Never in Years
April 25th, 2007
Closing your eyes on the treadmill is never a good idea. I don’t know why I did it – I was really into the song I was listening to (Peter Gabriel’s “Here Comes the Flood” if you care.), and I just closed my eyes like I was in some kind of trance. God. This also meant that I almost fell asleep, considering that it was 6 a.m. on a Tuesday morning, and I was running on the treadmill like some kind of fool, given that I was barely awake and also listening to hypnotizing music. Moments later, I was falling off the treadmill and trying to regain some kind of balance and pride. I failed with a resounding “thud,” along with some earbud tangling, sputtering and blushing. I do this a lot.
The day was basically doomed from there. On my way home, the pharmacist tried to ask me out at the grocery store, and I did the unthinkable: I laughed at him. God, it was horrible. I mean, it’s my fault! My fault! He was in front of me in line, wearing his requisite button down and trademark pocket protector (look, I never said he was hot, and also, I am not making that part up. A POCKET PROTECTOR) buying an impressive array of organic items, and I recognized him from my all-too-frequent pharmacy visits and announced: “You’re Johnny Pesky***, the pharmacist! Hi!”
It goes without saying that I only remembered his name because it is the same as a famous Red Sox figure, but seeing as he is not from Boston, how would he know that? I remembered his name, and I think I touched his arm in a friendly gesture and said I really missed seeing him at the store. I might as well have taken my pants off and handed him my underpants.
(I really did miss him, by the way. The new pharmacist is very surly and hateful, and also has a wart on the end of her nose that I can’t stop staring at, but it’s PURPLE, and I can’t help but wonder if she should have it looked at, because seriously? It’s purple, pointy and very angry-looking.)
And then there was talk of how he’s been transferred to another store, blah blah, but he totally remembered me too, and would it be okay if he called me sometime?
And then I just stared at him for a moment, clutching my lone purchase: a Lean Cuisine frozen pizza, which may as well scream “single, dieting and desperate.” And then I panicked, got a burst of nervous energy…and I just laughed at the poor guy. Could I be a bigger jerk? Seriously? But I wasn’t laughing at him, not at ALL, it’s that the whole thing was so…ridiculous, and my fault and also surprising, because again, no one asks me out ever, and why should they, given that I am married and not prone to that sort of thing.
Ugh. And then I panicked again, and desperately tried to explain why I was laughing, which was due to nervous, self-deprecating reasons, nothing to do with him, it’s just that I’m socially inept and also married, and God, the last time someone propositioned me in any way, they were sipping moonshine from a plastic flask and wearing head to toe camouflage while riding the back of a citrus truck, yelling “Hey baby, wanna give me head?” shortly followed by “BITCH!” when I refused to glance in his direction.
It was too late. He was already running out of the store to his Audi A4 (Why am I not a pharmacist?), and I just feel so bad. Also, the pre-pubescent clerk was not helpful, as he gaped at me and said “Wow. Um, that was awkward.” And oh, it was.
Finally, on a far less embarrassing note, I realize that there are only four of us over the age of 21 watching this season’s Real World: Denver, but if you’re not? You’re missing out in a major way, because Brooke is one of the greatest characters in the history of the series. The girl is deliciously insane, and watching her stumble is one of the cruelest, most amusing vicarious experiences I’ve ever had. It’s like she came out of central casting after someone demanded, “Give me crazy! Give me sheltered! Give me irrationally spoiled and weepy!” And I mean that she is so far beyond expectations in these categories even when compared with every other disturbed Real World contestant. She’s wickedly, horribly nuts. It’s fantastic. I’m just saying. Catch the next marathon. You won’t be sorry.
*The Brother Kite, which I can’t stop listening to, thanks to the usual suspect’s suggestion. And now I shall pay it forward.
**edited to say thanks for your comments on the last post. I was a little scared to write that one, because of all the things I outlined. Thus far, I remain flame-free, and instead, feeling a little less irritated by the whole thing, because we’re not alone. Thank you again for being so nice.
***Also not his his actual name. But it was that of a well-known Boston sports figure.
Entry Filed under: Nuttin'
20 Comments Add your own
1. chirky | April 25th, 2007 at 8:47 pm
OMG – Brooke. Watching TRW is one of my guilty pleasures. You’re right – Brooke is DELICIOUSLY insane. Did you see the most recent episode where she FLIPPED out with the screaming and the tearing apart of Davis’ bedsheets and, did I mention the screaming? And then the tears. The WAILING. Because Davis said something ridiculous like – what was it?
Oh! He said she had a double chin. AND SHE WENT NUTS-O.
It’s still difficult for me to believe she was raised by two psychologists. I mean, shouldn’t she be a bit more BALANCED? Or something?
2. Jamie | April 25th, 2007 at 8:47 pm
oh my God! I just fell off the treadmill last week as a result of closing my eyes! but i was listening to “mindfields” by Prodigy, so I’m afraid I have no good reason. Hmm.
why did I think I would stay at the same pace and run in the same direction? (slaps forehead) thank God no one else was in the area at the time.
3. Suebob | April 25th, 2007 at 9:11 pm
The only thing I miss about TV is the Real World and Top Chef, which just shows you how totally headfucked I am. I mean, I claim to be intelligent but I suppose I am not.
4. Leah | April 25th, 2007 at 10:46 pm
As I toted around my Target basket holding one (1) Lean Cuisine pizza today, I made sure to avoid all eye-contact with the male species because nothing says “single and desperate” like one (1) Lean Cuisine pizza. (I like pepperoni best.)
