Lonely in Your Nightmare
May 28th, 2007
Does anyone remember poop wars? To briefly recap, in retaliation for neighborhood dogs pooping in yards that are not their own, a few of my neighbors have been passing around a bag full of old dog poop, depositing it on the doorsteps of suspected dog-dropping offenders during the night. I have come to refer to it as the Asshole Bag.
Well. The creator of the Asshole Bag has extended her repertoire to a line of Asshole Booby Traps. Across from her house, you see, is an electrical box-generator-type thing, which holds the power and switches for the electrical-like things in the neighborhood (fountains, streetlights, etc.), which kids REALLY like to hang out on and sit on top of late at night. This does not please her. In fact, one might say it pisses her off immensely, because today she told me that she’s been laying out a thick layer of Vaseline on the sittable surfaces (why didn’t I say flat? Why?), then dotting the Vaseline with dog poop procured from the Asshole Bag, so that unsuspecting sitters will find themselves covered in months-old dog shit mixed with petroleum jelly, which will never, ever come out of clothes. Ever. Did I mention never? Never, oh my God, never.
This seems a bit extreme, does it not?
Separately, yet also neighbor-related, I loathe one of my neighbors, for reasons that are completely centered around the fact that she’s very, very mean, and in fact, is actually an asshole. Yet, she’s perpetually complaining how no one likes her because she’s fat and unattractive, and people are prejudiced against those with a “larger girth and a face that’s been hit by a shovel, goddammit,” (her words, oh my God, way to treat yourself nicely) and life is not fair, just NOT FAIR, to heavy unattractive people.
Honestly, and I really mean this: I never noticed or cared if she was fat or unattractive (her appearance is fine, seriously), even though I think there’s some validity to her claims in the world at large. I do, however, both notice AND care that she’s mean. If I had any balls at all, I would explain this to her the next time she goes Rosie O’Donnell on my ass, but then of course, she’d tell her comrade- in-arms, Asshole Bag Neighbor, and my house would be Vaselined and Pooped-On within moments, and I lack the intestinal fortitude for such clean-ups.
I’m feeling a little homesick this weekend, if you can’t tell, and though I am entirely grateful for the life I have here, and for my apparently hunky (thanks, Suebob!) and extremely funny husband (We laugh. A whole lot), all I wanted to do this weekend was tool around western Massachusetts and hike in the woods and have dinner with friends and oh, some days I just want to go home, you know?
Anyway. Bucking up. This weekend was full of dog park visits, bathroom painting and caulking (riveting!) and barbecuing. But most importantly, there was Trivial Pursuit playing, and not just any Trivial Pursuit, but the Totally 80s edition, and oh yes, it rocked, but more importantly, I rocked the music category, to Adam’s extraordinary irritation. Most question and answer sessions went something like this:
A: Which group’s video for “Girls-”
J: GIRLS ON FILM. DURAN DURAN.
Not that that question was particularly HARD, but I wouldn’t even let him finish most of the questions, and oh, I was downright smug about it. I can be a little competitive, when it comes to game playing, to put it mildly, and I’m quite good at Trivial Pursuit of all forms (savant-like really, given that most games that require actual skill leave me stuttering in the corner, yet obscure facts about Israeli Mossad activities and what year Mary Hart joined Entertainment Tonight? My brain capacity knows no limit!), and hereby vow to humbly beat the pants off of any of those who challenge me to a game. I double dog dare you, really.
Finally, a question: Ah So sauce. Do you know what it is? Was it available where you grew up/live, in your grocery stores? It’s the pink Chinese rib sauce, named in a strangely inappropriate Mickey Rooney/Breakfast at Tiffany’s kind of way. And I can’t find it anywhere, and it occurred to me that maybe it’s a New England-only thing.
Hope you had a great holiday weekend! Here’s to Tuesday!
*Duran Duran
Entry Filed under: Nuttin'
13 Comments Add your own
1. Beth | May 28th, 2007 at 7:22 pm
Ugh – nasty neighbor. I know you have to play the neighborhood politics in order to keep the peace, but I would totally want to secretly report her to the police for vandalism. That’s just too freakin’ gross.
2. elise | May 28th, 2007 at 10:46 pm
I was walking my 9 week-old German Shepherd puppy through the neighborhood a few days ago. One of my neighbors (widely suspected to be particularly evil) stopped me and mentioned (in what I thought was a friendly tone) that my puppy was carrying a section of her leash in her mouth while being walked.
Of course I was aware that the puppy was doing this; in fact, I was happily passing it off as Cute Puppy Behavior That Probably Should Be Corrected But Maybe It’s Not Such A Big Deal Since She’s So Young And It’s Really Freaking Cute. Anyway, I responded to the neighbor’s observation by giggling and saying something like “I know, she always does that!”. Something light and friendly. We could laugh together, I thought. Laugh at the puppy’s cuteness.
