Untitled and Unsung
April 5th, 2007
A final note about the Moon Cup/Keeper/Diva Cup…wait, where are you going? No no! This is fast! And honest! And important, because I’m afraid my zeal the other day might have clouded the very real drawbacks, the most important of which is the emptying.
I mean, as much as I’d like to be all zen-like about periods and sit back and crow about how natural it all is, blah blah BLAH, the sheer fact of the matter is that it’s gross. And unpleasant. It’s just extremely un-fun and kind of makes me feel a little ill. Is it enough to stop me? No, because I’m not very easily grossed out by the sight of blood. If you are easily grossed out, or if you cannot stand the sight of…well, that…then you should not even attempt such a thing. I cannot really emphasize this enough.
< end period talk >
I learned today that the fastest way to delight and amuse your coworkers is to eat a gargantuan plate of Amy’s organic saag paneer and rice (six points!) and kim chee (zero points!) which, if you were ever wondering, makes the entire office smell like you farted approximately 4.5 million times, even if you did not, in fact, fart, despite the fact that farting is inevitable, given the kim chee. Seeing as I was alone, however, I’m pretty sure they didn’t realize this, and there are at least five coworkers telling their friends and family about the stealth Office Farter, and it appears that I am that farter.
We’ve got a shitload of family coming in next week, which means we need toilet paper and lots of it, because God knows I use enough for three people, and since three people are actually staying with us, plus four more visiting, I need to be prepared to spare a square. Hooray, Costco! Home of the 1,000-pack toilet paper.
This is certainly nothing original, but who doesn’t marvel at the giant sizes of everything and wonder, who in the hell needs three gallons of mayonnaise, and what on earth do they plan to do with it? Ditto Mt. Olive pickle relish. Pickle relish should never come in a container larger than four ounces, and Mt. Olive pickle relish, even less. But while that is all very fascinating, and yes, indeed, a can of tuna the size of a basketball is a something to behold, I’m much more fascinated by the 40-packs of avocados, because honest to God, I can’t imagine needing more than two avocados at a clip, and I’ve been daydreaming about why the family in front of me had two bags, and can only assume they have an unrivaled penchant for guacamole, which I would give my right nipple for, per usual. Both nipples for a cupcake.
I hope y’all have a great holiday weekend. For our part, we’ll be continuing the toilet paper restockage and cleaning the floors (with knee pads! Dude, we bought KNEE PADS! I’ve never been so excited to clean a floor in my life. KNEE. PADS.) and completely ignoring Easter as we do every year until we try to figure out what to have for dinner and realize with shock and awe that nothing, just NOTHING, is freaking open and we have ramen and maybe some Chef Boyardee.
*Belly.
Entry Filed under: Nuttin'
15 Comments Add your own
1. Andrea | April 5th, 2007 at 7:15 pm
Yay for bulk toilet paper!
And who doesn’t love the candy aisle? That’s diet busting right there. My only way to avoid that aisle is to steer into the produce. Sometimes a 40 pound bag of apples (or avacados) is the only saving grace that keeps me from burying my face in a bag of caramels the size of a bag of dog food.
And yay for bulk dog food!
2. metalia | April 5th, 2007 at 8:56 pm
Costco…DROOL. Whenever we go there, I enter a fugue state wherein I become convinced that I cannot live a rich and fulfilling life without a five-pound barrel of cheese puffs/huge-ass tray of croissants/enough batteries to survive a nuclear holocaust.
Have fun with your family!
3. page | April 5th, 2007 at 9:08 pm
ok. i heart you. enough to let my capitalization slip- sorry. i heart the points count, the diva cup, the fact that yesterday i mentioned ot the boy that we went through, like, a roll of toilet paper a day, the farting, the eastering, the everything. heart ya like hell. avocados? 2 if that. esp on WW. and cupcakes? holy fuck. 2 pounds and i get one. but the sucker better be good. seriously.
4. Sadie | April 6th, 2007 at 5:40 am
I am also fascinated and a little horrified by the bulk foods at warehouse stores (locally it’s Sam’s Club or BJs)…the only time I shop there is when I am having my annual 4th of July cookout, which entails feeding about 50 people. The first year I threw this party, I bought a Heinz three-pack of massive bottles of ketchup, yellow mustard, and sweet pickle relish. I think they were like a half-gallon size each. I entertained FIFTY hot-dog- and hamburger-hoovering adults AND STILL, after the cookout was over, had not used 1/2 of the copious condiments. Gross. And, in the end, a waste of money.
