. Nothing! These drugs are shit!”
Do you like how I’ve made your comments section my very own blog?
8. H | February 27th, 2007 at 8:39 am
Akon. Listening to his nasal, whiny, repetitive crap makes me nuts. I’m always tuned in to the teenagers’ station in the car. I generally enjoy it but every now and then there’s some drone who has a hit that sends me over the top and right now, Akon is that drone.
9. TwoBusy | February 27th, 2007 at 8:49 am
Kozelek busting into “Tiny Dancer” – with the whole bus joining in – is one of the really great, radiant moments in that film.
Anyhow. Glad to hear you’re not heading down the Brett Favre road of Vicodin addiction. Phew!
10. winterwheat | February 27th, 2007 at 9:08 am
Wow, a root canal — what a drag. But I’m so glad to hear it went well! I had one almost 20 years ago and it wasn’t exactly medieval, but I also didn’t walk out of there marveling at the technology. Reminds me of that Simpsons episode where Lisa’s orthodontist warns her, “These predate stainless steel. You can’t get them wet.”
I agree about Vicodin. After my c-section I got its less refined sister, oxycontin. It made me feel groggy and slow and completely unpleasant. In fact, it mimicked hypothyroidism. Who in hell would want that? And the constipation — I’ll spare you the details.
A physician friend of mine explained that there’s addition to painkilling drugs, and there’s addiction to being pain-free. She believes that many people get addicted to these drugs not because they love the effects of the drug, but because they’ll do anything to be pain-free. It’s kind of sad when you think about it.
Me, I prefer booze.
11. Jamie | February 27th, 2007 at 10:28 am
Vicodin does next to nothing for me, so I can’t relate, but I’m oddly jealous. NyQuil, on the other hand, does to me what a triple dost of Ambien will do for most people. Yet another characteristic reinforcing that I am the weirdest person alive.
Did you see Billy Crudup recently? He’s sporting a very bizarre mustache. Yuck.
12. Jamie | February 27th, 2007 at 10:29 am
Umm…(cough)…”have you seen…”
Note to self: edit before pressing “submit.”
13. Jen W. | February 27th, 2007 at 12:19 pm
Bah to the Vicodin, YAY to the hydrocodone…not that I’ve ever taken the stuff…
14. Suebob | February 27th, 2007 at 4:43 pm
“and convinced myself that I was about to overdose, and if I fell asleep, my heart would stop beating and I’d be dead by apparent suicide, and what would everyone say?”
They would have said “And her kid, Timmy? Now he has asthma AND no mother!”
15. Lawyerish | February 27th, 2007 at 6:03 pm
Akon? Billy Crudup? I know not of what you speak. But the image of you trying to rouse yourself from a Vicodin haze for hours is too funny. You poor dear. Rest assured, I would have dispelled all overdose rumors on the Web and commenced a lawsuit against the drug manufacturers on your behalf immediately. I’m here for you like that.
16. Amanda | March 1st, 2007 at 9:27 am
Probably going to ruin any good will I earned through referencing Vanilla Ice by saying something about Akon. Now remember, I am a certifiable music bumpkin (I always thought Rock the Casbah was Rock the Sasquatch…I know, it’s frightening). Our iTunes library is our 2.5 year old’s favorite toy. She scrolls, selects and then dances. A non video song we have is, I believe, Akon, just a photo of a super cut guy with no shirt on and the song starts out sounding like The Chipmunks singing about being lonely. Anyway, that little 20 seconds of odd, squirrelish warbling is one of her favorites. She has strange taste, her favorite video is the Fat Boy Slim with Christopher Walken doing an oddly impressive dance routine.
17. Swistle | March 2nd, 2007 at 5:54 pm
I think I’d even be okay with dental work if it weren’t for the price. My god, how can it be so expensive?
I didn’t think much of Vicodin, either. But Percoset? That made me consider looking at a map to find this Black Market I’ve heard so much about.
Leave a Comment
Some HTML allowed:
<a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>
Trackback this post | Subscribe to the comments via RSS Feed