New Slang
May 14th, 2007
I’m sorry, look, I know it makes me immature, but I can’t get over the nudist resort, I simply CANNOT. I can’t believe that such a place exists where this photo is supposed to entice me to do something. It’s just…well, it’s just too much, and while this is likely too much information, I’ve never been one for lounging about in the nude. I don’t even like to sleep naked, because the pragmatist in me can’t get over the idea that there could be a fire, or a dog pooping emergency or something. I just don’t want to be standing outside naked, explaining to my neighbors that yes, I might have left the oven on, and it might all be my fault, but first, do you have a sweatshirt I could borrow?
For starters, I often get cold, and secondly, I just don’t like my precious girly bits out there exposed to the elements, because don’t they seem delicate to you? Doesn’t it seem…wrong, somehow that one’s petite little flower should be hanging out there, where it could be cut or snagged or something? Not that a fishing hook finds its way between my legs that often in my daily life, but it could totally happen. And while it’s not like clothes protect your bits and pieces that much, I don’t like the idea of them bouncing around unfettered on the back of a horse, and I really don’t like the idea of getting into a canoe where there could be spiders, and imagine the urban legends that could come from that, I dare you. GO AHEAD.
Also, um, this photo might be the most unappealing thing I’ve ever seen. Again, I know that a bathing suit prevents nothing from…leaking out, but it seems that the no-swimsuit thing is horribly unhygienic. And also, there is HAIR. Lots more hair exposed than should be, and I really dislike hair, especially that kind of hair.
No. No, I am not a nudist at heart, clearly.
Moving on. I’ve got to come clean about something, and this is going to sound harsh. I don’t like Twitter, and nope, I’m never going to Twitter. Or Tweet. Or Twat, which doesn’t sound good, and that’s not what I meant (but rest assured, we can now rule out fishing while twatting). I don’t care what you’re doing right now, frankly, though I still like you, I promise. Do you care that I just farted and considered briefly blaming it on the dog? And that right now, I’m thinking, gee, a glass of fresh-brewed iced tea would be good, what a shame I don’t have any? No, of course you don’t. How fascinated with ourselves can we be, that we actually think that twittering our random, completely inane thoughts of the day to each other is something that’s worth broadcasting to the world? (Shut up. I know what they say about blogging, and they’re right, they’re totally right, but this is a whole other level, dear God, is it not?)
(Also, I just got a cup of tea.)
(I moved my foot. It itches!)
(Sniffled! I sniffled! Allergies?)
Riveting, isn’t it? And it feels, sometimes, in this insular freakish little world, like we’re supposed to kowtow to all things Twitter, because of who’s Twittering, and who founded Twitter, and who’s friends with the founders of Twitter, when really, who cares? Just because something is labeled Web 2.0, and fits into this whole fascinating social interaction phenomenon that’s boring the pants off of Web conference attendees throughout America, I will resist. I WILL NOT TWITTER.
(Worth noting that I don’t know anyone personally who Twitters, so it’s not likely that this was directed at you, if you love to Twitter.)
(Totally just scratched the dog’s head. Mmmm….cute pug.)
(Also may have eyelash in eye.)
(Am considering clipping toenails later.)
(It’s also possible that I made my point.)
(Down with Twitter.)
*The Shins
Entry Filed under: Nuttin'
36 Comments Add your own
1. Sueb0b | May 14th, 2007 at 5:00 pm
I keep reading about how some of my favorite bloggers have become Twitites (Twits? Twitties?) and I can scarcely believe it.
Someone on the radio said “I can’t believe we will ever need that level of granularity.” Agreed.
2. Jessica | May 14th, 2007 at 5:17 pm
I LOVE being naked. I sleep naked, I skinny-dip whenever I get the chance – and I have to agree with you – that nudist site is enough to put clothes on me. And, I have found that to be the case with every nudist site I have ever seen. Because, let’s face it – unless you have a kickin’ body, no one wants to see it naked while you spike a volleyball. No one.
3. Swistle | May 14th, 2007 at 5:35 pm
Twitter is so, so, so, so, so boring. I don’t even care what I’M doing right now.
That fishing photo is…wrong. I think it’s the sandals and the hat and dear god is that a gold necklace?
