Roaring of the Bliss
May 31st, 2007
I have a few dreams in life that have been pretty consistent. Generally, I’m not a big dreamer – it’s not like I’ve always wanted to conquer the world or be president or anything, but there are things in my life that I want to happen, and mostly, some small part of me believes that they will happen. I’m all about the attainable, pragmatic dreams, you see, and this whole dream big bullshit just isn’t for me. I think wanting to have a family and write a book is big enough, and anything on top of that is just gravy.
I have had one dream, however, that has lurked in the back of my mind for decades, and it’s been the most frustrating kind of dream – the kind where everyone else holds the cards, and nothing I ever do could make it come true. It was as pointless as whiling away hours wishing I could win the lottery or that Gary Oldman would decide that he was truly, madly, deeply in love with me and wanted to escape to Paris for a midnight elopement, despite the fact that we’ve never met. The dream was so impossible that it seemed that futility was mine to cherish instead, because until today, I’d merely written it off as a hopeless cause.
Today, that dream is a reality.
We have been selected as a Nielsen family. Nielsen ratings, y’all. My whole LIFE I’ve wanted to be a Nielsen family! And that day has finally arrived, and I just…well, I don’t know what to do with myself. We’re in the qualitative group, which means that next week, a packet (a packet! A whole packet!) of information with notes and questions and comment boxes will be arriving at our doorstep! They care what we watch. They care.
I got so excited that pumped my fist at the office when Adam told me they called. I pumped my fist, and then I had to explain to all of my coworkers why I was pumping my fist, which drew a lot of blank stares and a few snickers, because it’s not like Nielsen is a common dream, and even I will acknowledge that it’s pretty pathetic.
However, gone are the days of merely bitching about television and ratings and moaning in wild frustration that no one ever asked us, because oh yes, they’re asking us, and ASK AND THEY SHALL RECEIVE. Adam actually asked the woman if she would accept stapled notes if our thoughts could not be contained in mere packets, and I am thrilled to report that she welcomes notes! And extra packets! And attached notes, maybe even NOTEBOOKS on our television-watching!
We strategized our approach over dinner – who would take what TV, what we would watch and who, exactly, would keep the best notes to send in. Because we have a responsibility to television watchers across America, and ladies and gentlemen, I will not let you down.
Sigh. Sometimes dreams really do come true.
You mock me, but look, we’ve already covered my love for surveys, which is only eclipsed by my love for television,and to combine those loves is like some kind of perfect storm of madness and ecstasy. Yes, I love television, and I am always irritated by those who look down on those of us who imbibe a little time every evening to stare blankly at a screen that does nothing but embarrass us with its idiocy, but I just figure they’ve never watched Big Love, because Big Love is magic. It’s MAGIC, I tell you, and it’s also coming back on Monday, and to say I’m excited is like saying that Sunny likes to lick her own ass, which is an understatement.
Speaking of television, did anyone see that kid spell schuhplattler on the National Spelling Bee? SCHUHPLATTLER. Honest to Christ, the second the judge busted out with the word in that remarkably Hitler-esque accent, I thought I’d die, because again: SCHUHPLATTLER.
And finally, I’ll leave you with both a warning and a recommendation, should you find yourself near a Barnes and Noble this weekend. First, I recently finished The Kite Runner, and for all of its insane buzz, I’m here to act as a wet blanket: I hated it. I thought it was ridiculous and far-fetched, and completely and utterly overrated. My heart did not soar, as one Amazon reviewer promised. In fact, my heart ached, because I was so intensely irritated by the never-ending implausibility and overwrought drama. You have been warned. And if you read it and loved it, it’s likely that I offended you and for that I am sorry, but I did not like it.
However! Because all I seem to do is bitch about books these days, I’m here to tell you that Prep is absolutely fantastic, and I can’t put it down. I’ve even taken to bringing it in the car just in case a reading emergency arises, like a stoplight or something. Lawyerish recommended it, and hoo boy was she right!
I hope you have a great weekend, full of good books and warm rain and whatever else it is you want. And maybe you, too, will get the phone call of your dreams!
*Tangerine Dream
Entry Filed under: Nuttin'
35 Comments Add your own
1. Leane | May 31st, 2007 at 6:26 pm
I have just found you-and I love you! (Sorry. Too much love, too soon..but I am loving reading you and your blog!)
