I Am Not My Hair
June 10th, 2007
HerpWatch 2007 continues here on Day Six, and I’m mostly all set with having a cold sore. What was once a minor nuisance has become another member of our family and it’s already started to ask if it can have the car keys to go to the mall for some new pants and lip gloss.
I thought it was interesting, by the way, that so many of you considered bikini waxer to be a worse job than a podiatrist, surprisingly, I disagree. Yes, yes of COURSE it’s not my dream to rip hundreds of hairs from strangers’ nethers, but I get why people are insanely passionate about hair removal, because I’m the same way. I hate body hair of any sort, and am extremely vigilant about the removal of any hair on my body below the neck–well, except for the tops of my arms, but believe me, if it was at all convenient and/or socially acceptable to get rid of that hair, I would oh, I would–and I get why other people are into helping others achieve the same level of babybutt smoothness all over. I mean, bikini waxers do so much more than bikini lines – they do legs! Eyebrows! Armpits! All areas that should be hair-free under all circumstances. Well, I mean, eyebrows can have some hair of course, but of the neat and clean variety, rather than Malcom MacDowell in “A Clockwork Orange.”
I think I’ve mentioned this before, but I hate hair of any sort – it’s one of those things that skeeves me out in ways I can’t properly articulate, and I realize it makes me a little weird and maybe just a twinge obsessive compulsive. Yes, yes, it’s anti-feminist to some, but honestly, I don’t care, because I cannot help myself. This is going to sound crazy, but it’s part of the reason I have my hair very short (well, that and the fact that I look like I’m wearing a wig with any hair longer than ear-length), because finding large tumbleweeds of human hair around my house freaks me out, and I definitely don’t have the intestinal fortitude to mess with it. It should be noted that this aversion does not extend to pet hair, which doesn’t bother me in the slightest.
So, although it’s not for me, I get why people are strangely drawn to help other people become hairless, especially if they feel even a little bit about it the way I do. My theory is bolstered by one of the first bikini waxers I’d ever been to – an enthusiastic overplucked chicken named Vicki – who was so passionate about hair removal that I was practically cheering along with her as she yanked my heart right out of my girly bits. She would rip a chunk out then show me what she’d removed, excitedly crowing about all that we’d accomplished together (no kidding), and despite the fact that I could barely see from the pain, I was entirely with her. And really, I’m thankful that someone wants to do it, because I would be lost without them, just LOST, I tell you.
Also, it goes without saying that 1970s-style…nethers…frighten me and dismay me to no end.
Moving on! We saw Knocked Up this weekend, and though I was skeptical at first (though emboldened by -R-’s brief-but-glowing review), it was absolutely divine. Kid you not, I haven’t laughed that hard at a movie in years, and though I generally avoid movie theaters, for I am addicted to the at-home convenience of my own snacks, toilet and unlimited ability to pause, I am half-tempted to go see it again. In truth, however, I found it to be one of the raunchier movies I’ve seen in a long time, confirmed by the fact that three old women two rows in front of us walked out in disgust after a beautifully-delivered line featuring the term “protein shake.”
In addition, I read Rebecca Eckler’s “Knocked Up…” a while ago, and find her comparisons to the movie and claims of plagiarism…well, I don’t buy it. The jokes and similarities she finds are a stretch to claim as her own and, as others have noted, she’d have to sue 99% of North American women and their husbands for daring to have a similar pregnancy. And further, nearly every “joke” she claims is her own, I’ve seen in other movies and books well before her novel came out, so the whole thing is really hard to swallow for me. Not that anyone asked.
And finally, because if I didn’t know, I wish someone would have told me: It’s the semi-annual sale at Bath & Body Works, and though I find most of their products and scents to be cheap and a little tacky, I also find them strangely addictive. It’s worth noting that I collect mostly high-end perfume, which is an annoying and expensive little habit I usually keep to myself, though I’ve had it for years. However, I find something about little plastic bottles of cheap lotion so utterly compelling that my bathroom looks like a halfway house for recovering lotions and shower gels. I picked up two bottles of Strawberry Lemonade-scented lotion and gel just because I could, despite the fact that I enjoy neither the scent of strawberries, nor lemonade. In fact, both make me a little nauseated. But…it was $4!
Happy Sunday-slash-Monday.
*India.Arie
Entry Filed under: Nuttin'
21 Comments Add your own
1. Jamie | June 10th, 2007 at 1:27 pm
Oh, how I loved that movie. Best line of the whole movie – in the hospital waiting room when the tall guy (one of the roommates, the suave one) looks at Leslie Mann’s character and says very simply, “Hey Debs.”
