Informer

I caught a smidge of Oprah this afternoon, and while I’m easily the last person to come to this complete realization, Oprah sucks. In today’s episode, I felt mixed emotions surrounding the woman who wrote an extraordinarily snippy letter to Oprah’s producers saying that the title for the segment “Oprah and Gayle’s Big Adventure” has been driving her crazy, just crazy, since it should be “Oprah’s and Gayle’s Big Adventure,” because that’s grammatically correct! She was so smug about it, too, because she was right, dammit. SHE WAS RIGHT! And Oprah and her team of 50 million copyeditors were wrong. And because, apparently, she didn’t pay attention in fifth grade English.

But the thing is, even though I love grammar more than life itself, and even though I wanted to stick a soggy grilled cheese sandwich right into Ms. Smuggypants’ ear, like a giant cheesy wet willy, I wanted the laws of grammar to bend at my will and for just one second, I wanted that poor, self-righteously dumb woman to be right, because I loathe Oprah that much. The condescension! The fact that she only talks about herself! And her many accomplishments! Hell, even in the grammar conversation she managed to talk about her damn school no fewer than three times. Because if you didn’t know, Oprah has a school, and she saves lives – thousands and thousands of lives – every day. Like Jesus. Jesus and Oprah are interchangeable, really.

I know. This isn’t new. Everyone hates Oprah. But I couldn’t stop ranting about it to Adam to the point where he rudely cut me off at dinner with, “We get it. You hate Oprah. WE KNOW.”

FYI, this vitriol also extends to Kelly Ripa for many of the same reasons, but with the added bonus of incessant perkiness related to, of course, herself and her wonderful life. Rachael Ray, however, I dig, for reasons unknown.

Entirely unrelated and also for reasons unknown, once in a while it occurs to me how much happier I am since I changed careers, and sometimes, in the infinitely nonsensical workings of the psyche, this bothers me. Because of course, I should have been able to hack it, as friends of mine work under similar circumstances and they seem just fine. I, however, was a stressed-out sniveling mess who couldn’t get up in the morning without wanting to throw up, and the amount of time I spent smiling each day was in the negative points range. I don’t know, I guess I’m wondering if I missed out on some sort of valuable work/life balance lesson by getting out. Shrug.

And finally, in the “Did you know? Of course you did!” category, did you know that if you mix half and half with vinegar, it curdles? Yes! You’re welcome. So if you’re looking to make a creamy low-fat salad dressing with apple cider vinegar and fat free half and half, you might want to re-think that. Because vinegar is also an acid! Like lime juice!

Did I ever tell you that I failed chemistry? Because I did, actually. Two semesters, in high school, and not because I didn’t try hard – oh, I did – but because I just didn’t get it. I know. Not much has changed.

*Snow. Y’all remember INFORMER! Of course you do. Again, you’re welcome.

29 comments March 26th, 2007