On a Day Like Today
May 16th, 2007
First of all, American Idol is a mockery. For the record, I’ve been pro-Blake since day one, so don’t take this the wrong way, but Jordin Sparks is fake. She cries on cue, manipulates the audience and for crying out loud, she was busting her ass to get more camera time tonight, wheras Blake at least had the decency to step back and, I don’t know, LET MELINDA SING.
That being said, there will be a wide variety of dialing for dollars for Blake in the Jonniker household, and like Grey’s Anatomy, I think it might be time for me to cut the cord with American Idol next season, and if I so much as mention it, please drag my bare ass along a rusty pole on your way home from work.
Moving on! I’ve done a lot of navel-gazing about what I will and won’t do as a parent, and while the general consensus seems to be that you never really know until you’re faced with the situation, allow me to illustrate the one thing I can guarantee I will never, ever do.
I was chatting with one of my neighbors and his wife last night, along with their one-year old daughter – we’ll call her Teagan – and the subject of T’s sleep schedule came up, blah blah sleepycakes, that’s not the point. The point is that the conversation went something like this:
J: So, T’s sleeping through the night! That’s wonderful!
T’s dad, Dave: Oh yes, when we get ready for bed, she gets one round of booby na-nas, and then she passes out for the night!
J: …booby na-nas?
D: Oh yes, well, that’s what we call breastfeeding in our house. Booby na-nas! BOOBIES! She loves booby na-nas, don’t you T! Who’s ready for some booby na-nas! WHO IS READY FOR SOME BOOBY NA-NAS AND NIGH NIGHT?
J: …
So there you have it. While I’m sure that everyone has one, I can guarantee that I will never refer to my personal pet name for breastfeeding on the street, and I certainly won’t toss it out in casual conversation like it’s no big deal to a near stranger, because booby na-nas? Seriously? There’s no reason for that. And coming from a dude, it’s just creepy. And the sing-song voice just topped it off like some kind of pervy-sounding frosting.
Booby na-nas. Honestly. *shakes head*
Other than that, I had a mildly crappy day full of back-to-back meetings, office moves and phones that just wouldn’t work, and all told, I worked for 13 hours. During one of those hours, I discovered that my new office-mate is a loud eater, and with each bite of chicken nuggets, I died a little inside. The sound of creamy chicken salad being stirred (THANKS A LOT ANDREA) was rampant, and I may never eat at work again.
Fittingly, the day ended with me taking out an entire Mike’s Hard Cranberry Lemonade display at the supermarket, when all I wanted was my sad little Lean Cuisine pizza for a 10 p.m. dinner, continental microwave-style. Three cases of Mike’s unloaded all over me, and sticky and gross, but very, very fragrant. And sexy.
*Keane
Entry Filed under: Nuttin'
17 Comments Add your own
1. Jamie | May 16th, 2007 at 8:14 pm
I’m nauseous at the booby na-nas…just the IDEA of saying that with the kind of repetition that a toddler would. Blecch.
2. -R- | May 16th, 2007 at 9:00 pm
What? Doesn’t Mike’s come in glass bottles? How did it get all over you? Did the glass break all around you? Although I did manage to spill Cranapple all the heck over quite a large area at Super Target once, so I should not judge.
It is hard to bring myself to even type “booby na-nas.” WTF.
3. Melanie | May 16th, 2007 at 9:28 pm
I hope all that Mike’s at least got you a little bit drunk. Booby na-nas indeed! I breastfed and never had any weird names for it, and if I did I certainly wouldn’t shout them in public all weirdly like that. I think that’s one thing you can guarantee that you’ll never do as a parent. Pretty much everything else you say you won’t do, you will end up doing, but booby na-nas you can avoid. Ugh. That’s making me actually shudder a little bit, almost as much as the chicken salad noise.
4. jonniker | May 17th, 2007 at 4:10 am
-R-: Oh yes, glass bottles, OH YES. However, by some miracle, all the glass hit the floor, and I was only sprayed with the backsplash as the bottles broke and I got hit with about one case worth of liquid (THREE CASES HIT THE FLOOR). I did it when I was getting some Cool Whip Free out of the end freezer case, when the door bumped one case on the end, which was then finished off when I moved in surprise and took out the rest with my purse. I’m smart like that.
5. Carolyn | May 17th, 2007 at 6:09 am
Can’t. Stand. Jordin. And I’m so glad I’m not alone in this. Her personality drives me nuts, but I always feel mean saying (or thinking) it since “She’s ONLY 17″ as the show loves to keep reminding us. I am pulling for Blake all the way. If it had been Blake v. Melinda (as I had hoped) then I would have been happy with either one winning, as I love them both.
