Sink or Swim
May 13th, 2007
Lesley Stahl honestly needs to stop with the lipstick. Is she covering over some sort of miserable flaw? Practicing for clown school? Does she not have make up artists to help her figure out that no, painting over that divot in her lip isn’t plumping her lips, it’s making them misshapen?
I’ve been rather disgusted with pop culture lately, what with The Sopranos sucking wind – which reminds me, is it me, or does no one else care anymore? Shoot Tony! Don’t shoot Tony! Give Carmela The Herp! I don’t care. It’s just that I’ve invested all this time – time that I’m not willing to give up without a conclusion, and although tonight’s episode sure packed a punch, I’ve got to admit that the silent, creeping misery has insulated me against just about anything, because I don’t care. Mostly, I just walk away disgusted with many realizations, but mostly with the fact that Tony Soprano is really, really bad in bed, and while I realize that’s the point (misogynistic, waiting to be serviced, ergo, he just lays there), come on. He wears socks.
And Entourage! Don’t get me started on Entourage. I don’t like Vince. I don’t care if Vince ever gets another job in Hollywood, or ends up doing Aquaman VII: The Series and has sex with Mandy Moore on the streets of Calabasas. I don’t care about Medellin. I also really, really dislike Kevin Connolly.
And you! Grey’s Anatomy! I know I said I was done and all, but again, there’s that investment thing. An investment I’m not willing to walk away from without some sort of resolution – resolution that will never, ever come, because the world seems to revolve around forbidden love, which has kept television going for decades, oh Jesus Christ. It’s like those years in college I spent so wrapped up in Days of Our Lives waiting, just WAITING for that day that Marlena and John would finally be together, blind to the realization that Stefano had kept them apart for decades, with cages and possessions and hypnotism or whatever, and that it was just never going to happen, or at least not while I was matriculated at Syracuse University.
(Um, seriously, does anyone remember when she was possessed by the devil and then stuck in a cage? Or something?)
(Also, I see that John is now in a COMA, while Marlena waits by his side to wake up. JESUS.)
Jim and Pam are on the same path, by the way, and yet I can’t help myself; I’m sucked in and bitter about it. Oh Pam.
The bitter pill is making its appearance because I spent the better part of this weekend watching a glut of TiVo’d television after last week’s ParentFest. A fest that included, by the way, dinner with my in-laws, the details of which came to me in bits and pieces over the course of several days, thanks to searing panic and a few gin and tonics. God. I must have blocked it out.
However, a few snippets have me cringing on a daily basis, including that horrible moment where my stepmother – who’d had one too many glasses of wine – screamed over the table in a half-amused, half-terrified voice that surely my (kind of scary and slightly mafioso-seeming) Russian father-in-law must have connections with the Russian mafia, which prompted him to retort that while he’s not in the mob, he does always carry a gun and then I believe (oh dear God) he half-jokingly threw out a few people he’d like to knock off and it was horrible, just HORRIBLE, especially given that my parents are staunchly anti-gun and um, anti-murder. Or whatever. And not that he’s the murdering type, or so we at least hope, Jesus, it’s just that it was all SO AWKWARD.
God, I’m so much more accustomed to causing awkward moments that I never realized how miserable it is to be an innocent witness.
And while I’ve deluded myself into thinking it turned out somewhat okay, it’s a good thing they live in different states.
Not to bring it back to further television embitterment, but I’m also personally angry with Brooke Burke, who promised me another summer of Rockstar and yet, I see nothing of the sort. No Rockstar. No Ryan Star replacement. No Dave Navarro as lurking Svengali. And while Blythe and I may be the only two people who care, disappointment looms large. But not Storm Large.
However, because I’m twelve, I have to say, this (NSFW) page… with the nudists playing volley ball? Has had me snickering for hours! Nudists! Playing volleyball! And canoeing! The ass crack and the life vest!
*Ryan Star. Because it’s never going to happen again.
Entry Filed under: Nuttin'
22 Comments Add your own
1. Sueb0b | May 13th, 2007 at 8:53 pm
“And God, I’m so much more accustomed to causing awkward moments that I never realized how miserable it is to be an innocent witness.”
It is lines like this that keep me coming back for more of your genius.
