Ticket to the Moon
April 1st, 2007
Somewhere, Gail Simmons is cackling madly, finally getting revenge for all those times I made fun of her for being a stuck-up spoiled brat with the personality of a dial tone. I tried a recipe from Food & Wine magazine tonight, and while I’ve had some astonishing culinary success lately (really!), this one absolutely kicked my ass and left the kitchen a smoky mess full of Thai grilled chicken shrapnel and singed grains of rice.
Also, thanks for your comments on Friday’s entry. I stupidly didn’t even allow myself to register that I was even getting into the working mom debate before I launched off, and for that I apologize. Also, it’s worth nothing that while I realize that whenever and however parenthood happens, the best laid plans will be pointless, I need to have a plan in place, no matter how moot, because that’s just how I work. There.
But really, you won’t remember I said any of this, if history is any indication, because are you ready for the news I have for you?
I got my period four days early, and while this is a thousand shades of annoying for a multitude of frustrating reasons, it does mean an early review of the Moon Cup. Oh yes, the Moon Cup again, for the love of all that is holy. For the record, I ended up purchasing a Moon Cup at the local health food store and keeping the erroneously sent Keeper for back up. Because I’m wuss who can’t assert herself to a bunch of menstrual cup zealots and politely explain that I got the wrong item. Nope.
The short version: I love it. The end.
The long version: This love was not without its challenges, although overall it was so much easier than I expected. I anticipated this wild learning curve fraught with hours, days, weeks of pain, leakage and agony, not to mention the torture of insertion. I am happy to report that there isn’t a single ounce of leakage, and once it’s in there, it’s somewhat obvious that it’s not going to happen.
However, insertion? NOT SO FUN, at least at first. There was that one horrible moment where I let go of the fold too soon and it bloomed right on top of my girly bits and there was some shrieking and general freaking out, because there was blood! BLOOD! I’d CUT MYSELF WITH THE MOON CUP. I WAS BLEEDING. And shrieking some more! AND BLEEDING!
Well, um…duh.
To insert, I folded it in half, then in half again, and that was just fine. I didn’t need to go for some sort of wild origami fold or any of the fancy-dancy artistic folds I kept reading about. And it’s a good thing, because if I’m doing origami, I’m making a dove or maybe an elephant, not a menstrual cup.
I’ll also say that the rubber stem was a bit of an issue at first, and I made the mistake of inserting the little sucker right before taking the dog on a long walk, and all I could feel was this godawful rubber stem twirling around down there and I just wanted to cut it right off, but as it turned out, I was simply in need of an…adjustment. So don’t go scissor-happy, is what I’m saying. Try it a few times first. Certainly if it’s jamming out like a pole between your legs and it’s visible through your pants, for God’s sake, cut it off, but if it’s just a minor awareness, try moving it around a little to see where it falls.
And finally, oh holy God, the removal. THE REMOVAL. I won’t even go into the emptying issues, except to say that they are pretty much non-existent and the whole thing was a piece of cake to remove and empty and whatever, God, let me just move on. However, the whole “seal” thing that someone brought up? THERE IS A SEAL, AND LO, IT IS SUCTIONY. Do not, for the love of all that is holy, just go tugging on the stem, because you will break the seal and there will be this giant “THWAP!” and you will be convinced, if you’re anything like me, that you have just given yourself an at-home hysterectomy, such is the vacuum-like power of the Moon Cup. So please, gently push on the side of the cup part, THEN pull. Don’t just pull. I’ll say it again: DO NOT JUST PULL OH HOLY SUCTION.
I also cannot stop taking it out and putting it back in, because I’m not totally convinced that I only need to do it twice a day, however, this is possibly the least necessary thing I’ve done in a long time. One ounce is a lot, and for me to fill it, I have a sinking feeling it would mean I was hemorrhaging to death.
In other news, that plate of crow I had for dinner was totally awesome.
And because this may be the last time I’ll get to use the twirling image of The Keeper. Whoo hoo!