There’s just something about him that is so unbelievably funny to me.
2. Heather B. | June 10th, 2007 at 3:35 pm
I can practically feel your disdain for hair because I feel it as well. And yet I have so much of it and I’d look ridiculous with it super short. My roommate has long black hair and she sheds every f*cking where. It’s awful and it gets everywhere and UGH! I KNOW you feel my pain.
3. Swistle | June 10th, 2007 at 4:06 pm
I like the Lavender Vanilla from the aromatherapy section. That’s it, though, I think.
4. Cassidy | June 10th, 2007 at 4:19 pm
I am the same way about hair removal. I started plucking my eyebrows (as well as my four sisters) from the time I was 12. I bought Nads at 14 to attempt my own bikini wax (BIG mistake, get it done by the professionals!) and I still enjoy it to this day. I have friends that shave/wax their arms, I think that it is becoming more socially acceptable these days. I have long hair and I loath how much I shed on a daily basis, but I don’t know how to control it. At least it’s blonde. I about gagged when I read Heather’s comment about her roommates long black hair, blech!
5. aly | June 10th, 2007 at 4:57 pm
so i liked knocked up, really i did!, but was woefully unprepared for the “action shots” in the delivery room. i suppose i shouldn’t have been taken off guard *that* much but i literally squealed in shock. so unnecessary. i mean, baby story is one thing, but 9 feet of that on a movie screen?! like i wasn’t terrified of that coming out of me before….
and yes, the “hey debs” line was hysterical. as was the bouncer outside of the club. or any scene with the asian stoner girl.
6. jonniker | June 10th, 2007 at 5:21 pm
Oh Aly that action shot was TERRIFYING. And also, um, from what I’ve seen in TV interviews with Judd, it’s spliced in from a real birth, which makes me want to stab myself in the eyes with something pointy.
Adam didn’t like Asian Stoner Girl, though she didn’t bother me. However, I love and adore Kristin Wiig, who had a bit, but hilarious part as the passive-aggressive E! colleague (“So we can’t tell you to lose weight, but we’d like you to be 20 lbs smaller.”)
7. -R- | June 10th, 2007 at 8:34 pm
I’m glad you loved the movie! Kristin Wiig really annoys me for some reason, but her character was perfect for the part.
And I’m serious when I say I was seated next to a woman in her 70s or 80s who LOVED this movie. But I should add that I would not recommend this movie for all grandmother-types.
8. Jenn | June 11th, 2007 at 7:23 am
I can’t stand the fruity scents either, but I’m in love…IN LOVE…with the vanilla jasmine dry body oil. Lovely stuff, wonderful stuff.
My 15-year-old wants to see “Knocked Up,” I was kind of hestitant about letting her see it, but if she gets to see action shots of a live birth, it might be the best birth control available!
9. jonniker | June 11th, 2007 at 7:35 am
Jenn: It’s *really* raunchy, and…well, it will likely put you in a position to have to explain a whole lot of things you might not want to yet. Just a warning.
10. Aim | June 11th, 2007 at 7:36 am
People like you are the reason I have to shave my armpits! Boooooooo!!!! (This is a task I find increasingly difficult, since I’m in my 40s now and beginning to get a little presbyopic. My eyes practically cross, trying to focus on my own armpit. Oy.)
Hair doesn’t gross me out at all, EXCEPT: in the drain. Once it’s been in there and gotten all slimy and stinky… Oh, there’s NOTHING that makes me gag like pulling a hair clog out of the drain.
11. Red | June 11th, 2007 at 8:18 am
I have longish (past my bra band), thick hair and also shed like crazy. There is no mistaking that the hair is mine, either, since I’m a redhead. Last Friday I spent the night (only the 2nd time ever) with the man I’ve been dating; a man who happens to prefer short hair on women. The next morning, after I took my shower, he walked into his bathroom and gasped “Oh God!” I jumped up thinking that something was wrong and peered into the bathroom.
Me: “What!? Are you OK?”
Him: “I didn’t expect to find a Tribble in my drain!”
Me, sheepish: “Sorry… Let me get that.”
In my defense his shower is extremely slow draining so I couldn’t see the icky hairball I had left or I would’ve cleaned it up immediately after I finished showering! But I figure if this is the most embarrassing thing I’ve done in his presence since we’ve been seeing each other, I’m doing a-ok.
