Get Down, Make Love
May 29th, 2007
I love carrot cake, y’all. It’s not really an ordinary kind of love, but a deep, sensual – almost lewd – adoration that sighs heavily with each velvety bite of cool cream cheese frosting in a thick, creamy layer on warm cake flecked with just the right amount of sweet carrot and raisins. Oh, carrot cake. How I long for your sweet spongy embrace.
The problem with carrot cake is that, as with cheesecake, I cannot stop myself with just one bite, just one piece, just ONE CAKE. I become consumed with unbridled desire for more carrot cake until I’m naked and panting, face down in a roomful of smushed cakes with a satisfied smile on my face as I finally succumb to sweet carrot-laden slumber. Maybe a stray raisin dangles in my hair, I don’t know. I just know that I can’t control myself, so most of the time it’s best that I avoid it altogether.
Mmm…carrot cake.
Enter Weight Watchers. You can imagine my squeal of excitement when I saw this just before I rang up my grapes and cherries at the checkout counter this morning:
Make love to me, carrot cake. For only one point, we shall enjoy guilt-free ardor!
(Seriously, I can’t believe I just used ‘make love’ in a sentence, even if it was only around carrot cake. Honestly, I’d rather talk about using sanitary napkins on my moist nipples for DAYS ON END than talk about making love in any sort of serious context. This stems not only from the fact that it is perhaps the smarmiest term ever, but also from a perpetual prank caller I had in my formative years – a gentleman who called at all hours and simply pleaded, in a too-high John Malkovich-esque voice, “Make love to me.”)
(Back to carrot cake lovemaking.)
(“Make love to me.” SQUICK. I can’t get it out of my head.)
(Also worth noting that although I got a decent camera, my picture-taking skills have not improved. I mean, is that a masterpiece or what?)
Seriously! One point! Carrot cake! God had spoken, or so it seemed, and before you chastise me that I so should have seen this coming, remember, I am the same person who bought FizzyFruit, because I honestly thought it would transform the way I looked at fruit forever (“It’s…fizzy! WOW I LOVE GRAPES!”). I am also the same individual who let my leg hair grow out for four or five weeks while I waited for the Sweet Simplicity at-home sugar waxing kit to arrive at my doorstep because I believed in my heart of hearts that I would never shave again (Never mind that a strip of wax got trapped in my ass, which required assistance from my roommate, just NEVER MIND) (Also, I keep seeing that story pop up as an urban legend, which infuriates me, because it actually happened to me, unsavory hair and all, and my only hope is that many others have suffered the same fate. At-home bikini waxes are not for everyone, is what I’m saying, not even a little).
Over the years, at least until I grew up a little bit at least, dear God, I’ve also bought a juicer, a food chopper and various and sundry informercial items, thoroughly believing their claims of miracle-working and fast-chopping and can-cutting knifing and most of all juicing, because like the JuiceMan, I was totally going to turn into Dick Clark and never age again. Ron Popeil and I are likethis. The As Seen On TV kiosk in the mall is my favorite place ever, really it is.
So you can imagine my (repeated, crushing) disappointment when I opened up the box and found this:
Does that look reasonable to you? Does that look like a piece of cake you’d like to have an intimate relationship with?
Really?
STILL?
Fine. I should note that I have freakishly small hands, for starters – seriously, my ring size is a four, and my wedding rings are almost too loose on me, which means I’m closer to a three and three-quarters, which is so small I’m embarrassed about it. But if that doesn’t sway you, let me demonstrate what happened after I took a bite out of it. Mind you, I was eager and excited, so it was a large bite, but it’s not like I was choking or anything.
Disappointment looms large, Weight Watchers. IT LOOMS LARGE.
But the cake – the waxy, miserable cake – it looms very, very small. And so, Weight Watchers carrot cake takes its place next to ineffectual wax, bad choppers and unused juicers. Shattered dreams, my friends. Shattered dreams.
*Queen. Because once I get something annoying in my head, I am unstoppable and I pick at it like scab.
Entry Filed under: Nuttin'
35 Comments Add your own
1. Aim | May 29th, 2007 at 7:54 pm
Save up all your points and come see me and I will make you a carrot cake that will seriously cause you to consider mailing your “freakishly small” wedding rings back to that non-carrot cake-baking whosisname and becoming my slave. My carrot cake rocks. I have friends who get angry with me if I don’t make them carrot cake on their birthdays. It has elicited marriage proposals and swoons.