2. elise | May 31st, 2007 at 6:38 pm
I loved Prep as well. Although, if you find yourself bored and desperately wanting to talk books, email me and tell me what you think/thought of Lee. I’m curious to hear another take.
3. Jana | May 31st, 2007 at 6:38 pm
How does one apply to be a Nielsen family? I’ve always wanted to do that!
4. jonniker | May 31st, 2007 at 6:43 pm
Jana, as I understand it, it’s completely at random and based on nothing but your demographic and geographical location. Which makes our selection that much more magical. *sigh*
Also, elise, I haven’t decided yet. I’ve read mixed reviews with people’s reactions all over the map, and I’m pretty eager myself to see where I fall. I will definitely let you know.
(Also, Leane, there is never too much love. You’re very kind.)
5. aly | May 31st, 2007 at 6:54 pm
oh my goodness. i never knew that anyone actually got picked as a nielsen family! congradulations and if you don’t watch the office on my behalf i will be very angry…
also? i too hated the kite runner, but adore anything written by erk lawson.
6. -R- | May 31st, 2007 at 7:03 pm
I was a Neilsen family once. IT WAS AWESOME. Enjoy!
Schuhplattler! How did the kid get the second H?! That was amazing. And yet, it annoys me that the kids are spelling actual French and German words. I guess those words are in the dictionary, but they are in a foreign language! This is a spelling bee, not a foreign language bee.
Ok, that is enough crazy for one day.
7. Erin | May 31st, 2007 at 7:19 pm
I adore Curtis Sittenfeld. ADORE. Her second book, Man of My Dreams is pretty good too–it has the same overall tone.
8. Leah | May 31st, 2007 at 7:19 pm
I too love surveys and television (although the former more than the latter), and I too was picked to be a Nielsen Family (albeit a family of one at the time). Where was I when they called and left a message on my answering machine? I WAS ON VACATION. In fucking Italy. FUCKING ITALY. For three weeks. I know that’s not the sort of thing I should complain about, but whereas I can go to Italy any old time, I have missed my one and only chance to be the true voice of the American public. Sob.
(If you photocopy the contents of your packet, I would totally fill it out for fun. Yikes.)
9. jonniker | May 31st, 2007 at 7:22 pm
Erin: I made the mistake of reading the author Q&A in the back of the book before I got too far, and I am sorry to report that I didn’t particularly like her in her interview, but I still love the book.
10. Trina | May 31st, 2007 at 7:26 pm
I am *beyond* jealous! I’ve wanted to be a Nielsen family forEVER! I even emailed them to ask about it (and found out about the stupid randomness thing). And Big Love rocks – thanks in advance for using your newfound powers to keep it on!
11. Orange Peacock | May 31st, 2007 at 8:50 pm
Prep depressed me and Kite Runner annoyed me, but I’m beginning to think I’m becoming cantankerous about fiction.
And I think the Neilson thing is really neat! I’d be more jazzed if I owned a TV beyond the little black-and-white number that is so old it can’t be hooked up to a VCR or the satellite, let alone a DVD player. Although really, what’s the point of high-def on a grainy black and white TV? Anyway, enjoy making your opinion matter! Represent!
12. thethinker | May 31st, 2007 at 11:18 pm
I hated Kite Runner too, mostly because it was assigned reading for school and generally, I do not like anything that is forced upon me for a grade.
Congrats on becoming a Nielsen family!
13. Allison | June 1st, 2007 at 4:17 am
Oh, I really liked “The Kite Runner.” I read “Prep” too but it mostly depressed me. I thought I would like it more than I did.
I have a deep and abiding love for surveys. I was a member of Pinecone for a long time and then missed some surveys while we were in China and got the boot!
14. LyndaL | June 1st, 2007 at 5:46 am
THANK YOU! I thought I was the only one who didn’t like The Kite Runner. I also hated Fight Club. (Movie, not a book but same disbelief at how everyone else seemed to rave about it)
15. TwoBusy | June 1st, 2007 at 6:00 am
I love the way you describe your excitement as a “perfect storm of madness and ecstasy” — which may seem a little strong when you realize you’re talking about Rock Star: Supernova… but is nevertheless a great line.
