The Life of Riley
April 17th, 2007
I left my credit card at the grocery store this evening, which caused a major back up in the line and required the manager to flag me down in the parking lot, since I’d also, apparently, failed to hit ‘okay’ on that dumbass little keypad. For reasons unknown, I decided that an appropriate response would be to abandon my shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot and run – yes, run – back into the store yelling to no one in particular, “GOSH, I just got so excited I ran right out of here! Sorry! EXCITED!”
I had to say it twice, I guess, for reasons unknown, which drew more awkwardness as I muttered to myself through the parking lot “Excited…EXCITED?” over and over again. I can only guess I was excited about eating Sundry’s Spicy Shrink-Yer-Butt salad, which I eat roughly three times a week (SO GOOD).
Speaking of butt shrinking, this morning was weigh-in day at Weight Watchers, and I lost half a pound this week, which moved the WW engine to give me a little sob story about how I’m probably “ambivalent” about this, when quite frankly, I was thrilled to bits, because at least I didn’t gain anything, given the proximity to piles of pizza, bacon and potato skins for the past week. What I am flat-out bitter about, however, is that little half pound was enough to push me into a different point class, which means I’m losing a daily point. The heartbreak. Jesus. That’s an apple. A glug of milk. Every day. It just seems totally unfair to offer that as a reward for losing weight. Congratulations! Now you have to eat even less!
Unrelated (per usual), we live in a really wealthy town, and it’s an odd sort of all-encompassing rich where the poor or even the middle class are hidden so far away that you can’t see them. Money – lots and lots and lots of money – is everywhere, and it’s created a sort of strange alternate reality, since the vast, and honestly, I mean the vast, majority of residents have incomes that are blindingly far beyond the national average. How they let the two of us in is beyond me, and further, why haven’t they kicked us out?
Adam overheard a conversation recently where a man and his wife were trying to determine the typical shopper demographic of Target, only to have the wife come to the conclusion that it’s a store designed for “poor, lower-income people, right? I mean, I’ve never been in one, of course.”
Chappy apparently nodded in agreement, and then let loose with a light, tinkly sort of giggle and marveled at how wonderful it is to fart rosebuds and gold ingots.
It boggles the mind that are people who are so sheltered they’ve never been in a Target, where they’re missing out on some really stellar boxed wine, is what I’m saying.
Anyway. The whole point of this is that high school graduation is coming up, and do you know what happens at high school graduation? Hummers happen, and I wish I was talking about blow jobs, because at least they’re more…appropriate. The graduation gift du jour is a Hummer – an H2 – with a big red bow on it. Last year, a female acquaintance had just moved here, and after seeing row upon row of bowed Hummers, was actually moved to innocently ask if Hummer was having some sort of spring special where they were immeasurably cheap.
I’m just not sure that I could, in good conscience, give my kid a Hummer for graduation no matter what my financial circumstances were. I mean, unless we’re expecting some sort of small, obscure-town urban warfare that I’m not aware of, or perhaps the deep south is expecting 15 feet of snow next winter, and no one told me. Granted, we really aren’t car people, as evidenced by the two nondescript, slightly decrepit Hondas in the driveway, but still.
Isn’t that a bit…excessive? I can’t help but wonder: if your kids are getting Hummers at 18, what on earth could they possibly have to look forward to later in life? It just doesn’t scream “bright, self-sufficient, well-adjusted kid” to me.
*Lightning Seeds. Do you remember them? I really liked them back in 1994 or so…such a catchy little number, that Life of Riley, and woefully unavailable on iTunes, and I only have it on cassette.
Entry Filed under: Nuttin'
21 Comments Add your own
1. Carolyn J. | April 17th, 2007 at 8:34 pm
You know, Hummers are lousy at driving over improvised explosive devices (IEDs). Have you any suggestions?
2. mere | April 17th, 2007 at 8:52 pm
Love, love, love the Lightening Seeds! Reminds me of my first apartment in San Francisco and driving in the summer fog.