No, this neighbor proceeded to give me a fairly long and in-depth lecture about doggy dental care, and what might happen if I was to, I don’t know. Go into an epileptic seizure and jerk her leash REALLY hard. The dog might lose a tooth! And canine gums! They’re sensitive! Evil Neighbor then gave me a scathing look and told me that if I wanted to own a dog, then I could at least familiarize myself with proper safety procedures.
This is the same neighbor who wrote me and my husband this note. So I guess what I’m wondering is, do you think I should be on the lookout for Vaseline-ed up dog-poop pretty soon?
It sounds like I might want to be.
3. LyndaL | May 29th, 2007 at 2:18 am
Hee! I think we may have been separated at birth! I even remember the video for Lonely in your Nightmare (which was never even released as a single) – there was lots of Simon Le Bon standing at windows looking wistful beside floaty curtains. And I have been known to be the only person insisting on finishing Trivial Pursuit games at 2am when everyone else JUST WANTS TO GO TO BED, PLEASE!!!! because I cannot and will not give up my unbeaten record. Sad, really.
4. Blythe | May 29th, 2007 at 3:12 am
1. Lonely in Your Nightmare is a little too low for Simon’s register, but the brooding! in the video!
2. I’ve always wondered if that 80′s Trivial Pursuit would be much fun. Must try it. Though I would no longer be able to impress fellow players with my knowledge of entertainment trivia that occurred long before my birth. I answered a question about Perry Como correctly once and my father-in-law stopped the game, stared across the table, and said, “How old ARE you anyway?”
3. I always professed that Breakfast at Tiffany’s was my favorite movie until my best friend from college rented it for me as a treat on my birthday. I had totally forgotten about the whole Mickey Rooney thing. And my friend is Japanese. I wanted to die and yet we just sat there and watched the movie, and I quietly slunk home.
5. EDW | May 29th, 2007 at 5:55 am
Oh, I love Trivial Pursuit! I have both the 80′s and 90′s – and we have this really weird game that’s all about music videos. But they only used what they could get rights to, so there’s all these questions and videos about bands you don’t remember but soon claim to know about playing one round of the game.
But your neighbors? They are evil.
6. Sadie | May 29th, 2007 at 6:33 am
Wow, how did you not stare, open-mouthed and appalled, at your neighbor when she told you of her Vaseline-poop plan? There is no way I could hide my skeevement. Yes, I just invented that word.
And what do the noisy teens who like to hang out on the electrical box have ANYTHING to do with the Poop Wars? Seems they are innocents being caught in the Poop crossfire here, wouldn’t you say?
I am also really really good at Trivial Pursuit (and all things trivial, really), but my boyfriend is a formidable opponent and I hate it. I bought the 90s Edition and it sucks, if you ask me.
7. Jamie | May 29th, 2007 at 7:00 am
I totally painted my bathroom this weekend! Hope yours turned out well – mine still needs some…touch up…ahem. By someone who knows how to paint in very small spaces without also painting the adjacent cabinetry.
Know anyone?
8. -R- | May 29th, 2007 at 8:58 am
I just need to second Suebob’s comment. Hellooo, hunky husband!
Your neighbors scare me. A lot.
We have the 90s version of Trivial Pursuit, and it is horrible. The answer to half the questions is “Seinfeld.”
9. Cassidy | May 29th, 2007 at 12:09 pm
Your neighbors are truly terrifying. I love that the fat, ugly one thinks that she is being discriminated against because she is fat and ugly. I love talking with people who are out of touch.
Your puppy’s daddy (ha!) is very cute, but I can’t really see his face! Come on, give us a shot of his face!
10. jonniker | May 29th, 2007 at 12:17 pm
Cassidy – She’s not really fat and ugly, is the thing I was trying to say. Clearly she has self-esteem problems that are manifesting themselves in the way she treats people, but to blame all of her relational issues on her appearance is…well, it’s upsetting, and I just want to shake her and scream “YOU ARE A JERK. BE NICE.” But then again, I’d totally have poop on my doorstep in 2.2 seconds.
11. Gentry | May 30th, 2007 at 2:53 am
I totally want to play totally 80s trivial pursuit with you.
12. Heather B. | May 30th, 2007 at 9:10 am
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE come to Western Massachusetts. I will bring you all the Frenzia you want (I might even upgrad you!) if you come to Western Mass.
13. Melanie | May 30th, 2007 at 3:53 pm
Your neighbors are so scary!! I have to get 80s trivial pursuit, that would be so much fun,
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