Under the Influence
March 28th, 2007
I had a bison burger for dinner after an insatiable craving for more than a week, thinking it would somehow be better than, I don’t know, a regular burger, and while in theory, it is, but when I went to check out the nutritional information, I ACTUALLY DIED. Again and always with the dying, but really bison ain’t nothing but a big, fat lie, and thank you, Flex Points for making my stupid Ruby Tuesday’s buffalo dreams come true, even if they weren’t worth it.
I went to the doctor today, and I’m supposed to stretch and do yoga (YOGA OH HOLY CHRIST) for my plantar fasciitis, which continually renders me unable to walk after a run, hobbling around like a sad, waddling Weeble Wobble. Given that I’d like to run again, I’ve agreed to the stretching. Hence, I tried a yoga video tonight – one I’d done a hundred times before, in a different time, when I was somewhat in shape and, I don’t know, stretchy. Oh my God, I thought yoga was supposed to be relaxing? I’m not a yoga person. I’ve never been a yoga person, and worse, I act a little like a third grader in yoga, because when they start with the oohming and the namastes, I want to break into a Beavis and Butthead giggle and screech, “NAMASTE THIS, BITCHES!” and wave my middle finger around in a yogafied blind rage.
Namaste.
Last night as I was falling asleep, I was overcome with the urge to have a deep discussion with Adam about energy, and where it all goes, man. I believe my exact words were, “When we burn energy….where does it go, dude? Where does it go?” followed by, “And why are we here. I mean, why are we really here? ENERGY.”
Approximately 4.2 seconds after that, I passed out.
Finally, I got home early today and was greeted by perky little Sunny, all smiles and waggy tails and I was so excited to see her that I didn’t hear Adam yell downstairs, “DO NOT LET HER KISS YOU,” until she’d kissed me something in the range of 100 times. I’m not one of those people who’s freaked out by letting pets lick my face, and while I realize that many people find it horrifying, I figure what, most kitchen sponges and toilet seats are grosser than dogs’ mouths, right? Except today, not so much, because approximately 20 minutes prior to the welcome home kisses, Sunny had been snacking on poop. Lots and lots of poop, as Adam described and demonstrated in foul, excruciating detail, before he realized I didn’t hear him, and it was just merciless.
P.S. Chris Sligh? He’s a dick. He’s an arrogant, arrogant dickhead.
*James Morrison
Entry Filed under: Nuttin'
30 Comments Add your own
1. Jurgen Nation | March 28th, 2007 at 7:14 pm
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
IT HASN’T AIRED ON THE WEST COAST YET!!!!
Fuck.
But yeah, he’s a dick. Still…Sanjaya, is SO BAD.
2. Danell | March 28th, 2007 at 7:24 pm
That P.S. sounds personal…do you have any good stories about what makes him so arrogant? Or is it just the way he comes across on the show? I find him slightly revolting so I haven’t paid much attention to it when he’s on.
3. jonniker | March 28th, 2007 at 7:27 pm
oh Stace. Sorry. Um. I edited it for a little more… vagueness. I forget about the West Coast. Entirely. SORRY.
Danell: No. It’s just that I’ve felt SO ALONE in this. I mean, everyone seems to like him, right? Happy! He’s the chubby guy! HOORAY! Except, no. NO. He’s a dick. And arrogant. AND DICKY.
4. -R- | March 28th, 2007 at 7:45 pm
I feel similarly about yoga. It is supposed to make me relax, but it makes me all giggley and hyper and aggressive. I come out of yoga class wanting to fight people. So I have given up on yoga and moved onto… not working out at all.
5. Daily Tragedies | March 28th, 2007 at 8:14 pm
Yoga? That will make me stretchy? Because I really like running and I really hate stretching, and you can guess how well THAT combination works out, over, say, fifteen years. My high school flexibility (in the slightly-above-average range, I’d say) is but a distant memory.
6. kara marie | March 28th, 2007 at 9:05 pm
My favorite part of yoga is definitely the laying there at the end.
