Get On, Me
May 22nd, 2007
May 22, 2007: A day I think I’d rather pretend didn’t happen, and yet I cannot! It happened! And there has to be some sort of lesson in here, and I, for one, am hellbound and determined to figure out what it is. I’m pretty sure what it all means is that I have no business whining, and that I need to suck it up and stop taking life (and myself) so seriously. Yes, that’s it. Nevermind that I don’t ever take anything seriously anyway, but we’ll go with that.
For starters, I have what seems like my period again, and yet is only wild PMS mixed with other less than savory symptoms, which means, yes, it’s been less than three weeks since my last one. Menstruation and fertility is a neverending madcap adventure full of twists, turns and unexpected detours! Life is a…maxipad. Or a menstrual cup. Or something.
This excitement was followed by a surprisingly crushing work disappointment that was only eclipsed by my irritation at myself for being disappointed, which I totally didn’t expect nor want to be. But enough about that, because I can’t talk about it anyway. But suffice it to say that if these were the only two things that happened, it would have been merely a bad day. However, the events that unfolded pushed it into the realm of epic bad days.
The woman at Dollar General belched in my face when I tried to pay for my dish cloths, which were actually $3, because nothing in Dollar General is actually $1, except for day-old cookies. Dude, the clerk at Dollar General let out a ripping, stinky belch right in my face, just as I leaned over to catch the dish cloth that was slipping behind the counter, and just like that, we were nose to nose and she just…burped at me, like some kind of evil Klingon greeting. I was belched at, my friends. BELCHED.
But wait! There’s more! I got my haircut tonight, and somehow my hairdresser and I got into a discussion about weight loss and the resulting flab from some sort of wild loosening of fat or something. I mentioned that I definitely felt some things flapping around, and he actually said, “Oh yes, I see what you mean. Your arms?”
Okay, a) No, actually, I meant my ass; and b) my arms? There’s something wrong with my arms too? They’re FLAPPING? Do I have…bat wings?
I opted to end the day with a pizza and some wine, Weight Watchers be damned, because really, I can think of very few occasions where pizza and wine are more appropriate. Three people cut me in line at the pizza parlor, one of whom crushed down on my instep and elbowed me out of the way, saying, “Move it, lady, we’re picking up. Order there.” Never mind that I, too, was picking up, and was there first. And he called me lady. Am old dottering fart with bat wings.
That was not the end of the pizza disaster, because when I arrived in the parking lot, two women with no teeth were hunched around the back of a pick up smoking cigarettes, and refused to move to let me in my car, at least until they asked me what kind of pizza I had, and if they could come home with me to “snack on it” and maybe “snack on [my] sweet thighs, too!”
Seriously. And we haven’t even gotten to the Boston Celtics #5 draft pick, which sucked hairy balls, and need I remind anyone that they’ve never had a #1 draft pick – the closest they came was #2 Len Bias, who DIED, and then after that, there was the Great Tim Duncan Disaster, and now we’ve got shit, just SHIT, and as Adam put it, ten more years of bloody misery, that’s what.
However, there are good things, not the least of which is that today was so spectacularly bad that by the time the toothless women were ready to dip my thighs in Ah-So rib sauce, I couldn’t stop laughing, because honestly. Also! I got a good haircut, and because someone asked me what I look like, and I realized I deleted every photo from my archives one day when everything broke, here you go:
I can’t explain the face. Why am I gazing at you so conspiratorially? Do you want to make out behind the bleachers? Also totally worth noting that my self-portrait skills have not improved, even with the new camera, and since I don’t plan to practice, I don’t see much opportunity for advancement. And I’m still taking them in the bathroom.
Random interlude: I hate Jordin Sparks. Seriously, like, a whole lot.
Also, because dogs make everything better, and why not?
I dare you not to kiss this face. I DARE YOU.
Happy Wednesday!
*The Brother Kite. Also a song that makes everything better.
Entry Filed under: Nuttin'
38 Comments Add your own
1. Heath | May 22nd, 2007 at 7:42 pm
Wow, that *is* a cute haircut. It’s as cute as Sunny, and when you say something is as cute as a pug, you’re really saying something.