*ELO
Entry Filed under: Nuttin'
27 Comments Add your own
1. Angella | April 1st, 2007 at 7:23 pm
You are hilarious! And I hope it’s the last time you have to use it
2. jenfromboston | April 1st, 2007 at 7:35 pm
I was laughing so hard I had to cover my mouth to keep from waking my beloved. Because NO WAY I am explaining to him what I am laughing at.
Oh my god. you are funny…
this is the part that did me in (if you care)
“because you will break the seal and there will be this giant “THWAP!” and you will be convinced, if you’re anything like me, that you have just given yourself an at-home hysterectomy”
Yeah, I just woke him up with my laughing reading that again. Christ, I’m still giggling…
3. Cee | April 1st, 2007 at 7:58 pm
I too just had to do a “Oh, nothing!” in response to a “what’s so funny?” comment. And I’m of the view that if a recipe results in Thai grilled chicken shrapnel, lo, it is a crap recipe., and certainly not a reflection of your culinary skills.
4. Liz | April 1st, 2007 at 8:31 pm
“An at-home hysterectomy” made me laugh really, really hard – and I, too was afraid to explain my laughter to the only other person in the house. Because she is three. And the idea of explaining catching of vaginal blood in a cup would be tantamount to sending her to a screening of Saw III.
Thanks. I needed that laugh.
5. Schnozz | April 1st, 2007 at 10:59 pm
Hey, I respect a girl who can eat her crow while also singing praises so loudly. Welcome to the fam. (Gives Jonna awkward hug.)
And that stem will turn on you. I’m telling you. When you least expect it and when you can do nothing about it. MARK MY WORDS.
6. Humuhumu | April 2nd, 2007 at 12:07 am
I second Schnozz on the stem — you’ve got to get it before it gets you. You have the upper hand right now, and it’s just waiting until you’ve let your guard down. Strike now!
Say, has all this discussion led to some… unusual searches leading to your site? Since posting about the Diva Cup on my blog, I’ve had a bunch of people get to the site by searching for “diva cup smell”. I’m hoping that’s not foreshadowing for an issue that’ll rear its head a year down the road.
7. Schnozz | April 2nd, 2007 at 1:20 am
Diva cup smell … eww. Rubbing alcohol is your friend. Rubbing alcohol is your friend.
8. Gentry | April 2nd, 2007 at 2:04 am
My God! I’ve been waiting for this entry! And it did not disappoint. Also, your period, on passover? Coincidence? I think not.
9. Urban Chick | April 2nd, 2007 at 2:16 am
*snorts*
that pretty much mirrors my early experiences with da cup
doesn’t it just rock? don’t you feel like you’ve discovered the secret of life? are you stopping other (ostensibly) menstruating women in the street to spread the good news?
no? oh, so just me, then
just me who bought one for my sisters for christmas (although i encouraged them to open them away from the menfolk in case they came over queasy)
i mean! the chicklets already figured out what it’s for (‘mummy – is that for your blood?’) WAH!
p.s. i kinda enjoy the THWAP sensation (although i was also concerned about the possibility of an at-home hysterectomy)
p.p.s. obviously this is WAY more information than you (or your other readers) needed/wanted
p.p.p.s. my keeper is not twirling *disappointed* MAKE IT TWIRL!
10. Allison | April 2nd, 2007 at 3:44 am
It was me with the suction comment. And this post settles it. I’m getting one!
11. Melanie | April 2nd, 2007 at 5:34 am
That whole entry had me cracking up like a deranged woman. I so need to get a Moon Cup or something after all this debate and brouhaha about them. Plus I am sick to death of tampons.
12. Christine | April 2nd, 2007 at 6:21 am
Ahh, welcome to the world of the Moon Cup.
13. TwoBusy | April 2nd, 2007 at 6:23 am
You’d think that, by this point, I would have learned not to read this blog while eating breakfast.
