Feet-like Fins
June 5th, 2007
I’m confused by podiatrists, as I imagine most people are. Nay, actually, I am grossed out by podiatrists, and find the profession as a whole to be entirely creepy. Out of all the doctors I go to, my podiatrist is definitely the skeeviest and the least…well, polished might be a good way to say it. And the nurses. Oh, the nurses. I asked the woman wrapping my foot this morning if she liked what she did, and she responded, “Well, I don’t have a foot fetish like everyone else here, if that’s what you’re asking.”
That’s not what I was asking, but it’s totally what I always thought, and with that kind of evidence, it’s unlikely that it was simply confirmation bias. I mean, if he had wanted to go into medicine for the most money with the least amount of stress, there’s dentistry. Just wanted to help people? Pick your field! General practice! Cardiology! Geriatrics! The possibilities are endless!
It’s just that it’s – well, it’s feet, which doubtless attracts a certain type of enthusiast, yes? And before you bring up the creepy gyno concept, I’ve said this before, but I’m not squicked out by male gynecologists, as my experience has been largely positive, and quite frankly, I see how that could be fascinating and challenging. There are babies involved a lot of the time. And even though I’m not a medical type of person, the female plumbing is pretty nifty, gross anatomy aside (a pun!), what with all the nuances and strange activities and odd goings-on, and I should stop talking about this, because really, I don’t want to describe it any more than is necessary, and I’m pretty sure you don’t want me to either (and if you do, I do not want to know).
My ob-gyn is a dude, and the last time I was there, he was more than a little excited that I could be ovulating at any moment (“Like any second now! Right now you could be ovulating! You could get pregnant tonight!”) as he laid his hand reverently on my midsection and um, bowed his head a little before he started laughing, which is a little…well, it’s weird, and the more I talk about it, the more uncomfortable I get, so let’s forget I brought this up again, mmkay? But still, it’s neat-o stuff, that whole pelvic area with its doo-dads and whatnots, I stand by that at least.
Conversely, there’s nothing fascinating about feet unless you have a specific thing for feet, which is upsetting on a lot of levels, not the least of which is that feet are the least sexual or even sensual or even ATTRACTIVE part of the body, at least to me. While I like shoes okay (I’ve kind of come around a little, maybe. Or at least I’ve started to wear something other than Reefs), it’s not like I ever think of sexing up my feet, and I’ve got to admit, anytime anyone refers to a shoe as “sexy,” part of me is completely perplexed, because while shoes can be attractive and well-constructed (wow, um, that sounds hot, doesn’t it? I might as well have said “sturdy,” which is H O T T), I can’t move past the part where they go on my feet, which are unattractive and completely un-sexy. (My friend Amy, who is a shoe person, is thisclose to ripping my face off, but since she lives in Texas, I’ll risk it.)
That’s right, I said it. Feet aren’t sexy, and I feel like I have the freedom to say that because I like feet just fine; I’m not one of those people who are grossed out by feet. Hell, I think feet are even cute at times, especially hobbit feet (furry!) and God knows, we should appreciate them for their function. Feet are where it’s at, man, when it comes to transportation. And as a person who’s had one foot rendered largely unusable for a while, I’m urging you all to go love on your feet, maybe with some new nail polish or some nice massage lotion, but definitely without any sexual implications, please. Or at least, don’t report those implications back to the group.
But that’s where my love for the feet ends, and I sense that podiatrists, their love runs deeper, maybe along the lines of some sort of high-heel fetish with an orthotic twist, which reminds me of a strange vague memory I have of getting stuck on a channel while Julian Sands had an intimate sexual relationship with a red high-heeled shoe– I think and/or hope that it was at least on someone’s foot– and I can’t believe I’m admitting that. (But, um, does that ring a bell with anyone else? I remember being oddly riveted and entirely confused, because God, what an acting challenge THAT must have been. “You are intimately involved with the shoe. THRUST the shoe. But God, try not to poke yourself!”)
At this point, I really have no idea where I’m going with this, except I’ll leave you with a recent quote from the stellar podiatric nurse as she took my health information:
“I’m writing down that your foot pain is exasperated by frequent use – that means it gets worse as you exercise.”
Outstanding, I tell you. Also, um, if anyone who reads this is a podiatrist and wants to weigh in, I welcome explanations, and I sure as hell know it would make me feel better, because I just grossed myself right the hell out of here. Julian Sands put me over the edge (Um, Boxing Helena anyone? OH MY GOD, Julian! High-heel thrusting and acrotomophilia!)
Wednesday! It’s almost Wednesday! Enjoy that Wednesday to the fullest!
*Cocteau Twins. Of course Elizabeth Fraser comes through in my hour of need.
