Here Comes the Flood
March 19th, 2007
There’s a restaurant on the corner near where we live, and since it’s well established that I can’t cook, we go there often, and by often, I mean at least three times a week. And while the food is fine, lovely, whatever, what draws both of us back, time and time again, is that they have the hottest waitresses I’ve ever seen. Every last one of them is smokin’ hot, and last week, one of the bartenders was wearing a corset! And hot pants! And while the corset/hot pants combo is a little much, I totally have a crush on two of them, to Adam’s endless delight. But damn, really, they are hot.
We spent the weekend with my parents in Pennsylvania, which was lovely, if uneventful, but did you know that Newark airport is really…well, terrible? You did! I know you did! And while intellectually I knew this too, it’s quite a different form of realization when you experience it first-hand. Especially when that experience includes TSA agents calling customers “fucking retarded dumbasses” and screeching to a Muslim couple – half of which was in a burqa, oh my God – that “all the Indians up in this piece are DUMBASSES, yo. Oh, I mean, no offense. If you’re Indian. You be Indian? Aw, shit, you be Indian. No offense. No offense.”
Security was also in full force when we found ourselves seated in an area where we were the only couple where the man wasn’t wearing a yarmulke, and we marveled at the circumstances, because really, what are the chances? It wasn’t until a few minutes later that we realized we’d accidentally been steered to a private super-secure area solely for passengers on an upcoming flight to Tel Aviv.
In other words, the Newark TSA employs some of America’s finest.
But! Most importantly, I saw snow! Lots and lots of snow! HAHAHAHAHA snow. I don’t be in love with the snow, but on that first day, when we got to my parents’ house, and there was nothing but gorgeous falling snow and we had nowhere to be? That was pretty cool. I miss that.
Sundry has already highlighted some of the…less than savory parts of Weight Watchers, and let it be known that those issues are fairly universal, at least in this household. But what no one really tells you about is what happens when you save up all of your Flex Points and go hog wild one weekend (with cookies!) and get so incredibly sick… and when you just can’t take it anymore, you happen to be in the bathroom of a tiny little Hungarian restaurant where your husband is trying desperately to smile his way through two giant (GIANT) deep fried Hungarian meatballs, and your plate of pork and sauerkraut is getting cold, oh so cold, but it is full! of! fiber!
Well, in my case, what happened is that I flooded – quite literally, flooded – the one-stall ladies room, which was dangerously close to the kitchen and was forced to tell the Hungarian real estate agent-cum-host (“I sell you property next door!”) that the ladies room toilet overflowed, which caused such a wild panic that he screamed in front of the whole restaurant, “THIS YOUNG LADY FLOOD BATHROOM AND BLOCK TOILET. HAND ME MOP.”
I returned to my sauerkraut and caught my parents and husband trying to hold back tears of laughter when I confessed that my overzealous toilet paper usage stopped up yet another toilet, and they interrupted with, “WE HEARD. WE ALL HEARD!” followed by braying laughter and a lecture from my dad that I’ve always used too much toilet paper ever since I was a kid. And to that I can only ask: seriously, too much toilet paper? I mean, no one wants to use an entire ROLL in one sitting, but come on.
Also, and perhaps most importantly: many people have ordered, and some have even received it in the mail already. My God.
*Peter Gabriel
Entry Filed under: Nuttin'
17 Comments Add your own
1. -R- | March 19th, 2007 at 8:22 pm
You know, I don’t think I have ever stopped up a toilet. I should put that on my resume.
I am sorry that such a mortifying event occurred for you, but damn, that is funny.
2. TwoBusy | March 20th, 2007 at 5:21 am
But back to the meatballs. Just how giant were they? Are we talking nerf basketball-sized? Larger? I’m intrigued.
3. Claire | March 20th, 2007 at 6:22 am
oh god, that’s humiliating. but, you know.. fiber… fun stuff, it is…
also, i’ve ordered and am now awaiting. you should be getting paid for that much marketing. just saying.