Seriously.
And I always make extra frosting.
2. Mauigirl52 | May 29th, 2007 at 8:01 pm
I feel your pain. I always find the Weight Watcher version of anything usually does not live up to expectations (except maybe the 1-pt. fudge popsicles they had…don’t know if they’re still out there). It is an especially poignant post since I just experienced the most divine homemade carrot cake over the weekend when we went to a 50th birthday party of a friend of ours. I concluded it is better to just have real carrot cake in moderation (2 pieces is moderation, isn’t it?) than to try to substitute anything else. I also gained 2 lbs. over the weekend so don’t listen to me.
3. jonniker | May 29th, 2007 at 8:09 pm
Oh MG. You’re right of course. YOU ARE RIGHT. The problem is that I just…well, I just can’t control myself around carrot cake. I think yes, I can totally do this in moderation, and mere moments later, the cake is gone, and I’m spent, breathing heavily and wondering what in the hell just happened?
Some days I think it might be best if carrot cake and I parted ways forever.
4. EDW | May 29th, 2007 at 8:21 pm
Oh, that’s just not right of Weight Watchers!
5. Teej | May 29th, 2007 at 9:42 pm
Yes. But try the lemon-flavored ones. A million times better. (But still too small.)
And have you tried the WW Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Ice Cream Sundaes? Holy crap. Hands down, the best calorie-controlled dessert I’ve ever had.
6. Daily Tragedies | May 29th, 2007 at 9:51 pm
My Evil Safeway (do they have Evil Safeway in Florida?) sells ginormous “individual” pieces of cake in the bakery, carrot cake included. I’m sure they’re four servings each, and cost way more than the ingredients themselves, but I can justify the expense (and gluttony) knowing that by eating those four servings of cake, I’ve NOT eaten an entire cake.
As for the WW cakes…yeah. Disappointment on a stick. If you’re jonesing for a sugar fix, I think you’re better off with a teaspoon of sugar, straight from the container. Spare yourself the waxy fakeness of the “cake.”
7. aly | May 30th, 2007 at 3:47 am
the chocolate flavored ones are also just as bad. and heart breakingly disappointing, if you want my opinion.
also? make love is bad, but not as bad as “let’s consummate our relationship.” yup. and i wish that was only a prank caller who said that to me….
8. Allison | May 30th, 2007 at 4:13 am
And don’t forget the crunchy wax icing. I was swayed by those stupid little cakes as well.
9. p}b | May 30th, 2007 at 4:41 am
OK OK – valid point on the size. The only thing satisfying from WW is their Fudge Bars. They are 1 point. ONE POINT and they are giant. The size of maybe 3 or 4 of your hands, according to your description. Anyway, now 1 point fudge bars. You just go ahead and ask yourself if its ok to eat 6 of those and call it dinner. The answer? It most certainly is. Mmmm fudge bars. They seriously taste GOOD.
10. Claire | May 30th, 2007 at 4:53 am
Oh, WW, how disappointing. I’ve been tempted to buy those little cakes – carrot, chocolate, lemon… doesn’t really matter. But i’ve been wondering about the size and consistency. Most lowfat/nonfat things are usually completely wrong tasting and i’ve just never gotten myself to go through with it.
But was the cake part good? You know, aside from the icing? At least if i know what i’m in for, i might buy them… cause my love for cake is large. Large and looming.
11. Jamie | May 30th, 2007 at 5:59 am
You are going to get the BEST search engine hits off of this entry. All the key phrases that weirdos (es?) look for are in it – nicely done!
12. sam | May 30th, 2007 at 6:35 am
I would bathe in carrot cake if I could. And cream cheese frosting would come out of the shower head.
Oh, God. I think I just peed a little from the excitement of that mental image.
13. Lori | May 30th, 2007 at 7:15 am
“And have you tried the WW Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Ice Cream Sundaes? Holy crap. Hands down, the best calorie-controlled dessert I’ve ever had. ” Teej
YES!!! Although, sometimes it takes all my willpower to not eat two in a row! (Not on WW, but trying to make better choices.)
14. ali | May 30th, 2007 at 8:47 am
best post i’ve read all day
15. ali | May 30th, 2007 at 8:49 am
and ps…i never got an prank calls…but the term “make love” gives me the heeby jeebies
16. Cassidy | May 30th, 2007 at 9:42 am
I bought Nads once on an informercial and decided that it would be best to try the bikini wax first. I only did one side because the bleeding and bruising that occured kept me from even looking at the wax ever again. I promptly threw it away and told everyone I knew to never, never try it.