Entry Filed under: Nuttin'
24 Comments Add your own
1. claire | June 5th, 2007 at 7:28 pm
wow. i’ve had this conversation before with a couple of people and have not ever gotten a decent explanation as to why these people chose podiatry as their field of choice. i mean, were they sitting in class at medical school one day when they had their divine revelation? “FEET!! I WANT TO TOUCH PEOPLE’S FEET EVERYDAY!” It just doesn’t sit well with me. I used to be in the ‘feet are gross’ camp. I didn’t start wearing sandals until i was 20 because i thought my feet, and everyone else’s, were gross. I still think man-feet are gross, but i’ve stopped complaining about the boyfriend wearing sandals. “Mandals,” if you will.
Also – i read an ‘erotic’ short story once that sounds just like that film you’re talking about. It creeped me right the hell out, and i’m glad i didn’t see it on tv. I think i still have the book if you’re looking for some confirmation on who the hell thought that idea up.
This whole comment has made me sound weird. Ah, well.
2. whoorl | June 5th, 2007 at 9:09 pm
I used to spend my days chatting up podiatrists when I sold Lamisil tablets. They are a different breed, indeedy.
3. Amy K | June 5th, 2007 at 9:42 pm
Why did I automatically think, “Oh, Julian Sands, the dude from Warlock!” Maybe you saw an episode of Strangers – the shoe scene sounds like something from that show.
4. Gentry | June 6th, 2007 at 4:20 am
It’s people who give facials that I don’t understand. There is not enough money in the world to make me touch a stranger’s zit.
5. bubandpie | June 6th, 2007 at 4:52 am
I, too, get exasperated with frequent use.
6. Cassidy | June 6th, 2007 at 5:57 am
I am a massage therapist and I do quite a bit of Reflexology (FEET!) and although I didn’t quite choose to specialize (it just sort of happened) feet don’t bother me at all, obviously. But, I do not have any sort of fetish either. I actually enjoy working with feet (and NOT in a sexual way) but I think that it is because when the feet are not healthy, the rest of the body suffers and it makes me feel good to help those who are in pain. And I feel like I am pretty self aware so I don’t feel like I am THAT strange… but who really knows, right? Just another perspective.
7. Lawyerish | June 6th, 2007 at 6:29 am
I don’t want to get flamed by a bunch of podiatrists or anything, but my understanding is that podiatry is a specialty field for which one acquires a degree in podiatric medicine, not an MD. (See http://www.answers.com/topic/podiatric-medical-school). Which is to say that, rather than going through general med school and deciding between cardiology and podiatry, you have to know *from the outset* that you want, more than anything, to work with feet. Your interest in feet — solely feet (RIMSHOT!) — drives you to go directly to that specialty, in fact, at a school devoted to podiatric medicine. Which is impressive, if you think about it, to be that compelled by the foot.
I, for one, find feet quite repugnant, but since I have been helped by a podiatrist on more than one occasion (dancing and all), I admire their devotion to such a stinky, fugus-prone part of the body.
Also, I’ve heard that dentists have the highest rate of suicide of any profession, so maybe the teeth are really stressful. I wouldn’t want to work with mouths, either.
8. Jamie | June 6th, 2007 at 7:14 am
I asked my orthopedic/podiatric surgeon why he chose his profession once – he said that he felt that healthy feet were as important as a healthy brain, or a healthy heart, when it comes to a functioning body. It made him proud that he helped people to walk (a) again and/or (b) without pain. As someone with insanely bad feet (broken toes, 4 bunions, bone spurs, the works), I appreciated that answer, especially since he’s the one that made it possible for me to love high heels.
9. Sadie | June 6th, 2007 at 7:40 am
HA! I never gave the podiatry topic much thought but now that you mention it, it all makes sense. I saw a podiatrist a few years ago and he was an odd bird and an utter creep, as were his assistants. Yet, he fixed my foot, so the ends justified the means, I guess. I am oddly comforted to know that ALL podiatrists are a bit ‘off,’ not just mine.
P.S. Whoorl’s mention of Lamisil tablets makes me remember those hideous commercials where that little goblin is peeling back a toenail and I just died inside a little.
10. Suebob | June 6th, 2007 at 7:46 am
When I worked in printing, we unfortunately had a job to print a catalog of foot fetish porn. Outsiders may think that foot fetishists may concentrate on feet in gorgeous shoes – strappy high heeled sandals, maybe? No. While there were some videos of pretty feet, the catalog ran the gamut. Sneakers? Yes. Size 11 and above? Oh yeah. Lust after stinky feet in athletic socks? There are movies just for you.
It was educational in a way that I did not really want to be educated.
11. Aim | June 6th, 2007 at 7:52 am
I do not want to rip your face off, darling, I just want to take you shoe shopping and show you the light. I feel an urgent need to do that, because I feel that you are missing out on one of the best things about being a goil.
