Out of Line
May 24th, 2007
Nothing screams GOOD MORNING! like a cat biting you on the ass shortly after you head into the bathroom for the first pee of the day. Three mornings in a row, that’s what he’s done, and because I’m goldfish-like in that I have absolutely no recollection from one morning to the next, I continue to let him follow me into the bathroom. And every day, I proceed to sit down and do my business with my eyes at half-mast, only to be jerked into full consciousness by the stinky-lipped teeth of a pissed-off cat who just wants his goddamn BREAKFAST ALREADY, oh my God, is that too much to ask? This leg-rubbing shit just ain’t cutting it anymore I guess, so he’s resorted to circling the back of the commode for access to my (still-ample) backside.
His only regret is that he didn’t get to toss any salads while he had the chance.
I neglected to mention that during Tuesday’s Day of Woe someone at the office stole two pounds of my newly-purchased cherries from the refrigerator and had themselves a delicious snack. Honestly, I have to think there’s a special place in hell for office food thieves – a place that involves nothing but half-eaten sandwiches with moldy crusts and partially-thawed Smart Ones with the cellophane all broken, rendering them all but un-microwavable. Further, I have to wonder what kind of person wants to eat someone else’s office food, because I think I’d rather lick up my own bile from the floor of a fetid bathroom, seriously. I mean, cherries I guess I understand (TWO POUNDS), but I remain utterly mystified by those who steal things like homemade sandwiches, leftovers and (oh my God) dairy products, and shockingly, they are a legion.
*gags uncontrollably*
I have a thing about dairy products, in that they cannot be shared, except under the most sterile of circumstances. I have a set of rules around the sharing of the dairy, which involves no carton lips touching any drinking surfaces, and CERTAINLY no spoons in the ice cream except for the one that you use to serve yourself, and if you even consider double-dipping, I will never eat ice cream again. Whenever anyone offers me a taste of their ice cream cone, it literally takes every ounce of restraint I can muster to choke out a polite “No, thank you” instead of smashing the cone between their eyes and running away. I don’t know, maybe it’s that milk IS some kind of mucus (thank you random health food store lady), which makes me feel…mucusy, and all I picture is mucus on mucus and oh my God, I’ve got to go throw up now, for I am grossing myself out, because dairy is really, really gross, yet oddly compelling. Mmmm…cream cheese.
Speaking of foul, a friend of mine had a perfect stranger tell her today that not only is it ridiculous that she’s been married to her husband for four years and doesn’t have any children, but that the stranger’s parents were fertility doctors, and in order to make the babies, my friend needs to douche with baking soda after sex to “get the sperm moving,” combined with appropriate hand-flitting gestures, like little fireworks. Or sperm cells, or something. I don’t know. The thing is, when was the last time anyone mentioned the word “douche” in any sort of remotely serious and/or helpful context? I mean, don’t get me wrong, douchbag is actually one of my favorite quasi-curse words (it’s so satisfying, and I don’t know why), but no one should be douching. No one. And certainly not with baking soda, sweet Jesus, I don’t care how zippy it makes sperm (or not. Because really). But who knew that the cure for infertility has been right there in all of our cabinets all along? Fuck Clomid! Who needs IVF? Arm & Hammer’s where it’s at, and it freshens your refrigerator, too!
And on that note, I hope you have a douche-free Memorial Day weekend full of wonder and delight and fast-moving sperm, if that’s what you want. For our part, we plan to take lots of pictures and do a whole lot of nothing, which is exactly how I like it.
*The Bravery
Entry Filed under: Nuttin'
22 Comments Add your own
1. Jana | May 24th, 2007 at 8:11 pm
I’m de-lurking here to say “thank you” for the funniest post I’ve ever read. As someone who has suffered from secondary infertility, your rant about the baking soda douche cracked me up. Sadly, had we not gotten pregnant on our own, I probably would have tried it!
2. Christine | May 24th, 2007 at 8:17 pm
You let the cat know that you know of a very nice Chinese food restaurant that is just itching to get their hands on him. Or so I told the Ninja when he shit on a very undesignated area and there was a turd hanging from our exposed brick wall. No poops have been there since.
And, really? Baking soda? Not that we’re trying for a pregnancy around these parts (please god NO), but what? Baking soda in water? And how could that possibly be good for anything up in there. Me thinks not.