The hot tub photo makes me understand once and for all that nudists really mean it when they say it’s not about sexiness. That photo makes me wonder why ANY of us consider ANY nakedness sexy.
4. mere | May 14th, 2007 at 5:42 pm
I went to a nude beach one time. I was in jeans. It was November. But the place was gorgeous and it had all these coves that you could claim as your own. So I read a book in jeans (rolled up, of course) and a friend boogie boarded in a wetsuit (duh! CA water is cold!). And it was all well and good, til a naked man walked by looking EXACTLY like Santa and officially ruined Christmas for me forever.
5. jonniker | May 14th, 2007 at 5:47 pm
Swistle, I agree with you. And here’s the thing: I don’t know that I want to live in a world where being naked isn’t sexy. I mean, there’s something inherently sexy about the fact that nudity is *reserved* for those special sexy occasions (and the occasional hygienic event). GAWD.
6. Jen | May 14th, 2007 at 5:51 pm
I JUST wrote about the exact same thing, except I caved and opened an account. Gah, Twitter is like th new MySpace, or something.
7. whoorl | May 14th, 2007 at 6:28 pm
I thought the exact same thing about Twitter. I couldn’t FATHOM that it won best website at SXSW. And then it sucked me in. Goddamn, I love Twitter! I LOVE TWITTER AND I’M NOT ASHAMED!
Here’s my theory – the people who seem to love it the most are mothers. Unfortunately, we can’t do anything during the day that involves an attention span longer than 2 minutes. Twitter foots the bill perfectly. Or is it just me?
Just me? Okie dokie then.
8. whoorl | May 14th, 2007 at 6:30 pm
foots the bill? fits the bill? whatever.
9. Amy K | May 14th, 2007 at 6:54 pm
I’m still trying to wrap my mind around the idea of nude ping pong. Talk about the stuff of urban legends.
10. TwoBusy | May 14th, 2007 at 6:58 pm
Admit it. The Shins are growing on you.
11. Jurgen Nation | May 14th, 2007 at 7:56 pm
I know not what this Twitter is, but I do know that I don’t care. I know the basic premise and really, AM I NOT ON THE INTERNETS ENOUGH? I don’t need another thing to chain me to the ‘puter. No thanks. Cripes.
12. Sundry | May 14th, 2007 at 8:10 pm
I hate Twitter. Really and truly. It’s like everything that is stupid about blogging, without anything that is good about blogging. THERE I SAID IT.
13. Sueb0b | May 14th, 2007 at 8:11 pm
I only hated Twitter in theory before. But I just went and checked out a real Twitter account and I hate it even more. Boring ass shit, man. More boring ass than a bad TV sitcom you have seen several times before and hated every single time. Seriously, people, who the fuck do you think CARES this much???
14. Angella | May 14th, 2007 at 8:23 pm
I’m with Whoorl. I have three kids and the attention span of…a toddler. Twitter works for me
15. Meepers | May 14th, 2007 at 8:30 pm
Well, with apologies to Whoorl and SueBob…I think the name TWITter says it all. Way to many things to do.
16. Meepers | May 14th, 2007 at 8:37 pm
Wait! the Naked part! While I cop to sleeping starkers about, oh 70% of the time, (for strategic purposes) and I’d probably lay out topless…no one needs to lie about with…THAT sticking out. No one. Honestly…naked men, to me? Are laughable at *Best*. No one needs to do any activity that involves..moving about on land in public…naked. A swim now and than wouldn’t bother me, I’ve done it myself, but….not for an entire WEEKEND.
PS…What does one pack to a nudist resort? What if you need to carry things with you? Do you take a backpack? A (gasp) fanny pack? Where do you PUT stuff? I have questions. Also….why is everyone in that picture so frickin’ hairy?
17. Andrea K | May 14th, 2007 at 8:43 pm
I experienced the most exhilerating, freedom-ringing, hilarious day on a nude beach in St. Maarten two years. Being fairly modest, I only went topless, but the best EVER was this old man walking around wearing ONLY a strapped-on metal detector and a white beach hat. EVERYTHING was saggign on his old body yet here he was swinging that piece of machinery back and forth. I couldn’t help but watch in hopes that he wouldn’t actually find something and have to actually bend over to dig it up. Even the nude beaches have their metal-searching elders. Too dang funny.
