Lonely in Your Nightmare

Does anyone remember poop wars? To briefly recap, in retaliation for neighborhood dogs pooping in yards that are not their own, a few of my neighbors have been passing around a bag full of old dog poop, depositing it on the doorsteps of suspected dog-dropping offenders during the night. I have come to refer to it as the Asshole Bag.

Well. The creator of the Asshole Bag has extended her repertoire to a line of Asshole Booby Traps. Across from her house, you see, is an electrical box-generator-type thing, which holds the power and switches for the electrical-like things in the neighborhood (fountains, streetlights, etc.), which kids REALLY like to hang out on and sit on top of late at night. This does not please her. In fact, one might say it pisses her off immensely, because today she told me that she’s been laying out a thick layer of Vaseline on the sittable surfaces (why didn’t I say flat? Why?), then dotting the Vaseline with dog poop procured from the Asshole Bag, so that unsuspecting sitters will find themselves covered in months-old dog shit mixed with petroleum jelly, which will never, ever come out of clothes. Ever. Did I mention never? Never, oh my God, never.

This seems a bit extreme, does it not?

Separately, yet also neighbor-related, I loathe one of my neighbors, for reasons that are completely centered around the fact that she’s very, very mean, and in fact, is actually an asshole. Yet, she’s perpetually complaining how no one likes her because she’s fat and unattractive, and people are prejudiced against those with a “larger girth and a face that’s been hit by a shovel, goddammit,” (her words, oh my God, way to treat yourself nicely) and life is not fair, just NOT FAIR, to heavy unattractive people.

Honestly, and I really mean this: I never noticed or cared if she was fat or unattractive (her appearance is fine, seriously), even though I think there’s some validity to her claims in the world at large. I do, however, both notice AND care that she’s mean. If I had any balls at all, I would explain this to her the next time she goes Rosie O’Donnell on my ass, but then of course, she’d tell her comrade- in-arms, Asshole Bag Neighbor, and my house would be Vaselined and Pooped-On within moments, and I lack the intestinal fortitude for such clean-ups.

I’m feeling a little homesick this weekend, if you can’t tell, and though I am entirely grateful for the life I have here, and for my apparently hunky (thanks, Suebob!) and extremely funny husband (We laugh. A whole lot), all I wanted to do this weekend was tool around western Massachusetts and hike in the woods and have dinner with friends and oh, some days I just want to go home, you know?

Anyway. Bucking up. This weekend was full of dog park visits, bathroom painting and caulking (riveting!) and barbecuing. But most importantly, there was Trivial Pursuit playing, and not just any Trivial Pursuit, but the Totally 80s edition, and oh yes, it rocked, but more importantly, I rocked the music category, to Adam’s extraordinary irritation. Most question and answer sessions went something like this:

A: Which group’s video for “Girls-”

J: GIRLS ON FILM. DURAN DURAN.

Not that that question was particularly HARD, but I wouldn’t even let him finish most of the questions, and oh, I was downright smug about it. I can be a little competitive, when it comes to game playing, to put it mildly, and I’m quite good at Trivial Pursuit of all forms (savant-like really, given that most games that require actual skill leave me stuttering in the corner, yet obscure facts about Israeli Mossad activities and what year Mary Hart joined Entertainment Tonight? My brain capacity knows no limit!), and hereby vow to humbly beat the pants off of any of those who challenge me to a game. I double dog dare you, really.

Finally, a question: Ah So sauce. Do you know what it is? Was it available where you grew up/live, in your grocery stores? It’s the pink Chinese rib sauce, named in a strangely inappropriate Mickey Rooney/Breakfast at Tiffany’s kind of way. And I can’t find it anywhere, and it occurred to me that maybe it’s a New England-only thing.

Hope you had a great holiday weekend! Here’s to Tuesday!

*Duran Duran

13 comments May 28th, 2007