PS What is it with creepy people calling you? How many phone pervs have you encountered?
17. Leah | May 30th, 2007 at 11:23 am
All my hopes and dreams…DASHED!
18. TwoBusy | May 30th, 2007 at 11:37 am
Is there a nonchalant way to ask someone to pull a strip of wax off your ass?
19. Andrea | May 30th, 2007 at 12:57 pm
Yeah, had that waxing experience, too. Avon, hand warming strips. Hand warming my butt. The wax stayed on my skin and my skin stayed on the paper. It was only after the second try did I realize the first should have clued me in to stop already. I cried. I couldn’t force myself to pull the paper off. When I finally did, it looked like I had shaved my skin off. Oy. I tear up thinking about it.
Sam? Your comment had me laughing out loud at work.
I, too, love carrot cake. Luckily, no one around me does so I’m not exposed to it often. BUt when I am, watch out.
20. Jurgen Nation | May 30th, 2007 at 1:00 pm
I share in your undying carroty love. I love very few things (anything?) more than carrot cake. Now, if I could only find a fat-free gluten-free version. Riiiiight.
21. jonniker | May 30th, 2007 at 1:01 pm
Claire: It’s actually not terrible – the cake part, anyway, that is – but the cream cheese frosting leaves A WHOLE LOT to be desired, as in, there’s maybe a millimeter on it, and it’s waxy and upsetting and not at all made with actual cream cheese, but like cream cheese’s cousin, PLASTIC.
22. Lawyerish | May 30th, 2007 at 3:40 pm
For some reason, this whole thing makes me want to weep in disappointment on your behalf.
Also, why is the carrot cake depicted on the box with a lemon wedge for garnish? A lemon wedge? With carrot cake?? I think not.
23. Melanie | May 30th, 2007 at 4:01 pm
That is pitiful. Diet food is stupid.
But, shamefully, Fizzy Fruit excites me.
24. TwoBusy | May 30th, 2007 at 4:07 pm
Btw — don’t think I didn’t notice you were channeling Paige in your opening sentence.
25. Carolyn J. | May 30th, 2007 at 7:02 pm
It’s sad, isn’t it, that carrot cake is the most evil cake of all? It makes other full-fat cake look like diet cake. I mean, technically, you should be able to qualify carrot cake as a vegetable. Right??
26. Christine | May 31st, 2007 at 3:31 pm
Oh, my love of carrot cake is great. LARGE and in charge I tell you. Junior’s bakery in Brooklyn, famous for their cheesecakes, their recipe for carrot cake is ohmygoddelicious. Thankfully, I currently do not have a food processor with attached grater or I would be living in a carrot cake heaven and meals would alternate between the cake and the many many latkes.
27. Kaley | May 31st, 2007 at 5:24 pm
Your blog + comments = best.
I love.
I also share your love affair with cake in general. I, for some reason, adore storebought white cake, oh my Lord. I cannot eat just one piece, oh no. So I mostly avoid it altogether.
28. Cheaper Than Therapy&hellip | June 1st, 2007 at 3:30 am
[...] i’m a big fan of Jonniker, carrot cake, and low fat foods, plus i have an extra special distaste for the term ‘make love’…so this was the perfect post to nominate. [...]
29. Dana | June 1st, 2007 at 12:29 pm
“I can’t believe I just used ‘make love’ in a sentence”
Good gawd, I also hate that phrase. I told my husband to use that phrase in a question if he ever wanted to NOT have sex. I cannot hear or read that phrase without also hearing 70s porn music. Bowmp chicka bowmp bowmp.
30. AbsolutelyBananas | June 1st, 2007 at 10:09 pm
OMG I LOVE THIS POST SO VERY VERY MUCH! you are a delight to read… I am so glad to have discovered you via the ROFL awards!
31. Lotta | June 2nd, 2007 at 6:09 pm
Excellent post! I went through the same misery. The frosting was like a piece of candle wax. Though the chocolate muffins are well worth the $400.59 that WW charges for their food items.
32. Urban Chick | June 5th, 2007 at 2:58 pm
omg, jonna – you kill me! i don’t stop by for a while and then you treat me to a post like this and i’m laughing hysterically
(feel your pain re the cake though, dang WW – 20 darn points ain’t enough for a girl for a day – grrr)
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