18. Melanie | May 14th, 2007 at 9:04 pm
I don’t think nudist camp is for me, either. And I like being nude. I just don’t like being nude around other gross, hairy, jiggly folks; I like being nude in the comfort and privacy of my own home. And I would be scared as hell of hurting my girly bits while fishing or hiking or something. Plus I don’t even camp fully clothed, because camping is not my idea of fun. I like hotel rooms much better, and I’m even okay with being nude in them.
19. Schnozz | May 14th, 2007 at 9:36 pm
Twitter fills me with horror. Blogging and other good writing, for me, is not about communication. It’s about interpretation. Anyone can just bleat about what they’re doing all day. It’s putting it into context or deriving meaning from it that makes life interesting. So I guess I’m with Sundry: it’s blogging without the good parts.
That said, I spend my free time playing Wii tennis and watching Gilmore Girls, so I’m not exactly curing cancer over here. To each his own. I have no problem with Twitter’s general existence or people using it, because what does it matter to me? But I must meekly and humbly request that maybe people stop blogging about their Twitter accounts every five minutes. Yes, I know my opinion is worthless and that people can blog about what they want. But it’s admittedly a little redundant, right? Updating folks on your Twittering? Is it really necessary? And the really coy self-deprecation over their Twitter participation gets almost physically uncomfortable in some cases.
There should be rules. You perhaps get your obligatory “I joined Twitter” post, complete with backstory of how you hated Twitter and now love Twitter, but then it has to stop or … well, I don’t know. There will be, um, consequences.
I’m clearly crabby! Down with Twitter!
20. Kristi | May 14th, 2007 at 11:16 pm
I’m sorry if this offends anyone, but seriously? Twitter? Where in the hell do people find time for the inaneness?!?! It’s physically painful for me to visit Twitter. Like when-you-get-an-eyelash-under-the-middle-of-your-contact-and-can’t-even-OPEN-your-freakin’-eye-it-hurts-so-bad painful. PEOPLE! Has our attention span seriously degraded to TWITTER levels!? Let’s think of some alternatives that could enrich our lives more than Twitter: stare out the window, chew gum, bitch at your significant other, clean the dirt out from under your fingernails. etc. and the list can clearly go on an on (like me).
huh….I think I may have some anger surrounding this issue.
21. Boutros | May 15th, 2007 at 3:43 am
Nude air hockey? Seinfeld had an episode about “bad naked.” Nude air hockey just SCREAMS of bad naked.
22. Lawyerish | May 15th, 2007 at 6:37 am
I am staunchly anti-Twitter. (And I’m with Schnozz on the BLOGGING ABOUT TWITTER! Aaah!) I have friends with whom I email constantly during the day (hi Allison! hi Jonna! hi Mom!), and that’s as close as I’ll get to anything like Twittering (or even texting, which I don’t know how to do – eep!). The rest of the world doesn’t care about my minutiae.
I also think that, at some point, we have to stop living our lives for an audience — I mean, as bloggers we *write* for an audience, but there’s a fine like between writing for an audience and and living for one. If you’re living your life out as though it were on a stage, you’re not actually experiencing anything.
23. Jamie | May 15th, 2007 at 8:03 am
I saw a documentary once about a nudist colony, and the thing they repeated most often was “don’t forget your towel! We never forget our towels, wherever we go!” As if having a towel to sit on makes being naked 24-7 totally hygienic, or something. Aaack.
24. Aim | May 15th, 2007 at 8:08 am
WTF is Twitter or do I even want to know? No. I just decided. I do not. Whatever it is, I do not have room in my pathetically small brain for it.
I am steadfastly refusing to click on ANY of the links to nudist provided, because I don’t have room in my brain for that, either, or the extra money for the therapy I’d need after. That being said, I sleep nude and I love it. I actually get resentful when I have company or stay with other people and I have to wear clothes to bed. I just keep a nightgown or a robe draped across the foot of my bed in case I have to jump up and save someone’s life in the middle of the night. If you can’t be naked in your own bed, what’s the point?? I’d actually probably run around here nude a lot more if I weren’t so lazy about shutting the blinds. Naked is good. So far the girly bits have remained unharmed, although I did learn a hard lesson about wearing clothes and cooking a few years back…
I do firmly believe that naked belongs strictly in the privacy of one’s home, and one should never, NEVER foist one’s nudity onto others without their expressed desire for you to do so. I am very strict about this.