3. Christine | April 17th, 2007 at 9:10 pm
My god. The Hummer. Do you know how often I see people who clearly don’t live in the center of Philadelphia park their wide ass cars on my street often parking in between spots and taking up two? Taking two of my parking spaces. Apparently it’s cool to spend entirely too much on a car, too much on gas, and then not pay for the effing $9 parking across the way, instead stealing my spot. Grr. I have aggression over the parking situation. But as I’m not into keying cars…too violent, damaging, etc. I’ve decided to remedy the situation by leaving offenders a note indicating that now everyone knows exactly how miniscule their penis is. And also to park in a lot, asshole.
Unfortunately as these are young teenagers, I might not to the same in your situation. Blech to the Hummer.
4. Amy | April 17th, 2007 at 10:02 pm
I refuse to judge your grocery excitement without knowing what else was in your cart. I must say — in lieu of certain other satisfactions in my life, there is some stuff at the grocery store that can get me pretty darned keyed up.
Anyone who refuses to enjoy the all-American goodness that is Target is small-minded and mean and doesn’t deserve the deep satisfaction of viewing an entire wall of Oxo kitchen implements, every one of them yours for the buying. Loooove those squishy handles, yes, I do.
5. Jennifer | April 18th, 2007 at 12:21 am
I got my most loved hoody zip-up sweatshirt at Target, but of course Chappy and the missus would never wear one of those!
I love the Sundry salad too, I eat it ALL the time! And I keep returning to the store for more bagged triple-hearts lettuce.
6. Boutros | April 18th, 2007 at 4:09 am
Lightning Seeds. I searched for them on iTunes recently, too. Didn’t they sing that Pure and Simple song, too?
7. Swistle | April 18th, 2007 at 4:46 am
This is the second time in about a week I’ve read that someone (not the blogger, but someone the blogger overheard) thinks Target is low-income and trashy. Whuh? Why are they saying that HEAVEN ITSELF is not good enough for them? Even if I WERE rich, I would still want to shop at Target. Furthermore, I think of them as high-class, because the other choice in our area is W@lmart, and W@lmart IS trashy.
I thought the part about “EXCITED!” was really funny. If I had been another shopper, I would have been snorting.
It sucks that they would (1) rebuke you for losing “only” half a pound (yay, half a pound! half a pound rocks!), AND (2) “congratulate” you by moving you into the next level down. I like WW for many reasons (exercise = more food = genius), but the “The more you lose, the less you get to eat!” idea is a poor one.
8. Claire | April 18th, 2007 at 5:16 am
I probably would have abandoned my cart in the middle of the parking lot, too. I’m scattered like that, because obviously it would be stranger for me to turn my cart around and push it back IN to the store, right? Yep.
And GAH, Walmart is TOTALLY trashier than Target! No contest! Boxed wine (but not up here)! Look at all the curtains! CLASSY!
I really thought you meant blow jobs the first time you said Hummer. i ‘m glad you cleared that up. Way more appropriate for a graduation present.
9. Claire | April 18th, 2007 at 5:16 am
A blow job, i mean.
10. Sadie | April 18th, 2007 at 6:16 am
Hummers are so incredibly gauche. I have decided, and I tell everyone within earshot whenever I see a Hummer, that all Hummer purchases should come with an automatic draft to Iraq. I mean, you bought a rugged para-military humvee, didn’t you?! How awesome would that be, seriously?
“And here are the keys to your new red H2, Brittany! You can just put that Starbucks mochaccino in the super-sized ergonomic leather-wrapped cupholder, and your Gucci sunglasses will fit perfectly in the hidden compartment above the drop-down DVD console. Oh, and your deployment to Fallujah starts tomorrow. Maybe you shouldn’t have picked red, on second thought.”
11. Lawyerish | April 18th, 2007 at 6:31 am
CHAPPY.
That is all.