Why must dogs eat poop? Why?
7. page | March 28th, 2007 at 10:27 pm
http://sarahb.typepad.com/blog/2004/02/how_not_to_do_y.html
you HAVE to see this!
Namaste this, Bitches!
8. Gentry | March 29th, 2007 at 4:01 am
I just wrote an entry about how yoga is lame. Like Feng Sheu, I don’t think Westerners should be allowed to practice it. I’m russian/jewish, so I will practice ballet and not invoke Hindu gods with elephant trunks.
Also, I’m the luckiest pug owner in the world because Napoléon hates poo. But he has been known to tentatively lick other dog’s pee.
9. jonniker | March 29th, 2007 at 4:42 am
AH! Page, that’s funny. I’m glad someone else feels the same way I do, except there is no, and I mean NO WAY I could have one arm up flipping off the TV without dying.
(Also do you have some kind of insane photographic memory that you remember things from 2004? I can’t remember yesterday!)
10. TwoBusy | March 29th, 2007 at 6:29 am
I love the buffalo. Love love love it. I can’t talk to the Ruby Tuesday’s interpretation thereof, but a good piece of buffalo is like a beautiful, smoky piece of beef… mmm…
Also: the thing about Weebles is that they wobble, but they don’t fall down. Which, I believe, disqualifies you.
11. Lawyerish | March 29th, 2007 at 6:32 am
I haven’t really seen the dickiness of Chris Sligh. What did I miss? I mean, his butchering of “Every Little Thing She Does is Magic” was a horror unto itself, but I haven’t gotten wind of the dickiness. Not that I think he’s Mr. Nice Guy, either; I basically had no opinion about him other than that he looks like Jack Osbourne with a perm.
ENERGY.
12. EDW | March 29th, 2007 at 6:47 am
There’s got to be a Yoga for Runners video without all the soul, right? If that isn’t possible, try a yoga for kids one. i have one for my kid that’s all about laughing through the poses. Although those kids do way better yoga than i ever could, and that might enrage you as it sometimes does me.
13. jonniker | March 29th, 2007 at 6:51 am
TB: I like buffalo (we have a restaurant down here that specializes in it, if you can believe it), but really, at that point, I was craving a burger and thought hey! This will be HELPFUL! And I deluded myself into thinking that sure, bison will be lower in calories and fat that a regular burger, and while it is, when you’re talking about the 800 and up category, does it matter? Le sigh.
However, have you had the ostrich burger at Henrietta’s Table? Best burger I’ve had ever, anywhere.
14. TwoBusy | March 29th, 2007 at 7:28 am
Nope. I should probably try ostrich again, as I only had it once about 10 years ago… and was not at all pleased with the results.
15. page | March 29th, 2007 at 7:58 am
You’re so funny. Nah, I linked it a while back (http://blog.myspace.com/pagebender), and “Namaste, Bitches!!” goes through my head whenever I teach/take a class. I mean, pubis flesh… buttocks… it will never leave my brain!!!
I’ve been on vacation with my dad and, therefore, on hiatus from WW. I’m a little scared of what the outcome will be. He is very much a fast food guy, though he will do Subway, thank god. I need yoga, exercise, real food- AHHHHHH!
16. Amanda | March 29th, 2007 at 8:22 am
So sorry about the fecal loving. Yuck.
17. magpie | March 29th, 2007 at 8:41 am
Skip the yoga and get a night brace…it’ll work wonders on the plantar fasciitis.
18. Beth | March 29th, 2007 at 9:53 am
I swear I have never done this in my life, because I think it is sort of annoying, but for some reason I feel I just have to share my own yoga philosophy with you, and that is best done by sending here.
Sorry.
19. jonniker | March 29th, 2007 at 10:32 am
Beth: BAH! This is why I attempt yoga at home, though I admit it would be nice to have a teacher to explain to me how the hell to do it, because I know I’m doing it wrong.