12. J.K. | June 11th, 2007 at 9:17 am
Arm hair — I just “skim” the razor over the tops of my arms. It just skims off the long (eewwwewwewew) hairs and leaves a nice peach fuzz. I hear ya. Feminists be damned. Hair is gross.
I swear people have shedding seasons. I hate finding hair all over the pillow. Ewwww.
I hear ya.
13. mar | June 11th, 2007 at 11:28 am
all these topics i can comment on!
i also lightly shave the tops of my arms. i hate the feeling of the vent blowing on the really long ones. it’s not like they’re dark either. never had the bikini wax. i’m too scared & embarrassed.
i’m also a redhead & my bf teases that he loves finding my long hair all over his stuff. i think he’s being sarcastic, but he insists he’s serious.
saw ‘knocked up’ on friday night with the girls. i was so-so about going, but love the cute Jewish boys. i have never in my life heard so many people in a mostly full theatre laugh so many times. i’d say that’s a good recommendation.
14. Christine | June 11th, 2007 at 12:16 pm
I have long hair that sheds. Although not as bad as a redheaded ex-roommate of mine. Luckily neither of us was skeeved by our own hair.
Also? I love your perfume obsession. One day when I have a lot more money I will become a better perfumista. Right now I just sneak into Blue Mercury when the chance arises to spray something on and walk out. Ahh, the poverty!
15. Lawyerish | June 11th, 2007 at 2:28 pm
Was “Knocked Up” around the same funny level as “40-Year Old Virgin”? Because I have to say, I didn’t find 40YOV as knee-slapping funny as much of the world seemed to. Same with Judd Apatow’s TV shows. I mean, there were moments of chuckling, but I wasn’t laying on the ground unable to breathe from the hilarity or anything. Maybe I expected too much based on the hype.
I definitely fear the live birth shots as well. {shudder}
16. Melanie | June 11th, 2007 at 3:34 pm
I love B&B Works, maybe because as a teenager I was completely obsessed with their raspberry scented stuff, and owned Every. Single. Thing. that came in raspberry, whether I would use it or not. I was like a raspberry patch of cute teenage pigtails. I need to hit that sale, except that we are so poor at the moment my husband kept insisting we don’t actually need groceries or eating for two weeks.
Also, I feel some shame at admitting this, but naked nethers freak me out to no end, and mine are utterly 1970′s style. Luckily I don’t have anyone to impress or I’d have to groom them somewhat – my husband is used to the vast mass of jungle shrubbery.
17. jonniker | June 11th, 2007 at 4:27 pm
Ish: Knocked Up was infinitely better than the 40YOV. I didn’t love FYOV at all. However, KU is *extremely* raunchy, and while some of the humor is intelligent, it’s more of think-fast pop culture references and smart…well, smart raunch, if that makes any sense, which it doesn’t.
Melanie: Well, um…I’m not saying they have to be NAKED, naked, but a um, landing strip and/or a close call is fine too. Dear God, why am I talking about this? I BROUGHT IT UP.
18. Carolyn J. | June 11th, 2007 at 5:09 pm
NAKED, naked freaks me out too. On any gender!
I also will not allow my hair to grow past the base of my neck because stray hairs annoy the ever-lovin’ crap out of me. And I have a lot of hair, which means that percentage-wise I shed more.
19. jen | June 11th, 2007 at 9:11 pm
I know what you mean about hair — even when it grows on my own head. I hate when I pull out a hair tie only to discover it has a stray hair on it. Eek.
And yet somehow cat hair and dog hair, while annoying, do not super gross me out?
20. mar | June 12th, 2007 at 6:47 am
lawyerish-one of my movie companions & i were on that same wavelength for 40yov. it was okay, but not hysterical, yet we both laughed multiple times at knocked up. and she’s a snorter. it was fantabulous.
21. celebrate woo-woo | June 12th, 2007 at 9:01 am
I’m joining the team of hair-haters, but I do prefer my hair long despite its shedding. Reminds me that I need to finish up my laser removal treatments that I had to halt last summer.
Knocked Up was definitely one of the funniest movies we’ve seen in a long time. I thought the E! co-worker character was hilarious as well. I personally felt the birth shots were too quick to bother me…plus, I’d expected it (only one, though) based on reviews I’d read.
Bath and Body Works scents usually remind me of super sweet candy scents, which is why I don’t like most of them. However, I love Japanese Cherry Blossom, although like everything, it does get boring after a while.
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