2. Carol | May 22nd, 2007 at 8:10 pm
I’m so sorry about your day – can’t believe the pizza line people! and the belch – oh, and the smokers. Gawd! How awful.
The haircut looks amazing..but more importantly, you look amazing. I can TOTALLY tell that you have lost some weight. Your face looks so skinny! (Not that you didn’t look great before!
3. Sueb0b | May 22nd, 2007 at 8:42 pm
Ejole. What a messed up day. But the haircut, that is good.
You Celtics fans deserve whatever pain you get. Of course, this is coming from a Lakers fan of Magic Johnston vintage. So I still think of the Celtics as being Byrd and Parrish and that evil ugly Maguire…
4. -R- | May 22nd, 2007 at 8:42 pm
Oh my gosh, that is totally now what I thought you looked like! (I think all the pictures I have seen of you have your camera in front of your face.) And I love the haircut!
5. -R- | May 22nd, 2007 at 8:42 pm
Oops – totally NOT what I thought you looked like.
6. Daily Tragedies | May 22nd, 2007 at 9:10 pm
Yeah, I’m with -R- … not what I pictured. Not that that’s a bad thing! But awesome haircut, even if it made you question your (not-)flabby arms.
If I may inquire…how tall are you? I find headshots of people on the internet (lovely though yours is) does little to impart um, scale. (FWIW, I’m 5’2″ and I think I naturally assume everyone is “my height” and am therefore surprised to discover that they are, in fact, 5’10″ or something. OK, I’m just going to stop talking now.)
7. Meepers | May 22nd, 2007 at 9:42 pm
Somehow, you are ….more smiley than I picture you in my head. But no batwings in sight.
8. jen | May 22nd, 2007 at 10:28 pm
That IS a super cute haircut! Very chic.
I can’t believe you got belched on. I hope she at least had the decency to look embarrassed!!
I had no idea you read my site, I got so excited when you commented!! You crack me up and make me think all the time, so I feel honored!
Also, I don’t think I know any woman over the age of 18 who DOESN’T have at least a minor case of bat wings — I certainly do. I confine any waving hello to one quick one to avoid activation.
9. jonniker | May 23rd, 2007 at 4:23 am
Suebob, what? WHAT? GOD NO. That was so long ago! Since then, we’ve barely SURVIVED, and we’ve endured some of the worst basketball in history. You at least have had some…moments in recent history to hold on to, even if they were perpetuated by a phony would-be rapist.
Jesus, now I’m dying to know what everyone was expecting, and I’m a little frightened. (R, seriously? You had no idea? After all this time?)
Meepers, were you expecting anger or something? HEH.
Also, DT, I’m 5′ 7 ”. I’m a little taller than you then, yes.
10. TwoBusy | May 23rd, 2007 at 5:18 am
So… should we assume you didn’t take the toothless but friendly nicotine fiends up on their generous offer?
11. Claire | May 23rd, 2007 at 5:24 am
Ooh, cute haircut. Has Lenny added some red or is that just the light in the bathroom? And look! You’re still wearing earrings! hee!
What a shitty, shitty day. And i can’t believe people. Just people in general. Who burps in people’s faces? And i’m sorry? Sweet thighs??
Maybe its the heat down there. The sun is cooking their brains.
12. Mauigirl52 | May 23rd, 2007 at 5:32 am
So sorry you had such a rotten day! But you still made me laugh out loud with “old doddering fart with batwings.” I remember the first time I felt old (and I was really young at the time – like 15?) was when some kid I babysat for asked me how many kids I had. Of course since then I’ve endured being called “ma’am,” “lady” (and worse things) and I really DO have batwings! But you don’t. So I hope you have a much better day tomorrow and thanks for posting your picture, you look great!
13. Heather B. | May 23rd, 2007 at 5:57 am
Would it make things better if I told you that you look freaking pretty AND adorable?