4. coffee stained | March 20th, 2007 at 6:40 am
I am mortified. If I went through what you went through at the Hungarian, I am so sure that I would have a panic attack.
I concur that Newark airport sux.
5. jonniker | March 20th, 2007 at 6:49 am
TB: Each meatball was the size of my two fists put together, no exaggeration. Adam said later that he kept repeating to himself, ‘Just try to get through one…just try to make it look like you made a dent…” They were HUGE. And deep-fried, with mashed potatoes and Hungarian gravy (read: fraught with paprika).
I’m half Hungarian, so I’ve grown accustomed to the strange things in that cuisine – cabbage noodles, paprikash, very sour sauerkraut, halupkis and enough sour cream to kill you with every meal. Poor Adam, not so much. The meatballs were overwhelming, even to me.
6. TwoBusy | March 20th, 2007 at 7:13 am
I guess the good news is that if you’d crashed in the snow on your way back home afterwards, you could have wrapped yourselves in leftover meatball and stayed warm until help came.
7. Lawyerish | March 20th, 2007 at 10:30 am
Oh, no you didn’t! I am dying — DYING — of embarrassment on your behalf. Yet also laughing. Laughing at your horrific toilet-stoppage and subsequent overflow, which is my ultimate public restroom nightmare. I’m a real friend like that.
8. Suebob | March 20th, 2007 at 12:22 pm
“This young lady…” oh shoot me now.
I love that your family has a good sense of humor about the whole thing.
My roommate used to make a toilet paper mitten each time, I swear. He (yes, he!) moved out and my toilet paper bill went down by about 85 percent.
YOU DO NOT NEED THE MITTEN!!
9. Pattie | March 20th, 2007 at 12:51 pm
Ok….this is a little freaky….word verification is :
hfart….coincidence? I think not.
*LOL*
I give you alot of credit. I think I would have ran away from the restaurant if I overflowed the toilet….you girl…BRAVE!
10. Daily Tragedies | March 20th, 2007 at 1:31 pm
I may never listen to Peter Gabriel again without recalling this story. Yikes!
11. maggie | March 20th, 2007 at 5:28 pm
My husband claims that I don’t know how to use a toilet. I laugh wigh great glee every time HE stops up the toilet. Unfortunately it seems to happen a lot around here. Maybe we have bad pipes.
12. sam | March 20th, 2007 at 6:53 pm
Go, cup, go!
13. Sarah | March 21st, 2007 at 10:06 am
Oh my gosh, is there anything worse in this entire world than having public bathroom… problems, and then clogging the toilet? This happened to me once at a junior high slumber party, and the girl’s parents had to call a plumber. I can still in an instant recall the shame, the desire to melt into the floor and be gone forever. I would have traded the rest of my life in that instant to be granted a cloak of invisibility.
14. Jessica | March 21st, 2007 at 3:59 pm
I too use large amounts of toilet paper, much to my husband’s dismay. He does not understand that I am a woman..with a vagina. Must wipe it well. If it makes you feel any better, in our early days as a couple we were staying in a hotel at the beach and I clogged the toilet TWICE. TWICE in the same evening we had to call someone up to plunge the damn toilet.
15. kara marie | March 21st, 2007 at 4:15 pm
My DivaCup just arrived.
Love.
It.
I’m going to have to thank your blog for this.
Heart, Jonniker! Heart!
16. Mauigirl52 | March 22nd, 2007 at 3:20 pm
I am sitting here at work snorting with laughter. It’s lucky most everybody has gone home. I once stopped up a toilet in a Mexican restaurant on Maui when we were vacationing there. Luckily it was at the end of the evening and w just left after that and hoped they wouldn’t remember if we came back again a year or two later!
I was also hysterical over Sundry’s post about the farts! Yes, Beano does actually work, by the way.
17. DeloresFuentes29 | June 24th, 2010 at 7:10 am
Various people in all countries get the home loans from various banks, because this is simple and comfortable.
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