Re: the Chris Sligh dickiness. Am I alone in that he just seeps arrogance? That’s what I meant. I was so, so happy to see him go. So happy. Although Sanjaya. Oh sweet Sanjaya.
20. Danell | March 29th, 2007 at 11:42 am
The arrogance is perhaps why I would have gotten immense enjoyment from seeing him trip and fall and smash his way-too-small-for-his-big-fat-head nose on the floor. Not that arrogance makes me snarky or anything.
21. Jennifer | March 29th, 2007 at 12:55 pm
OK, so the yoga story points out a good thing about working with (and, being one, I guess) a bunch of geeky engineers. One of the geeky engineers is a yoga instructor! So he gives yoga classes after work! And he doesn’t do any of the “ohms” and “feel the light” crap. Rather, he explains how each pose benefits which muscles, as well as exactly how to do them so you don’t hurt yourself by stretching the wrong way. Really hooked me on yoga, because after only a short while, a couple bicycling-related injuries (back spasm, ugh) went away!! And I also sleep really well after an afternoon of all that stretching.
He should make a video. If he does, I’ll send you one.
22. Jhianna | March 29th, 2007 at 3:22 pm
Okay, so if I ever do actually take a Yoga class, I just know that I’m going to be doing the evil giggle thing and trying to stifle the “Namaste this, Bitches!”
hehehehee
23. Mauigirl52 | March 29th, 2007 at 7:45 pm
I always start out the yoga class feeling that restless hyper feeling but I have to admit by the end of the class I am actually less stressed. So there may be something to it. But I haven’t been to class in a year because I just plain got out of the habit of it. And I’m really bad at it too, I must admit. The place I go has assistants who come around and straighten your spine and whatnot, and they’re always coming by me and “fixing” the way I’m posed.
But, LOL…Namaste, bitches…and I laughed so hard at the post that Page linked to as well. As for your plantar fasciitis – a friend of mine had it and all she had to do is stretch her foot in the morning before she got out of bed. It’s easier than a whole yoga class. She’s fine now.
24. Dave | March 31st, 2007 at 7:54 pm
Every time I eat some sort of nonstandard animal flesh I always end up thinking about the tremendous effort we as a species have expended in identifying and breeding the tastiest of the other species. Seriously, there’s no such thing as a McBison for good reason!
Also, I’ve spent a good deal of time meditating, but the one time I took a yoga class the only enlightened thought I had was GOOD GOD I AM OLD. At one point I got stuck in a pose, and although I don’t remember clearly because of the searing pain in my back, I think the instructor made me say, “I’m your biatch” before she helped me up. Namaste this indeed.
25. Dave | March 31st, 2007 at 8:03 pm
BTW. I’ll take Chris Sligh over Melinda Doolittle any day. I am so sick of her “Oh dear this is the first compliment I have ever received in my life” expression. TAKE A COMPLIMENT ALREADY YOU NECKLESS WONDER!
26. Heath | April 10th, 2007 at 7:44 pm
Um, for the fascitis, you can also roll the arch of your foot on a rolling pin or golf ball or even a frozen water bottle for 10 minutes every night in lieu of yoga. (I don’t hobble like Yoda every morning any more! It works!)
27. Muscle And Fitness&hellip | November 7th, 2007 at 8:58 am
Muscle And Fitness
I couldn’t understand some parts of this article, but it sounds interesting
28. san diego yoga&hellip | November 20th, 2009 at 3:16 am
san diego yoga…
Consider that there are numerous different types and styles of yoga that have been developed over the years. So, you can select your yoga practice according to your fitness level. Thus, the practice of yoga can assure you all the benefit from the disci…
29. Matt | June 15th, 2011 at 5:04 pm
I had to do yoga in college. I can’t imagine what it would be like to have to do it on the reg.
If you’re still having plantar fasciitis problems, check out for stylish shoes for women that provide lots of orthopedic support and comfort.
Hope things are doing better with your feet.
30. Matt | June 15th, 2011 at 5:05 pm
Sorry, I screwed up the link for:
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