My podiatrist is not all that creepy. Actually, not creepy at all, just a little officious. Based on him, I would guess (here risking the wrath of the entire podiatric profession) that he thought, “Huh. I can call myself a doctor, I can make a lot of money, and I don’t have to go through nearly as much medical training. Not a bad deal.” The guy’s office is covered with framed photos of his scuba diving expeditions to faraway exotic places, so I’m guessing he does all right for himself.
Frankly, he can be humping high heels and anatomically correct plastic models of feet back in his office all day long as far as I care, as long as he keeps shooting me up with that magic, magic cortisone that makes it aaaaaall better. Ooooh, baby. Gimme the junk!
12. ali | June 6th, 2007 at 7:55 am
my good friend is a urologist…baffles me to no end…
13. Allison | June 6th, 2007 at 8:18 am
Reefs are #1. I’ve worn mine to work everyday for the past week. No judging on shoe choices here.
14. jonniker | June 6th, 2007 at 8:52 am
Dentist suicide rates…I feel like I’ve heard this before. I have to be honest, while I have some *questions* about podiatrists, I certainly respect and admire them, because again, it’s FEET we’re talking about here.
Dentists, on the other hand, oh dentists. I don’t have a ton of admiration for the profession, as I haven’t had great experiences overall.
15. Jennifer | June 6th, 2007 at 10:51 am
Yes, the dentist thing freaks me out more, too. I mean, really, who wants to put their fingers inside someone else’s mouth? Ugh….
A long term past boyfriend of mine is now an ob-gyn and that kind of freaks me out, too.
16. Leane | June 6th, 2007 at 5:11 pm
What about Rectal/Colon Specialists??? UG.
I liked my Gyn a lot until he became the stepfather of my son’s best friend. Then I ran into him everywhere..at parties, school etc and that was just TOOO much..i switched gyns..
17. j.k | June 7th, 2007 at 8:21 am
Dentists have the highest suicide rates. Not to mention horrible muscoloskeletal problems from doing fine motor skill work bent over patients. Often they don’t make it to retirement. When’s the last time you saw a 60 year old dentist?
I would rather see somebody’s genitalia than their feet! Both are ugly, but feet are worse. So I am “with you” in not understanding why somebody would choose podiatry. However, I think that podiatry or chiropody is quicker than med school. For instance, there are a lot of chiropodists about, but only one MD trained podiatrist in my city!
18. lizgwiz | June 7th, 2007 at 8:27 am
Okay, I have no desire to be either a podiatrist OR a dentist, but I’d do either of those before I’d be a bikini waxer. At least they keep people healthy, make good money and get to call themselves “Doctor.” I REALLY don’t understand what makes someone want to regularly rip all the hair off a stranger’s private parts. Ewww.
19. Jennifer | June 7th, 2007 at 9:19 am
On the topic of worst jobs ever, I would have to say “rest stop janitor” would be the worst. I bet they have to clean them really late at night which would totally freak me out.
20. Alexa | June 7th, 2007 at 11:20 am
Sometimes it is better not to ask–I recently had my first brazilian and asked (Why? Why did I ask?) the waxer how she felt about doing waxes, and whether she had planned on being a waxer when she went to waxy-beauty school. Her answer?
“No, I went to do skincare, but this is part of being an esthetician. I guess I don’t *mind* doing it.”
After that I felt terribly guilty and felt obliged to be very brave and make jokes the whole time. Sigh.
21. Melanie | June 7th, 2007 at 8:50 pm
I’m still stuck on the sweaty gym shoe porn comment. How can anyone not be stuck on that? Shoes are great and all, but sexy shoes, not sweaty gym shoes. Speaking of which, I should go to a podiatrist. Maybe they could make my feet slightly more attractive.
22. Sues | June 8th, 2007 at 2:05 pm
Your blog cracks me up!
23. Maya (Meepers) | June 8th, 2007 at 2:54 pm
As a dedicated high heel enthusiast and a once and former frequent visitor to a podiatrist, I’d say: Shoes (high, sandaly, pointy, strappy = yes, sexy and a turn on to a certain type of people.) Feet: Nicely kept and manicured is good, but NEVER sexy.
Also doctors of the booty/GI tract have it way, way, worse as far as what they deal with, but to choose feet? Something must be wrong, somewhere. Feet are not to be…sexualized, fetishized, or otherwise revered unduly. Any rate, I’ll be forever grateful to my old podiatrist for saving me from months of agony and uncurable ingrown toenails. Minor surgeries made a major difference to me.
24. Style Bard | June 11th, 2007 at 6:10 pm
If ‘Aim’ doesn’t take you shoe shopping, I might have to!
Although, here’s support for why Reefs are A-OK: http://sippy9cup.livejournal.com/299346.html?mode=reply
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