For Reasons Unknown
June 3rd, 2007
It’s that special time of year again. A time to casually wake up on a Saturday morning, walk the dog and come back to find no fewer than four lines of ants cruising in and out of various rooms throughout our house, the lion’s share of which were snacking happily on last night’s cat food leftovers, and my God, if that’s not the grossest way to wake up, I don’t know what is.
(Actually, now that I’ve let my mind go there, I can think of a multitude of grosser things I could wake up to, like images of Tub Girl.)
(Also minor disclaimer that if by some chance that reference eludes you, sweet Jesus, consider yourself lucky and look it up on Urban Dictionary rather than regular old Google. Your intestines will thank me, and by jove, you might actually eat again, unlike the rest of us. Updated: Um, for real. I regret making the reference, but now that it’s out there, I can’t take it back, but seriously, I wish I could. My mind, it is a little twisted at times, and I erroneously assumed that by now, years later, everyone had been tortured by that image at least once. I was apparently wrong. Heed my warning.)
Ants aside, enjoyed our first rainy Saturday in what felt like more than a year, and to celebrate, we laid in bed until 2 p.m., went out for a leisurely lunch, and promptly came back to bed to lay around like bumps on pickles for another few hours. It was delicious and entirely guilt-free, because that’s what those days are for, are they not? By the way, Prep has come and gone and I loved it. I have to admit, however, that my love may have diminished had I not devoured it like a pile of carrot cakes. If it had dragged on for more than three or four days, I’m not as sure I would feel the same way. But since we’ll never know, it doesn’t matter, except that I recommend that if you read it, read it fast, before Lee wears on you.
By Sunday, however, we were back in a thick, pudding-like veil of sticky heat with absolutely no indication that it had ever rained, and let me tell you, nothing makes a hot, sticky afternoon more pleasant than wearing a non-removable thick wool sock on your right foot. I tore my plantar fascia a few months ago and, like a fool, continued running on it, thinking that running hurts for everyone of course, and that I really shouldn’t be such a pathetic little pansy. As a result, I’ve been wearing some version of this for ten days and I AM SO DONE WITH IT:
Gross. It’s gross. This particular soft cast has been on there for five days, and I’ve been wearing black flip flops, hence the black heels oh my God, and just looking at it makes me want to kill myself slowly, maybe with some sports tape. Also, under that cast is, I can only imagine, a hairy jungle of truly terrifying proportions that I’m trying not to think about too much, and I know Adam is avoiding even glancing in that general direction. I had an MRI on Thursday, and dear God, I hope this is all coming to an end soon, because, as I may have mentioned before, I have a weird thing about my feet being confined, and this is making me positively crazy, just CRAZY, not to mention very sweaty, which is compounded by the fact that I have to shower with a garbage bag on my foot. FREE THE FEET.
For the past five days, I’ve come home from my nightly walks with Sunny marveling at how each night, I seem to be following the same man – a man who wears far too much really cheap aftershave. I couldn’t believe the coincidence – every night, no matter what time I walked, I would be downwind of this mysterious man, and who was he married to anyway, who let him douse himself this way? Who?
As it turns out, no one, after a neighbor pointed out that my mystery man was very likely the open port-o-potty next to a cluster of houses under construction. And all this time, I’ve been inhaling deeply, trying to figure out the baffling odor. Was it Old Spice, I wondered? Also, while Googling port-o-potty (to see if it was trademarked, like Dumpster, out of nothing but curiosity), I discovered Uncle Booger’s Bumper Dumper, and I’m not even sure what to say next.
Incidentally, one of the best and most predictable things about walking Sunny is that every single evening – right next to the port-o-potties – we run into a giant cluster of blackbirds, and every single night, she gleefully tries to chase them, either to eat them or play with them, I’m honestly not sure which. Each and every time, without fail, either she runs out of leash or the birds fly away before she even gets close. And yet, every night she sees them, and joyfully runs after them like it’s her first time, never caring that there is no way in hell she’s ever going to catch them. I feel like there must be some sort of Martina McBride-like country song metaphor I can make here, about how we should learn from our dogs and pursue the impossible dream undaunted, but honestly, I think it mostly means that she’s simply not very bright.
I also have a strange compulsion to admit that sometime in the last few years, I’ve become the sort of person who TiVos Meet the Press. I remember a time when Sunday morning news was for old people who had nothing better to do but sit around and watch Tim Russert while catching up on their antimacassar crocheting. What has become of me? Seriously? I have become the kind of person who’s biggest weekend thrill – a thrill that Adam and I are still talking about and have actually re-watched since – is watching good old Tim positively skewer Democratic candidate Bill Richardson in one of the most impressive displays of television journalism I’ve ever seen. Next up: Reader’s Digest subscription, large-print edition.
