Torn to Tattered
March 4th, 2007
We took Sunny to the dog park this weekend, which she always loves, even if she comes back smelling like the feces of a thousand other dogs, but we sacrifice where we can for canines we love. What I don’t get is the people who get dogs and then refuse to let them act…like dogs. We encountered a Chinese crested in a denim vest with a bikini tan line, and a chihuahua wearing what I can only guess was a tutu, and naturally, neither were allowed to play, and Sunny’s attempts to get them to chase her were met with nothing but angry glares.
A Chinese crested dog. With a bikini tan line. That totally bears repeating.
I spent the better part of last week working on freelance projects at night, which, while lovely, left me with nothing but a brain that resembled a fried egg during the day. It wasn’t, however, nearly as bad as a few weeks ago, and was actually really enjoyable.
Honestly, though, I keep thinking I’m going to grow out of my awkward phase, but really, after 31 years, it’s time to accept that awkwardness is here to stay. And I guess by “awkward” I mean “horrible slob who cannot eat without staining her clothes and also, can’t keep her zipper up.” Am I the only one with this problem? I just did two loads of laundry and at least 3/4 of them had permanent stains on them from some splurty money shot of mayonnaise or another from last week. And no fewer than three times last week, someone stopped me to politely let me know that my zipper was down, exposing what were always something unglamorous like Hanes Her Way or Jockey. I really wish I could be one of those women who has an immaculate collection of matching lingerie to choose from every single morning, no matter how pedestrian the outfit, but…well, it’s never going to happen.
Also, it might be worth mentioning that sometime after breakfast last week, my boss stared at me questioningly, in a rather serious work-related conversation and then politely, asked, “Is that…? Well. Um, you have something on your cheek.”
Yogurt. I had yogurt on my cheek, but it didn’t look like yogurt, and instead, resembled something much more sinister, like maybe I’d spent some time in the bathroom with someone of the male persuasion, oh my God. From my breakfast of – you guessed it – yogurt, something like 20 minutes before. My best guess was that it was room temperature and flung onto my cheek when I peeled back the aluminum lid. I hope. Oh god, I don’t know. I just look forward to the day where I can make it through a week – one week – without falling, wearing my lunch or appearing as though I am about to disrobe while sitting in my office. I honestly fear for my poor future children, who are going to have to bear the humiliation of a mom who is not only messier than they are, but falls down and hurts herself just as much as they do. Poor Adam will literally have a house full of toddlers. Pray for him.
And sadly, yet fortunately, I’ve got to go write more for actual money that is being solely used to fund my dentist’s family vacations, because there is another crown on the horizon.
Happy Monday!
*Carbon Leaf.
Entry Filed under: Nuttin'
11 Comments Add your own
1. -R- | March 4th, 2007 at 9:39 pm
It is very rare for me to have an outfit without a trace of food on it. I like to think it is my personal style.
2. lydia | March 5th, 2007 at 3:58 am
For future reference, regular dish soap (dawn is the best) left to sit on a stain will get rid of almost any ugly oily marks, as well as makeup, and anything else with a similar residue. Sorry it’s been such a rough week for you!
3. Swistle | March 5th, 2007 at 5:37 am
It keeps surprising me, too, that here I am in my thirties and nothing has changed. I thought I’d be more pulled-together by now. I thought I’d have found my lasting personal style, and that it would be something other than jeans and a t-shirt.
4. Christine | March 5th, 2007 at 6:59 am
Oh how I feel your pain on always ending up covered in your food. I don’t know if I own a tee or long sleeved shirt without some stain on it. The woe.
And, Chinese crested. With a bikini tan line? So the dog had a tan? I don’t even have a tan! And what is wrong with these people?
5. Claire | March 5th, 2007 at 7:44 am
oh, creepy little frou-frou dogs. hee…
and i hear you with the stains. but it’s actually the boyfriend rather than me and it just drives me nuts. i have invested in a Stain Stick and it works pretty well.
Also, for oil-based stains, if you tap some baby powder on the offending mark (before washing it – or more accurately, before it gets thrown in the dryer) and let it sit, it will absorb the oil. you just have to knock off the powder before you wash it and it works really well.
i have no advice for the zipper. having to have someone else point out that your fly is open is just awful. poor you.
6. TwoBusy | March 5th, 2007 at 9:23 am
“Some splurty money shot of mayonnaise”…
I just had to express my profound admiration for your way with words. You leave me in awe.
7. Jamie | March 5th, 2007 at 9:34 am
Chinese cresteds make me nervous in more ways that I can describe.
Actually, I can describe it — have you ever seen that awful horror flick “Critters?” I watched it once at a sleepover, as one of my junior high friends thought it looked the scariest of what she could rent, so that’s what she picked. I have had nightmares ever since.
Regardless, the “critters” in the movie that come out of the plumbing in toilets and basically attack the characters “ass first” remind me of Chinese Cresteds (and the other way around).
Needless to say, I make sure Doc avoids them at all dog parks.
8. Gentry | March 5th, 2007 at 1:17 pm
Dude, what is it with you and sperm?
9. Carolyn J. | March 5th, 2007 at 5:58 pm
I wrote about this topic some months back and everyone was like, “Oh HELL no, we all have matching lingerie and perfectly ironed power suits and unscuffed patent leather stilettos for every day!” Sigh.
10. Lawyerish | March 5th, 2007 at 7:25 pm
Seriously? People, like real people, have matching lingerie? Pah!!
Also, I am not as much a victim of the food splatter so much as the toothpaste drool. Which is extremely hard to get out and also very suspicious looking as a stain.
11. Suebob | March 6th, 2007 at 9:24 pm
some splurty money shot of mayonnaise or another from last week.
I love you, Jonna.
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