25. jonniker | May 15th, 2007 at 9:28 am
It’s worth noting that since I have been perusing Twitter, I have actually reached the point where it’s bordering on offensive, and navel-gazing. Sorry to be even more blunt, but Sundry and Lawyerish are right: not only is it the worst of blogging without any of the good parts, but it’s a bit…self-absorbed to think that others care about our little teeny inane details (“Went shopping! Bought Tide!” is an actual example of a Twitter I just stumbled upon.).
It seems so…ridiculous, and it does cross the line to living for an audience, as Lawyerish put it. Blogging is also self-absorbed, sure, but I see a great deal of value in it from a community building standpoint. Admittedly, it’s also hard to swallow when you see some of the more famous faces among our ranks Twittering only with each other, to the exclusion of everyone else in an almost deliberate fashion – that’s when it crosses the line from a mere annoyance to being offensive and…to be honest, it comes off as immature and cliquey, when we’re adults. This isn’t junior high. Sigh.
26. Schnozz | May 15th, 2007 at 10:42 am
Oh God, the popular blogger intertwittering, complete with screenshots provided on-blog for all of the masses to enjoy.
DO NOT GET ME STARTED.
27. Andrea | May 15th, 2007 at 10:44 am
And they say bloggers are navel gazers. Really, who cares? Some stream of consciousness is funny. Mostly, it takes a random couple thoughts to be funny. Who wants to weed through the thousands of thoughts to find the gems? Not me.
That’s what post it notes for future blog posts are for, if you ask me. Not that you did.
Also, I used to like to sleep naked. Then I got pregnant with my first. It became painfully obvious to me that such swelled parts often are more comfortable reigned in. Never again will I have such wild abandon. But it was freeing while it lasted.
28. chirky | May 15th, 2007 at 12:32 pm
Interestingly, at least to me, I was just thinking about Twitter about an hour ago. It went like this:
“What the hell is Twitter, anyway?”
“…”
“…”
“…”
And that’s about as far as I got.
29. Urban Chick | May 15th, 2007 at 12:50 pm
i said i’d never twitter (but i set up an account anyhoo)
but now i’m facebooking which has twitterish functions (that i don’t utilise)
i could *never* twatter though (maybe ‘twat’ don’t mean the same in american english as it does in english english?)
30. jonniker | May 15th, 2007 at 12:59 pm
UC: Oh it does. I realized as I was writing it that yeah, um, that’s not what I wanted to say. Heh.
31. Heather B. | May 15th, 2007 at 1:53 pm
Well then y’all can hate me, because I TWITTER.
(and there go about half of my internet friends. Jonna, you will be missed)
32. Suebob | May 15th, 2007 at 2:37 pm
No, not you, Heather!!
33. jonniker | May 15th, 2007 at 2:54 pm
NOOOOOOO! HEAAAATTTTHHHHEEEER.
(And Whoorl. And Angella. NOOOOOOOOOOOO.)
(But as I said, I totally still dig you all anyway. Very much. Hate the Twitter, not the Twitterers. Or something.)
34. Mauigirl52 | May 15th, 2007 at 7:10 pm
I agree about Twitter. I just became aware of it recently and don’t see the point . As Jurgen Nation said, I’m on the internet enough as it is; in fact, I barely have time to work anymore!
I’m also with you about the nude thing. I do sleep semi-nude but I must wear my undies!
35. kerrianne | May 28th, 2007 at 6:11 pm
I’m clearly late to the Twitter chirp-age, only having just heard of it TODAY (there are no words for how out of it I really can be sometimes), but I do have to say: I totally dig the musical reference to The Shins in your title.
36. Case Packers&hellip | October 30th, 2009 at 6:10 am
Case Packers…
MacDue lines include conveyors, palletisers and pallet wrappers, as well as our shrink wrappers and case packers…
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