I hope you have a delightful Monday.
*The Killers
Entry Filed under: Nuttin'
24 Comments Add your own
1. elise | June 3rd, 2007 at 7:35 pm
Ha, I feel just the same way about Lee in Prep. I loved the book; even so much as to recommend it to my fantastically picky reader husband. However, by the end of it (and especially after reading the interview with Curtis at the end) I kind of disliked Lee. Kind of a lot. But I still liked the book! I am wondering if I should read Sittenfield’s next novel, or if that would be pressing my luck.
Also, what’s better than laying in bed until 2pm? Nothing. That’s right, nothing.
2. j.k | June 3rd, 2007 at 8:22 pm
whoa. I wasn’t aware of tub girl. Uh — I wish I weren’t so curious. Why couldn’t I have just read the description at urban dictionary, like you suggested? Um. Gross.
3. jonniker | June 3rd, 2007 at 8:26 pm
j.k, OH MY GOD, I’m sorry. I’m just. so. sorry, and the second I made the reference, I knew a disclaimer was necessary.
The rest of you: Please don’t. Honestly. Urban Dictionary is enough, it’s ENOUGH.
4. Amy K | June 3rd, 2007 at 8:35 pm
Just be happy that the ants were only consuming food. My husband and I were awakened last weekend by a chewing sound in the ceiling over our bed, and it turned out to be a colony of carpenter ants EATING OUR HOUSE. We paid $800 to have our walls drilled and poison blasted into them, and I swear it was some of the best money I’ve ever spent. No more chewing sounds. It was like a horror movie (think Creepshow).
Port-o-Potties seem to have different brand names across the country, and in the Seattle area, they’re called Honey Buckets. Does that strike anyone else as really gross?
5. Orange Peacock | June 3rd, 2007 at 8:39 pm
Port-o-Potties! Tub Girl! ANTS! Glad -I’m- done eating for the day!
Oh, and I just turned 21 and have devotedly watched the Sunday talk shows for yeeeears. My boyfriend and I get up early on Sunday to groggily watch ‘em from bed, and cheer on Tim Russert. So get down with your politically literate self.
Of course, the boy and I are both government majors, so we’d probably be weird if we didn’t do this.
6. margot | June 3rd, 2007 at 8:54 pm
Ha, I’m so sorry about your foot, I’m sure that’s truly painful! I do have to say though that photo reminds me of that Office episode where Michael Scott fries his foot on a george foreman and hobbles around with it wrapped in bubble wrap. It’s a hil-AIR-ous episode so worth the 1.99 from itunes if you haven’t seen it.
Hope you heal (heh, foot, heel…) quickly!
7. jonniker | June 3rd, 2007 at 9:00 pm
OP: Then you saw the Richardson episode a few weeks ago? Was that not AMAZING? Tim Russert is what most television journalists can only dream of being – he asks hard questions, and he doesn’t let anyone off easy, no matter how convenient. I have no strong feelings or opinions about Richardson one way or the other, so it wasn’t confirmation bias, but oh my GOD, that was incredible. Russert was incredible! His research! His line of questioning! His unflappable demeanor and utter resistance to any bullshit!
I love him.
8. Maya | June 3rd, 2007 at 10:32 pm
I’ve just discovered an entirely new way to lose weight. Did NOT take your advice re: Tub Girl. Am going to be violently sick now. Will refresh image every time I want to eat and presto! There go those last thirty pounds. GROSSSSSSS!
9. hello insomnia | June 4th, 2007 at 1:55 am
This is bringing back all memories of all the emails my brother sent me of Tub Girl *and* Goatse!
And I love Sunday morning news, especially on CBS. That’s because deep inside, I’m really 80.
10. jonniker | June 4th, 2007 at 4:37 am
Mona, it was my brother, too.
Also, my God, seriously, I thought EVERYONE’S brother had e-mailed them the rounds of those two by now. EVERYONE. I’m so completely horrified that I even referred to it again. I blindly assumed it was much more well-known than it is, oh my sweet lord.
11. TwoBusy | June 4th, 2007 at 6:19 am
I’ve gotta learn to stop reading you while I eat my morning bagel at work.
12. Cassidy | June 4th, 2007 at 6:33 am
I read the description at Urban Dictionary… that is honestly the SICKEST thing that I have ever read. I am SO glad I didn’t look at the picture… I would have died. I just know it.
If ever I *have* to use a port a potty I dry heave through the entire thing. I recently thought about peeing my pants just to avoid it. I just kept thinking peeing your pants isn’t THAT bad, right?