5. Claire | April 26th, 2007 at 5:33 am
They’re still doing the Real World? Huh, i had no idea. It seems like it would be too simple to still be on TV what with all the other reality out there. I miss the old Real Worlds… NY and SF…
I can’t believe the pharmacist tried to pick you up. That is totally hysterical and humiliating. How horrific the nervous laughter can be. It’s a curse, i think.
Did he like, drop his groceries and run out or did he pay for them first? Poor guy.
6. Christine | April 26th, 2007 at 6:06 am
Man, we should both have become pharmacists. When my best friend graduated she started at 95K to count pills for a CVS. I kick myself in the ass for laughing at her when she announced she was going the pharmacy route in high school. I am an asshole.
7. TwoBusy | April 26th, 2007 at 7:41 am
Carl Yastrzemski?
8. liz | April 26th, 2007 at 10:32 am
holy moly you crack me up…just found your site by way of emily’s. anyhow, i am also well above 21 and watching the real world. i tell myself that i am watching it because i live in the denver/boulder area and it is fun to see how my hometown is portrayed on trash tv, but really it’s because i am a reality tv junkie and can’t get enough of this garbage. i do have to hide my eyes whenever brooke is on though…she is simply tragic.
9. Beth | April 26th, 2007 at 10:33 am
On laughing at the pharmacist — When I worked in aerospace, a very nice-but-a-tad-geeky engineer called me to ask me out, and when I heard he was on his way to my desk…I ducked down so he couldn’t see me. Of course, I was about 20 years old, but still. ;^) Now, 20 years later, I realize I should’ve gone out with him. He was totally sane, interested in a lot of great stuff, very polite, and making great money. I’m an ass with 20/20 hindsight. ;^)
10. Mary | April 26th, 2007 at 12:53 pm
I drifted over here from Emily’s blog…
I absolutely watch RW: Denver, along with RR: Viewers’ Revenge and RW/RR Challenge: Inferno III. DVR all of them and watch them at my leisure. I love to hate Brooke, and then she does something like rappel down that mountain and I almost feel a little warm and fuzzy toward her. It’s a dilemma!
11. April | April 26th, 2007 at 1:22 pm
yeah, Brooke is a special kind of nutbars…. certifiable. I especially like seeing the intros and whatnot that they play after the show starts and before to promote other stuff like the Road Rules/Real World challenge and Brooke looks JUST as insane as she is in the actual Real World except with ginormous breast implants. Awesome.
12. elise | April 26th, 2007 at 2:14 pm
Well, I just discovered your site (through Emily), and man, do I like it. I don’t know where I’ve been, but yay! Yay for Real World, Denver, and yay for awkward married encounters.
I look forward to a long and happy blog relationship
13. Jennifer | April 26th, 2007 at 2:30 pm
Ohhh I feel so bad for the pharmacist (and I know you do too). I remember an occasion when I was single, and a guy from my softball team called; I figured it was just a call about the next game or something. He said, did I want to go to a Donovan concert (OK I know that Donovan is older than dirt, but this was in the 80′s when he was doing some sort of comeback concert series). Anyway, not even realizing the guy was asking me out, I said “are you kidding?! I’d never go to a Donovan concert. He wrote that ridiculous song ‘Jennifer Juniper’ that people have been tormenting me with my whole life.” So he said, uh OK bye” and only after he hung up did I realize what a jerk I had been.
So I know how you feel. That convo was 20 years ago and I’m still embarrassed about it.
14. Lawyerish | April 26th, 2007 at 3:20 pm
I am mildly ashamed to say that I watched some of the latest RW/RR Challenge on my flight back from LA, and wow. That is some horrible television. I find it extremely depressing that people like Timmy, who was on Road Rules at least TWELVE years ago, are still trying to wrestle some kind of “career” out of doing these moronic challenges.
I saw the first couple of episodes of RW: Denver, and I just couldn’t do it. I couldn’t make it any further. Am officially old and crotchety.
15. aly | April 26th, 2007 at 3:34 pm
i have fallen off the treadmill more than once and it happens despite my eyes being open. usually it’s b/c i’m rocking out (and yes, apparently i CAN do that on a treadmill) to music as well.
my ass always bruises. my ego takes longer to heal. ha.
also? i haven’t watched real world since season 3, and if i get sucked in again, i’m totally blaming you….
16. metalia | April 26th, 2007 at 4:17 pm
I closed my eyes on a treadmill once years ago. I still have a big ass scar on my knee, and I’ve not exercised since. I’d like to say that my failure to exercise is a direct consequence of the fall, but I’d be lying to myself (and you) if I said that. (Yay, healthy livin’!)
17. thethinker | April 26th, 2007 at 4:21 pm
Treadmills are so dangerous. I can hurt myself on one of those without even clothing my eyes (which is kind of pathetic on my part).
18. Melanie | April 26th, 2007 at 6:23 pm
Dammit, I so need cable.
Why doesn’t my pharmacist ever hit on me? I’m jealous.
19. Melanie | April 26th, 2007 at 6:24 pm
Oh, and I’ve fallen on the treadmill before! In the store, actually. Sears. We were trying them out, and my dear brother turned the treadmill up and down I went. It was very funny, in a humiliating sort of way.
20. Nik | April 29th, 2007 at 9:39 am
I also fell off a treadmill in a department store, when I was nine. It’s one of the few great memories I have of my dad. I was crying over my skinned knee and he whisked me off to the first aid aisle and doctored me up. I remember being scandalized that he was breaking open all that new stuff and being really grateful that he was taking care of me and not yelling.
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