Informer
March 26th, 2007
I caught a smidge of Oprah this afternoon, and while I’m easily the last person to come to this complete realization, Oprah sucks. In today’s episode, I felt mixed emotions surrounding the woman who wrote an extraordinarily snippy letter to Oprah’s producers saying that the title for the segment “Oprah and Gayle’s Big Adventure” has been driving her crazy, just crazy, since it should be “Oprah’s and Gayle’s Big Adventure,” because that’s grammatically correct! She was so smug about it, too, because she was right, dammit. SHE WAS RIGHT! And Oprah and her team of 50 million copyeditors were wrong. And because, apparently, she didn’t pay attention in fifth grade English.
But the thing is, even though I love grammar more than life itself, and even though I wanted to stick a soggy grilled cheese sandwich right into Ms. Smuggypants’ ear, like a giant cheesy wet willy, I wanted the laws of grammar to bend at my will and for just one second, I wanted that poor, self-righteously dumb woman to be right, because I loathe Oprah that much. The condescension! The fact that she only talks about herself! And her many accomplishments! Hell, even in the grammar conversation she managed to talk about her damn school no fewer than three times. Because if you didn’t know, Oprah has a school, and she saves lives – thousands and thousands of lives – every day. Like Jesus. Jesus and Oprah are interchangeable, really.
I know. This isn’t new. Everyone hates Oprah. But I couldn’t stop ranting about it to Adam to the point where he rudely cut me off at dinner with, “We get it. You hate Oprah. WE KNOW.”
FYI, this vitriol also extends to Kelly Ripa for many of the same reasons, but with the added bonus of incessant perkiness related to, of course, herself and her wonderful life. Rachael Ray, however, I dig, for reasons unknown.
Entirely unrelated and also for reasons unknown, once in a while it occurs to me how much happier I am since I changed careers, and sometimes, in the infinitely nonsensical workings of the psyche, this bothers me. Because of course, I should have been able to hack it, as friends of mine work under similar circumstances and they seem just fine. I, however, was a stressed-out sniveling mess who couldn’t get up in the morning without wanting to throw up, and the amount of time I spent smiling each day was in the negative points range. I don’t know, I guess I’m wondering if I missed out on some sort of valuable work/life balance lesson by getting out. Shrug.
And finally, in the “Did you know? Of course you did!” category, did you know that if you mix half and half with vinegar, it curdles? Yes! You’re welcome. So if you’re looking to make a creamy low-fat salad dressing with apple cider vinegar and fat free half and half, you might want to re-think that. Because vinegar is also an acid! Like lime juice!
Did I ever tell you that I failed chemistry? Because I did, actually. Two semesters, in high school, and not because I didn’t try hard – oh, I did – but because I just didn’t get it. I know. Not much has changed.
*Snow. Y’all remember INFORMER! Of course you do. Again, you’re welcome.
Entry Filed under: Nuttin'
29 Comments Add your own
1. Jurgen Nation | March 26th, 2007 at 7:58 pm
Dear sweet Jeebus, I am now going to be singing that song for DAYS.
2. Orange Peacock | March 26th, 2007 at 8:05 pm
I’ll just hazard a guess and say that knowing you needed to get out of the insanely stressful job WAS the work-life balance lesson. Learning that it is, in fact, worthwhile to be happy and not dreading waking up and having to deal with work. Ta-da!
Also, I have disliked Oprah for so goshdarn long, and I’m glad other people are noticing too. Like, it irks me, because she’s the first self-made female millionaire, right? And I’m a feminist so I should be all ra-ra sisterhood or something. But the fact that she is not marketing a product, she is marketing HERSELF as AmericaJesus is way too creepy for me to stand. And that article in Salon about Oprah and The Secret just said it all better than I ever could.
3. -R- | March 26th, 2007 at 8:12 pm
I work with people who seem to LOVE LOVE LOVE working 20 hour days, and I had one hard week and was complaining to anyone who would listen. I feel kind of like a wimp, but really, it is ok to NOT want to work every waking moment and be stressed all the time.
You don’t keep boom boom down!
Or something. I have no idea what that guy is saying.
4. jonniker | March 26th, 2007 at 8:19 pm
OP: I’ve hated Oprah forEVAH. And that Salon article nailed it: Her culture of self-aggrandizement is completely out of control, and the “My Favorite Things” episodes have *always* demonstrated to me that she truly has no idea how the other half lives – the half that struggles to make ends meet, every day – when she puts so much value on things like Votivo candles and spa vacations.
And I WAS SO GLAD THEY NOTICED that when she opened that goddamn school? The one that’s totally elitist and a waste of money, if you ask me? She said, “Welcome to the proudest moment of my life.” Because, as usual, it’s ALL ABOUT HER.
I’d like to give her a grilled cheese wet willy, too.
R: According to a quick Google check, you’re not that far off. But can it really be “A licky boom boom down”? Really? A LICKY.
