Archive for April 5th, 2007

Untitled and Unsung

A final note about the Moon Cup/Keeper/Diva Cup…wait, where are you going? No no! This is fast! And honest! And important, because I’m afraid my zeal the other day might have clouded the very real drawbacks, the most important of which is the emptying.

I mean, as much as I’d like to be all zen-like about periods and sit back and crow about how natural it all is, blah blah BLAH, the sheer fact of the matter is that it’s gross. And unpleasant. It’s just extremely un-fun and kind of makes me feel a little ill. Is it enough to stop me? No, because I’m not very easily grossed out by the sight of blood. If you are easily grossed out, or if you cannot stand the sight of…well, that…then you should not even attempt such a thing. I cannot really emphasize this enough.

< end period talk >

I learned today that the fastest way to delight and amuse your coworkers is to eat a gargantuan plate of Amy’s organic saag paneer and rice (six points!) and kim chee (zero points!) which, if you were ever wondering, makes the entire office smell like you farted approximately 4.5 million times, even if you did not, in fact, fart, despite the fact that farting is inevitable, given the kim chee. Seeing as I was alone, however, I’m pretty sure they didn’t realize this, and there are at least five coworkers telling their friends and family about the stealth Office Farter, and it appears that I am that farter.

We’ve got a shitload of family coming in next week, which means we need toilet paper and lots of it, because God knows I use enough for three people, and since three people are actually staying with us, plus four more visiting, I need to be prepared to spare a square. Hooray, Costco! Home of the 1,000-pack toilet paper.

This is certainly nothing original, but who doesn’t marvel at the giant sizes of everything and wonder, who in the hell needs three gallons of mayonnaise, and what on earth do they plan to do with it? Ditto Mt. Olive pickle relish. Pickle relish should never come in a container larger than four ounces, and Mt. Olive pickle relish, even less. But while that is all very fascinating, and yes, indeed, a can of tuna the size of a basketball is a something to behold, I’m much more fascinated by the 40-packs of avocados, because honest to God, I can’t imagine needing more than two avocados at a clip, and I’ve been daydreaming about why the family in front of me had two bags, and can only assume they have an unrivaled penchant for guacamole, which I would give my right nipple for, per usual. Both nipples for a cupcake.

I hope y’all have a great holiday weekend. For our part, we’ll be continuing the toilet paper restockage and cleaning the floors (with knee pads! Dude, we bought KNEE PADS! I’ve never been so excited to clean a floor in my life. KNEE. PADS.) and completely ignoring Easter as we do every year until we try to figure out what to have for dinner and realize with shock and awe that nothing, just NOTHING, is freaking open and we have ramen and maybe some Chef Boyardee.

*Belly.

15 comments April 5th, 2007


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