6. Jody | May 17th, 2007 at 8:32 am
This is my first American Idol free season and I’m loving it. Last night, I watch ‘American Dreamz’ and found it hilarious due to the American Idolesque of it all.
7. Swistle | May 17th, 2007 at 9:33 am
I knew a woman who referred to nursing as “milkies,” as in “Oh, do you want milkies?” That shouldn’t give me such a gross-out reaction (it’s no booby na-nas), but for some reason it does.
8. Suebob | May 17th, 2007 at 9:39 am
Booby na-nas creeps me out a little. Of course, this is coming from a woman whose animals all have had their own personalized theme songs.
9. Andrea | May 17th, 2007 at 9:41 am
I AM SO SORRY for making you think of chicken salad around loud eaters now! But I hope we both agree that it’s the loud eaters that ruin it, and not the chicken salad itself, right? I mean, you hated loud eaters before I ever said anything about stirring chicken salad. If there was a way to insert a feeding tube into a loud eater to spare the rest of us the carnage that is their full mouth, I would so find a way to do it.
As for your Mike’s mishap, I feel for you. I live in utter and abject fear that I will either knock over a display in such a manner or that my son will when I take him to the store with me. Not that he’s particularly handsy with merchandise or anything, but I am not the most graceful, and given that I’ll be sporting a toddler, a big belly (soon) and a purse, it’s likely that some end cap will be a victim some point in the near future. Though knowing that you have done what I fear doing myself and you have lived to tell the tale makes me feel better. Somehow.
Also, booby na-nas? Just no. I’m a parent and about the most nicknamy thing I’ve ever done was to call Gabe “Bubby” when he was a baby or “Gabey” now ~ which I feel the need to explain because the babysitter started calling him that and he ran with it, insisting he’s not Gabe but “Gabey”. I’ve complied only some of the time because it sounds dumb, but not as dumb as booby na-nas.
10. Lawyerish | May 17th, 2007 at 9:42 am
Booby na-nas? NO-NO.
11. jonniker | May 17th, 2007 at 9:43 am
To clarify: I have no issue with referring to nursing as booby na-nas in the comfort of one’s home. Seriously! No problem at all! But just say to me that yes, she nurses before going to sleep. Hooray! But honestly, did I have to hear the booby na-na song? Did he have to tell me about what they call it without clarification, leaving me to stand there thinking, um, booby na-nas? What?
(I just didn’t want anyone to think I was anti-breastfeeding or something. No no. I’m fine with breastfeeding, but I am not fine with public referrals to booby na-nas.)
12. Parks | May 17th, 2007 at 11:00 am
New here. Can’t stop laughing.
I’m not allowed near fresh fruit displays at the market. I like the apples on the bottom. This leads to apples on the floor. Everywhere. Lots and lots of apples.
13. Amy | May 17th, 2007 at 11:56 am
Remind me to tell you one of these days about how I single-handedly created a Red Sea of marinara sauce on the floor of a NYC Food Emporium store one day. Oceans of the stuff, in a thermonuclear chain of explosions that went on for approximately 87 minutes. It was really quite something.
14. winterwheat | May 17th, 2007 at 1:54 pm
Did you tell him that the proper term is “hitting the fleenies?”
15. clickmom | May 17th, 2007 at 6:45 pm
What a nursing parent should call it is something like “bubble gum” that way when their extremely vocal toddler screams “I want bubble gum and I want it now!” on a crowded NYC bus people won’t turn around to gawk ..uh… like they did when my 18 month old screamed he “wanted to nurse and he wanted it now!” on the seventh avenue express in Park Slope.
And the chewing issue, if anyone has any ideas on what to do when the guy you have been married to for 16 years suddenly starts chewing with his mouth open and all you want to do is poke your ear drums out with a knitting needle over it, then feel free to chime in. It’s getting desperate.
16. Nancy | May 19th, 2007 at 2:44 pm
The Mikes Hard Lemonade fiasco happened due to karma, it was punishment for reaching for Cool Whip Free. That stuff is crap! Pure hydrog and it will kill you! Do you not know about hydrog! I predict the next time you reach for that stuff something worse will happen! (said with pursed lips and a bug-eyed stare)
17. jonniker | May 19th, 2007 at 3:28 pm
Nancy: that’s um, lovely. Thanks for the sentiment. However, it will be the chemicals in Cool Whip Free that kill me first, not the hydrogenated oils, given that they are in trace amounts in the Free version.
[Edited, ages later, because I meant this to be funny, not mean-like. Poor Nancy. HYDROGS. HEH.]
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