5. Jennifer | March 26th, 2007 at 8:23 pm
There are recipes that call for “sour milk.” That’s how you make it! You add vinegar to the milk!
6. jonniker | March 26th, 2007 at 8:27 pm
Jennifer: I imagine the ratio is something like 15 to 1, rather than 1 to 1, though, right? One to 1 is what I did, and lo, it was hideous. And unpleasant-tasting. Better living through chemistry! Or not.
7. Daily Tragedies | March 26th, 2007 at 9:06 pm
Yup, the song is officially stuck in my head. Took about three seconds. Damn you, woman!
RE: the career change — I’m currently trying to hack IN to a career that would utterly destroy any semblance of work/life balance, so clearly no one should be taking any advice from me. But I say, do what makes you happy. And if it’s legal and pays the bills, all the better!
8. winterwheat | March 26th, 2007 at 10:38 pm
Oh, don’t get me started on Oprah. Even though every show and magazine cover is about her, she has an amazing lack of self-reflexiveness. She did a couple of shows on pro-anorexia websites, talking about how they promote weight loss through unhealthful means. This, from the woman who went on a liquid diet to fit her size-8 jeans and pranced around in them on her show.
Actually, I had long thought she was really cool b/c she did a fabulous job acting in The Color Purple. And then one of my colleagues was on her show as an “expert” (you know, the requisite “expert” on each show, who used to be a variety of people but is now either “Dr. Phil” or someone else from her inner circle), and was treated with disdain. Then I spoke to more colleagues who had been on her show at various times and they all said that she sends her producers around ahead of time to farm their best quotes so she can say them herself! :-O
The truth is, I don’t trust *anyone* with as much power as she has. I think most of our celebrities are (a) people who feel they are nothing if not superfamous (hence the piles of money they pour into publicity), and (b) are surrounded by sycophants so they lose touch with the foolishness of their words and deeds. It’s kind of a shame that leading a balanced life with sound priorities doesn’t get you into the paper.
9. Andrea | March 27th, 2007 at 6:02 am
Licky boom boom down. Of COURSE I remember Informer! Off to read the post now.
10. erica | March 27th, 2007 at 6:14 am
Good LORD Snow. A-licky boom boom down indeed. I was working at Record Town in the mall when that came out and Snow and also En Vogue were in heavy rotation at the time. I swear I was being tortured for something at that point in my life. And that was when CDs were sold in those rigoddamndiculous plastic holders and I used to cut myself on them all the time. Fuckers.
Anyway, way to go with the obscure reference. Reason number 8 bazillion 73 why I like you.
11. Swistle | March 27th, 2007 at 6:16 am
I really enjoyed this post. I don’t like her, but didn’t realize others felt the same–or that it was “okay” not to like her. A friend of mine gave me a subscription to O Magazine, and the My Favorite Things section used to make me totally incredulous. $150 for a CANDLE? A SMALL candle? Is she seriously that out of touch?
12. Lawyerish | March 27th, 2007 at 6:32 am
Well, Jonna, you and I have had this conversation, but I just have to agree here on the record that Oprah sucks. I cannot DEAL with her show anymore; even when I am home retching from the flu I can’t sit through it without wanting to scream.
Here is every Oprah show: Twenty minutes of applause and screaming for Oprah’s entrance; five minutes of applause and screaming for the topic of the day; ten minutes of Oprah talking about how great she is and how the topic relates back to HER; five minutes of screaming for whatever soundbyte she throws out about living your best life or whatever (all of this, by the way, is interspersed with 57,000 commercials, of course, and half of the show time is spent on “coming up next…”); repeat ad nauseum.
I love what Winter Wheat said about Oprah’s producers coming around to smoke out the best quotes from the experts so that SHE can say them. HAHAHAHAHA!
13. Sadie | March 27th, 2007 at 6:42 am
heh. That Snow song? Makes it into discussion about my sex life every few weeks. How, you ask? Because the lyric REALLY IS “licky boom boom down,” and that’s become a cheeky euphemism with my boyfriend. As in, “do you want me to licky boom boom down?” *burning shame, and also, snicker*
14. Claire | March 27th, 2007 at 7:06 am
I also feel like a lot of this stuff is also true for Tyra Banks. Everything she says is ALL ABOUT HER.
Maybe there should just be less talk-shows. Maybe then life would be just a little bit better, eh?
15. jonniker | March 27th, 2007 at 7:13 am
Claire: Lawyerish could write a book on Tyra Banks and her loathing. Ask her. OH ASK HER.
Sadie: Now THAT is hilarious. And also, very graphic and will give me hilariously off-color images every time I think of that song, and let’s all thank God I don’t know what you look like, because thankfully, it is without visual for the time being.
16. mar | March 27th, 2007 at 7:18 am
omg! as soon as i read the title the song was going thru my head. eh, it’s better than what’s been on repeat here at work. maybe.