3. theotherbear | May 24th, 2007 at 8:31 pm
I hate office food thieves. I watched someone make toast with butter and vegemite a while ago. I waited till they finished and took a big bite and said “See how those food items have ‘Amanda’ written all over them? Hi, I’m Amanda, and you’re eating my breakfast.” That guy has NEVER spoken to me again.
4. Claire | May 25th, 2007 at 4:49 am
Well, good morning! Would you like some mucus in your coffee? ok… and what kind of mucus do you have with your cereal? Oh, only skim mucus for me, thank you, mucus on my Grapenuts is what i would like for breakfast. Mucus?
Mucusmucus?
I am a little nauseous now.
5. TwoBusy | May 25th, 2007 at 5:54 am
I second Claire’s motion, and hereby declare that the sequel to “Being John Malkovich” will be called “Being Jonniker,” and will feature dozens of people with Ronald McDonald hair and dialogue like:
“Mucusmucus? Mucus mucus mucus mucus.”
“Ah, Mucus! Mucusmucus, mucus mucus MUUUUUCUS!!!”
“Ha ha ha ha ha! Mucus!”
6. Swistle | May 25th, 2007 at 6:06 am
I can’t believe someone stole those cherries. That is so depraved. Love “smashing the cone between their eyes and running away”–ha ha ha!
7. Lawyerish | May 25th, 2007 at 6:17 am
So I guess it would bother you that the husband and I share ice cream cones all the time? And yet, come to think of it, I would never, EVER, share a lollipop, with him or anyone else. Why is that? I love people’s food neuroses. They are so oddly fascinating.
8. Cassidy | May 25th, 2007 at 6:41 am
I have no problem sharing ice cream cones with anyone! And the only thing that keeps me from drinking out of the milk carton is that I am not good at drinking out of the V that the cardboard milk cartons make. I always spill. I honestly have no shame when it comes to others germs.
9. -R- | May 25th, 2007 at 7:01 am
My college roommate would make out with strangers, but refused to share a drink with me ever. Made me so mad!
10. Andrea | May 25th, 2007 at 7:12 am
I think I love Amanda, who let the guy take a bite before she told him he was eating her breakfast. That may be the best food theivery revenge I’ve ever read/heard about.
My company is clearly delineated by office staff and factory staff. It’s mainly a result of geography because the offices are not interspersed with assembly lines, but are cordoned off and quiet compared to where the magic of our company production happens. Anyway, there are two cafeterias, one near the plant and one near the offices so they are dubbed the “office caf” and the “plant caf”. It’s not taboo to cross into the other cafeteria but there are certain rules which must not be broken. No one from the other cafeteria is allowed to store their lunch in the opposite caf’s fridge. Vending machine food is up for grabs, but leave the condiments alone unless there are none in the other cafeteria. It’s all unwritten but strictly enforced by dirty looks and vicious comments against the rule breaker.
This is a really long way of saying why it was so shocking to me to walk in and find a plant worker in the office cafeteria going through peoples’ lunches. There was no way anything in there was his, and he was blatantly grocery shopping until he harked someone’s fruit salad and yogurt. When I asked him whose that was, he snarkily said it was his now, and sauntered his cocky ass back to his side of the building. Luckily, he didn’t end up working here for long, but dude, I wanted to throttle him and it wasn’t even my food he was stealing!
I hope he dropped dead for stealing someone else’s dairy, even if it was sealed.
And baking soda douche? That’s just wrong. Actually, I have heard of yogurt (plain) working to ease and prevent yeast infections, and was appalled to learn that they meant actually applying it to the affected area instead of eating the yogurt and having the yogurt cultures move through the system the “regular” way. But apparently there are women who swear by it as an alternative to those 3, 5, and 7 day creams. But baking soda infertility treatments is just insulting to the couples going through infertility who are enlisting the help of medical professionals. If it were that easy, you’d think that people wouldn’t be shelling out the thousands that infertility treatments cost. It gives people who are using legitimate means to counteract their infertility no credit whatsoever.
11. p|b | May 25th, 2007 at 7:53 am
At 9:30 in the morning, a woman in my office goes to the kitchen, plugs in a toaster and toasts 4 pieces of bread. Then, add a container of butter. Then place 4 pieces of microwaved Bologna and 2 pieces of pastrami between each piece of toast.