16. Janssen | June 1st, 2007 at 6:12 am
I love the stoplight reading. The end.
17. Jamie | June 1st, 2007 at 6:18 am
I thought my book club was going to stone me when I said that I hated the Kite Runner. I don’t know – I just didn’t like it. Then again, I also hated Reading Lolita in Tehran, so perhaps the Middle Eastern culture thing is just something to which I have trouble relating.
As for Prep, how can you not love a book written by a female with the name Curtis? I love it!
Also, I read while I walk. Is that weird?
18. jonniker | June 1st, 2007 at 6:31 am
Jamie & Lynda – I didn’t like The Kite Runner for very specific reasons. I thought it was overwritten, for starters, but I also thought that the plot itself – take away the setting – was so over the top in its extreme coincidences that I actually had a hard time not screaming.
Honestly, it was cheap fiction to me. It was cheap and mass-market and everything everyone said it isn’t, but if it hadn’t been written by an Afghani writer, and if it hadn’t been set in Afghanistan, it would not be lauded as this magical piece of wonder and delight, which is a shame, because its success kind of smacked of a little tokenism. It was so…transparent to me that I could hardly stand it. Every WORD was fraught with foreshadowing and meaning, and I just couldn’t take it.
Also, Jamie, I think her name is Elizabeth Curtis Sittenfeld, but she dropped the Elizabeth when she wrote.
19. Suebob | June 1st, 2007 at 7:49 am
The whole foreign language spelling bee irritates me, too. It isn’t like there aren’t a bunch of difficult, oddly spelled words in English to confuse these poor kids. I was 44 before I ever encountered the word “schuhplattler” and that was only because I was a reporter at an Oktoberfest event.
Kite Runner. I am so glad someone else agrees. People kept recommending it and after I read it, I thought “Good god, why would anyone RECOMMEND that book??”
I just read “On Beauty.” Have you? What did you think? It is full of over-the-top coincidences, too, IMO, but maybe that was part of the cleverness that just passed me by.
20. jonniker | June 1st, 2007 at 8:08 am
SB: I haven’t read it, and now I’m not sure I want to. Sometimes over the top coincidences and drama can be useful and enjoyable, if done properly, and done in a style where it makes sense. Like, for example, a film noir, where inherent over-the-top drama is a device that makes the genre enjoyable, almost campy.
But in The Kite Runner, it felt forced, and it didn’t feel like it was being used as a genre device – it felt insulting, like we were supposed to be dumb enough to swallow this line of bullshit.
Wow. I really didn’t like it, did I?
21. Lori | June 1st, 2007 at 8:31 am
“We have been selected as a Nielsen family.” = Me very jealous. (Does this mean we can request that you watch shows for us? ) To be a Nielsen family would be Awesome x 2! Yes, I’m a TV geek. I recently added DVR service to my cable and that is the best thing ever! How did I live all those years with just a VCR?
22. mar | June 1st, 2007 at 9:46 am
nielsen, how cool! growing up i thought about wanting to do it, but they’re not gonna pick a rural north dakota family (like the whole state isn’t rural!).
and i enjoyed parts of kite runner and i have major ‘coincidences’ occur to me all the time, but looking back on the book & even while reading it, they annoyed me. i mean the celestine prophecy was all coinky-dink, but i enjoyed that. (also read it when i was 20)
surveys, how i love them! pinecone is my fave because i get all sorts of awesome foodstuffs dropped on my door. (how my addiction to tazo came about) my latest survey obsession is here: https://www.surveysavvy.com?id=2946238&action=join
ps~i’m probably getting a diva cup in the next month, despite the wretched name.
23. Andrea | June 1st, 2007 at 10:49 am
Yay on your Nielsen status! Just do me a favor. Don’t skewer Grey’s Anatomy too badly. I know you’re over it, but I’m not, and while I don’t begrudge you your opinion, you have more sway than most now, and I sort of cringe in your presence of TV opinionated greatness.
Haven’t read The Kite Runner yet (tried but everyone lauded the book so much that because I was reading it during some scary medical times in my life, I put it down so I wouldn’t miss something crucial because I was so distracted by my personal worries). I have read Prep and while I was interested, the book didn’t zing for me. Maybe because by the end, I was ready to be done with Lee. The changes that happened to her through her school tenure were just not remarkable enough for me to think of it as the coming of age story it was touted to be. I hope it sits better with you than it did with me.