I haven’t seen Entourage. Do they talk about Calabasas, or do you know about it independently? Because, wow, the town is like a few clusters of apartments, some office buildings, a pet cemetery and a slightly upscale strip mall with faux-classic architecture. I would kind of hate for it to be famous.
2. elise | May 13th, 2007 at 9:40 pm
Number one: I do remember when Stefano had Marlena in a cage and I ALSO remember when Marlena was demon possessed even though those were two separate times. I think.
Number two: I gave up on Grey’s. It was liberating. Besides, Meredith was way too whiny. In fact, I think if you looked up “whiny bitch” in the dictionary, you would see a picture of Meredith, in her scrubs, with her thin-lipped frown.
3. Orange Peacock | May 13th, 2007 at 9:52 pm
It’s entries like this that make me reeeeeeeeally wish I had a TV, because I have no idea whatsoever about any of the things you mentioned. I mean, I know that “The Sopranos” and “Grey’s Anatomy” are popular TV shows but that is absolutely it.
Oh, and I spent winter break at my SO’s family’s house, and his mother, who is a bit of a lightweight and ordinarily a very conservative religious woman whom I always feel I offend, decided after a couple of glasses of wine -WINE for pity’s sake – that she needed to share with me that she was getting her husband to get a colonoscopy by withholding sex until he goes and then giving him a week of blowjobs. She told me this OVER FANCY DINNER. And then she nudged me and winked me and said “We know how to get our way, don’t we?” AND I MELTED INTO THE FLOOR AND DIED.
4. Jhianna | May 13th, 2007 at 10:15 pm
Add me to the list of disappointed bloggers because Rockstar is MIA. What am I going to do without my weekly fix of PPoD and decent live performances?
5. Tessie | May 14th, 2007 at 6:21 am
OK, delurking because I TOTALLY remember when Marlena was demon posessed! That’s when Days finally jumped the shark for me, AND I’VE NEVER LOOKED BACK.
If Jim and Pam follow the same path, I will totally kill myself. NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! Think outside the box, JAM!!!
6. Claire | May 14th, 2007 at 6:54 am
there is so much to comment on in here, i don’t know where to start.
first of all – holy crappers, Pam!! don’t lose your love for The Office, J. You just can’t. Because, it’s Jim and Pam. Nuff said.
I totally remember the Marlena in the cage thing, and i never even watched the show. that was big news at the time. Silly soaps.
And Rockstar… I think we can just say that Brook Burke is a liar. Plain and simple.
I was thinking about Rockstar recently, too, and am sad that we are still Rockstar-free here. Sad.
7. Teej | May 14th, 2007 at 7:01 am
I’m also bitter because I just watched a week of TiVoed shows after a week with the ‘rents, and I have to say AMEN to your thoughts on The Sopranos and Entourage. Tony is a complete jackass and everybody on that show leads miserable lives, and why is that entertaining? And I couldn’t care less about Vince’s problems, none of which I can relate to, or what cliched, dopey things Turtle and Drama are going to do this week.
But I keep watching, when there are so many better things I could be doing.
8. Christine | May 14th, 2007 at 7:36 am
Ahh, don’t lose faith in The Office. For I love it. Mostly because oh Jim, how I love thee. And also because Michael throws out lines like, “Dwight, you ignorant slut!” and that will be my line for now til the end of time.
But, blech to the Sopranos. I jumped that wagon a long time ago, and now it is just background noise. I do keep hope alive for Entourage though, because I happen to love Ari.
9. -R- | May 14th, 2007 at 7:39 am
Do not lump Jim and Pam in with the rest of those folks!!! I love Jim and Pam!
I am not sure whether witnessing the horrible awkwardness is worse than causing it. When I am the cause of the awkwardness, I tend to relive the moment over and over when trying to fall asleep. Urg.
10. jonniker | May 14th, 2007 at 7:46 am
Christine: I love the Office too. I really do. And Jim yes, Jim is hot, and FINE, I want to punch out Karen, because JIM BELONGS TO PAM. Whatever. But see? FORBIDDEN LOVE. It’s like Tony and Angela on Who’s The Boss? It never ends! Although, as Lawyerish and I have discussed many times, did anyone ever actually believe that Tony would be interested in Angela and vice-versa? NO. NO WE DID NOT.
