Virtual Insanity
February 27th, 2007
I stepped in a pile of fire ants today, which is something like stepping in a pile of…well, in a pile of fire, what with the searing little bites, piercing fangs and poisonous venom. In a word, awesome. I was doing some work this weekend at an event where they actually flew in northern grass to please the sponsors – northern grass, as in, grass that doesn’t feel like prickly little needles and isn’t full of benign-looking piles of sand that turn your feet into flaming pustules of misery. Weirdly, it reminded me of the little things I miss about living somewhere else – things I forgot about that aren’t that really important, but are things I miss all the same. I mean, do y’all know what kind of grass we have down here? It’s sandy and silty and rough, and, due to the aforementioned fire ants, you can’t even dream about rolling around in it, and what then is the point of grass, I say?
The things I miss are shrinking by the day, actually, as I learn to appreciate the situation I’m in, and love the things that are, instead of what isn’t. And ah, it doesn’t hurt that it was 85 degrees outside today, and that tomorrow, I’m going swimming again. Outside. In February.
Suckers. But I still miss grass. Console yourselves with soft grass, you know, for the five minutes each year that you can actually see it. BAHAHAHAHAHA. I’m mean. But consider this, once again: I’m getting into NASCAR, and if that’s not the sign of a declining mind, I’m not sure what is. Did you know we have an entire season coming up? Yes! The Daytona 500 was only the beginning. Red Sox and NASCAR, all at once. A whole season full of fast cars, bizarrely hot men and…I don’t know what else, but I guess I’m not ashamed, but still, I am not a person to envy, warm weather or not.
Also, and this is important: I no longer find Howard K. Stern hot. The video with the makeup and the eight-month pregnant Anna Nicole Smith did it for me. No, just no, sexy jawline or not. Although I feel compelled to mention that my strange freak fetish to Adam, who did not recoil in utter revulsion, but instead replied thoughtfully, “Huh. I guess I could see that. He kind of looks like JFK Jr. from certain angles.” I’m pretty sure he was trying to make me feel better, but I’m pretending he was serious.
The last thing the Internet needs is this, but American Idol makes me very, very tired. Invariably, someone sings Marvin Gaye, Paula swoons, the fat guy has a hot wife, and it’s all just…well, it’s all the same, seriously, and I’m not all that excited about continuing to waste my damn time, and yet every Tuesday, I am pulled like a magnet to the television, guided by my friend TiVo. Also, a man attempted to sing “Fever” which made me want to kill myself slowly, and by ‘slowly’ I mean maybe with Vicodin, which makes Penny very, very happy.
Happy Wednesday!
*Jamiroquai. The only decent performance tonight. What?
Entry Filed under: Nuttin'
15 Comments Add your own
1. Yez | February 27th, 2007 at 8:58 pm
Or do fire ants scale sandals/shoes/boots en masse if you violate their perimeter? I’m so glad we have benign grass (and ants) up here, even if it is only for 5 minutes. But I’m also glad you’re appreciating the good stuff while you’re down there, and by good stuff I mean 85°, swimming, palm trees and Red Sox. (Although I love to drive, I don’t have the NASCAR chromosome.)
P.S. It’s not Wednesday yet ]:>
2. Yez | February 27th, 2007 at 9:01 pm
Foregoing nastiness about Anna Nicole &/or her survivors? Uncharacteristic restraint. Refraining from comment on American Idol? Damn near impossible. Forgetting to close the italics tag? Priceless!
3. -R- | February 27th, 2007 at 9:03 pm
They flew in northern grass? Ha!
I am glad Adam was ok with your weird Howard K Stern crush. Apparently, you are well-suited for each other. But you are both wrong.
4. Christine | February 28th, 2007 at 5:50 am
Blech, hate the fire ants. And southern grass. Grass imposters, says I.
Indeed one of my early childhood memories involved going down a slip and slide into said grass and piles of fire ants. Little bastards.
5. Jamie | February 28th, 2007 at 6:02 am
Sounds like you’ve been bitten by the NASCAR bug.
HAHAHAHAHAHAH…bug! Get it?
Seriously, though, welcome to the fold. And I hope your bites get better soon.
6. Claire | February 28th, 2007 at 7:13 am
Well, things are getting weird down there in the state of Florida. It’s really refreshing to hear that you’re enjoying that 85 degree weather and going swimming in the winter. Which i am wholy jealous of.
But now you’re making fun of us Northerers?? Tsk. I just don’t know how to feel about that.
How quickly they turn. Hmm.
7. Claire | February 28th, 2007 at 7:15 am
oh, oh! Also – i was totally shocked about how hot his wife was. I mean, she was all… blonde and perfect. It’s just not right.
Funnily enough, TheBoy did not understand why i thought this was so shocking. He was kind of indignant about the whole thing. Like, “why do you find that surprising? hard to believe that the fat boy has a hot wife?” i think he resented the whole thing. meh.
8. TwoBusy | February 28th, 2007 at 7:24 am
Wow. Florida is just teeming with things that want to eat you, isn’t it? Fire ants, panthers, bull sharks, gators…
But at least you’re warm.
9. guinness girl | February 28th, 2007 at 8:28 am
You know, the crazy thing here is that I TOTALLY miss the grass we had in our yard in the first house I remember us living in in Florida (lived there from age 2 to 14 or so). After that, all the rest of the grass sucked. Because I am ridiculous, I just tried to google types of Florida grass (to no avail).
Why I felt the need to write this in your comments, I have no clue. I should probably have limited myself to just plain “Hi! I’m still here and reading but not witty!”
10. Lawyerish | February 28th, 2007 at 3:36 pm
Fire ants! NOOO! Those things are unreal. The burning legs and the massive welts? OMG. You live in a world of plagues down there.
I suffer from the same American Idol compulsion. I CANNOT tear myself away. The women are 85,000 times better than the men. A MAN singing “Fever.” Just NO.
11. metalia | February 28th, 2007 at 10:11 pm
Ow, your poor feet!
Your last paragraph killed me.
(On an unrelated note, I am relieved to hear that you’re over Howard K. Stern.)
12. the Narcissist | March 1st, 2007 at 11:56 am
I still have nightmarish memories of the time my family lived in Georgia and my dad unknowingly parked over a fire ant hill after church one Sunday. But the hill was just on the passenger side of the car, stepping out, left my mother and I running screaming into the house leaving a trail of discarded church clothes behind us. Oh the painful, painful bumps.
Those ants have got to go.
13. Swistle | March 2nd, 2007 at 5:50 pm
Recently, his jawline is even starting to ANNOY me.
14. Andrea | March 3rd, 2007 at 3:02 pm
Have the fire ants carried you off? I’m missing my daily dose of Jonniker! Hopefully work isn’t trying to kill you! Just checking to see if you’re still alive.
15. Dave | March 4th, 2007 at 11:47 pm
Artists always score the hotties, at least until they wake up one morning and realize, “Holy crap! I’m married to Billy Joel!”
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