24. H | June 1st, 2007 at 12:16 pm
I also loved Prep.
Congratulations! I have always wanted to be part of the Nielsen family — especially when Arrested Development was on.
25. Cassidy | June 1st, 2007 at 12:41 pm
I had Kite Runner recommended to me and I wanted to kill myself the entire time. Sometimes I feel like if books (or movies for that matter) touch on sensitive subjects, it doesn’t matter how poorly written it is, it will receive praise. Ug.
26. bubandpie | June 1st, 2007 at 1:10 pm
Oooh, I love surveys too! And even better, research studies. I love the way the phone interviewers hang on my every word, care about my opinions… The power! The egocentrism! It rocks.
27. Gentry | June 1st, 2007 at 2:06 pm
You are living proof of karma. Your Neilsen coupe is karmic compensation for the carrot cake. I’m convinced.
28. Melanie | June 1st, 2007 at 6:35 pm
No rain!! We’re having an outside birthday party tomorrow, and I want no devastated almost-5-year olds on my hands due to rain!! It can rain on Sunday if it must do so.
Prep was really fantastic, and I liked her second book, too.
29. Maya (Meepers) | June 1st, 2007 at 10:20 pm
I’m glad to hear a couple of non-rhapsodic reviews about the Kite Runner. I haven’t read it yet, for the (stoooopid) reason that EVERY G.D. person I talk to says I MUST read it and I will LOVE it and it will change my LIFE and possibly remove the calcium deposits from my bathtub.
I would love to get packets about tv in the mail. Sounds like fun! Also canNOT wait for Big Love.
30. erica | June 3rd, 2007 at 7:10 am
Congrats on the Nielsen selection, dude. Nice!
Let me know how it goes!. We were picked about a year and a half ago, and of course accepted immediately because, duh, it’s friggin NIELSEN, and then….nothing. We never received the promised info kit or anything. It was all just a cruel game I guess. Fuckers.
So I will now live vicariously through you in all things Nielsen. And maybe I can even sneak in some comments through you? Eh?
31. Amy | June 3rd, 2007 at 10:05 am
Soooooo… can you be bribed, as a purveyor of Neilsen info?
32. winterwheat | June 3rd, 2007 at 4:38 pm
We were a Nielsen family a few years ago. It sucked. I do research requiring parents to keep family media diaries, and God decided to pay me back. I felt like a proctologist getting a parsnip shoved up the ass. Served me right.
33. Swistle | June 4th, 2007 at 5:10 pm
I loved Prep. I am so jealous that you are a Nielson family.
34. Jonniker. » Animal&hellip | June 21st, 2007 at 6:41 pm
[...] Speaking of pop culture, um, remember the dream come true? The Nielsen dream? Like my friend Erica warned, we have yet to receive a package. I might never become a Nielsen family, and the dream is close to being shattered, just ripped to shreds. This is particularly unfair, given my strong feelings about Top Chef: Miami, which includes Tre (love!), Hung (love!), and Joey (hate!), and Padma Lakshmi, who seems to be growing some sort of personality as she breaks away from Rushdie, not to mention my ever-growing excitement at the new Paula Abdul reality show, because seriously, the woman looks in the mirror and tells her hairdresser that she’s a warrior, which conjures all sorts of hilarious images, mostly involving Paula in gladiator wear at Caesar’s Palace, like Jeremy Piven in a very old Ellen episode that no one likely remembers but me. [...]
35. Jonniker. » Candy&hellip | July 1st, 2007 at 8:12 pm
[...] It’s here. It’s here! Our Nielsen package is here! Let the television watching commence! What’s disappointing about this is that it’s only eight days. Only EIGHT DAYS to discuss our television habits in extreme detail. Only eight days to properly explain my disdain for all things cheap reality TV, and my passion for all things Top Chef (except for Padma. Padma, please pack your knives and go). This hardly seems fair, don’t you think? I’d like to be a lifetime member, please. Adam is also lording it over me that the envelope is addressed to him, and him alone and that this is his project–his “cross to bear,” as he put it. Which, HAHAHAHA. No. [...]
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