12. Jamie | April 18th, 2007 at 6:47 am
I think affluent parents have some sort of ongoing dialogue about Hummers as graduation gifts (or in the town I grew up in, sadly, 16th birthday gifts). On a practical level, it’s the safest automobile you could possibly buy for your child – it’s basically a flashy tank. On the other hand, there is no practical level – BECAUSE THEY COST 50,000 DOLLARS.
In retrospect, I think I was lucky to get a car at all – and my sister and I had to share what quickly became a lovable rustbucket. When I moved away to college, I was the only one of my friends that knew how to change a tire, unfreeze door locks, and check the oil. No kid with a H2 truck will ever learn that on their own.
13. jonniker | April 18th, 2007 at 6:51 am
Ish: Oh yes. What a shame his trip to Bermuda was canceled.
14. Andrea | April 18th, 2007 at 9:38 am
Yay for the 1/2 pound lighter! Go you! I know why you were excited. Because your cart wasn’t loaded with pizzas and potato skins and bacon anymore! And the sob story from WW is really cruel. You still made progress! Who are they to judge how much/little you should be making/eating? That’s why I could never go in on those accountability weight loss programs. Not that I don’t appreciate the support they offer and having someone to answer to of course is helpful, but the lack of encouragement for small improvements bothers me. They should encourage any improvement, especially for how much most of them cost.
Hummers just suck. I saw one awhile back with a bumper sticker that said, “How many miles per gallon is the war in Iraq going to cost?” Erm, excuse me? The three miles I followed behind them was about 15 lives per gallon. Perspective, people! H2s for the wealthy are just pavement princesses and a complete waste of money and resources.
15. Andrea | April 18th, 2007 at 9:40 am
I mean, “How many lives per gallon is this war in Iraq going to cost?” Sheesh. Talk about ruining the tragically hilarious aspect of that particular situation. Duh.
16. Allison | April 18th, 2007 at 10:12 am
Okay, when I read Andrea’s comment in regard to the 1/2 pound lighter, I was imagining a LARGE cigarette lighter, perhaps manufactured by Hummer. Then I wondered what I had missed in your post. Then I realized what she was talking about and I felt dumb.
17. rhea | April 18th, 2007 at 11:17 am
dummers are all around where i live too, and i see several a day in every colour possible, including pink… it just really sickening.
18. Alexa | April 18th, 2007 at 3:23 pm
Oh yes, the point-subtracting. I have my weigh-in tomorrow and I just KNOW they are going to take a precious, precious point from me. Like you, I think I should get a REWARD. Like, say, a piece of carrot cake with walnuts in it. Or maybe a bagel.
19. Melanie | April 18th, 2007 at 6:05 pm
That kind of thing makes me sick. I always tell myself that if I ever get rich (WHEN, when I get rich, must think positively), I won’t change my lifestyle too much. Because, really, besides being able to afford a cute lake house and having nicer shoes and not having to work, what do I need to change? I certainly don’t need a Hummer. NOBODY needs a Hummer. Those are the kind of kids who grow up to be Paris Hilton and they’re just sad and aimless and spoiled.
20. Jonniker. » Egg Rai&hellip | April 18th, 2007 at 6:17 pm
[...] – As soon as I got to work, I discovered a music fairy (okay, a masculine music fairy) had left the song I was complaining I couldn’t find yesterday right in my inbox. And it was such an easy little thing, but honestly, it made my morning. [...]
21. Mauigirl52 | April 19th, 2007 at 2:28 pm
First of all, Target is the store I WILL go to; it’s Wal*Mart I think is beneath me. However, it was not so far beneath me that I didn’t give in and order bamboo shades from them over the phone when I couldn’t get what I wanted in Home Depot. And they were quite nice, very efficient, and the shades arrived in record time. Hmmm…
As for the Hummers, that is just amazing. The only ones I’ve seen around here in NJ are driven by totally spoiled rich people (adults) who clearly think they are Better Than You. They don’t pay attention if your car is there and will run you down in the road. I hope the kids who are now going to be driving them don’t also have that attitude coupled with their driving inexperience. I’d keep a safe distance…
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