14. Sundry | April 2nd, 2007 at 8:45 am
Oh my GOOOOOD. No no no no no. No Diva/Moon/Chamomile-Tea-Patchouli-Essence Cup for me. Twirling. Suction. Wah.
15. Claire | April 2nd, 2007 at 9:03 am
woohoo! hahahaha!! oh, jonna… you make me laugh.
because of you, i’m patiently waiting for my time to try my sparkely brand new divacup out, so thanks for the review. i’ll be less likely to freak out now and stress everytime i have to go to the bathroom. ok. good. no disgusting, crime-scene-like aftermath.
always so good to hear that.
ahem.
TWIRL, dammit! TWIRL! heee!
16. Jamie | April 2nd, 2007 at 10:27 am
I sense you’re having issues separating with the beautiful brown bomber that is the Keeper. Perhaps a new masthead is in order? Why not take menstrual cycle comedy to the next level?
17. Lawyerish | April 2nd, 2007 at 10:33 am
Oh, FINE. I will try the DivaCup. But only because I want the DivaCup pin that comes free with purchase.
18. Danell | April 2nd, 2007 at 11:01 am
oh my god, just the STEM talk is enough to make me pee my pants laughing.
19. winterwheat | April 2nd, 2007 at 11:46 am
Hooray! I’m glad it worked. I haven’t tried my DivaCupTRADEMARK yet but can’t wait until Aunt Flo comes to the door so I can stick it on her head like a big plunger. Halt, Flo! Advance no further!
20. Mauigirl52 | April 2nd, 2007 at 3:36 pm
LOL, glad you liked it! It sounds like a great improvement. I think I’ll try it next time…too bad I didn’t discover it when I was a little less close to menopause!
It sounds like one of those things they should’ve invented years ago. Like, I grew up in the 60′s when we still used those ridiculous belts, which you had to attach the pads with? When they came out with the stick on pads, it was one of those “Duh” moments – why didn’t they think of THAT before? (Like rolling luggage…another idea that seems very obvious in hindsight).
21. Heather B. | April 2nd, 2007 at 7:28 pm
I love that you were freaking out about the bleeding. For that is something I would do as well.
But umm…yeah…whatever floats your boat, my dear.
22. Rhea | April 2nd, 2007 at 8:51 pm
I think you’ve convinced me, I’ve been waffling on this for months and those guys should pay you for an excellent sell.
23. Shannon | April 2nd, 2007 at 10:44 pm
OMG girl, that was hysterical. I do have to say that there could be no review too funny or too glowing about the Diva Cup that would ever inspire me to tread those waters. I mean, are there just throngs of women out there having serious issues with tampons that I’m unaware of? They’ve always worked for me!
24. kara marie | April 3rd, 2007 at 6:58 am
My period started yesterday, and I am using my new Diva Cup. I LOVE IT. I can’t believe how easy it is, and I keep having this nagging thought, that “Oh how long has it been?” question I never shake while wearing a tampon. But with the cup, I just sigh happily and realize it’s been nine hours and I still have three to go. Also, no leaking, which I was worried about. I giggled hysterically when mine suctioned the first time. I agree about prying it loose.
But, yes! So nice! I’m going on a trip in a few days, and I am SO. GLAD. I have this.
The end.
25. jes | April 3rd, 2007 at 12:54 pm
See, the thing is that I cannot get past the fact that an upside-down Liberty Bell would be…up there.
Also, this goes against laws of gravity, and I fear…laying down. For a nap. Or slumber. AND WAKING UP IN A POOL OF BLOOD.
And, uh, crow?
26. Schnozz | April 4th, 2007 at 12:12 am
Jes: Uh oh. Do you realize that you are soon to spend a lot of time with the DIVA CUP ADVOCATE EXTRAORDINAIRE? (That would be me, BTW.)
I’ll convince you if it’s the last thing I do. Muaaahaaahaaa!
27. Swistle | April 15th, 2007 at 12:53 pm
This was so funny. Also: useful. Because the first time I use it, I do NOT want to have a “suction” experience, I think I can say that without fear of changing my mind later.
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