14. Swistle | May 23rd, 2007 at 6:12 am
OMG, that day. It is as if you had a little black raincloud over your head, reaching down with lightning bolts of belches in the face, unsolicited bat-wing references, and sexual harassment from little old ladies. Jesus. I mean, that’s your dose of weird icky badness for the whole YEAR, right?
Also, hair = so freaking cute. Can’t stand it.
15. Lawyerish | May 23rd, 2007 at 6:26 am
I don’t know, Jonna…the conspiratorial look is getting awfully close to Flickr self-portrait territory…
Oh, I kid. You look adorable, as always. And the haircut is very edgy! You are EDGY, man.
16. Sadie | May 23rd, 2007 at 6:28 am
You had what I like to call a “Falling Down day.” Whenever I have one of those days, people who crush my instep and call me “lady” in a pushy tone and get in the way of me and my fucking pizza end up very very sorry. But it seems you are a nicer person than I am, because you are not typing this entry from a holding cell. So good for you!
Hair = cute, but God you endure a lot of abuse from Lenny.
17. Sadie | May 23rd, 2007 at 6:30 am
OH! and when I watched the NBA draft blahbadeeblah last night I was mostly thinking about how PISSED Bill Simmons must be right now about the Celtics. I can’t wait to read his next blog.
18. Jamie | May 23rd, 2007 at 6:57 am
I. Love. The. Hair.
So much so that I’ve turned into one of those supremely annoying commenters that feels it necessary to punctuate every. single. word.
Also, that picture of Sunny is completely adorable.
19. p|b | May 23rd, 2007 at 7:00 am
I’d like to say on behalf of Texans, you can HAVE Tim Duncan. He is the whiny-EST man to ever pick up a basketball. I think I saw him cry, when someone knocked him down. Big baby. “The Big-Fundamental” Yeah what a great nickname.
On a side note, I found your site by accident last week and you are awesomely funny. I hate to tell you that I am usually in tears of laughter over your daily debacles. But then, I think you wouldn’t mind.
20. Beth | May 23rd, 2007 at 7:17 am
Awesome haircut, as usual.
And I’m aghast at the pizza people and smokers. Absolutely aghast.
21. Nancy | May 23rd, 2007 at 7:25 am
You and Sunny are absurdly adorable. A most excellent cut, which doesn’t QUITE make up for your hairdresser’s seriously ungallant remark (remind me to tell you about the time DK said, wide-eyed, as I was gesturing, “wow, you’re sort of flapping there, sweetie”).
Belchers, toothless heckling cannibals, Shovey McShovers? Dude, that crowd makes NYC’s populous sound positively refined.
22. Sundry | May 23rd, 2007 at 7:55 am
The hair is supremely awesome, and may I also compliment your neck for being all supple and lithesome and shit.
HOWEVER, your dog is scaring me. He looks a tiny, tiny bit like Andy Rooney.
23. Andrea | May 23rd, 2007 at 8:12 am
Okay, not that you asked for solutions/comebacks to yesterday’s catastrophes but I’ve come up with a few.
1: if I could cure PMS and the other unsavory symptoms of menstruation, I wouldn’t be sitting here at work but off on my yacht watching over my brood while they swam and frolicked in the on-deck pool as we motored our way around the Caribbean. So you’re totally out of luck there.
2: The belcher. Belch back at her. Or ask if she had onions and peppers for lunch, because it sure smells like it. At least make her insecure for your troubles.
3: The pizza place. If only there were a way to figure out the cutter man’s name you could call the pizza place from your cell phone and cancel his order.
4: The toothless wonders. Offer them bites of your (nonexistent) bat wings and everybody goes home happy. Then you’re just left with a fantastic haircut and you only have to put up with dirty genitalia references from your hairdresser instead of insults.
I love the conspiratorial look. I feel like I’m in on your secret, whatever that secret may be.
Hopefully today is going better for you.
24. Aim | May 23rd, 2007 at 8:23 am
Excellent haircut, mija. You look great.
I just finished my third period in six weeks. Oh, it’s fun to be me. Seems I have a polyp. It’s apparently roughly the size of a pencil eraser or something, and yet my uterus is turning itself inside out trying to get rid of it. What joy is mine.