13. Aim | June 4th, 2007 at 6:52 am
Oh, sweetie — I’m suffering (and I mean suffering) from plantar fasciitis myself these days. I haven’t run in months and I am HUGE. I’m possibly going to have a surgery to fix it later in the summer, but for now I’m making do with wearing high heels (which really helps — it takes the weight off your heel) or orthopedic inserts and getting cortisone injections from my doc. But I feel your pain, I really do.
I Tivo Russert, as well as Stephanopolous, Foreign Exchange, Face the Nation, and (my favorite) the McLaughlin Group. Plus Jim Lehrer every weekday, and I keep meaning to get better acquainted with Olbermann. I love Russert, too, but don’t watch him with Chaney or it’ll break your heart. He totally pussies out with Chaney. My Sunday morning heartthrob is Lawrence O’Donnell on McLaughlin, I used to have a pundit crush on Paul Begala, but his stint on CNN broke my heart. I couldn’t respect him any more after that.
I don’t know what Tub Girl is. I don’t want to know.
14. Aim | June 4th, 2007 at 7:26 am
PS.. Shine doesn’t chase birds (b/c she’s a cat & doesn’t go for walks) but one of my favorite entertainments is watching her go after whatever flying bug has gotten in. She’s positively acrobatic. And she often does catch them. (And eats them, unless I stop her. Yech.)
15. Page | June 4th, 2007 at 8:19 am
They call portapotties “KYBO-S” where I come from (Iowa).
Tub girl… I should have read the comments section first. However, Maya has a point! Excellent WW aid.
“You can use a bucket!” The bumper-dumper- truly, no words.
And your foot. I, too, was instantly transported bak to the Office episode with the Foreman grill. Also to every tattoo or injury I have had and the smell of hte plastic wrap. MMMM. I feel for ya, lady. Just remember, 6 months pain-free is a good judge of how long it really takes to heal an injury of that kind. So don’t push yourself too hard when you ge tthe soft cast off. Be nice, and play fair with your foot!
16. Heath | June 4th, 2007 at 8:37 am
Ha HA! I DID take your advice re: tub girl, and am so so glad I did. (I worried the whole time I was scrolling down on UD that a picture was lurking somewhere below, though.)
So….plantar fascitis. That sucks. I’m pretty sure I have it. But I don’t run or anything, and I wear tennis shoes with inserts all the time, and I roll my foot over a rolling pin a lot. Is that enough? Will I tear it? I don’t want to have to wear a fuzzy sweaty sock all summer!
17. Crystal | June 4th, 2007 at 8:45 am
So far, I have taken your advice in regards to Tub Girl. Although, I believe my curiosity will probably get the best of me before long.
18. jonniker | June 4th, 2007 at 8:47 am
Heath – Mine didn’t start as plantar fasciitis. One day, while running, I hopped off the treadmill and suddenly couldn’t walk home. I hobbled for about a week after that with just searing pain on the bottom of my foot. Slowly, it got better, and wore its way into what most people feel as plantar fasciitis, but it’s mostly along my arch instead of my heel.
If you’re not running, I doubt you’ll get it. However, one of the exercises I’ve been encouraged to do is pick up a towel with my toes, over and over again. Oh, and stretch your calves! Stretch!
19. Andrea | June 4th, 2007 at 10:46 am
Dude, just that description on Urban Dictionary is enough to keep me from looking up the picture. My already sensitive stomach thanks you for the warning (and yet chastises you for bringing up the reference in the first place).
I hope your foot feels better soon. Free the Foot!
20. Daily Tragedies | June 4th, 2007 at 11:56 am
The stupid TV programmers don’t think that us’ns in California need any Sunday morning political junkie shows…all I get are infomercials, local news, and/or real estate slideshowes. It KILLS me to not watch Tim Russert on a weekly basis anymore!
Hope the foot heals soon!
21. Gentry | June 4th, 2007 at 3:05 pm
You have traumatized two with that damn Tub Girl reference (Napoléon was sitting on my lap). Now I can’t stop calling him Tub Pug. And it’s your fault.
22. chirky | June 4th, 2007 at 3:08 pm
Am one of the few who have never heard of Tub Girl.
AM DISTURBED.
23. Melanie | June 4th, 2007 at 4:06 pm
Hey, I like Reader’s Digest sometimes – their jokes are so bad they kill me! I hadn’t ever seen Tub Girl, either. Of course I went to wikipedia first, but being a freak I then had to do a google image search because my imagination couldn’t stretch that far. I’m pretending it’s 100% pure photoshop. It must be.
24. stella | June 6th, 2007 at 7:48 pm
while that foot may look pretty jacked. your toes look friggin awesome!
s
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