The smell is phenomenal.
We also have someone that eats microwaved fish.
Yes.
12. Suebob | May 25th, 2007 at 7:56 am
Sharing ice cream cones is especially vile because of all the gleaming saliva involved…urk, I gag thinking about it.
I am not big on the food sharing anyway. You get yours, I get mine, everybody is happy, right? I always wanted to stab the exMrStapler with a fork when he would steal my food off my plate. It was especially galling because as a vegetarian, I could not extract revenge by reciprocating. He would snag my butternut squash ravioli, but I never wanted his penne bolognese.
Office food stealers. Feh. Who RAISED these people? I dunno about you, but the rule is that you don’t take things that aren’t yours. Nothing that isn’t yours. Not even if it is lying right out there in public on the sidewalk unattended, not if it is valuable or not valuable, not if no one will ever know. It seems simple to me.
13. lizgwiz | May 25th, 2007 at 8:55 am
Actually, if douche you must, baking soda and water is perfectly safe. (But for infertility? Huh?) My doctor told me years ago, when I used to struggle with yeast infections, (before I gave up pantyhose) that to prevent yeast infections I could douche weekly with either baking soda or vinegar and water. “But not both. Or you might explode.” (Doctor humor. Gotta love it.) The idea is to change the pH to one less hospitable to the yeast organisms.
Regardless, I can’t imagine browbeating a perfect stranger like that! WTF?
14. Jamie | May 25th, 2007 at 9:47 am
One of my coworkers recently attempted to target a office food thief by taking a 2-week old sandwich (left behind by god knows who) and wrap it up in Corner Bakery wrapping (used) and writing her own name on the outside. Sure enough, it was taken the next day, and the food thief never struck again.
15. Gentry | May 25th, 2007 at 11:27 am
I douche every day. (It’s the French word for “shower.”)
And I’d like to thank plb for reminding me why it’s good to work from home.
16. Amanda | May 25th, 2007 at 3:57 pm
I too find the word douche so fun to toss around. My husband hates it. I’m always saying, “So and so is such a DOUCHEBAG!” and he just grimaces and tells me what a foul mouth I have.
17. Erin | May 25th, 2007 at 4:23 pm
At my last job (thank internet I work from home now) I used to take in bottles of soda in an attempt to save money (buying from the convenience store next door was way too expensive) but it was constantly backfiring because SOMEONE would always drink almost all of whatever soda I would leave in the bottle (that I would be meaning to save for the next day). I’d leave for the day with half a bottle of soda left and the next morning I’d come back to find only half of a swallow left in the bottle. What kind of a freak does that? I mean seriously–why not just finish the last swallow too??
18. Style Bard | May 25th, 2007 at 6:07 pm
Thought you’d enjoy this, Jonna.
http://passiveaggressivenotes.wordpress.com/
Everytime I get really fed up with someone’s food-stealing behavior, reading some of these calms me down and keeps me from acting out like a lunatic.
19. Melissa | May 25th, 2007 at 6:09 pm
We have a food thief at work. We’re pretty sure we know who it is, but since he’s a nice old man who is sweeter than sugar, we let it slide. Except for the time he stole my block of cheese (shared dairy!) and I went quietly ballistic. I left a carefully worded “To whoever absconded with my cheese” note, and the next day a new block of cheese was in the fridge, all innocent-like. Thanks to my sister for the note – I’d emailed that I was about to start breaking down office doors, and she suggested a more laid-back approach.
The problem was, he brought the one cheese in the world I don’t like. Still, I appreciated the effort.
20. Melanie | May 25th, 2007 at 6:55 pm
Food stealers suck. Someone here stole a kid’s frozen TV dinner (though why it was here at work and not at home, where the kid presumably lives is beyond me…) and there was a big brouhaha with emailing pictures of smiling penguin TV dinners and stuff. But, seriously, why would you steal a frozen dinner for a child? With green applesauce?
I’d leave a note, because it’s not like cherries are cheap!!!
21. Amy | May 26th, 2007 at 7:14 am
Can we talk about the rakish handsomeness of your cat? What’s that tuxedo-wearing smoothie’s name? I love him, and I love that he bites you on the ass. I’ll bet it’s the best part of his day.
22. TammiCochran23 | March 21st, 2010 at 3:54 am
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