17. Andrea | March 27th, 2007 at 7:29 am
I used to like Oprah until I actually spent a week home sick and watched her show. Really. She’s so out of touch and it’s become obvious the “woman of the people” bit is just an act. She’s a professional conversationalist, a glorified mouth, and that’s really it. She tries to relate to people, but really she’s trying to relate people TO HER. Self-centered much?
18. Suebob | March 27th, 2007 at 7:40 am
Must I always be the contrarian? I have to cut Oprah some slack. Because when people just lose their shit because they MEET you, it has to start warping your self-image over time, and Miss O has been at this a long time. She has become a product, a brand, and a highly successful one. That has got to be a weird life, huh? I mean, how can you NOT drink your own Koolaid when you are constantly surrounded by people who tell you How Great Thou Art? Who is really going to step up to Oprah and say “Hey, you’re not all that?” And even if they did, she now has her well-armored personal mythology that I don’t believe anyone can penetrate.
But that My Favorite Things crap rankles me every time. I’m always yelling “No, $2000 is NOT an appropriate amount to spend on a purse!!”
19. Meg | March 27th, 2007 at 7:56 am
I love you like the sun, Suebob, but I don’t think adoration is a good enough excuse for the kind of self-aggrandizing, reality-removed behaviour she displays. I’ve been harping on Oprah for years and years and years because I can’t handle the mythology you speak of so eloquently.
She is a very, very smart woman, a shrewd businessperson, a funny and engaging speaker (when she’s speaking of something other than Oprah), and she’s even fairly tuned into the zeitgeist, but SHE’S NOT THE SECOND COMING. I have never, ever known another public figure that trumpets their own good works more, or names every damn project she’s on after herself.
It’s all PR to me now. I don’t think she has a genuinely charitable bone in her body anymore, or she’d learn the art of GIVING ANONYMOUSLY (which she probably does, but only because they didn’t have the budget for a giant cardboard cheque) or SHARING CREDIT.
I went batshit during the whole Frey shakeup, and I think I’m unable to give her the benefit of the doubt anymore.
I would be happy to stand up to her and tell her all these things, too. Even if her acolytes killed me in the middle of the night.
20. Jamie | March 27th, 2007 at 9:10 am
Have you noticed that Oprah’s undereye circles and baggage have been getting increasingly worse these days? Every time I see her seventeen layers of concealer NOT doing their job (because they’re not plastic surgery), I get an evil little smile on my face and snicker.
21. Amanda | March 27th, 2007 at 4:02 pm
“INFORMER! You know a slum-a-slum a yacka-bennn…a nikki boom boom down!”
That’s how I sing it in my head.
Also, you like Rachael Ray? I abhor her voice, her menacing grin, and her raunchy recipes.
PS: I’m watching Oprah right now.
22. metalia | March 27th, 2007 at 6:29 pm
Holy shit–Snow?! I um, totally had that CD, and I’m not proud. Moving on: I couldn’t agree with you more on Oprah; I do, however, secretly love Kelly Ripa, but that’s only because she totally made fun of herself on SNL, when she hosted a few years back, and was actually funny.
23. lightspeed | March 27th, 2007 at 6:50 pm
It’s probably a good thing you didn’t see today’s show. I did.
She really has become insuffrably smug.
24. Jennifer | March 27th, 2007 at 10:15 pm
Sorry to bring this up again but I just looked it up in my cookbook. You’re right, 1 cup milk and 1 Tbsp vinegar. Much different than 1:1! I bet your concoction was quite wild!
25. TwoBusy | March 28th, 2007 at 7:10 am
Am I losing my mind, or did your fish post vanish?
26. Sarie | March 28th, 2007 at 12:13 pm
First, I agree, Oprah is hateful and I can’t even get started on he topic because I will write a disseration.
Second, I don’t know if this was the original inspiration for your salad dressing and you knew this already, but if not, I wanted to tell you that you CAN make a great salad dressing with heavy cream and vinegar. Heavy cream is not low fat, of course, but you can whip it a LOT before putting in the dressing, thus adding a huge amount of air, so a little goes a long way and the calories in the amount you actually need to dress a regular portion of salad are not too bad.
27. Suebob | March 28th, 2007 at 1:46 pm
I actually make cheese by heating milk and putting vinegar or lemon juice in it and straining out the curds. It does not at all resemble salad dressing, but it is pretty good cheese.
And Meg, you’re right, of course, but my Pollyanna comes out. I really want to believe in the goodness of people.
28. Beth | March 28th, 2007 at 4:16 pm
I love Oprah – it amazes me how anyone can be that full of herself and still popular and I hope she never goes away because then who will I scoff at while wishing I had a tenth of her money?
29. Julie | April 7th, 2007 at 8:57 am
Everytime I read about Oprah (I cannot watch her because she has the same effect on me as nails on a chalkboard) I think of an Onion Headline” Millions of obsessed Oprah Fans sit on couch and wait for next instructions.”
She actually promoted the book “The Secret” which has a million laughable suggestions – one of them “Dont want to be fat? Dont look at fat people.”
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