I missed the ignorant slut line. Oh Michael. And now it’s making me want to rent old SNL DVDs with Dan Aykroyd and Jane Curtin.
11. whoorl | May 14th, 2007 at 7:56 am
Maybe we should start a Rockstar petition.
12. TwoBusy | May 14th, 2007 at 9:11 am
Keep in mind that while you’re onilne looking at the nudists… they’re online looking at you.
13. winterwheat | May 14th, 2007 at 10:10 am
ROFL!! Fifty percent discounts for those under 40!
Cripes, I’m going to be 40 in 2 years.
14. H | May 14th, 2007 at 10:17 am
Leslie Stahl and her lips!! I worked with a 60-something woman (at least she looked that old) in the late 90′s who wore a bleached blonde beehive hairdo and hot pink lipstick which she purposely applied well outside her lip line. God. It was all I could do to not stare at her mouth when she spoke to me. Also, I heard her husband wore a black cape — for real. I guess it just proves there’s someone out there for everyone!
15. Lawyerish | May 14th, 2007 at 10:59 am
How is it that we watch none of the same shows?? It’s a shame, because I would love to talk Bachelor with you.
I have to agree with -R- that the mental reliving of awkward moments caused by oneself is worse than being a mere witness. On the other hand, I suffer from severe secondary embarrassment, so it’s not an easy call.
16. Melanie | May 14th, 2007 at 3:34 pm
Why, oh why is that man wearing bright white socks and shoes to play nude volleyball? I mean, if you’re nude, that’s it. No shoes. No socks. Just nude. Life vests, I guess I can get behind, but not SOCKS.
17. Corinne | May 14th, 2007 at 3:57 pm
SO over the Sopranos. What a piddling way for it to go out, too – I’d rather there were some nuclear explosion that wiped everyone out in one fell swoop.
Now THAT would be a Days storyline…so much better than possessed Marlena or fake Hope who was really Billie and oh my GOD I can’t believe I watched it for as many years as I did.
Now I’m going to go watch the nudists.
18. metalia | May 14th, 2007 at 5:24 pm
I am DYING at the fact that you analyzed Tony Soprano’s skills in the sack. Dying, I say.
19. Sueb0b | May 14th, 2007 at 8:14 pm
Marlena was demon-possessed? Dang, it has been over 20 years since I watched Days and I am so sorry I missed THAT.
20. Jen W. | May 15th, 2007 at 10:34 am
I know I haven’t commented in like, a year, but I also remember the storyline of Stefano, who kidnapped Marlena and kept her in a giant birdcage suspended in the air in some cave. It was a total Phantom of the Opera-wannabe storyline. Secondly, Marlena being possessed by the devil is just about the best piece of television art ever made. It was supremely awesome.
Check out her list of “Medical crises” according to Wiki.
* (1980) Raped/Beaten
* (1982) Assaulted by Petrov/had black eye
* (1985) Car crash
* (1986) Fell off hospital roof/was in coma
* (1987) Shot by a tranqulizer/3 explosions
* (1992) Fell down the pit Stella had/bitten by snake
* (1993) Mugged while pregnant
* (1995) Possessed; had heart attack/car crash/head injury
* (1997) Fell down in the tunnel/was injured
* (2000) Shot by Gina
* (2003) Poisoned herself/to throw herself off as Salem Stalker due to Tony Dimera’s plan.
* (2004) Shot by snipers/presumed dead
* (2005) Fell down the stairs/had miscarriage
* (2006) Injured by Lois/hit by a pipe
* (2006) Injured in an explosion
* (2006) Broke ankle (saved by Smoky Robinson)
GOD, I love DOOL.
21. Blythe | May 24th, 2007 at 5:51 am
I go on vacation and what happens? You bring Rockstar back to the internet. Just yesterday I was mooning about on Storm’s site, considering buying a Storm & the Balls t-shirt. Brooke & Dave are apparently too busy in their Baywatch vortex (David Charvet? Carmen Electra? etc) to dredge up another non-band to complete.
And yes, I totally remember when Marlena had red eyes and spoke in the devil voice. MRRRLLLEEEENNNA.
22. Hallie | August 25th, 2011 at 11:50 am
Oh my gosh – I completely forgot about Days. Haven’t watched in decades and yes, Marlena was possessed.
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