So that you don’t end up in a beefaroni crisis on Sunday night, I implore you to go to the grocery store tonight or tomorrow and get yourself something Eastery to eat, like cookies. and eggs. and asparagus. There is a good WW recipe for a frittata with asparagus!
5. guinness girl | April 6th, 2007 at 6:42 am
Wow, y’all are die hard floor cleaners. Knee pads? Wanna come clean my floor when you get done? Pretty please?
6. lizgwiz | April 6th, 2007 at 9:02 am
I love kim chee. But yeah, it is best eaten sparingly.
7. winterwheat | April 6th, 2007 at 9:04 am
OMG, holiday weekend? Sunday is f’ing EASTER?! OMG, how did I miss this? I am a bad. mom. BAD. MOM. What do you put in an Easter basket for a baby?? *panics*
8. Suebob | April 6th, 2007 at 9:06 am
I will not go to Costco. I don’t care if they are handing out free bags of avocadoes with every purchase and if toilet paper is 10 cents a roll. I will not go have them treat me like a thief – checking my receipt on the way out – without suspicion. Is there no room for human dignity in this world anymore? And besides, who could fit a basketball-sized can of tuna in their pants?
9. Swistle | April 6th, 2007 at 10:38 am
The update on the Diva Cup is EXACTLY what I was hoping for. You would think I could get to capacity on this topic, but as yet, no.
We’ve never had a Costco membership, mostly because we’ve never lived near enough to one to use it. They freaked me out, though, by not even letting us INTO THE STORE without a membership card. I guess this saves problems at the check-out counter, but it was weird to be stopped by a security guard as if we were trying to crash a celebrity party, when really we just wanted to compare toilet paper prices.
10. Leah | April 6th, 2007 at 11:18 am
Mormons love Costco. Ten kids can eat a lot of tuna and mayo.
As for me, I like having 1,000 rolls of toilet paper in the house. It makes me feel wealthy. Look how much I can wipe in quilted comfort! Tra la!
11. Jennifer | April 6th, 2007 at 12:12 pm
We got a Costco membership last summer as a gift from my mom (she’s been assimilated… none may say anything negative about C in her presence). And, I’m sorry to say, every time I go in there I can’t really find anything that I feel compelled to buy. I don’t need (and have no room for) TWO five-gallon bottles of maple syrup. The million rolls of toilet paper is a good idea, since even the smallest family will eventually go through it all, but it’s not very good quality TP… better than one-ply, but the 24-pack in the grocery store is nearly as cheap and is much softer and more durable. Plus beware the lure of Costco products. Once you’re in there, you get it in your head that everything’s a bargain, but it’s not. I was looking for a new Master padlock for the gym, and I found the same one at Home Depot for 20% less than Costco’s prices.
I know lots of people love Costco, but we probably won’t renew our membership. I’ll just stock up on Cascade Complete dish soap (the one thing I do buy there!) before our membership expires!
12. claire | April 6th, 2007 at 12:13 pm
oh yeah. my mother used to buy the mayo. i know. but it was actually pretty economical when she was making 3 sandwiches every day for school lunches. gross, i know.
for a school biology project in fermentation, i made a huge batch of kim chee for the class. which was also kind of gross, considering how long the stuff has to sit in a dark, room-temperature place before it becomes kim chee and not just shredded cabbage. my teacher had me store it in one of the lab table’s cabinets for about two weeks to let it uh.. ripen. what made me share that with you? i don’t know…
13. Leah | April 6th, 2007 at 9:34 pm
I was at a hippy grocery store tonight and sought out a DivaCup. I poked at it and giggled and showed Simon and then left it on the shelf. I think I need to work up a little more confidence…
p.s. It was clear.
14. Pattie | April 7th, 2007 at 11:21 am
After suiffering a period from hell this past week, the likes of which ordinary femine products could not contain, that Diva Cup is looking a wee bit enticing to me.
15. elise | April 8th, 2007 at 11:34 am
I don’t care how gross it is (and it is), the Diva Cup is the best thing in the world!
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