Also, learned today that my inner architecture makes a vaginal ultrasound A) plenty uncomfortable and B) pretty much useless, except as a way of getting rid of about a quart of lube gel.
TMI? You betcha! Hey, Jonna started it.
25. Melissa | May 23rd, 2007 at 11:11 am
What a day. It made a hilarious post, if that is any consolation. Still, I hope today was nothing like yesterday!
You and your hair (and Sunny, of course) look great.
26. winterwheat | May 23rd, 2007 at 11:27 am
Great haircut. GREAT. You look hip and gorgeous.
Oh, and speaking of pugs, you should probably check this out:
http://www.theonion.com/content/news/dog_breeders_issue_massive_recall
27. anna | May 23rd, 2007 at 11:36 am
Love Love Love that haircut and i agree w/Carol that the weightloss is apparant in the ‘ol kisser!
I just have to comment because a:) you are too funny w/the batwings! and b;) My husband had the draft on and only sporadically clicked to idol per my begging, but I felt so badly for him when they got #5. He was moaning and slapping his forehead (reminds me of when I was in labor now that I think) and he just said’ The Curse of Len Bias ” “It’s the damn curse of Len Bias”
Oh and sorry to say, I love JORDAN. ..
Have a great day,
xox,
Banana
28. Maya(Meepers) | May 23rd, 2007 at 12:38 pm
I don’t know why this lists me as Meepers…but any rate, no, I wasn’t expecting *anger* (although you had a bit of reason lately….being BELCHED on? Naaaasty!) ….more like an ironic smirk? Not sure. At any rate, would like to say I looove your hair and you look cute and up to a tiny bit of mischief to me. Which is to say: Having a good time.
29. Amanda | May 23rd, 2007 at 12:58 pm
You are hot! I love the cut, the colour, your expression. I think you’ve got to be one of the least narcississtic (I can never spell that properly) bloggers out there, since there are so few photos of you online. But that’s what makes this solitary glimpse at your face so special. Thanks for sharing the new ‘do and the tale of your hideous day. You totally deserved that pizza.
30. Leigh | May 23rd, 2007 at 1:55 pm
Cutest haricut in the world. I’ve been growing mine out for 3 years but now I totally want to cut it. Not sure I could tolerate the abuse you take from your haircutter, but he seriously is an artist.
You look marvelous.
31. Carolyn J. | May 23rd, 2007 at 6:33 pm
Yep, good haircut. You are one of “those” people who can get away with red hair. All of us non-red-heads are envious!
32. jonniker | May 23rd, 2007 at 6:38 pm
Oh dude, now I’m embarrassed, because y’all are awfully nice. Thanks. Today was also SO MUCH BETTER
Claire: Oh we’re in the process of de-redding, because until yesterday, it was FLAMING RED, like OMG RED HI I AM RED.
(And Heather, that totally helps. You are sweet)
33. Cassidy | May 24th, 2007 at 7:52 am
Did the cashier at the dollar store at least say sorry for burping in your face? How horrifying. I think that I would have screamed at her!
34. Gentry | May 24th, 2007 at 10:36 am
omg! You guys are both so cute! There. I kissed you both. But Jonniker, I kissed you on the hair.
35. Melanie | May 25th, 2007 at 7:07 pm
Your hair is adorable – I love the color, too. And I would totally kiss your dog. I want to smooch the screen just looking at that picture.
36. Urban Chick | May 28th, 2007 at 9:29 am
wow! the haircut rocks!
wish i could *do* short hair
*sniffs*
37. Lotta | June 2nd, 2007 at 6:11 pm
You look smok’n hot. I’m doing WW too. I fear the skin that will surely come crushing down to my feet when all the fat is gone. (But your arms look great to me!)
38. Aaron Johns | February 24th, 2011 at 2:34 pm
Howdo! Thank u for a very fresh idea. I am wondering why i have never though of this as well. I will definately try to use your blog for getting some more fresh info!
Thanks!
John Blemberg
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